These might not make the cut to be Olympic Mascots though my son already has a Sticky and Roley doll set. He stepped on Sticky and we had to rush him to emergency. Roley only scratched the paint off our car door before spitting on the windshield.
My Sissy Ideas:
1. Earth, Water, Fire and Wind.
Because the elements are what makes Vancouver great. You can swim in the ocean, golf on a world class course and go skiing all in one day. That's awesome, I love this place!
2. Sequoia and Cedar.
Two happy go lucky trees because trees make the province so wonderful.
3. Spirit and Cinnamon. Calgary did bears for their games and we should too. For spirit bears and other bears that are all different shades of brown.
I think these could be a contender...if not though I have some backups after the link:
I'm pretty sure this just happened. After a fabulous meal at Nuba - and if you've never had the deep fried cauliflower, you just haven't lived. Deep fried things are pretty much nature's candy anyway. Where was I? Oh, right, after that I'm quite sure I wasn't seeing things when I saw the following:
Seymour street between Hastings and Cordova. Middle aged fauxster hippie with requisite ponytail. That was bad enough and thankfully there were no flip flops. But this amazing guy was walking a ferret on a leash. Or a rat, possibly. Terrible. And trying to kind of say to the world, "Yeah, I have a ferret, and I'm walking it, so there yuppie scums." Please.
So, I have to say, there are still people walking around Vancouver in flip flops. Come on, it's almost October and the beach is no where near Gastown. Reader Lee Van Cleef combined my two least favorite things - cats and flip flops - in one awe inspiring video of creep-tude. He clearly hates me. He also passed along this Cat Head Theatre, which is so creepy that It has to be shared. Thanks. This is what you get one you're not posting enough. I brought this onto myself. And it serves me right.
One of our faithful readers, Lee, sent this along this from 24 Hours this morning.
It's pretty self-explanitory, but note the amazing followup second entertainment story, "What's that smell" which is pretty unintentionally funny. Way to go 24 Hours. You made our day.
This is weak and I know it is. I elaborated on some things to help form visuals and mood and make my life look more exciting, because it's not. For example, the pregnant lady was actually a homeless guy and I don't have stage fright, I am actually a woman.
Jackson asked that I not take up so much space on the site so for now on you can find the gist of my junk, following the link...
Dear god, it's some freaked out Raise a Reader day and there are creepy mascots handing out newspapers and other perky newsies trying to guilt you into donating money in exchange for your not-so-free Vancouver Sun. This is all a little bit much before 9:00 am and the first coffee. Come on giant dog in a cowboy hat. Yikes, this is too much.
Come on, when 24 Hours is sporting the new Kokanee glacier girls on the cover, the kiddies can just try to figure it out themselves.
This is rich. Mayor Sam Sullivan, the leader of our blessed do nothing City Council, wants to take a fact finding mission to Europe next year, "to look at drug strategy in countries like the Netherlands and Finland." [CKNW]
What a total boondoggle. Ever hear of a phone? And please, why no Singapore trip Sammy? Come on. But what do you think:
Weird how blogging can be so easy with a 9-hour time difference advantage and $3 bottles of French wine and yet turns so difficult when you're on Pacific Standard Time and couldn't find a decent bottle of wine for $3 unless you were on the Downtown Eastside and already three visits to Insite under your belt for the day. At least, some other Vancouver bloggers are working it. Like:
The idea that Taylor Pratt has a Myspace page, likes to refer to himself as Tay, terrible Dawson Leary looking hair, and has only one 'friend'. Sure 'Tay' likes "having fun and going out with the ladies" but in this mixed up world where Belinda Stronach is sleeping with Tie Domi, we may have found the misisng peice of the puzzle for the Canucks this year, the gay Todd Bertuzzi. [Orland Kurtenblog]
ICBC is promoting October as Zero Crash Month. It's kind of like being a nucleaer free zone. Who's running ICBC these days, Mickey Mouse? Goofy? [Metroblogging Vancouver]
Dentyne gum apparently has a racey new ad campaign in Vancouver. Well racey is being pretty generous. [Beyond Robson]
There must be more to this Border Guard story than the media let out. It just makes better news that this Country's *first* line of defence has the will of wet toilet paper. The Border Guards are part of a union though and you do as you are told in a union. I bet many would have stayed if given the choice because it's true that people aren't going to respect them anymore even after they get their guns.
Hopefully a Guard or someone with the answer speaks up because some people as stupid as me might disregard their power in light of these events. I might say something to a guard next time I cross like "Hey tough guy, would you run if killer bees were heading up here?" or "If a homicide suspect was on a train going 225km and it left a Portland station at 7:30am, at what time would you and all the other border guards run into a corner and pee yourselves?"
24 Hours amazingly seems to be guest edited by M.C. Hammer this morning, with a catchy "Can't Touch This" headline and big story about useage of the Olympic ring logos. "Vancouver will be able to use an integrated logo comprised of the VANOC Inukshuk symbol and the words "host city". But it can't automatically use the famous rings alone, or even the Games themselves to promote the city." Or as The Hammer would say:
"My, my, my, my music hits me so hard
Makes me say oh my Lord
Thank you for blessing me
With a mind to rhyme and two hyped feet
Feels good when you know you're down
A superbowl homeboy from the Oaktown
And I'm known as such
And this is a beat uh you can't touch "
In The Sun, you have the political fallout of the border guards running away Sunday in the face of danger: "Toronto area Liberal MP Derek Lee ignited an uproar in the House of Commons Monday when he called unarmed border guards in B.C. "wimps" for walking off the job Sunday after U.S. authorities warned them an armed murder suspect was headed for the border." And you can also vote on "hits we love to hate" with some introduction by "Cheryl Hickey, the musically savvy host of Entertainment Tonight Canada, to tell us about the hit song she loves to hate." The racktacular barbie doll thinks it's "Wind Beneath My Wings". And of course the is media intregration from the overlords at Canwest. Bless them!
The Province ledes with the ship that ran aground yesterday off Stanley Park, although even for the Province the "Grounded" title seems fairly obvious. Now, on the back page it's shirts off! But it's really about the White Caps and Soccer, and so really, does anyone actually care I ask? Seriously?
Uwe Boll has just done something I am sure every Artist, Journalist, Novelist, Producer, Musician, etc... wishes they could do; that is to beat the crap out of their critics. I think this could be the most awesome thing ever.
Imagine if everything was settled in the ring or the octagon. "Oh you think this site is like a Badly Written High School Paper? Thanks for the feedback, now shut up, put this helmet on and protect your satchel because I'm going to violate you in front of an audience."
I don't like your movies Uwe because I am scared of the dark, I sleep with a bicycle helmet on to protect my brains from zombies...But I have great respect for you as a person now.
The Sun leads with the walk out of border guards at four border stops after a warning that an armed man wanted for murder might be heading to the border. This fills our security with total confidence as our border patrol basically abandon's ship at the sight of one armed man. They couldn't call for back from the RCMP? The army? We are all doomed. Meanwhile the Sports section asks, Anson who? "Daniel Sedin scored twice on the power play, both on set-ups from brother Henrik, and the twins looked comfortable skating on a line with captain Markus Naslund as the Canucks broke their pre-season goose-egg with a 4-3 shootout win over the Anaheim Ducks at General Motors Place."
Ahhhhhh, 24 Hours, nothing says cute like small children on Navy ships, even if they are from the Canadian Navy. That's the main cover shot. Meanwhile, the news headline is a short headline and story about the ninth annual B.C. Police and Peace Officers' Memorial Service. Last but not least, director Uwe Boll's publicity stunt where he faces off against critics in the ring, went down Saturday, and he seemingly kicked all the interweb nerds asses.
Should Lu Lu Lemon have to screen customers? Should anyone be allowed to walk in and buy their awfully stretchy clothing regardless of body type or, dare I say, species...(I'm a dead man for saying this stuff btw)
Here is a store that obviously didn't consider the entire public when they said let's make hot pants for already attractive people. Not, "Well there's some skinny girls out there, and there is some fatty's and some average girls, tall girls, short ones, pregnant girls, halfy's...uhhh yeah...let's just stick to baggy sweat pants shall we?, yeah no stretchy materials. Okay good, let's start making these things, okay great..." That's the conversation that should have happened...but it didn't. I think greed was the driving force here...Where the hell is Bill Hicks when we need him?
It's Friday, and yes, I'm in love with YouTube. Before you suffer through a day of work for the man, or perhaps during it, here's some linkage and clips for you to pass the time, serve with an adult beverage if you want I won't tell. Leading off, there was the Ghetto Latte, now there is The Ghetto Big Mac. Enjoy:
*You could go see Sheryl Crow and John Mayer are at the Coliseum tonight, 7pm. Poor Sheryl Crow, first cancer, then having to play with this ugly hippy scrub. But even though John Mayer had the gall to dump Jessica Simpson and try to act like he pranked her it's pretty lame. He'll tour with Sheryl Crow, but won't go out with Jessica Simpson? What a loser. Have fun.
*If you can't get into that. Do not, repeat, do not think it is ironic or cute to go to The Stone Temple, which we forgot to insult on its 10th anniversary party yesterday. Sorry about that.
Saturday
*Oh my god, Mariah Carey is in town. Have you seen her? Have you seen her lately? My god. 8pm GM Place with Busta Rhymes. Wow, Busta, playing with Mariah Carey, you've really let yourself go, almost as much as Mimi has.
Sunday
*The Canucks are at GM Place for their first preseason home game. Am I the only one that finds it ironic that the Canucks ticket number is 604-899-Goal? Perhaps they should try calling it to score some - sure three last night, but you gave up 4. I can do the math. [Canucks Home Page]
*Clearly, it's really just time to relax and check out Jackass: Number Two before heading home to watch TV, which is what Sunday's are made for. [Official Movie Site]
*9:05 PM Thursday night. Preseason Game #2. Canucks are down 3-0. The Canucks forums already home to outrageous panic. [Orland Kurtenblog]
And to throw fuel on a clearly dangerous situation, which is just how we roll, I give you this amazing video:
*Pretty sure that if your cool jeans store, Lucky Jeans opening today, is opening in Metrotown you've moved from cool, through mainstream, passed go, and moved directly to designated suburban douchebag couture. [SweetSpot Vancouver]
*John Bollwitt and Miss 604 do their latest podcast while drinking cranberry slurpees spiked with vodka. Given'r! [Radio Zoom]
*Apparently Century Restaurant and Bar is haunted. Yeah, sure. Whatever. I've also heard that the lower Richards area joint is in the famous words of Charles, "dead anyways." [Metroblogging Vancouver]
This is surely 4 minutes and 30 seconds I'll bet Tamara Taggart wishes she wasn't just the weather girl. This is like the "Grassy Knoll" angle of a streeter weather report gone horribly wrong. And not to add insult to near injury, but what on earth was she wearing? A shirt with little cherries on it?
The Sun does a massive front cover/business section profile of "Vancouver's other billionaire" Calvin Ayre including the requisite Paris Hilton photo on the cover and the sexy ending: "it seems to be closely following the script of the Thomas Crown Affair, where a stylish art thief plays an extended game of cat and mouse with his pursuer.The only question is how it will end." And this kind of dwarfs the news about the virtual fence that could be arriving at B.C.'s border.
24 Hours discovers the Olympics and warns about "Olympic Size trouble", the potential for a tripling of homeless people in Vancouver. Then there is a story about a women who got "Bugged out" of her apartment filled with bedbugs and news that Vancouver has, finally, it's own Bedbug task force. And then the party bites its lower lip and gets real serious, "How skinny is too skinny".
The Province is uncharacteristically serious and all about the fench today. Hate it.
Even though Marco Materazzi may have been uttering schoolyard taunts right before he was head-butted by Zinedine Zidane in the World Cup, it's nice to know that when an endorsement deal is on the line, he's ready to take it like a man. Nike's newest ad featuring the disgraced footballer is quite a fun little tongue in cheek reference to the chest whomping he took from ZZ. That said, ZZ strikes me as a pretty angry fellow, so Materazzi's probably better off taking his chances with the wrecking ball.
It's that time people. Another week, another issue of the Georgia Straight. This week is action packed, it's the Best of Issue. Thankfully there are so many things I didn't even bother having to read the news articles. Here we go:
5. And yes it is the 11th annual Best of Vancouver issue this week. There is a lot of things in here that need to be dealt with but I'll give you two. First, shout outs to the ridiculously named Burquitlam suburb are an affront to both Burnaby and Coquitlam - they both should be ashamed of this abomination. Second, the honor of Best PR campaign by a B.C. animal went to the Spirit Bear makes me want to rent a truck, a gun rack, and go up to that damned forrest and shoot me some bears.
4. My Favorite Line in the best of section was the best reason to miss EXPO 86 20 years later: "False Creek had the Soviet space program, Ramses II, and the Scream Machine. And we gave it all up for condos, miniature dogs, and no-foam lattes. What were we thinking?" That or the part about "Best way to meet swinging MILFs" which is so gross it's funny.
3. My god, do we really have to hear what the Readers think? As proof I give you these dirty bits: Nickleback is Best Local Band? Brent Butt as Best Local Comedian? Very funny Georgia Straight readers. Very funny.
2. Gothe speaks more of fruits and not of grapes. I'm not sure this is cool. Canvados? Really? Clearly he is drunk, and we respect that. Pass. Wash it down with some of this, and you got yourself a deal, Gothe.
1. We finally figured out why the City Singles featured are so ridiculous, they select them to simply keep me entertained weekly. According to their "Best of Lifestyle - Critics' Choices", they named this site and particularly this feature "Best way to stay humble". To which I thank them.
And this week, praise be Jeebus, I honor and thank them for finding this goddess. The 32-year-old fine smelling, so she says anyway, Shannon. A trainwreck delight from the "Co-Q" who should not have quite so many eggs "benny style" prolly. But I'm sure her lonely nights spent dreaming of the black Ed Norton and watching "The Notebook" out in Coquitlam waiting for Mr. Right to email her are heavenly. Bwhahahahahahahaha.
This week, we had the giddy and smutty pleasure of getting the inside dirt on Vancouver's own gossip queen Elaine "Lainey" Lui. Lainey has been keeping her smuthouding readers current with all that is good, bad, and ugly in celebrity gossip at LaineyGossip.com, and has parlayed that success (and really, can 200,000 unique readers a week be wrong?) into regular gigs at CTV's eTalk and starting next week Lainey will be joining Coleen Christie for the CTV News at 5 two times a week. That's a lot of smut!
Fresh from her trip to The Toronto Film Festival where she rubbed elbows on the red carpets, Lainey dishes the delicious smut on what her typical day is like, her secret crush on Shane West, her designs on The View's Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Orlando Blooms pathetic chin whiskers, and Vancouver's closet smuthounds.
The Vancouverite: So can you tell us the story of how exactly Elaine Lui became the “Chinese Gwyenth Paltrow” and “queen of all gossip” in Vancouver & Canada?
Lainey: Queen of All Gossip? No… I won’t own that. But I will own the Chinese Gwyneth Paltrow. And I will own the fact that I’m a lifelong smuthound, raised on gossip, raised on Hollywood fumes. It all started out as a lark – an email on the day’s entertainment headlines sent to 2 girlfriends. They forwarded it, and those people forwarded it, and pretty soon, thousands of people were reading my newsletter, crashing my mail server, which compelled me to launch the site…
Well, 24 Hours really rolls out an instant classic this morning. Not only do we get the obnoxious cover "You otter be in pictures". "It wasn't too long ago that sea otters, with their lovable faces and childlike antics, were extinct in B.C.'s coastal waters." And 24 Hours tells me that the glorious sea rat, I mean otter, is back, oh joy of joys. And on that note it's a double shot of cute with this bit of Spirit Bear news, "The Spirit Bear Youth Coalition will attack the provincial government with cartoon characters if the Liberals don't protect the white bear's stomping grounds." No, not cartoons! Lastly, another goverment report is out, this time about the children in the care of the government getting ritilan 12 times more likely than regular kids.
Over at The Sun, trying to keep pace with the breaking 24 Hours otter story, it's a monkey on the cover. A cute baby monkey. Bastards. For good measure they also front incredible journey of the The Adams River sockeye run. Anyway, now it is The City of Vancouver's turn to figure out that these Olympics are going to cost a lot of money. Gosh! My favorite bit of news was the fact that a Chinese factory that used to make 200 million Mao badges has switched to making Harry Potter and Star Wars ones. Take that Mao! Meanwhile Malcolm Parry gets on his chair and tells us about plans to turn the St. Regis hotel into a boutique hotel.
At least The Province goes hardhitting with "Gridlock City". Okay maybe not hardhitting exactly, but it starts like this, "Lower Mainland commuters are in highway hell, burned up and burned out by traffic congestion that's thickening right in front of their eyes." The article also had this groudbreaking angle: "The traffic picture isn't any prettier from the air. Lara Dewitt, who monitors traffic from a helicopter for AM 730 and sister station CKNW, said congestion is 'terrible. The last two weeks, this is the busiest I've ever seen it. I am very happy to be flying above it all. I don't know how these people do it every day.'"
Here's a little local cat hating video from Friday September 15, 2006. A coyote prowls Point Grey taunting cat lovers with a dead house cat in his mouth. Advantage: Coyote. Later, the coyote ran some errands with mixed results...
The Sun fronts the coup in Thailand. Honestly all this talk about coups in Thailand is making want to b-line for Simply Thai. Until then there is a big article about Vij and his new cookbook. The other big front story is the investigation of in-custody deaths - 111 people have died in police custody since 2000. And I'm still scratching my head over both the tease for an article on the cover about ping pong and the idea of a ping pong college.
As usual 24 Hours has something completely un-newsy on the cover. Today is the unusual fundraiser that involves getting "hooked into a harness for a rewarding rappel down the side of a 16-story building in downtown Vancouver." Coup in Thailand? Whatever.
Okay, okay, William Shatner was here this past week, which is amazing. But here's the odd bit lifted from Joy Metcalfe: ".William was also spotted at Britton's, the tony jewellry store on Howe, where he purchased a stunning bracelet..." Shatner's a bracelet guy? Gross.
I'm not sure I can take another Jessica Alba "gulping" osyters at Joe Fortes report which is pretty much all 24 Hours is offering in gossip this week. Although the only thing worse is hearing about her and Mark Walberg going to Absolute Spa at the Hotel Vancouver and the Fairmont at the Airport.
Robert Falconer at Metro Vancouver I think, overplays the whole Canadian Awards for the Electronic and Animated Arts. He ledes with, "The stars were out and the champagne flowed". Now, Of course, William Shatner is a legend, but this doesn't help the case: a "who's who of Canadian industry celebrities" like William B. Davis, Gwynyth Walsh, and Teryl Rothery. Is that really the technical definition of who's who or celebrity? Falconer also go nowhere in his questions of Shatner on the new Star Trek film.
Meanwhile Susan Sarandon is set to film two movies in Vancouver, Alba style. Of course she'll be in the "Batttle in Seattle" about the WTO riot, and then she's lined up to star in "Eleanor and Colette." The better news being she costars with Charlize in the first and Helena Bonham Carter in the second. WHich is nice for us.
It's almost time for hockey. Are you pumped? Our smutty Cancucks blogger is about to grace us with her presence in the next few days. So let's turn the clock back to last season and show you the exact moment where the Vancouver Canucks officially lost the season. I believe it was five seconds into this video, where the live flute jam session started what is most likely the worst psych-up/sports introduction video, EVER. Pretty sure this wholesale suckage was reason they lost, since nothing is really ever as thrilling on paper as when a bald guy is actually playing his flute (or whatever) at a Hockey match.
At about 1:27 into this epic tale you can actually see where a little part of Trevor Linden actually dies. And somehow the rabid Vancouver Canuck crowd didn't do anything to stop this. Stunning. Absolutely stunning.
Idiot 1. This could be a toss up as to whether I am the idiot here or you are. You are in a wheelchair so it's unlikely people vote for you. All I asked was if you thought it was appropriate that handicap people have to pay for two transit fares because you take up so much god damn room on the sky train. Then as you started to boil I thought asking if you took that thing off any sweet jumps lately would calm things down, I was wrong. You flipped out, obviously though in your case you can't really flip out, or can you... I guess you would have to be going pretty fast huh? Yeah I think I take the cake here...
Idiot 2. I can understand that when you buy fruits and vegetables you want to make sure it smells right and feels good. Who wouldn't. But you groped that mango with your dirty calloused hands and when you sniffed it, it touched your beard, your beard for goodness sake and you weren't even a dude. You were breathing all over it, steamy grossness all over that mango. Then when you put it back with the others, you contaminated the whole lot, then you moved onto the gala apples. I think my EWWWW could have been much louder, you were so in the wrong here, you're such an idiot. A gross idiot, a gridiot.
Idiot3. If the Grocery Store wanted you to bring your 71 kids to shop with you, they would have a ball room or a storage locker to stuff them in. They are not meant to be in the aisle. The last jar of Nutella, sweet Nutella, and your offspring knocked it onto the ground which as you know is a double edged sword. I will not be eating Nutella tonight and that store did not get to sell it to me thus not making money, thus not thriving in this economy allowing them to order more Nutella. Get a babysitter or stop humping, or start doing it in other holes. Famidiots!
I'm not having the best of days, I'm not going to lie to you. Since my wallet has seemingly evaporated - even considering my two acts of uncharacteristic charity (helping cute spanish/perhaps englsh elderly couple in the metro, and helping woman with stoller onto subway) were repaid with the amusing karmic payback of of wallet gone missing. I amuse myself with the idea that that the old man and women worked in conjunction with the baby making lady. The joke was on all of them, or whoever ended up with my worthless wallet - since it is but a graveyard for broken Canadian government cards like my stupid "care card", which I've actually never actually used or my about to expire driver's liscence. Although the care card somehow was in five broken pieces despite non-use, so that's like five free health care cards, right? I should have sold it when I had the chance.
The lesson, as you all should know, is never, ever, help anyone, ever. God hates charity cases, people who can't find their own way on the idiot proof Paris subway, and breeders. I did lose about 5 metro tickets. And that pissed me off. But nothing a little wine and runny cheese didn't fix. Clearly my karma is better than most, since Daddy's eat cheese, and drinking wine, some poor bastard is wondering what the hell to do the world's worst wallet. Hahahahaha. Losers. Advantage, Jackson! PS: If you wouldn't mind paying off the credit card debts, that would be excellent. Thanks.
But at least there hasn't been a military coup at here like in Thailand. Jesus. Reminds me of a quote from Thirteen Days by Coster playing Kenny O'Donnel: "Geez. What is it about the free world that pisses the rest of the world." Anyway, happy pills friends lets roll some links shall will?
*I can think of no greater way to start this off than with Will Ferrell singing Wind Beneath My Wings to Megan Mullally, who for some reason has a talk show now. What the hell does she has a talk show for? That is crazy talk.
*Francis Ford Coppola jumped the shark about a dozen years ago (no, not Godfather III surprisingly, but Jack obviously) but hearing that he is involved in a TV version of his classic 1974 film The Conversation (which i just saw on the big screen here in Paris). Dear god. I'd call him a sell out, but what would be the point.
*Not really sure what is more amazing. A.) Guy Blogging about his run-in with Steve Guttenberg. B.) Same blogger podcasting it from deep within Harlem, including recounting a hilarious part of the story that you shouldn't recount in, er, Harlem. C.) That there is such as thing as Police Academy 2007 coming soon. Clearly chaos theory playing on my wallet. Butterfly flapping wings in Paris = Police Academy 2007.
*My favorite other Jackson, La Toya, is throwing some mad grooves at Australian malt liqour. Dlisted: " I think La Toya would be better suited to promote items such as sex changes or tranny clothes or even really elegant rhinestone belts like the one she has on."
For a minute I thought I was reading The Province, but no, it was The Sun which ledes with this: "Soldiers die giving kids Candy." The fact that it is right under the "Fall Fashion Preview" sure felt like The Province, but that was their story on the four Canadian soldiers killed in Afghanistan yesterday. It just seems a little too tabloid for The Sun.
I subjected my self to Rebecca Olser's fashion column so you don't have to. I feel sullied for having read this opening graph alone: "Introducing the modern material girl.She's Madonna meets Monroe without the pink, the shoulder pads and the lethal cone-shaped bras. She layers not belt upon belt, but sweater dress upon leggings. And she uses volume to dress up her womanly curves, not box them in." They actually paid for that? Pass the barf bag.
And then you have The Province acting like a real newspaper, sort of. But their headline on the Afghanistan deaths is "As Cowardly as You can Get". And remember, they're both the same story from CanWest, just different headlines. The fact that they also chose to put butterface Fergie on the cover kind gives you that Province feeling, but still, it's wierd. Everything's topsy turvy. Meanwhile on the back its "Chemistry Lesson". No not another tale of the Sedins bunking with Jan Bulis. No, this is about Matt Cooke and the possibility of playing on what The Province still has the nerve to call the number one line. Meanwhile I love where Tony "Skeletor" Gallagher's head is at this week with his non-stop Canuck commentary. Today's suject defense and scoring. Question: Is this real concern and "journalism" or is he simply dishing out the conventional wisdom for us or is he lowering expectations to such a level that that when the Canucks actually score a goal we'll literally piss ourselves in complete hysteria?
Okay, this isn't going to a good day. I've already read afewpostson various websites referencing Talk Like A Pirate Day. Let me clear up the confusion here friends. If you hear one person say either "Arrrrrr" or "Aye" or any other obnoxious variation thereof, from anyone in your office, school, bus, or wherever, I'm giving you a green light to just slap them in the face to wipe the stupid toothless pirate grin off their faces.
In the words of Gawker today is a day, "When Unfunny Retards Shine" and you should treat these "pirates" as such, savvy.
I checked into Craigslist this morning, hoping to find some great stuff. But it was the usual stupidity and general awfulness that you would expect. On the other hand you can find a few gems as they say. So let's get rolling:
*Open letter to my stupid effing neighbors - "I would like to thank you for waking me up, consistently, at 3 am. I really do enjoy crawling into work in the morning, barely able to function, because you feel the need to have prostitutes and imbiciles party at your place."
Now, come on, how successful is ranting on Craigslist? Why not, oh, I don't know, call the cops and complain? Or better yet, order them a crapload of food to their address. Two words: Passive Agressive. Look it up.
*Street Sleeping 101 - "-Keeping warm- If you have no option but to sleep on the streets, you should: * try to find somewhere sheltered * protect yourself against the cold by having a sleeping bag and/or blankets * avoid sleeping directly on the ground, for example, by putting card or blankets down first. "
Here's a question. Who is the target audience here? Are they just hoping that the homeless people are checking Craigslist's Rants & Raves for helpful lifestyle tips? It makes no sense.
*So grateful for fall so we can say farewell to flipflops..... - "I am by no means a fashionista, but why do so many people abuse flip flops? Other than on the beach or by the pool, they are an absolutely horrendous choice in footwear. This past summer I've seen them paired with everything from track pants to designer duds. Is it sheer laziness or have people just forgotten that there are beautiful sandals and sneakers to wear instead? Also, if you insist on doing this fashion no-no, please for the love of god, pay attention to the state of your feet/toes before subjecting the world to this disturbing image...... "
*Flip flops - "Exposed toes are pretty gross. But in our free world, they have the right to be out in public. The same goes for homeless people, drug addicts, hookers, rabid dogs with open sores, and muslims."
You kind of had me until the silly Muslims comment. So on second thought, I don't think comparing flip flop awesomeness to homelessness, drug addicts, hookers, or rabid dogs with open sores really helps the flip flop argument. They are gross. Period.
Now, this item seems unremarkable until you factor in the two Tony Little tapes. I'm pretty sure that would be amazing. And on vintage VHS. So sweet. Okay this is amazing Tony Little and Lany Poffo from WWF.And they're "almost new" which seems funny. Who buys VHS tapes these days anyway?
The Vancouver Sun ledes with the Montreal shooting memorial. But it is the teaser on the top right that gets me. Not only is it a lame headline: "Twins Peaking". What, are the Sedins on like acid? Don't answer that. But my god the amount of suckupatude inside is mind blowing. Like this, "the weight of the world used to be on their shoulders. This summer, Daniel and Henrik Sedin cradled it in their arms. The Vancouver Canucks' Swedish twins celebrated their watershed National Hockey League season and identical $10.7-million-US, three-year contracts by adding a new workout to a summer training regimen that makes Navy Seals camp look like frisbee golf." Also on the front is the dreaded first wave/second wave Olympic discussion. As if anyone really cared which deadbeat was running the Olympic Committee. On Sunday the Liberal leadership candidates debated in Vancouver. On Monday the Sun tried to make it sound exciting. It didn't work, especially this buried gem: "Many topics of interest to B.C. were discussed during the debate -- including salmon stocks, the pine beetle, the supervised injection site and the decriminalization of marijuana." Really is that all we care about in B.C.? The pine beetle? God help us all. Barbara Yaffe was swayed by Stephane Dion's, er, "passion" and then recounted this nugget, "Dion then quoted Rudyard Kipling, about East and West never meeting."
The Province goes right for the Security problem at YVR with the "Security breach stands thousands" But this being The Province, their lede article is mostly about the people caught waiting in line. Like we even care. The on the back the paper gets "Bullish on Bulis", which is really enough to kind of make us sick. I can only imagine the amount of towel snapping shenanigans that Bulis and the Sedin twins are getting into after reading this, "The Canucks have Bulis rooming here with Henrik Sedin. They have made sure Bulis and Daniel and Henrik are all on the same split-squad team." But my favorite item this Monday has to be Tony "Skeletor" Gallagher who is not only speculating on this season but also next season, "Because if it's not working they're essentially hooped for next season, too." What is he, French?
Olympic spending is getting out of hand. Whining about the budget is even worse. God forbid this city have any class or the ability to host a number of World Championship Events. Also the Sea to Taco Bell Highway has needed an overhaul for eons so put that in your bong and smoke it you hippies. Squampton must be thrilled with the new faster and safer highway.
Nut Job's from the states have created the US Border Backup. Should the Border staff not do their job, these Vigilantes will be sure to shoot you and your children if you make eye contact with them or look like a threat. They want everyone to know that "We are not racially motivated, whatever the hell that means."
Have you ever been to the Blockbuster on Oak and 17th? Have you been there so many times that you have had the opportunity to deal with the subject of this letter...if you found a certain employee there nauseating enough to make you want to vomit uncontrollably, then yes you know who I am talking about.
And if you want to borrow my copy of Breast Men, you know how to get a hold of me.
Tonight: Should you go see Zach Braff's new film The Last Kiss? You know what, it was probably fine the first time as Garden State. Rachel Bilson is hot, but she is no Natalie Portman, that's for sure. Should you go see The Black Dahlia. Not only does it have that goofball Josh Hartnett but it is also getting terrible buzz regardless of its Scarlett Johansson quota. Have fun with all that.
Saturday: Well, you could try celebrating Mexico's 196th Independence Day at the Sheraton (1088 Burrard). On second thought, this is like $80 bucks. Whatever. Here's a better idea: Get a build-your-own taco kit, some salsa, and a few bottles of tequila and celebrate like a real Gringo douchebag. Maybe some Dos Equis for good measure. Ole.
Sunday: This is Global Day For Dafur. Sure, we won't have Justin Trudeau or Bedouin Soundclash here in Vancouver, but George Clooney will slap you in the face if you don't care about this issue. So after you have your pancakes over in Kits, you can go to the Art Gallery between 2:00 and 5:00pm. Or you could mock the people in Navigate The Streets, some sort of not so Amazing Race concept. But for fun, get a dozen eggs, and keep them on hand if you should happen upon one of these geeks, fire away. Tell them i said it was okay.
I like my races, both amazing, and on the TV hosted by Phil Keoghan thank you very much. Thankfully Sunday is Amazing Race 10 season premiere night! So scratch all that other stuff off the board. And I'm already kind of love in with Dustin and Kandice. Even though I miss B.J. and Tyler. Wait, if I enjoy Amazing Race, what happens in Darfur? Cooney? Hello? Anyone? Oh crap.
Sorry for the lack of posts, I really had greater ambition for today, but I had the most insane lunch of duck confit that pretty much made me forget everything else in the entire world, now many hours later I have come out of my succulent duck induced coma to bring you some links. PS: the 'pot' of Loire red didn't help matters much either. Nor did the strawberry tart. Basically Paris ruined me today. On the upside, the Louvre at night is wicked dead - like 75% less douchebags at least. Although I did see two clowns in flip flops. Honestly, would it kill you to wear a pair of shoes to see the fancy art you dirty backpacking scumbags? Anyway, on with the show:
*If you've been glued to YouTube like I have, guiltily following the saga of LonelyGirl15, the cat is way out of the bag, and she was even on Leno last night. But still, maybe we'll still watch. But after this, I'm thinking perhaps not. Unless they get Tucker Carlson to play her creepy dad in future episodes. Which would be A-MaZing.
*This is awesome. A character update on the kids from Saved By The Bell. Zack Morris, 31: "As he grew older, his love of blow was only surpassed by his true passion—high school girls. He spent the majority of his free time leaning on his BMW parked in the lot near the Bayside cafeteria, offering rides to varsity—and, at his worst, JV—cheerleaders. He maintained this lifestyle until going into a seizure during an office birthday party for the lady who delivers the office supplies." So good.
*And you know how we know Tenacious D's website is the best into? Because Britney Spears is promising us her new website and she turns into a tiger, and I'm scared.
*Gawker launched a new music blog, Idolator. Nice for us.
*Flashbeer. It's not what you think. It's slightly better.
