These might not make the cut to be Olympic Mascots though my son already has a Sticky and Roley doll set. He stepped on Sticky and we had to rush him to emergency. Roley only scratched the paint off our car door before spitting on the windshield.
My Sissy Ideas:
1. Earth, Water, Fire and Wind.
Because the elements are what makes Vancouver great. You can swim in the ocean, golf on a world class course and go skiing all in one day. That's awesome, I love this place!
2. Sequoia and Cedar.
Two happy go lucky trees because trees make the province so wonderful.
3. Spirit and Cinnamon. Calgary did bears for their games and we should too. For spirit bears and other bears that are all different shades of brown.
I think these could be a contender...if not though I have some backups after the link:
I'm pretty sure this just happened. After a fabulous meal at Nuba - and if you've never had the deep fried cauliflower, you just haven't lived. Deep fried things are pretty much nature's candy anyway. Where was I? Oh, right, after that I'm quite sure I wasn't seeing things when I saw the following:
Seymour street between Hastings and Cordova. Middle aged fauxster hippie with requisite ponytail. That was bad enough and thankfully there were no flip flops. But this amazing guy was walking a ferret on a leash. Or a rat, possibly. Terrible. And trying to kind of say to the world, "Yeah, I have a ferret, and I'm walking it, so there yuppie scums." Please.
So, I have to say, there are still people walking around Vancouver in flip flops. Come on, it's almost October and the beach is no where near Gastown. Reader Lee Van Cleef combined my two least favorite things - cats and flip flops - in one awe inspiring video of creep-tude. He clearly hates me. He also passed along this Cat Head Theatre, which is so creepy that It has to be shared. Thanks. This is what you get one you're not posting enough. I brought this onto myself. And it serves me right.
One of our faithful readers, Lee, sent this along this from 24 Hours this morning.
It's pretty self-explanitory, but note the amazing followup second entertainment story, "What's that smell" which is pretty unintentionally funny. Way to go 24 Hours. You made our day.
This is weak and I know it is. I elaborated on some things to help form visuals and mood and make my life look more exciting, because it's not. For example, the pregnant lady was actually a homeless guy and I don't have stage fright, I am actually a woman.
Jackson asked that I not take up so much space on the site so for now on you can find the gist of my junk, following the link...
Dear god, it's some freaked out Raise a Reader day and there are creepy mascots handing out newspapers and other perky newsies trying to guilt you into donating money in exchange for your not-so-free Vancouver Sun. This is all a little bit much before 9:00 am and the first coffee. Come on giant dog in a cowboy hat. Yikes, this is too much.
Come on, when 24 Hours is sporting the new Kokanee glacier girls on the cover, the kiddies can just try to figure it out themselves.
This is rich. Mayor Sam Sullivan, the leader of our blessed do nothing City Council, wants to take a fact finding mission to Europe next year, "to look at drug strategy in countries like the Netherlands and Finland." [CKNW]
What a total boondoggle. Ever hear of a phone? And please, why no Singapore trip Sammy? Come on. But what do you think:
Weird how blogging can be so easy with a 9-hour time difference advantage and $3 bottles of French wine and yet turns so difficult when you're on Pacific Standard Time and couldn't find a decent bottle of wine for $3 unless you were on the Downtown Eastside and already three visits to Insite under your belt for the day. At least, some other Vancouver bloggers are working it. Like:
The idea that Taylor Pratt has a Myspace page, likes to refer to himself as Tay, terrible Dawson Leary looking hair, and has only one 'friend'. Sure 'Tay' likes "having fun and going out with the ladies" but in this mixed up world where Belinda Stronach is sleeping with Tie Domi, we may have found the misisng peice of the puzzle for the Canucks this year, the gay Todd Bertuzzi. [Orland Kurtenblog]
ICBC is promoting October as Zero Crash Month. It's kind of like being a nucleaer free zone. Who's running ICBC these days, Mickey Mouse? Goofy? [Metroblogging Vancouver]
Dentyne gum apparently has a racey new ad campaign in Vancouver. Well racey is being pretty generous. [Beyond Robson]
There must be more to this Border Guard story than the media let out. It just makes better news that this Country's *first* line of defence has the will of wet toilet paper. The Border Guards are part of a union though and you do as you are told in a union. I bet many would have stayed if given the choice because it's true that people aren't going to respect them anymore even after they get their guns.
Hopefully a Guard or someone with the answer speaks up because some people as stupid as me might disregard their power in light of these events. I might say something to a guard next time I cross like "Hey tough guy, would you run if killer bees were heading up here?" or "If a homicide suspect was on a train going 225km and it left a Portland station at 7:30am, at what time would you and all the other border guards run into a corner and pee yourselves?"
24 Hours amazingly seems to be guest edited by M.C. Hammer this morning, with a catchy "Can't Touch This" headline and big story about useage of the Olympic ring logos. "Vancouver will be able to use an integrated logo comprised of the VANOC Inukshuk symbol and the words "host city". But it can't automatically use the famous rings alone, or even the Games themselves to promote the city." Or as The Hammer would say:
"My, my, my, my music hits me so hard
Makes me say oh my Lord
Thank you for blessing me
With a mind to rhyme and two hyped feet
Feels good when you know you're down
A superbowl homeboy from the Oaktown
And I'm known as such
And this is a beat uh you can't touch "
In The Sun, you have the political fallout of the border guards running away Sunday in the face of danger: "Toronto area Liberal MP Derek Lee ignited an uproar in the House of Commons Monday when he called unarmed border guards in B.C. "wimps" for walking off the job Sunday after U.S. authorities warned them an armed murder suspect was headed for the border." And you can also vote on "hits we love to hate" with some introduction by "Cheryl Hickey, the musically savvy host of Entertainment Tonight Canada, to tell us about the hit song she loves to hate." The racktacular barbie doll thinks it's "Wind Beneath My Wings". And of course the is media intregration from the overlords at Canwest. Bless them!
The Province ledes with the ship that ran aground yesterday off Stanley Park, although even for the Province the "Grounded" title seems fairly obvious. Now, on the back page it's shirts off! But it's really about the White Caps and Soccer, and so really, does anyone actually care I ask? Seriously?
Uwe Boll has just done something I am sure every Artist, Journalist, Novelist, Producer, Musician, etc... wishes they could do; that is to beat the crap out of their critics. I think this could be the most awesome thing ever.
Imagine if everything was settled in the ring or the octagon. "Oh you think this site is like a Badly Written High School Paper? Thanks for the feedback, now shut up, put this helmet on and protect your satchel because I'm going to violate you in front of an audience."
I don't like your movies Uwe because I am scared of the dark, I sleep with a bicycle helmet on to protect my brains from zombies...But I have great respect for you as a person now.
The Sun leads with the walk out of border guards at four border stops after a warning that an armed man wanted for murder might be heading to the border. This fills our security with total confidence as our border patrol basically abandon's ship at the sight of one armed man. They couldn't call for back from the RCMP? The army? We are all doomed. Meanwhile the Sports section asks, Anson who? "Daniel Sedin scored twice on the power play, both on set-ups from brother Henrik, and the twins looked comfortable skating on a line with captain Markus Naslund as the Canucks broke their pre-season goose-egg with a 4-3 shootout win over the Anaheim Ducks at General Motors Place."
Ahhhhhh, 24 Hours, nothing says cute like small children on Navy ships, even if they are from the Canadian Navy. That's the main cover shot. Meanwhile, the news headline is a short headline and story about the ninth annual B.C. Police and Peace Officers' Memorial Service. Last but not least, director Uwe Boll's publicity stunt where he faces off against critics in the ring, went down Saturday, and he seemingly kicked all the interweb nerds asses.
Should Lu Lu Lemon have to screen customers? Should anyone be allowed to walk in and buy their awfully stretchy clothing regardless of body type or, dare I say, species...(I'm a dead man for saying this stuff btw)
Here is a store that obviously didn't consider the entire public when they said let's make hot pants for already attractive people. Not, "Well there's some skinny girls out there, and there is some fatty's and some average girls, tall girls, short ones, pregnant girls, halfy's...uhhh yeah...let's just stick to baggy sweat pants shall we?, yeah no stretchy materials. Okay good, let's start making these things, okay great..." That's the conversation that should have happened...but it didn't. I think greed was the driving force here...Where the hell is Bill Hicks when we need him?
It's Friday, and yes, I'm in love with YouTube. Before you suffer through a day of work for the man, or perhaps during it, here's some linkage and clips for you to pass the time, serve with an adult beverage if you want I won't tell. Leading off, there was the Ghetto Latte, now there is The Ghetto Big Mac. Enjoy:
*You could go see Sheryl Crow and John Mayer are at the Coliseum tonight, 7pm. Poor Sheryl Crow, first cancer, then having to play with this ugly hippy scrub. But even though John Mayer had the gall to dump Jessica Simpson and try to act like he pranked her it's pretty lame. He'll tour with Sheryl Crow, but won't go out with Jessica Simpson? What a loser. Have fun.
*If you can't get into that. Do not, repeat, do not think it is ironic or cute to go to The Stone Temple, which we forgot to insult on its 10th anniversary party yesterday. Sorry about that.
Saturday
*Oh my god, Mariah Carey is in town. Have you seen her? Have you seen her lately? My god. 8pm GM Place with Busta Rhymes. Wow, Busta, playing with Mariah Carey, you've really let yourself go, almost as much as Mimi has.
Sunday
*The Canucks are at GM Place for their first preseason home game. Am I the only one that finds it ironic that the Canucks ticket number is 604-899-Goal? Perhaps they should try calling it to score some - sure three last night, but you gave up 4. I can do the math. [Canucks Home Page]
*Clearly, it's really just time to relax and check out Jackass: Number Two before heading home to watch TV, which is what Sunday's are made for. [Official Movie Site]
*9:05 PM Thursday night. Preseason Game #2. Canucks are down 3-0. The Canucks forums already home to outrageous panic. [Orland Kurtenblog]
And to throw fuel on a clearly dangerous situation, which is just how we roll, I give you this amazing video:
*Pretty sure that if your cool jeans store, Lucky Jeans opening today, is opening in Metrotown you've moved from cool, through mainstream, passed go, and moved directly to designated suburban douchebag couture. [SweetSpot Vancouver]
*John Bollwitt and Miss 604 do their latest podcast while drinking cranberry slurpees spiked with vodka. Given'r! [Radio Zoom]
*Apparently Century Restaurant and Bar is haunted. Yeah, sure. Whatever. I've also heard that the lower Richards area joint is in the famous words of Charles, "dead anyways." [Metroblogging Vancouver]
This is surely 4 minutes and 30 seconds I'll bet Tamara Taggart wishes she wasn't just the weather girl. This is like the "Grassy Knoll" angle of a streeter weather report gone horribly wrong. And not to add insult to near injury, but what on earth was she wearing? A shirt with little cherries on it?
The Sun does a massive front cover/business section profile of "Vancouver's other billionaire" Calvin Ayre including the requisite Paris Hilton photo on the cover and the sexy ending: "it seems to be closely following the script of the Thomas Crown Affair, where a stylish art thief plays an extended game of cat and mouse with his pursuer.The only question is how it will end." And this kind of dwarfs the news about the virtual fence that could be arriving at B.C.'s border.
24 Hours discovers the Olympics and warns about "Olympic Size trouble", the potential for a tripling of homeless people in Vancouver. Then there is a story about a women who got "Bugged out" of her apartment filled with bedbugs and news that Vancouver has, finally, it's own Bedbug task force. And then the party bites its lower lip and gets real serious, "How skinny is too skinny".
The Province is uncharacteristically serious and all about the fench today. Hate it.
Even though Marco Materazzi may have been uttering schoolyard taunts right before he was head-butted by Zinedine Zidane in the World Cup, it's nice to know that when an endorsement deal is on the line, he's ready to take it like a man. Nike's newest ad featuring the disgraced footballer is quite a fun little tongue in cheek reference to the chest whomping he took from ZZ. That said, ZZ strikes me as a pretty angry fellow, so Materazzi's probably better off taking his chances with the wrecking ball.
It's that time people. Another week, another issue of the Georgia Straight. This week is action packed, it's the Best of Issue. Thankfully there are so many things I didn't even bother having to read the news articles. Here we go:
5. And yes it is the 11th annual Best of Vancouver issue this week. There is a lot of things in here that need to be dealt with but I'll give you two. First, shout outs to the ridiculously named Burquitlam suburb are an affront to both Burnaby and Coquitlam - they both should be ashamed of this abomination. Second, the honor of Best PR campaign by a B.C. animal went to the Spirit Bear makes me want to rent a truck, a gun rack, and go up to that damned forrest and shoot me some bears.
4. My Favorite Line in the best of section was the best reason to miss EXPO 86 20 years later: "False Creek had the Soviet space program, Ramses II, and the Scream Machine. And we gave it all up for condos, miniature dogs, and no-foam lattes. What were we thinking?" That or the part about "Best way to meet swinging MILFs" which is so gross it's funny.
3. My god, do we really have to hear what the Readers think? As proof I give you these dirty bits: Nickleback is Best Local Band? Brent Butt as Best Local Comedian? Very funny Georgia Straight readers. Very funny.
2. Gothe speaks more of fruits and not of grapes. I'm not sure this is cool. Canvados? Really? Clearly he is drunk, and we respect that. Pass. Wash it down with some of this, and you got yourself a deal, Gothe.
1. We finally figured out why the City Singles featured are so ridiculous, they select them to simply keep me entertained weekly. According to their "Best of Lifestyle - Critics' Choices", they named this site and particularly this feature "Best way to stay humble". To which I thank them.
And this week, praise be Jeebus, I honor and thank them for finding this goddess. The 32-year-old fine smelling, so she says anyway, Shannon. A trainwreck delight from the "Co-Q" who should not have quite so many eggs "benny style" prolly. But I'm sure her lonely nights spent dreaming of the black Ed Norton and watching "The Notebook" out in Coquitlam waiting for Mr. Right to email her are heavenly. Bwhahahahahahahaha.
This week, we had the giddy and smutty pleasure of getting the inside dirt on Vancouver's own gossip queen Elaine "Lainey" Lui. Lainey has been keeping her smuthouding readers current with all that is good, bad, and ugly in celebrity gossip at LaineyGossip.com, and has parlayed that success (and really, can 200,000 unique readers a week be wrong?) into regular gigs at CTV's eTalk and starting next week Lainey will be joining Coleen Christie for the CTV News at 5 two times a week. That's a lot of smut!
Fresh from her trip to The Toronto Film Festival where she rubbed elbows on the red carpets, Lainey dishes the delicious smut on what her typical day is like, her secret crush on Shane West, her designs on The View's Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Orlando Blooms pathetic chin whiskers, and Vancouver's closet smuthounds.
The Vancouverite: So can you tell us the story of how exactly Elaine Lui became the “Chinese Gwyenth Paltrow” and “queen of all gossip” in Vancouver & Canada?
Lainey: Queen of All Gossip? No… I won’t own that. But I will own the Chinese Gwyneth Paltrow. And I will own the fact that I’m a lifelong smuthound, raised on gossip, raised on Hollywood fumes. It all started out as a lark – an email on the day’s entertainment headlines sent to 2 girlfriends. They forwarded it, and those people forwarded it, and pretty soon, thousands of people were reading my newsletter, crashing my mail server, which compelled me to launch the site…
Well, 24 Hours really rolls out an instant classic this morning. Not only do we get the obnoxious cover "You otter be in pictures". "It wasn't too long ago that sea otters, with their lovable faces and childlike antics, were extinct in B.C.'s coastal waters." And 24 Hours tells me that the glorious sea rat, I mean otter, is back, oh joy of joys. And on that note it's a double shot of cute with this bit of Spirit Bear news, "The Spirit Bear Youth Coalition will attack the provincial government with cartoon characters if the Liberals don't protect the white bear's stomping grounds." No, not cartoons! Lastly, another goverment report is out, this time about the children in the care of the government getting ritilan 12 times more likely than regular kids.
Over at The Sun, trying to keep pace with the breaking 24 Hours otter story, it's a monkey on the cover. A cute baby monkey. Bastards. For good measure they also front incredible journey of the The Adams River sockeye run. Anyway, now it is The City of Vancouver's turn to figure out that these Olympics are going to cost a lot of money. Gosh! My favorite bit of news was the fact that a Chinese factory that used to make 200 million Mao badges has switched to making Harry Potter and Star Wars ones. Take that Mao! Meanwhile Malcolm Parry gets on his chair and tells us about plans to turn the St. Regis hotel into a boutique hotel.
At least The Province goes hardhitting with "Gridlock City". Okay maybe not hardhitting exactly, but it starts like this, "Lower Mainland commuters are in highway hell, burned up and burned out by traffic congestion that's thickening right in front of their eyes." The article also had this groudbreaking angle: "The traffic picture isn't any prettier from the air. Lara Dewitt, who monitors traffic from a helicopter for AM 730 and sister station CKNW, said congestion is 'terrible. The last two weeks, this is the busiest I've ever seen it. I am very happy to be flying above it all. I don't know how these people do it every day.'"
Here's a little local cat hating video from Friday September 15, 2006. A coyote prowls Point Grey taunting cat lovers with a dead house cat in his mouth. Advantage: Coyote. Later, the coyote ran some errands with mixed results...
The Sun fronts the coup in Thailand. Honestly all this talk about coups in Thailand is making want to b-line for Simply Thai. Until then there is a big article about Vij and his new cookbook. The other big front story is the investigation of in-custody deaths - 111 people have died in police custody since 2000. And I'm still scratching my head over both the tease for an article on the cover about ping pong and the idea of a ping pong college.
As usual 24 Hours has something completely un-newsy on the cover. Today is the unusual fundraiser that involves getting "hooked into a harness for a rewarding rappel down the side of a 16-story building in downtown Vancouver." Coup in Thailand? Whatever.
Okay, okay, William Shatner was here this past week, which is amazing. But here's the odd bit lifted from Joy Metcalfe: ".William was also spotted at Britton's, the tony jewellry store on Howe, where he purchased a stunning bracelet..." Shatner's a bracelet guy? Gross.
I'm not sure I can take another Jessica Alba "gulping" osyters at Joe Fortes report which is pretty much all 24 Hours is offering in gossip this week. Although the only thing worse is hearing about her and Mark Walberg going to Absolute Spa at the Hotel Vancouver and the Fairmont at the Airport.
Robert Falconer at Metro Vancouver I think, overplays the whole Canadian Awards for the Electronic and Animated Arts. He ledes with, "The stars were out and the champagne flowed". Now, Of course, William Shatner is a legend, but this doesn't help the case: a "who's who of Canadian industry celebrities" like William B. Davis, Gwynyth Walsh, and Teryl Rothery. Is that really the technical definition of who's who or celebrity? Falconer also go nowhere in his questions of Shatner on the new Star Trek film.
Meanwhile Susan Sarandon is set to film two movies in Vancouver, Alba style. Of course she'll be in the "Batttle in Seattle" about the WTO riot, and then she's lined up to star in "Eleanor and Colette." The better news being she costars with Charlize in the first and Helena Bonham Carter in the second. WHich is nice for us.
It's almost time for hockey. Are you pumped? Our smutty Cancucks blogger is about to grace us with her presence in the next few days. So let's turn the clock back to last season and show you the exact moment where the Vancouver Canucks officially lost the season. I believe it was five seconds into this video, where the live flute jam session started what is most likely the worst psych-up/sports introduction video, EVER. Pretty sure this wholesale suckage was reason they lost, since nothing is really ever as thrilling on paper as when a bald guy is actually playing his flute (or whatever) at a Hockey match.
At about 1:27 into this epic tale you can actually see where a little part of Trevor Linden actually dies. And somehow the rabid Vancouver Canuck crowd didn't do anything to stop this. Stunning. Absolutely stunning.
Idiot 1. This could be a toss up as to whether I am the idiot here or you are. You are in a wheelchair so it's unlikely people vote for you. All I asked was if you thought it was appropriate that handicap people have to pay for two transit fares because you take up so much god damn room on the sky train. Then as you started to boil I thought asking if you took that thing off any sweet jumps lately would calm things down, I was wrong. You flipped out, obviously though in your case you can't really flip out, or can you... I guess you would have to be going pretty fast huh? Yeah I think I take the cake here...
Idiot 2. I can understand that when you buy fruits and vegetables you want to make sure it smells right and feels good. Who wouldn't. But you groped that mango with your dirty calloused hands and when you sniffed it, it touched your beard, your beard for goodness sake and you weren't even a dude. You were breathing all over it, steamy grossness all over that mango. Then when you put it back with the others, you contaminated the whole lot, then you moved onto the gala apples. I think my EWWWW could have been much louder, you were so in the wrong here, you're such an idiot. A gross idiot, a gridiot.
Idiot3. If the Grocery Store wanted you to bring your 71 kids to shop with you, they would have a ball room or a storage locker to stuff them in. They are not meant to be in the aisle. The last jar of Nutella, sweet Nutella, and your offspring knocked it onto the ground which as you know is a double edged sword. I will not be eating Nutella tonight and that store did not get to sell it to me thus not making money, thus not thriving in this economy allowing them to order more Nutella. Get a babysitter or stop humping, or start doing it in other holes. Famidiots!
I'm not having the best of days, I'm not going to lie to you. Since my wallet has seemingly evaporated - even considering my two acts of uncharacteristic charity (helping cute spanish/perhaps englsh elderly couple in the metro, and helping woman with stoller onto subway) were repaid with the amusing karmic payback of of wallet gone missing. I amuse myself with the idea that that the old man and women worked in conjunction with the baby making lady. The joke was on all of them, or whoever ended up with my worthless wallet - since it is but a graveyard for broken Canadian government cards like my stupid "care card", which I've actually never actually used or my about to expire driver's liscence. Although the care card somehow was in five broken pieces despite non-use, so that's like five free health care cards, right? I should have sold it when I had the chance.
The lesson, as you all should know, is never, ever, help anyone, ever. God hates charity cases, people who can't find their own way on the idiot proof Paris subway, and breeders. I did lose about 5 metro tickets. And that pissed me off. But nothing a little wine and runny cheese didn't fix. Clearly my karma is better than most, since Daddy's eat cheese, and drinking wine, some poor bastard is wondering what the hell to do the world's worst wallet. Hahahahaha. Losers. Advantage, Jackson! PS: If you wouldn't mind paying off the credit card debts, that would be excellent. Thanks.
But at least there hasn't been a military coup at here like in Thailand. Jesus. Reminds me of a quote from Thirteen Days by Coster playing Kenny O'Donnel: "Geez. What is it about the free world that pisses the rest of the world." Anyway, happy pills friends lets roll some links shall will?
*I can think of no greater way to start this off than with Will Ferrell singing Wind Beneath My Wings to Megan Mullally, who for some reason has a talk show now. What the hell does she has a talk show for? That is crazy talk.
*Francis Ford Coppola jumped the shark about a dozen years ago (no, not Godfather III surprisingly, but Jack obviously) but hearing that he is involved in a TV version of his classic 1974 film The Conversation (which i just saw on the big screen here in Paris). Dear god. I'd call him a sell out, but what would be the point.
*Not really sure what is more amazing. A.) Guy Blogging about his run-in with Steve Guttenberg. B.) Same blogger podcasting it from deep within Harlem, including recounting a hilarious part of the story that you shouldn't recount in, er, Harlem. C.) That there is such as thing as Police Academy 2007 coming soon. Clearly chaos theory playing on my wallet. Butterfly flapping wings in Paris = Police Academy 2007.
*My favorite other Jackson, La Toya, is throwing some mad grooves at Australian malt liqour. Dlisted: " I think La Toya would be better suited to promote items such as sex changes or tranny clothes or even really elegant rhinestone belts like the one she has on."
For a minute I thought I was reading The Province, but no, it was The Sun which ledes with this: "Soldiers die giving kids Candy." The fact that it is right under the "Fall Fashion Preview" sure felt like The Province, but that was their story on the four Canadian soldiers killed in Afghanistan yesterday. It just seems a little too tabloid for The Sun.
I subjected my self to Rebecca Olser's fashion column so you don't have to. I feel sullied for having read this opening graph alone: "Introducing the modern material girl.She's Madonna meets Monroe without the pink, the shoulder pads and the lethal cone-shaped bras. She layers not belt upon belt, but sweater dress upon leggings. And she uses volume to dress up her womanly curves, not box them in." They actually paid for that? Pass the barf bag.
And then you have The Province acting like a real newspaper, sort of. But their headline on the Afghanistan deaths is "As Cowardly as You can Get". And remember, they're both the same story from CanWest, just different headlines. The fact that they also chose to put butterface Fergie on the cover kind gives you that Province feeling, but still, it's wierd. Everything's topsy turvy. Meanwhile on the back its "Chemistry Lesson". No not another tale of the Sedins bunking with Jan Bulis. No, this is about Matt Cooke and the possibility of playing on what The Province still has the nerve to call the number one line. Meanwhile I love where Tony "Skeletor" Gallagher's head is at this week with his non-stop Canuck commentary. Today's suject defense and scoring. Question: Is this real concern and "journalism" or is he simply dishing out the conventional wisdom for us or is he lowering expectations to such a level that that when the Canucks actually score a goal we'll literally piss ourselves in complete hysteria?
Okay, this isn't going to a good day. I've already read afewpostson various websites referencing Talk Like A Pirate Day. Let me clear up the confusion here friends. If you hear one person say either "Arrrrrr" or "Aye" or any other obnoxious variation thereof, from anyone in your office, school, bus, or wherever, I'm giving you a green light to just slap them in the face to wipe the stupid toothless pirate grin off their faces.
In the words of Gawker today is a day, "When Unfunny Retards Shine" and you should treat these "pirates" as such, savvy.
I checked into Craigslist this morning, hoping to find some great stuff. But it was the usual stupidity and general awfulness that you would expect. On the other hand you can find a few gems as they say. So let's get rolling:
*Open letter to my stupid effing neighbors - "I would like to thank you for waking me up, consistently, at 3 am. I really do enjoy crawling into work in the morning, barely able to function, because you feel the need to have prostitutes and imbiciles party at your place."
Now, come on, how successful is ranting on Craigslist? Why not, oh, I don't know, call the cops and complain? Or better yet, order them a crapload of food to their address. Two words: Passive Agressive. Look it up.
*Street Sleeping 101 - "-Keeping warm- If you have no option but to sleep on the streets, you should: * try to find somewhere sheltered * protect yourself against the cold by having a sleeping bag and/or blankets * avoid sleeping directly on the ground, for example, by putting card or blankets down first. "
Here's a question. Who is the target audience here? Are they just hoping that the homeless people are checking Craigslist's Rants & Raves for helpful lifestyle tips? It makes no sense.
*So grateful for fall so we can say farewell to flipflops..... - "I am by no means a fashionista, but why do so many people abuse flip flops? Other than on the beach or by the pool, they are an absolutely horrendous choice in footwear. This past summer I've seen them paired with everything from track pants to designer duds. Is it sheer laziness or have people just forgotten that there are beautiful sandals and sneakers to wear instead? Also, if you insist on doing this fashion no-no, please for the love of god, pay attention to the state of your feet/toes before subjecting the world to this disturbing image...... "
*Flip flops - "Exposed toes are pretty gross. But in our free world, they have the right to be out in public. The same goes for homeless people, drug addicts, hookers, rabid dogs with open sores, and muslims."
You kind of had me until the silly Muslims comment. So on second thought, I don't think comparing flip flop awesomeness to homelessness, drug addicts, hookers, or rabid dogs with open sores really helps the flip flop argument. They are gross. Period.
Now, this item seems unremarkable until you factor in the two Tony Little tapes. I'm pretty sure that would be amazing. And on vintage VHS. So sweet. Okay this is amazing Tony Little and Lany Poffo from WWF.And they're "almost new" which seems funny. Who buys VHS tapes these days anyway?
The Vancouver Sun ledes with the Montreal shooting memorial. But it is the teaser on the top right that gets me. Not only is it a lame headline: "Twins Peaking". What, are the Sedins on like acid? Don't answer that. But my god the amount of suckupatude inside is mind blowing. Like this, "the weight of the world used to be on their shoulders. This summer, Daniel and Henrik Sedin cradled it in their arms. The Vancouver Canucks' Swedish twins celebrated their watershed National Hockey League season and identical $10.7-million-US, three-year contracts by adding a new workout to a summer training regimen that makes Navy Seals camp look like frisbee golf." Also on the front is the dreaded first wave/second wave Olympic discussion. As if anyone really cared which deadbeat was running the Olympic Committee. On Sunday the Liberal leadership candidates debated in Vancouver. On Monday the Sun tried to make it sound exciting. It didn't work, especially this buried gem: "Many topics of interest to B.C. were discussed during the debate -- including salmon stocks, the pine beetle, the supervised injection site and the decriminalization of marijuana." Really is that all we care about in B.C.? The pine beetle? God help us all. Barbara Yaffe was swayed by Stephane Dion's, er, "passion" and then recounted this nugget, "Dion then quoted Rudyard Kipling, about East and West never meeting."
The Province goes right for the Security problem at YVR with the "Security breach stands thousands" But this being The Province, their lede article is mostly about the people caught waiting in line. Like we even care. The on the back the paper gets "Bullish on Bulis", which is really enough to kind of make us sick. I can only imagine the amount of towel snapping shenanigans that Bulis and the Sedin twins are getting into after reading this, "The Canucks have Bulis rooming here with Henrik Sedin. They have made sure Bulis and Daniel and Henrik are all on the same split-squad team." But my favorite item this Monday has to be Tony "Skeletor" Gallagher who is not only speculating on this season but also next season, "Because if it's not working they're essentially hooped for next season, too." What is he, French?
Olympic spending is getting out of hand. Whining about the budget is even worse. God forbid this city have any class or the ability to host a number of World Championship Events. Also the Sea to Taco Bell Highway has needed an overhaul for eons so put that in your bong and smoke it you hippies. Squampton must be thrilled with the new faster and safer highway.
Nut Job's from the states have created the US Border Backup. Should the Border staff not do their job, these Vigilantes will be sure to shoot you and your children if you make eye contact with them or look like a threat. They want everyone to know that "We are not racially motivated, whatever the hell that means."
Have you ever been to the Blockbuster on Oak and 17th? Have you been there so many times that you have had the opportunity to deal with the subject of this letter...if you found a certain employee there nauseating enough to make you want to vomit uncontrollably, then yes you know who I am talking about.
And if you want to borrow my copy of Breast Men, you know how to get a hold of me.
Tonight: Should you go see Zach Braff's new film The Last Kiss? You know what, it was probably fine the first time as Garden State. Rachel Bilson is hot, but she is no Natalie Portman, that's for sure. Should you go see The Black Dahlia. Not only does it have that goofball Josh Hartnett but it is also getting terrible buzz regardless of its Scarlett Johansson quota. Have fun with all that.
Saturday: Well, you could try celebrating Mexico's 196th Independence Day at the Sheraton (1088 Burrard). On second thought, this is like $80 bucks. Whatever. Here's a better idea: Get a build-your-own taco kit, some salsa, and a few bottles of tequila and celebrate like a real Gringo douchebag. Maybe some Dos Equis for good measure. Ole.
Sunday: This is Global Day For Dafur. Sure, we won't have Justin Trudeau or Bedouin Soundclash here in Vancouver, but George Clooney will slap you in the face if you don't care about this issue. So after you have your pancakes over in Kits, you can go to the Art Gallery between 2:00 and 5:00pm. Or you could mock the people in Navigate The Streets, some sort of not so Amazing Race concept. But for fun, get a dozen eggs, and keep them on hand if you should happen upon one of these geeks, fire away. Tell them i said it was okay.
I like my races, both amazing, and on the TV hosted by Phil Keoghan thank you very much. Thankfully Sunday is Amazing Race 10 season premiere night! So scratch all that other stuff off the board. And I'm already kind of love in with Dustin and Kandice. Even though I miss B.J. and Tyler. Wait, if I enjoy Amazing Race, what happens in Darfur? Cooney? Hello? Anyone? Oh crap.
Sorry for the lack of posts, I really had greater ambition for today, but I had the most insane lunch of duck confit that pretty much made me forget everything else in the entire world, now many hours later I have come out of my succulent duck induced coma to bring you some links. PS: the 'pot' of Loire red didn't help matters much either. Nor did the strawberry tart. Basically Paris ruined me today. On the upside, the Louvre at night is wicked dead - like 75% less douchebags at least. Although I did see two clowns in flip flops. Honestly, would it kill you to wear a pair of shoes to see the fancy art you dirty backpacking scumbags? Anyway, on with the show:
*If you've been glued to YouTube like I have, guiltily following the saga of LonelyGirl15, the cat is way out of the bag, and she was even on Leno last night. But still, maybe we'll still watch. But after this, I'm thinking perhaps not. Unless they get Tucker Carlson to play her creepy dad in future episodes. Which would be A-MaZing.
*This is awesome. A character update on the kids from Saved By The Bell. Zack Morris, 31: "As he grew older, his love of blow was only surpassed by his true passion—high school girls. He spent the majority of his free time leaning on his BMW parked in the lot near the Bayside cafeteria, offering rides to varsity—and, at his worst, JV—cheerleaders. He maintained this lifestyle until going into a seizure during an office birthday party for the lady who delivers the office supplies." So good.
*And you know how we know Tenacious D's website is the best into? Because Britney Spears is promising us her new website and she turns into a tiger, and I'm scared.
*Gawker launched a new music blog, Idolator. Nice for us.
*Flashbeer. It's not what you think. It's slightly better.
The Vancouver Sun fronts the news that no one should be surprised about, spiriling Olympic costs, but come on, is the "2010 Games in crisis" headline really needed? It's a little dramatic, non? Vanoc head John Furlong says pretty much, "don't worry about it". Vaughn Palmer blames the Liberals and basically says the, "Liberals were trying to keep you in the dark." And more on the editorial page, "The explanation by the province as to why it was not done is akin to a small boy trying to explain why the broken window was not his fault, even though he hit the ball that went through it."
Now you can see The Province wanted to talk about the $2.5 billion spending on the Olympics but they just weren't quite ready to move on from the Montreal shooting news, fronting the killer pointing a gun on the front and the "Inside the mind of a Madman" headline. The fact that the back cover of new Vancouver Canucks goalie looks suspiciously mad as well is a nice touch. Meanwhile on the editorial page it's a defense of the Olympics cost rises or no cost rises, "B.C. taxpayers, though, should not forget to factor in the billions of dollars in economic benefits that the Olympics -- thanks to global publicity -- will bring to our tourism-dependent province."
I'd tell you what 24 Hours is fronting, except their website isn't responding.
My Stinky brethren, have I got a ploy for you that is so cunning you might wet yourself, again, in sheer excitement.
Your repetitive diatribe needs an extension. You ask for change, and we say we don't have any which is BS because we always do. What you should say is "Do you have any change...for a toonie?" Then we pull out our change without thinking and you say "Sorry, what I meant to say originally is "Can you spare some change." WALKING GOLDMINES YEAH?
Dude, it is perfectly okay for your significant other to put Justin Timberlake pictures all over the computer or on the wall, the fridge and even her wallet because that's just innocent fun, according to her.
It is apparently not okay for you to replace them with filthy, but still weirdly hot, girl on girl scat pictures no matter how freakin funny it actually is, to you. Trying to explain where you found those pictures will only sound like verbal diarrhea...believe it.
God bless the gossip rags, those purveyors of all news related to Britney Spears, Brangelina and Janice Dickinson's living room. In fact, all those delightfully trashy tabloids are taking over magazine racks everywhere as people's lust for celebrity news overtakes their interest in, well, just about everything else. Now, not only do these bastions of literature have the power to reveal the truth behind the stars, they also apparently wield enough power to cause trendy boutiques to slowly go out of business.
Kitson's, a fun if slightly ridiculous shop on Robertson Blvd, is suing US Weekly because the magazine's refusal to name drop the store is costing owners upwards of $10K per week. While tabloids may be taking the world by storm, it's possible that Kitson's may be giving the rag a little too much credit. Last time I checked, Hollywood was just as ruled by fads and trends as anywhere (probably even more so), and maybe it's possible that people just got over the Kitson's kitsch. Or maybe US Weekly really can run shops into the ground. Scary.
*Susan Natalie looks at another possible upside to Anne Heche's shot in Vancouver and likely to be cancelled before December comedy Men In Trees. "Definitely a good opportunity for local hairy-guy actors in Vancouver to try and score walk-on parts here and there, that's for sure. But that was to be expected."
*Vanmega in a little ditty called "Springsteen Strudel" reviews the new toys from Mac that I don't really understand. "There are 2 elements from today's release which are real smart. The first is the cover browser functionality (pictured above). I was at Zulu browsing vinyl the other week, simply because the act of combing through the racks is an enjoyable experience (well... for music nerds with too much free time). I've done this and felt this way since I was brooding teen."
*As C3PO would say, "Thank the maker". Gus Greeper is back from her honeymoon and providing us what we dig about her. Shameless blogging of her in a bikini, her reactions on Steve Irwin, turtles peeing on her, and of course, her "classy travelers diarrhea".
*Darren Barefoot gives a nice little headbutt to the absoultely terrible idea of Man on the Street Interviews. "Why would I care what a UBC student thinks? I come to the media for information, analysis and educated opinion. I want to hear from newsmakers, eye witnesses and experts–not average Joes or Jills. If the average Joe is, in fact, an expert in the news story, then bring them into the studio and interview them properly."
*The dudes at Orland Kurtenblog debate what they are now calling The Kesler Affair. There's plenty of good stuff during the debate. Top three: 1. Mike says: "Of course you do, you're a douchebag too." 2. Jason says: "You are a commie." 3. Jason says: "You are an obese Marx blower."
*Dear lord. International Talk Like a Pirate Day is coming up (Sept 19). And Goldendgod is promoting a Vancouver event which promises the following: "Make yer own ship, parrot or wench to kidnap! Bring booty and swag! Remember, you are rogues! Privateers! Don’t dance the hempen jig, but plunder in the park, hornswaggle the landlubbers and win the day!" Hornswaggle? Really?
I was thinking that with last week's issue the Straight was rolling in fine form, and at first glance we have some seemingly cool nude folks on the cover. But my god, does that guy on the cover really have a fauxhawk? For real? And covering up that funky chick? You tease! Anyway, what's inside this fauxhawked nude tease:
5. City Single of the Week. It's Jordan. She's 20 (...sure she is, Come on, did you see that photo, she's 25 or more - here's a tip Jordan, ever hear of Photoshop? And really, you're not a real blonde, wow. Who would have guessed?). I could go on, and on, about this fair maiden, but her dinner party line up alone is enough to make you want an investigation into whatever education institute she's attending. Seriously: Hilary Duff, Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Simpson, and the Toronto Blue Jay! It sounds like a Joe Francis wet dream. At least she doesn't try to fool us, by saying Nelson Mandela or any of that kind of BS.
3. I thought this was a great headline: "Whitehorse: the next Vegas?". But no it was serious. Here's the part I really liked: "Check the map: the true north strong and free is still there. Canada’s upper half attracts scores of Germans and Japanese each year, but somehow we border magnets manage to ignore it. You’ll no doubt be the first among your friends to jet off to Whitehorse for the weekend. Pretend it’s the latest in cool and start a trend. There are plenty of good reasons to go." If any one of my friends ever tries to tell me that they wisked away for a 'cool' weekend in the Yukon, I'm going to slap them in the face. Twice if they try celebrating Whitehorse as being the kind of place populated by the same hemp smelling creative douchebags that go to Saltspring.
2. It took 982 words before Sid Shniad got to his real point in his Afghanistan commentary "Afghan mission stirs debate". Now, he marshalled plenty of facts, and I'm even willing to even forgive the quote from Robert Scheer in the 12th paragraph - and, pretty sure Scheer isn't a "columnist" at the LA Times anymore, look it up. But then in the last paragraph he talks about "October 28, when the Canadian Labour Congress, the Council of Canadians, the Canadian Peace Alliance, the Canadian Muslim Congress, and Stopwar.ca, as well as other organizations, are organizing a national day of protest. In Vancouver, we will march from the Waterfront SkyTrain Station in front of Canada Place, beginning at 1 p.m., to a rally scheduled for the Vancouver Art Gallery beginning at 2 p.m." So basically it's 1112 word flyer for an event. Gotcha. 10-4.
The Province wins the Montreal coverage. They give the entire front page to a really good cover - with a surprisingly small Province masthead, and a headline of "Madness in Montreal". Quite frankly and I don't mean to dwell on this in light of the story itself, but they should have this design as the cover all the time. The only problem is that both The Province and The Sun rely on the CanWest News Service, so it's alot of the same coverage. On the back it's all about Dave Nonis keeping quiet after he was duped by the Flyers Bobby Clarke.
When something really important happens in news, The Sun is still the closest thing to a real paper in the city to get it. Today's coverage of the Montreal shootings begins with a big "Cold-Blooded killer" headline and a photo of the aftermath. The CP article about the shooter's blog is interesting. In Sports its Canucks talk. Still talking about Ryan Kessler and Booby Clarks gambit to get him, then add the fact that Jason King opted to sign and play in Sweden with a one-way deal but remaining Canuck property, and lastly Anson Carter signed with the Columbus Blue Jackets for one year and $2.5 million. Really the Canucks couldn't cough that up?
I have to hand it to 24 Hours, they almost presented a completely serious cover today about the Montreal shootings. Headline and cover story photo both devoted to Montreal in shock. Although I'm not sure the article about how 600 members of the Vancouver Police department was coincidentally in a refresher course called "active shooter program". In other news booze hounds, Wine is now outselling spirits $4.2 billion to $4.0 billion per year.
*But then there is this. Ellam Inba Mayam - Dance Fever. Pretty amazing video non? The guy is the greatest thing ever. This will leave you breathless. This will be the best 3 minutes, 30 seconds of your week. I promise.
*Diddy is just like you and me. He has scuffs on his walls and dirty carpets. But as MollyGood notes, he also has a 'crash pad' which I'm sure is just like a famed 'Jack Pad' we've heard about in rumors in Vancouver.
*Some complete sicko emailed us this, which i'm sure will please some of you. Viking Kittens.
The Province ledes with the killing in North Vancouver, "The family of a murdered bottle picker, a man with the mind of a 10-year-old, remembered him yesterday as a simple man leading a simple life." Then on the back, the puntastic "Craving Private Ryan" the story about how Philadephia Flyers GM Bob Clarke signed Canuck Ryan Kessler (Get the headline! Punny, right!) to a $1.9 million offer sheet. Dave Nonis, "D;oh!"
24 Hours goes with the slasher story as it's main headline, but it's still in an on the water mood, with "One -of-a-kind tugboat" about the 130-foot, 101-year-old tugboat Sea Lion. But most disturbing is the page 4 story, "Kicking back, doggy style" about the Rex Hotel and Spa for dogs set to open in November. Hey it's 60 bucks a night, but get this, "The Rex Hotel + Spa will aspire to keep their "clients" schedules and diets as close to what they would experience at home, complete with glass-enclosed suites, an outdoor play area with water park and a mini-bar stuffed with tasty treats." A freakn' minibar?
Metro Vancouver ledes with a scandal at St. Paul's Hospital. It would seem there is a sneaky way to jump the queue for some services there by paying a private clinic. Here's the part I don't get. The people who paid, jumped the queue then went and told everyone about it shutting down the fun for everyone.
Joy Metcalfe brings joy to everyone's life. In her latest dispatch of "scoop, scoop, scoop" she talks, well, probably gushes more likely, she is all about the David Foster charity explosion this past weekend. And here's the nut graf: "Vicki [Gabereau] remarked that while he plays the piano and composes exceptionally well, he doesn't really sing that much and what he needed was a singer who could make his songs soar. And with that, out walked Olivia Newton-John! David was so shocked that the audience thought he was going to cry! And that was only the beginning for the successful home-town boy from Victoria."
Really was he that shocked? Shocked that this was the biggest has-been they could drag up to Richmond? I'm sure after hearing Babyface, Clay Aiken, and the comedy stylings of George Lopez this was just the icing on the cake. Joy also reports that Renee Zellweger was at Blue Water Cafe and Jessica Alba is back in town eating osters and slamming Grey Goose martinis at Joe Fortes.
Lainey reporting from Toronto is still dishing the dirt on Renee Zellweger in Vancouver. Apparently the Oscar winning actress is driving herself around town like a lunatic: "Renee took a wrong turn, ended up on the Burrard Street Bridge, heading away from downtown, away from Sunset Beach, and realised she was going in the wrong direction. But instead of getting to the other side and crossing back over, the crazy bitch pulls a U-turn half way across in the 6 lane bridge…IN THE MIDDLE OF RUSH HOUR!"
In 24 Hours Darren Parkman reports that Bill Cosby was "clad in casual sweat gear" at Feenies and asking youngsters to say Jello Pudding instead of cheese for photos. That is the saddest thing we've ever heard. "Rob, I'm telling you this for your own good," said Barry in High Fidelity. "That's the worst fuckin' sweater I've ever seen, that's a Cosby sweater.[Imitating Cosby] A Cosssssssby sweater. Did Laura let you leave the house like that?" Thankfully DK also tells us that Buffy, er,Sarah Michelle Gellar is heading back to town to shoot Addicted. Here's the plot: "A woman's life is thrown into chaos after a freak car accident sends her husband and brother-in-law into comas. Thrills arrive after the brother-in-law wakes up, thinking he's his brother." Production starts October 17th.
Over in Metro Vancouver, Robert Falconer speculates on whether or not James Cameron will shoot his next film, Avatar, here in town. Then he tells us about Mark Walberg's Shooter which just had their wrap party at Library Square Common Room. Then it is Gotham Steakhouse for the film's director Antoine Fuqua, Jessica Alba, and Benecio Del Toro. Anne Heche was dining somewhere in town too, but nobody gives a crap about that crazy loon.
Update: We also note that Lynne McNamara is in The Sun today. She talks about Renee Zellweger actually filming the movie Case 39. Bor-ING. But wait, holy crap, Corbin Bernsen was eating at Brix on Saturday - stop the presses he was eating Salmon. My God!!! She matches Falconer's Gotham news and raises you a Chris Evans and a Beau Bridges. Sweet. Then she shills for Anne Heche's new soon to be cancelled but shot here comedy Men In Trees. "Great to see that Men in Trees, the new ABC series shooting here now is getting terrific reviews." Wow somebody's drinking the publicity Kool-Aid. Oh Yeah!
* Richmond Counsel thinks that our Airport should include their name, after all it is in Richmond. And just like the dump, Richmond is also a destination, not just for pirated DVD's, cheap faulty computer parts, getting lost, or risky food choices from the night market. People come for the acres of old growth trees and wildlife, and by trees and wildlife I mean ditches and concrete.
* ICBC wants to sue you if you steal a car. One particular addition to this project I would like to see is allow the accused, or convicted, to choose severe beating over restitution. That way if it was a crappy car like a Hyundai Pony, these scum can still pay their debt, in blood.
* More Gay News from the Gay couple wanting to fill your kids head with gaynousness. I am all aboard the Gay Train to Fort Tolerance don't get me wrong, but I think there are groups that have a much tougher time than those lovable gays. When this goes through, how long before Canadian Muslims, Canadian Asians and more cultures want their own course covering the subject of tolerance. Lump it all together.
* BioDeisel...yummy. This stuff is so hot and exciting and if in five years if this isn't being served in school cafeterias, then we have no conscience when it comes to the environment. Cars and trucks like it too apparently, but I love it.
I recieved an email over the weekend and it was almost worse than getting a press release but certainly worth sharing. Actually a press release would have been better, since it may have had a point of some sort, and yet we still feel dirty and in need of a shower. Now, normally, I would have just copy and pasted it, but the emailer in question actually had the balls to add a disclaimer suggesting the email was subject to copyright and you know how much I hate lawyers. Whatever. We totally feel like Jack Black in High Fidelity right now. "Well, it's sentimental tacky crap. Do we look like the kind of store that sells I Just Called to Say I Love You? Go to the mall."
Anyway, the email was from someone at Food Vancouver - which I link to, even though they didn't bother hyper-linking their own company URL and I had to take the time and copy and paste it into my browswer. God I hate that. But wait there's more. Their amazing email spoke of their magical 53,000 visitors a month and a promising "interesting" food site. Wow, that means i am one of 53,000 visitors now subjected to both one of the least visually appealing and completely not-interesting restuarant guides in the city (yeah, this one really does take the cake). Even Google cleverly ranks them one and two for Vancouver restaurants for your convienence. As Stephen Colbert would say, look it up. I'm sure if you look in about a week it will show up if you google "Vancouver Restaurants Ugly Websites". But I'm just being grumpy and mean now.
Obviously so many people are going to their site, they needed to tell The Vancouverite all about it. The inclusion of a article about the company from The Vancouver Sun - as if that was supposed to impress me - was from May 2006. How cute. Clearly this was more important than, say, their own URL, since this was the only clickable link. Who needs to write a proper email, when you can link to an article about yourself in The Sun. Wow. Thanks.
And the worst part about this is that the website really likes to tell you all about restaurants which can and will cater to your every special dietary need, like how awesome Earl's is. Great. So good for you, congratulations Food Vancouver, we just wrote about your food site. I hope you are happy now.
I'm sure that our complaining about your souless flackery wasn't what you had in mind. And no, we didn't have any quesions about your novel "concept". It is surely heating up the interwebs.
Another week, and more absolute banal stupidity on Craigslist, and yet, like reality TV we just can't stop watching the trainwreck. Damn you.
*sex at wreck beach - "On Sunday afternoon as we walked down one of the beach trails (the gay area) we came upon a couple laying right next to the trail having sex. He was on top of her and really going at it. I was fairly shocked (amazed?) to see this. I cant say I really objected, in fact we actually stopped and watched briefly, but I was surprized to see this. "
Ah, Wreck Beach. You stay classy.
*Jumpin Jeepers Vancouver?!! What's the trouble?! - "I am 32, a professional who was offered a job in this city. I had never been but I heard it was top notch-natural beauty, open minded lifestyle towards pot/gays/yoga ect, healthy blablabla. I needed a change...."
Alas, the 32 year-old yoga loving gay pothead was labelled as a worthless renter. What a shame.
*to the ass from the wack - "I am so glad summer is over because every vancouverite thinks camping at cultus is "cool"...not. Every Friday-Monday in the summer I would spend it in the city so I don't need to deal with trailer trash from Surrey and Hipsters from vancouver on "vacation" an hour away from their fucking houses."
Uh oh, since when do hipsters go camping? Totally busted faux hipsters.
*#8 Fraser Bus - "I nominate "my" local bus, the #8 Fraser, as having the city's stinkiest/scariest/rudest ridership. It smells like B.O., fresh shit, and many unidentifiables. There are many starers and gropers in the back. Lots of riders have insects riding on them. It's not pretty, but it's mine. The whole world is coming to Vancouver, and they're all getting on the #8 Fraser! "
Good to know. Don't ride the #8. Yet another reason not to take the buses.
*Arseholes selling overpriced Ikea shit on Craigslist - "This is website for unloading your shit. Don't think that you can buy the Klippan sofa (translation in Swedish: uncomfortable piece of shit) for $400, fart on it, spill beer on it, have your cats claw the shit out of it, and two years later make me come pick it up and pay $300. Get real."
Yeah. I'm pretty much of the opinion that Ikea stuff should never be resold. It's kind of like dixie cups and paper plates. Isn't Ikea stuff throw away only?
*Intelligent, Honest, Caring - Must like Rolling Stones - 54 - A funloving "54 year old female caucasian/European mixture living in North Burnaby" has tickets for the Rolling Stones, "lower level, Section 7 row JJ" and wanting some crazy person to send her they're resume, headshot, fullbody shot, for "friendship and if things work out really well - eventually developing into a relationship."
OMG, this is both pathetic and cute. Old people are so cool when they learn about things like the interwebs.
*Rant: Brian Jonestown Mass. @ Richards on Richards - "Fix your bathroom, I'm sure that my hands are cleaner when I walk in.
Finally, you sick turds, you won't even serve someone a glass of water??? WTF, the bartender told me he wasn't allowed to do it, but could give me a glass and I could get it out of the washroom."
Yeah, ordering tap water at a bar is pretty lame, and what the hell where you doing at Richards on Richards running around, drinking water and inspecting the bathrooms. Get a grip.
*re re Anson Carter - My friend is sure going to miss him. They hooked up last year. As she put it, "his hockey stick isn't the only big piece of wood that he knows how to handle!"
Sweetie, just so we're clear, your friend is a dirty little tramp.
*Rave British guy's are the best. - "I just got back from England after a great 6 month stay, what a difference with brit guys, they are polite, friendly and great fun. Since being back in Van, I notice the guys here are boring, uptight and mostly bisexual, they need a srink here not a girlfriend"
You should have seen how much fun we had while you were gone, gaying it up and seeing our shrinks you frigid tart.
24 Hours cover pages are genuis. Huge headline: "Serial slasher loose". Huge photo story: "Now that's mobility" - the story of sailboats and the 2006 Mobility Cup. So while you're humming a Yacht Rockish classic like Styx's "Come Sail Away". Why put the happy sailboats below the serial slasher story. Why?
The Province offers up the cover to car thieves: "It's payback time for car thieves". I'm all in favor of slapping the hell out of car theiving douchebags, but you'd think the province could find a person who had an actual valuable car stolen, not the 23-year-old kid who's "restored 1979 Oldsmobile Cutlass, willed to him by his late granny". Oh, please. They put the slasher story on a4. Meanwhile ageless 36-year-old and 7 goal-scorer Trevor Linden is going to help teach us to laugh again, apparently.
Some of this stuff just seemed a tad bit frivolous yesterday. But today, it's totally fine, right? In fact if I don't post these stupid links the terrorists win. So there:
*And since I mentioned weather, I would be remiss in not provoking more cat blogging. So if you have to blog about your stupid cat, I want to know that he is a fierce killer. Like What Jeff Killed. Now, Jeff, you need to kill a lot more for me to even think about not hating you. You sick bastard murdering cat. I was also reminded of this priceless Jonah Goldberg cat hating column from awhile back. Meow.
*I'm not sure this show will last, but Twenty Good Years with John Lithgow and Jeffrey Tambor about, basically men getting old sounds pretty interesting. [NY Times]
*I can guarantee you, that if the PNE had this much foods on sticks I might go. I give you 5 1/2 of Minnesota State Fair On A Stick. Bonus tuba theme. Best. Video. This morning. (You thought I was going to say, EVER didn't you) [Via Boing Boing]
*Oh my. Things are going badly, America is resorting to drinking so-called Ghetto Lattes, " an Americano, half ice, no water. Then you go over to the condiment counter and fill it with milk or half and half or skim or whatever, and you're off with a fancy chick drink in the spare change price range" [Seattlest]
*Borat arrives at the Toronto Film Festival. A sad reminder that nothing this cool will happen at this year's Vancouver Film Festival. It's like they're rubbing that fact in our faces. Seriously, what is that horse thinking right then?
*You can never get enough Screech. But this new Spike TV interview show Now That's Entertainment ...with Reginald Westinghouse is wierdly compelling. TV Squad describes it, "Reginald is an agoraphobic, germaphobic, schizophrenic who hosts a talk show out of his home. Somehow he lures celebrities in to be interviewed, and the craziness begins."
*This article in the NY Times by Michael Ruhlman on Gordon Ramsay is amazing. Not only is the kick ass chef taking on Manhattan, but the fact that he wants to try Paris next - " staff the restaurant all with English and call it Roast Beef!" is awesome.
*"There should also be a little nook in Hell reserved for the son of a bitch who invented those little stickers that get put on fruit and vegetables. I cannot begin to describe the feeling of loathing bordering on hatred I feel towards those tiny stickers." [Daily Pundit]
*Wow, the Box Office last weekend was pretty sad. Defamer sums it up calling the 2-5th movies, "the movies that America didn't really want to see, but for lack of a better option, went to anyway."
*This is really going to piss off the Wal-Mart haters out there. But Wal-Mart is starting to go green, big time as they say. Read the whole thing big box haters.
*Did you miss the NDP Convention this weekend? Well, the NDP had a girl from Vancouver blog covering the historic convention named Tiffany. LonelyGirl15 this is not. Think about what would happen if Paris Hilton's 3rd cousin attended a political event. [Tiffany's Blog]
*Nice to see Renee Zellweger lasted about a week in Vancouver being nice before completely snapping and yelling at pretty much anyone who looked at her. And she shops at Safeway? Yikes. [Lainey Entertainment Update]
*Gushing over Joshua Jackson and having a ridiculous "Asian Perez sandwich with Tanya Kim" is Lainey at the Toronto Film Festival. She quivers for Pacey, and damn that Perez Hilton has the best life ever. [Lainey Entertainment Update]
*Stumbling into a really sweet moonbat fest at the Vancouver Art Gallery and meets a responce of mentions of Vulcans, unicorns, and My Little Ponies. [Metroblogging Vancouver]
*Finally the guide to our NHL Guide To Intoxication & Inebriation [Orland Kurtenblog]
Yep, people are still talking about Salt in Blood Alley. Here's another review and photo sent in:
“Salt eff’n rules. I even took a photo of my gigantic beer. It was served in a wine glass. We were jammed in there, but it does have a super cool vibe, if you can forget about the rats running around in the alley of course. Oh, and the quasi-creepy walk down blood alley! Anyway, there are three choices: cheese plate, meat plate, cheese and meat plate. We let them pick them for us and got a cheese plate and a meat plate. We had ox tongue, a fennel salami and pork tenderloin on the meat plate and I can't remember the cheeses but they all were absolutely killer.
Okay, it’s $15 a plate. But come on, it comes with a huge breadbasket and each meat/cheese combo comes with a condiment to match - peach/pear/apple slices, Guinness mustard, pine nuts, etc. Effing perfect! Great Service."
Don't even begin to tell me how completely amazing this photo of Premier Gordon Campbell and the legendary Bill Cosby together hanging out at the David Foster and Friends Gala at Richmond's River Rock is. All I can think of right now is is the two of them dancing to the Cosby Show theme song. So hot. Sitcom gold.
All three of the papers we normally cover try to talk about the fifth anniversary of 9/11 this morning. 24 Hours gives it the local "On 9-11 i was..." headline treatment. But did we really care what Bill Good or Senator Larry "Injections" Campbell we're doing that morning? Of course, they opted for the real front page story to be "One for the scrapbook" a picture of Canucks prospect Luc Bourdon posing with some young fans. Both Luc and the girl in the photo look completely freaked out. The whole thing kind of confirms the absolute lack of seriousness that this rag has. There I said it.
Meanwhile The Province does a pretty typical Monday morning paper - trying to cram the stories of 9/11, the Dalai Lama, The Seahawks, and of course going with a protestor arrest - a grandmother - at the province's first new metal mine. I think this opening sentence from Ed Willes column this morning sums up the paper clearly in a death struggle with 24 Hours for stupidity: "Quite frankly we're disappointed no one has asked the Dalai Lama what he thinks about the Canucks' chances this season."
Metro Vancouver, actually has probably the best cover story about the effects of 9/11 on a Vancouver family who lost a daughter in the World Trade Center. And Dock Currie does another blog profile, this time of Miss 604.
Idiot 1. Lady if you let your teen daughter dress like a ho, people are going to treat her like a ho. But then again, if she is going to look even remotely like you do in the future, just like death if death was pushing 400 pounds, you may as well let her show some skin now. Just don't get your enormous panties in a bunch because some...uh...guy was staring at her...uh...stuff...You ma'am are an overbearing idiot.
Idiot 2. Mr. Bus Driver. I appreciate you letting Mr.Homeless Man on the bus because I know some of these people can't walk all the way from Burrard to Seymour. What I don't understand is why you let him on with 4 half full containers of pop from various fast food joints ticked under his arm, AND a handful of cigarette buts. What bothered me the most is that he was evidently happier than I am and he knew that, smug homeless bastard.
Idiot 3. You were smoking on the sky train platform because apparently you couldn't read the sign that said red circle surrounding cigarette with red cross through it. I could care less that you smoke but I am not sure the very pretty and obviously pregnant lady in the nurse scrubs appreciated that you lit up beside her. I hope that when you do get lung cancer it spreads to your ass first and the cancer's first order of business is too grow itself over your asshole causing you to have to pass fecal matter through your pee hole. Then I would give you some Peg 3350, idiot.
Idiot 4. Dude, welcome to Vancouver dude. Do you have all your other hippy friends in that mammoth backpack? It was big enough to fit an average family in there. You smelled like a petting zoo too so I know it wasn't full of clothes or soap, so why did you need to haul it on the sky train at 8:30am? Did you have to be at work at 9am like the rest of us? Work? BWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Idiot 5. If you don't have children and you feel this dying need to comment on someones parenting skills, then you my friend, are an idiot. Only if you have kids of your own can you tell a complete stranger that they are miserable at raising their young. I tell people every chance I get that they are half the parent I am. Not because they did something wrong but because it honestly makes me feel better about the job I am doing.
*Bud Tv. Or Bud.tv is coming. They're spending $30 million on programming. Tastes great? Less filling? Both? You be the judge. [Experience Curve]
*My Goodness have you seen these new McDonald's commercials directed by Kip Dynamite, er, Aaron Ruell? No. My favorites; Filet-O-Fish and Lost Seeds. [Ad Freak]
*I think this new Gap ad would probably make Audrey Hepburn vomit all over Tiffany's and George Peppard. Ridiculous. And honestly AC/DC, why? Selling skinny black pants? Jesus. [YouTube]
*This Dean Martin golf ball ad is amazing. The Hawaii Five-O theme, his corny and drunk antics. It's like magic. [Ad Jab]
*Have you heard about the next batch of sequels? MGM is planning a Reese-less Legall Blonde 3, Cutting Eddge 3 (wait, there was a 2nd), WarGames 2 (actually interesting), and Species 4. [Cinematical]
*Thank god for the today show (and Gawker) otherwise I wouldn't know that "looking good is 99% confidence, 1% lipgloss". Who knew? [Gawker]
*Over at the OK, Mike suggests that The Province has absolutely no talent, content, or good writers before calling Tony Gallager Skeletor and then giving a good verbal rodgering to Ed "Retread" Willes. [Orland Kurtenblog]
*Susan Natalie does a nice bit of a slap down on some blogger who's throwing a blogger party. In Coquitlam no less. They have the internets out there? Wild. Bonus points for using the word "tacky" multiple times. Bravo. [Susan Natalie]
*The girls at Sweetspot are shameless: "What designer extraordinaire/esthetician Jane Brooks does for our Brazilian is what Tom Ford did for Gucci. So we're dropping in, lining up and baring all for this season's must-have accessory: The bikini wax with style." [Sweetspot]
*Darren Barefoot is a little to kind to the creepy side-by-side diner set. PS: And you do see it in Paris a bit, because all the seats in lots of places tend to face out to the street so you can watch the other beautiful people. Which is what you should do in Paris. Inside diners, not so much. [Darren Barefoot]
*Lainey says, "I have wonky eye. Didn't I tell you it was the new black???" which is damned sweet and that ends her "make me jealous 'cause she's hanging out with Borat post." [Lainey Entertainment Update]
We never gave my son dairy because it always bunged him up down there something fierce. We assumed he had an allergy so we gave him soy ( which explains his raging emotions ). His doctor said that is utter poppycock and insisted we put dairy into his diet poste haste and just increase his fiber intake with ruff-age.
For about 3 weeks we had been giving him homo milk ( look Douglas and J, I said Homo ) and cheese, all infused with ice cream, whipped topping and some more cheese. Within a couple days you would swear there was a traffic accident in his little rectum and the poop was actually cars that had all stopped to see what happened, because nothing was moving, even after 10 days.
I went to London Drugs and asked for something strong to help him get this blockage out. The lady suggested some glycerin suppositories. Then when she explained how that works and where it goes I almost vomited all over the counter. Then she came back with this stuff called Peg 3350 from what I think was the restricted section of the pharmacy. I figured the 3350 meant they had tried 3,349 times previously to get it right, and now they did or it was made in the year 3350 and then transported back through time. Whatever it meant It must be wicked awesome.
There was no dosage suggested, no warning labels, so I used Google to find an answer. I figured since we didn't know what to expect I would take some just to test it out. Hilarity and near death followed swiftly:
Live from the worst recording studio bathroom in the entire world, another mindless and pointless podcast. The highest quality podcast in the known bathroom podcast universe for your listening enjoyment. Light some scented candles, pour a little bit of the bubbly, and get ready for the most useless 30 minutes in podcasting.
In today's episode we ramble on and on about Knight Rider, Clint Eastwood singing, French Pirates and newstands, The Philadelphia Story, High Society, and Little Miss Sunshine. You stay classy, Vancouver.
The Sun kind of gets it's smut on this morning with the "Former teacher faces sex charges" Of course the teacher in question is using the old, "the issue at trial will be whether Ellison's conduct was considered a criminal act under the law as it was at the time" defense. Classic. And finally someone was arrested in that fatal Porsche Cayenne SUV hit and run that killed two in downtown. You remember, this was rumoured to be Dan Cloutier. Still not saying who they arrested. And they use the top of the paper for more hot Dalai Lama action. He shares his secret to happiness. I'd be happy too if I was the Lama.
The Province's cover is secret newspaper code for "slow news day". "Mom wants police to say sorry" the story about the 13-year old who was pulled out of his family car by some non-uniform police officers. He scraped his knee. Wow, two off duty cops actually tried to help, they were wrong, boo hoo lady. Boo Hoo. Summer may be over, sort of, but the debate heats up over more beach and park restaurants ("Vancouver to expand beach bistros"). If they are all welcomed with the tragedy that is Watermark, well, maybe not such a good idea.
24 Hours is almost totally useless today. I think they're still on about the taser case. Honestly. But I think I fell in like with B.C. Lion's safety Baron Miles. Not only has he smugly named one of his kids Baron II, he ends the profile on him like this: "I'm working on my media room. I want the whole media setup," he laughed. "If you know anybody that has a good deal to install it, I'm looking for people." So awesome!
I absolutely love the fact that The Georgia Straight has both a martini and a woman smoking a smug long cigarette on the cover. It's certainly a nice start. And I think they are trying to trip me up, my favorite love-to-hate feature, The City Single of the Week, hasn't been updated yet. I'm tempted to fly off the handle about the "At The Checkout" Featurette but frankly I could care less what Kelley bought at Safeway. Anyway, what else do we have to play with in this week's exciting episode.
5. Okay, here's the deal. Cambodia. Land mines. Get it. Hardhitting. Gotcha. So is it bad that i just want to know more about this magical place named Veal Thom? I bet it runs wild with delicious succulent baby cow meat.
4. As always, my favorite part of the entire paper. The Gothe. The fact that I'm referring to The Gothe in the 3rd person for him, and the fact that The Gothe starts his article about Shiraz off with this is impressive. Most impressive: "So are we good or what? Hey, we’re the best. And another canard tumbles; now there’s an entire generation that doesn’t even remember the Baby one." And smug. Very Smug. Le Sigh.
3. The question shouldn't be why hot dogs are the only street food in Vancouver. The question is where is my french style Parisian Bagueette dog, dogs? But I digress. But what a surprise to know that at some level, it's the man at City Hall bringing us down. Shock. I demand more street meats you bastards! And where the hell are our Taco shacks! You're killing my side-kick Luke. Do you hear me Sam Sullivan! Sulliiivvvvvvaaaaaaaaaaan!
2. I could say something obnoxious about the Fringe Fest and the coverage of it, but who am I kidding? Sure I likey the cigs and martini on the cover, but then l just don't really care all that much. Then I had to have this vision in my head: "nipple hair (“the lazy man’s dental floss”)" Wow that was unexpected. Besides, I feel bad for The Straight, they kind of have to cover crap like this. They tried to sex it up for us, which is nice though. I personally would have enjoyed more "ball" talk about Darren Barefoot's new ball-tastic play Bolloxed.
1. Personally this bit on Jessica Simpson was my favorite part of the whole paper: "I don’t think Jessica Simpson is even all that attractive, boys. And girls. Once you tear your eyes off her rack, she would actually look a lot like Woody Harrelson if you could get close enough to shave her. I hope that breaks the spell for some of you." Clearly writer Adrian Mack is drunk - you'd have to be to write that many words about JS, but we'll definetly have two of whatever he's having, please. Thanks.
*Now, okay, I'll admit I'm not exactly the biggest Gwyenth Paltrow fan in the world. But if she keeps talking about her vice being Pinot we could warm to the idea. [Golden Fiddle]
*Vancouver pervert Joshua Jackson is grossing out NYC with his PDA's. Can somebody explain how Diane Kruger turned French circa 1940 and surrendere to Pacey's charms. [Pop Sugar]
*Whatever Jake Gyllenhall. We shave our beard so that we don't look like a crazy hippy and you totally copy us. I wonder if he'll now start pretending he's straight. [Just Jared]
*Here's one for the peeps past the Port Mann. A wierd Dodge Ram site and bizarre theme. [Ramrash.com]
*And this smackdown of a San Diego investigative reporter is must see. I imagine, that someday, some pent up 'Anti-The Vancouverite' fan will try this on me, or Luke. Hi-LA-rious! [Gawker]
*Our Sneaker Overlord Al Cabino sends this, "It was only a matter of time before this came about. Play as the late/great Steve Irwin's wife as she gets revenge on the all sting rays." [Destructoid]
*Apparently Mike Judge (Office Space) has a new film called Idiocacy. Apparently it is hilarious. The genuises at Fox have decided it isn't worth marketing. Thanks, jerks. [Fishbowl LA]
*I just wanted to stress just how much cats are responible for everything wrong in the world from the terrorists to Paris Hilton. Here's proof.
*I love the trailer for the next Jackass movie. It's so perfect. Bonus points for best voiceover guy, ever. [Google Video]
The Sun is so cute today. Trying so hard to be all "newsy". There is Big Headline: "Dalai Lama Visit Angers China" (which I guess answers my question of yesterday about the Lama selling papers, clearly the Sun thinks so). There is the Main story with photo: "Bush Admits CIA has secret prisons" with the subheader "Terror suspects face war crimes trials". But then there is a cartoon rat, mouse whatever, and some cartoon cheese. I don't get this not can I see the story online. Whatever, it's ridiculous. Inside you can read the details on the Willie Pickton movie. Yes, Movie.
The Province offers a breathless account about "A Middle Eastern company spurned by the United States is about to launch a Lower Mainland shopping spree worth hundreds of millions of dollars after investing $200 million in Vancouver's port." And on the back, "The Shot is Back" with this overhyped and laughale intro: "t took months of rehab. It took agonizing setbacks. It took a discouraging battle with self-doubt.
But now Sami Salo is convinced. The shot is back." Bwhahahahaahahah. You've got to be kidding me.
24 Hours teases us with day two of it's Taser coverage. "Taser tale a surprise" is about as exciting as it sounds. But the main cover story - you know, the one with the pictures that everyone actually reads is, about cleaning up Surrey's Nicomeki River. The headline: "Making the river extra clean". Wow. Breaking News! Meanwhile the story about the Fringe Festival - sorry "Got Fringe" is the tagline? Come on you're supposed to be kind of edgy non?
Last week we had the pleasure of a knocking around a little Q & A session with the man formerly known as Waiterblog, Andrew Morrison. Morrison has parlayed his blogging into a real life career as a powerful food critic in Vancouver, writing for The Westender, Vancouver Magazine and EAT Magazine.
Now he’s hung up his apron, handed in his wine crank, sold his Waiterblog website, and is starting fresh at a new site called Urban Diner. About to launch, His new site, promises even more hot Vancouver dining action – including a resident ‘hottie’ writing about Food Porn among other awesomeness. Now for readers that follow his dining adventures, we talk to this foodie insider about his new site launching soon, his last table as a waiter, his best meal of the year – and his worst, his ultimate fantasy day of gastronomic pleasure and much more.
The Vancouverite: Okay, so how did Andrew Morrison become the waiterblog? And why are you giving all that up to become the Urban Diner? (Or are you just Andrew Morrison now?).
Andrew Morrison: I started Waiterblog on the skeleton of a lefty political blog called Times New Roman Online. This was shortly after Bush won re-election in 2004. I couldn't bear to continue writing about an administration I loathed with every pore in my body, so I shifted my focus to something that was more tolerably familiar: the restaurant scene.
I'm giving it up because there was only so much I could do myself. I had a lot of restaurants asking about advertising on the site. For restaurants, it was a good place to lay down a few marketing dollars, but I was too wary of a perceived conflict of interest, what with my work as a restaurant critic an all. I needed six degrees of separation. I talked with Paul Kamon, the former editor of WhyCook.ca, and hammered out a deal where I could concentrate on editorial and he could run the business side of things. With Urban Diner, there will be a clear division between Church (editorial) and State (advertising). If anyone asks me about advertising now I can say, "talk to Paul".
*Just thought of wearing clothes made of "soy, bamboo, and hemp" makes me sick. Kimmy over at Kitsilano.ca talks Lululemon, Soy, and just how freaky Chip Wilson really is. On the other hand, can we argue with things called "barely a tube bra". No. No we can't. Shame. [Kitsilano.ca]
*Remember a few weeks back there was a Robot Skytrain Party. Well the photos are up, and god help us all. William Shatner really is the only one to turn to in this situation: "I mean, how old are you people? What have you done with yourselves? You, you must be almost 30... have you ever kissed a girl? I didn't think so! There's a whole world out there! When I was your age, I didn't watch television! I LIVED! So... move out of your parent's basements!"
*Joy Metcalfe invents a new pathetic sickness. Zack Spencer fatigue Syndrome. Spencer it seems is exhausted from doing morning weather. Rough. [CKNW]
*The Martini Boys' Bruce James delivers you the goods on crashing parties at the upcoming Vancouver Film Festival [Martini Boys]
*Did you know that at the Fairmont they have dogs on staff for you when you get lonely? Niether did I, and the A-list suck uppery is in full force in this article. Listen to this smuggery: "Want to wash your hair in Evian? Staff will leave a case in the bathroom. Want to store your wedding dress at an airport Fairmont while you're sunning yourself on the beach? Can-do. Need a dog walker? No problem. Fairmonts in Boston and Vancouver have even added in-house dogs to the mix, so if you're missing your Rover, you can borrow one for an afternoon." The Fairmont is pracktically begging you to act like a diva. [Globe and Mail]
*The Spielberg of wine was in Vancouver? You remember, that smug bastard Michel Rolland who hammed it up in Mondovino right. This kind of sums up why drinking Mission Hill is both smug and shamefully trashy all at the same time. [North Shore News]
Thank the bleeding maker of all that is good and holy. Suri Cruise actually exists. Katie Couric scooped the entire planet with a preview of todays (well, at least in New York and LA) new Vanity Fair featuring a 22-page disgusting profile of the Cruises. But now we can move on, non?
*Copyranter has a bone to pick with a new Starbucks concept for being more, well, boho: "Nomadic. Interactive. Coffeehouse. That's rich, SBUX. A company with $6.3 billion in revenue in '05, a company that has ruthlessly put hundreds of independent "coffeehouses" out of business, trying to get all Beat Generation counterculture cool on us. Yeah man, I'll be there on the 17th, acid-tripping and finger-snapping to the rebellious, spontaneous words of Lethem, the struggling Brooklyn inkslinger."
*My totally awesome favorite headline from yesterday. "Paris learns about the genocide in Darfur." [MollyGood]
*My totally awesome favorite headline from the past two hours: "Stormtroopers blast through gender barrier" That didn't spark your curiosity? If I said photos of babes in stormtrooper outfits, would that help? [SFGate Culture Blog]
*Not geeky enough? How about the comparisons of the 2004 Star Wars with the 1977 version - side by side in prep for the DVD re-release. [Star Wars]
*Last week I was on an A-Team kick. Here's the latest on the potential movie. [Cinematical]
*Ahhhhh....Al Cabino sends us the linkage to the Puma fall '06 catalogue. Yummy. PS: When is the Puma store open? Or is it? 900 block Granville. Yum. [Puma]
*One more Steve Irwin link. Andrew Sullivan notes that there is a South Park curse. Here's the proof. [Andrew Sullivan]
*OMG. Have you seen the preview for Grey's Anatomy? This is worse than must-see thursday promos. My god, "My eyes, the goggles, they do nut-ing"[YouTube]
*Okay, I haven't posted anything on this lonelygirl15 phenomenon yet. Virginia Heffernan is still trying to unravel this mystery of J.J. Abrams proportions. [Screens]
The Province headline this morning: "Is your dog on Pot?" Good lord! There is an epidemic of dogs on drugs in the city! They're on coke! They are overdosing on ecstasy! Thankfully, "Most dogs can 'sleep off' a small amount of pot. But dogs that get well into a stash may require fluids and warming, and will have to eat activated charcoal to offset the high." Phew! God I love you Province.
24 Hours, obviously cracked under the pressure from The Province's outlandish cover today. They had me at "Taser not fatal: Doc" but then they chicken out with some story about carving a raven. Wake me up when cats are strung out and pulling tricks in the Downtown Eastside thank you.
*Credit Card Scams are sweeping the city. If someone from a Card Company playing the role of Security and Fraud investigator calls, you tell them to go die. When the VPD was asked what they plan to do about it, they replied "As soon as we get this idling problem taken care of, we will be all over it"
*Bus Driver attacks are increasing and Drivers are pissed nothing is being done to stop it. When the VPD was asked what they plan to do about it, they replied "As soon as we get this idling problem taken care of, we will be all over it"
* Fat Toddlers are more likely to become fat teens. Skinny toddlers are more likely to do hardcore drugs to stay slender. When the VPD was asked what they plan to do about it, they replied "As soon as we get this idling problem taken care of, we will be all over it"
I feel safer already that these scumbags aren't idling in their cars for more than 3 minutes. The worst part about this is kids in High Schools are pressuring other kids into sitting in their cars and leaving the engine running for more than 3 minutes. Apparently this is a real problem with Inner City youths. "Hey man can you keep watch while my friends and I idle for slightly more than a few minutes" I overheard that on my way home. Scares me that my kid may be an idler one day too.
We have a new addition to already stellar Fall Initiatives. Strongly Worded Letters will feature real letters written to Vancouver Companies or Conglomerates with Stores in Vancouver. Apparently Jackson got the idea after writing a pretty hateful letter to Parliament asking where the hell all the French people are in France.
We figured that we are not alone in getting the shaft so hopefully you can use these letters and take select paragraphs from them that help you fight your cause. Maybe forming some kind of Supreme Ultra Worded Letter that will cause the reader's head to explode...wouldn't that be something. You can also comment on an issue that's grinding your gears and we will help you form a letter that is sure to get you some freebies or sued for threats of violence.
So to start off I have a letter to Home Depot. Whom was once my savior is now my cancer. Enjoy!
*Rant!Vancouver prepares to raise the bar on local rantings, offering up Rant!lIne and soon Rant!Casts. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. [Rant! Vancouver]
*It's back to school. I agree, what we need is more teachers with a "raging cocaine habit and manic depressive streak - both directly attributable to his liberal-leftist despair" and better still if they could look like Ryan Gosling too. [Beyond Robson]
*But seriously, who ever really went to that creepy place in Stanley Park called the Veranda Grill. I thought that was an old wives tale. [Metroblogging Vancouver]
*I like your style girls. Damn these girls who write this site are so smug. Daddy likes. [Sweet Spot]
*Lainey opens the fall season thusly: "Goodbye summer season, hello smutty season…from now until the Oscars, we're on full tilt y'all, so I hope you're well rested!" [Lainey Gossip]
*And finally over at The NY Times "The Pour" (their ever so smug wine blog), Eric Asimov goes to Joe Fortes. [The Pour]
Let's be honest, today is not really going to be about actually working now is it? Here's a post-labour day tribute to Steve Irwin helping of buzz and links:
We've been hearing a lot of really good things about Salt Tasting Room (Blood Alley, Gastown). Basically it seems to be knocking them out of the park. How could it not - meat, cheese, mustard, wine. Kind of a no brainer concept which is nice. Here's a little review that was sent in:
“Vancouver is so boring and passé except for Salt. I like it there. It's yummy and they have wine and they have meat and they have cheese. And then. They bring it to you! It's actually a neat concept. The servers HAVE a clue and such. On the other hand, there are rats in plain view ‘playing’ in the ally. I stole some mustard. It was that good. Dignity…For Mustard!”
Let me get this straight, a hamster is thrown out of a building and lives. Sweet!
*Lulumon head quarters on e7th and clark - "I live 2 doors down and am out side all the time walking my dog. There is a major jump in the hottness population in this area thanks to this!!"
And undoubtedly a major jump in the creepy factor too.
*Meatetarian - "To all you sanctimonious, plant eating guilt trippers: You sicken me. Eating the flesh of innocent plants, rending their organs and raping their habitats for your filthy need to consume other creatures. You are horrible people, you should feel terrible for supporting the factory farming of soy beans. "
Finally the truth. In your face vegetarians!
*I love/hate Gastown - "Yet, I love Gastown. How could I change my lunches at momo or bambo, my tea from la luna, the 1.50 fee from every single bank machine, the unisex bathroom at chill winston, the ever-creepy army and navy with their famous shoe-filled basement and the fish-figure fountain where the bums wash their hands"
Indeed, we've been hearing more and more of the unisex bathrooms at Chill Winston. Very interesting.
*Trashy North Van people - "This doesn't surprise me. North Vancouver is a vortex for worthless scum."
But still better looking than Surrey! Huzzah!
*Fresh Sockeye salmon - "For Sale fresh sockeye salmon (not frozen) 15.00 per salmon, cleaned and bagged for your convenience, call dave to place an order at 604 729 0199, no emails i will be out all day. "
Honey, call Dave and get some salmon, okay. That craigslist salmon is the best in the world. Love that Dave, too bad he's always out doing stuff.
*A Bunch of Stuff - "...I also have 5 throwing knives I don't mind parting with. Perfectly balanced. 2 Lava lamps, one red (wax and base) and the other has white wax with a purple base. Small Collectable pueter(sp?) dragon holding a crystal. Part of a collection. Very nice piece. And last (for now) collectable star trek plate. Great Condition. Limited Edition piece. "
Mmmm...guy selling throwing knives and lava lamps and creepy collectables. It's like a nerd garage sale. Get on it this hot stuff before its too late.
Welcome back from the long weekend Vancouverites. Lets kick off the fall with your steaming cup of morning paper talk.
The Sun ledes with the friendly fire death in Afghanistan this weekend. Which is a legitmate headline. Too bad they wasted front cover real estate to this inane back to school article. Apparently it is only thanks to a labour agreement that there is positive "optimism" in schools this year. First this is just creepy: "Expect a stranger to be lurking around B.C. public schools when students return to classes today." And 2nd, this is just stupid: "It's called optimism, and education leaders say it hasn't generally been present in elementary and secondary schools for the past five years due to power struggles between the teachers union and the Liberal government." Who realized that our little darlings were so stressed about the teachers power struggle with Gordo. The bastards!
24 Hours gets back to work by trying to scare the hell out of us with tales of all the chemicals in our bodies with their headline "Our toxic time bomb". Really funny on a post-long weekend, jerks. Best of all it's a 4-part series - so they had to run it in a short week. Meanwhile the genuis that is Tamara Taggart tells us it is, "Too sunny for school!" today. Try that with the principle kids.
And imagine my surpsise when The Province dials it in this morning. If 24 Hours can manage a blood curdling cover, why then does The Province underwealm with the "Blaze threatens Manning Park" story cover. I would imagine they are still smarting from last week, when Tofino didn't spontaneously combust due to no water. They want to be sure Manning Park burns before going crazy this week. And not too be missed, by the title alone, W.P. Kinsella's "In the good 'ol days we rode bare-headed and munched peanut butter sandwiches".
Steve Irwin - He was not an idiot but some of the things he did would say otherwise. I was upset to read he passed away from a Sting Ray, I would have assumed he would die from choking on a grape or bad clams. Just not death by Wildlife. He had command over the Wild for Christ's sake. Here's the bastard responsible, or is it this one...I'm so confused.
He was a pioneer in doing idiotic stunts and for that I salute him. I tried wrestling a turtle into the toilet once because it was his time to move on and that was killer. I can't imagine pulling the stunts he did.
He has two young children and a lovely wife. Hopefully she hangs up her idiot hat and never ventures out into the wilderness like she and her husband had done so gallantly in the past
See you later alligator...
Some good news though this weekend that could cheer us all up. I discovered that cold cereal is ten times better if eaten out of a frozen bowl. Go put your bowl in the freezer and then chow down on your Reese's Puffs cereal. It's like heaven.
Idiot 1. You were driving down Thurlow with two kids in the back seat and you were smoking that cigarette with the smug look of invincibility. You deserve the most horrible bout of ass cancer that only an angry god can create. SUCH AN IDIOT!...
Idiot 2. You're dog is not more important than me and my kids time at the park. Your dog deserves the worst case of diarrhea that only an angry god can create. I will cry for your dog but smile that you are cleaning it up...good luck with that Safeway bag, maybe you should bring a mop next time. Idiot...
Idiot 3. That's a sweet car and that burn out was really great Magnum. I know that car is leased and I know you live at home and I know that if neither are true your still a flaming douche. I also am putting your Licence plate on Johnwatch because you look slimy enough to have picked up a pro only recently. Go get an echo like me and do your part or Al Gore will rip out your heart and use it as an alternative fuel. You're a super duper idiot...
Idiot 4. The guy with the coat hanger dragging the dead cat off the road. You left a big streak of cat guts and while your intentions were evidently good, you're still an idiot. It doesn't harbour crazy germs otherwise there wouldn't be a gazillion of them, just in my parents house alone. I hope to god it was dead before you got to the scene. Partial idiot...
That's it. That's all I have noticed this last couple days. Big shout out to Doug for letting me use that Ass Cancer bit. I wish I could point and click and it would start growing out of their pants. That would be awesome. More to come.
Picture in your head a box of Bridge Mix or any large chocolate coated substance, roughly that size though. Now imagine tipping it over very slowly so they start to fall out a couple at a time. You would be staring at the opening watching them drop.
Now have you ever been to a petting zoo and seen a goat go number 2. It's the same thing. The petting zoo at Stanley Park is a great place to go see this marvel of nature. You would swear there was elves in there rolling it into little balls and pushing them out one by one and then you would ask where you can get some of those elves.
I'm sorry. SOOOO Sorry. But check out what it looks like here if a petting zoo is not on the weekend's agenda:
*A hilarious riff on why Canucks fans - particularly the 30-year-old male vintage version - are the way they are. [Orland Kurtenblog]
*Nice to see Jessica Alba has invented the "almost backless t-shirt" to show off her ridiculous backside. Obnoxious. Bitch. [Just Jared]
*I'd never seen this amazing "Lost A-Team" mashup. Love it. [You Tube]
*Nothing, And I mean nothing is worse than Hipster erotica [Hipsterotica]
*This and a case of Jack Daniels could occupy your entire long weekend. For realz. [JacksonPollack.org]
*If you still are just waking up, and don't know what happened at the VMA's watch this and read the recap [Best Week Ever]
*Love a good newsreel. And this one for a new movie is pretty sweet, mostly since we don't have to see the fact that Josh Hartnet is in this movie. [Black Dahlia Newsreel]
*Will Starbuck's new "Coffee Conversations" podcasts save the coffee giant or make us forget this: "Could have had anything to do with the fact that everyone just found out their stores are full of mouse poop and maggots?" [Jossip]
*Stop the presses. PSA: Diddy eats well balanced breakfast. [You Tube]
1. You know, when the Prime Minister is in town, and you get two unbelievable photos of him in as many days, you're damned right he's hot. Especially when you get Stephen Harper looking like he is leering at Olympian Hotties.
2. Puma Sneakers. Because Al Cabino the world's first sneakerographer says so, okay. Go get yourself a pair and call us later.
3. The A-Team. Season 5 is coming to DVD soon. I pity the fools.
4. Figmint. This new eatery is having Vancouverites picking the figs out of their teeth for hours and loving every bite. Can we believe the hype? Or will it's location prove chilly?
5. New features at The Vancouverite for the fall season: The Vancouverite Interview series and The Vancouver Idiot. Next up: Our official Vancouver Canucks Blogging Babe – Coming soon. Blah blah.
COLD
1. People proclaiming the death of Vancouver. So already over that this is leaving town.
2. City specific Mens websites. Toronto has one, but then again, that's Toronto and they probably deserve something this lame when they aren't in North America's Hottest Cities list. Isn't Maxim dying a slow death already?
3. Reproduction Art and the people who love it. What kind of person hangs a Da Vinci reproduction in their house and is proud of that? "...oh, that, that's a Da Vinci repro I picked up from Vancouver the other week. They're all the rage."
4. Paris Hilton’s CD. This thing is colder than the fortress of solitude. Paris Hilton's 15 minutes might finally be at 14:59. Thank god.
5. Using your own HOT and COLD list to mention our own new features. Totally Busted. Totally smug. We're sorry.
With the TV season set to kick off next week, and you little worker bees about ready to enjoy a long weekend, I thought I would take a minute to tell you about what The Vancouverite has cooking for the fall blogging season.
The Vancouver Idiot:
As you can already see, our Contributing Editor Luke now has his own column, "The Vancouverite Idiot". What you will see is regular ramblings from our very own resident bafoon savant and prank monkey. This should be loads of fun, and the only question I ask, should I hire the lawyer now or wait unitl the lawsuits pile in?
More Podcasts:
Even though we have the most terrible audio podcasts in the world, that won't stop of from doing more of them. Our first season of podcasts (now at four) will end in September with 10 or so episodes. Then in time for our one year anniversary on Halloween, we'll start season two but this time hopefully, we'll have our loveable Vancouver Idiot along for the bumpy toilet sounding ride.
More Interviews:
Our latest feature, "The Vancouverite Interview" will happen weekly - our first was with sneakerographer Al Cabino - and we have plenty of them in the works. Next week's is off the hook, as the kids are saying. Stay tuned!
The Vancouverite's Official Canucks Blogger:
Starting in a few weeks another new feature, we'll have a new writer joining the fold to talk about the smut, the glory, the smelly stench of the sweaty pads, every agonizing groin pull and all the filth that is our Vancouver Canucks. Stay tuned for more details on our regular commentator about the Canucks you won't find anywhere else. Just wait until blogging "sweeps week" when we blog about these bums all week completely drunk or something smutty like that! Some might call it "stunt blogging". We say, bring it on. Nonis, your going to go to sleep cursing our names!
The Vancouverite Version 2.0:
And finally in late October-ish, we're going to fire up a new fresh coat of paint on The Vancouverite website. Not really sure what that means, but it sounds technical and stuff. I guess those crazy Panamian designers will be working overtime now!
Live from the worst recording studio bathroom in the entire world, another mindless and pointless podcast. The highest quality podcast in the known bathroom podcast universe for your listening enjoyment.
In today's episode we ramble on about The A-Team, School House Rock, simple French food, Parisian Hot Dogs, The Pixies, Palme D'Or winner "The Wind That Shakes the Barley" and more A-Team. Enjoy!
I think the police force needs more loose cannons. More cops capable of pulling the trigger on these dastardly villains. Take the case of Danny Perrault, you would think the time he was arrested for murder of a 72 year old man, a cop would have just shot him in the eye or gut and said, "whoops, thought my safety was on..." Then the chief would say, "You need to take a break Mcglarsky, it's Tuesday right, lets go to Casa de Amigos." After some tacos and a serious round of high fiving the case would be closed.
It's cheaper to suspend a cop with pay while he "gets over" shooting a murdering scumbag than it has already cost us to process said scumbag. And I guess he wouldn't have been able rape a 28 year old at knife point if he was rotting in a casket somewhere.
Metro News has had the two best local newspaper covers this week. Yesterday was Prime Minister Harper looking at a Bronze Medalist. Today he is with Stockwell Day - our Minister of Public Safety - shaking hands with border guards. How excited does Stockwell Day look? He looks like he's out cruising chicks with the Prime Minister in Surrey. And we all know how much action Stevsie is getting these days.
Holy cow, and why in all that is heavenly is Day wearing that ridiculous pin stripe suit in August for goodness sakes. Minister of Pin Stripes hello! Can we not just get our leaders to wear classy dark blue suits like normal conservatives? PS: Stevesie, you should throw that awful tie away. Now
But seriously, why will it take 10-years to fully implement this plan again? As silly as Stock's suit.
For $25 bucks a bottle your damned right that shaddy merlot better not look like a Hefeweizen. [Wineglow]
A delightful romp, maybe and ode, to the "Slayer ticket holding, straw chewing" bridge and tunnel crowd who bother going to the West End [Rant! Vancouver]
I'm not sure I'd pray to Jesus for the "Tide to Go" gadget, but Purell has probably saved my life on this trip. If you don't have it in Russia, I swear you'd die of something. [Gus Greeper]
A tough but fair review of Matt Good's Weapon and the horror of finding a quote where he isn't "full of shit and full of himself" [Corinna Liscumb at Estella's Revenge]
How to prepare for the upcoming hockey season. Odd no mention of stocking up on Canucks celebration champaigne (1 bottle) or late season collapse whiskey juice (1-2 Cases, as needed) [Vancouver Canucks Oped]
The 24 Hours crack editorial team pulls out the old "Last drops of Summer" routine. While you can't really fault them for the old girl licking ice cream (gelato) on the cover, the recomends of gelato, drinking at George, hiking, a bbq, road trips and fish and chips must have taken them weeks to compile. Meanwhile they do have some fun with "Remakes we want to see". It's still pretty desperate long weekend stuff to be honest. Flava Flav in a remake of Red Sonja? Come on.
The Province, those clever bastards, is the only paper that gives cover awesome happy times to Mina Bahmanyar the 59-year-old who pepper-sprayed the hell out of a knife wielding killer and rapist Danny Perrault. And special awesome shout out to the cover photo of Mina where she weeps with a cover of The Province in the foreground. Genuis. Dana Gee has a very readable minute by minute recap of the MTV Awards if anyone cares. I liked this part especially: "11:07 p.m.: Wow, we go from the Jackass guys sacking members of Fall Out Boy as they tried to accept their fan choice award to Al Gore. Gore took the opportunity to tell the MTV nation about global warming and what they can do about it, and then he sacked Justin Timberlake. Just kidding about the last part." And this CP article about Harper equiping border guards with more guns. Whoever chose the photo with the sexy looking border guard is a genuis. Border Guards = Sexy Back.
For the second day in a row, Metro's cover is just so awesome it's going to get it's own post - stay tuned shortly.
