At Dressew, our Halloween spy - who is for some reason dressed like Cartlon from The Fresh Prince today (seriously, the two sweaters are amazing dude) - saw the D-list princess, the poor-man's Paris Hilton, Tori Spelling. She was at Dressew, in army fatigues and had a cast on. How chic and ghetto fabulous. Our source says she "had seen better days". Which is code for: she looked terrible. Clearly she is in serious prep for her upcoming reality show stint. Way to go Tori.
Meanwhile, last night at the airport another operative spied Rosanna Arquette. Our source tells us that she looked "sharp" and "well put together". Who is she again? Whatever.
The new Terry Gilliam film, Tideland, makes you think that he really is the same guy that did in fact work on Monty Python and made Brazil 21-years ago.
Because clearly, the film is completely insane. It¹s kind of no wonder critics are having a field day with this film beating it around like a piñata, but then, that is kind of Gilliam isn't it. On the one hand you get "This is the worst movie of the year" reviews. On the other you get the Gilliam as Orson Wells talk. And if you can make sense of this you're good to go:
"After her mother dies from a heroin overdose, Jeliza-Rose is taken from the big city to a rural farmhouse by her father. As she tries to settle into a new life in a house her father had purchased for his now-deceased mother, Jeliza-Rose's attempts to deal with what's happened result in increasingly odd behavior, as she begins to communicate mainly with her bodiless Barbie doll heads and Dell, a neighborhood woman who always wears a beekeeper's veil."
But really. On Saturday there was a screening of the film introduced by Gilliam¹s daughter Amy (kind of a dish) who sat with William Vince (Capote) in the front row who helped arrange the smug, free, screening. That's why I went. And those VIPs sat in the front row. It¹s not really a new film, as sort of completely unmarketable. Kind of like an art show featuring a crackpot's urine in jars if you will, but I hardly believe this is the worst movie of the year. A tough movie, there is no doubt. Probably tasteless too. But anytime you have Jeff Bridges playing 'The Dude' on heroine you know you¹re in uncharted territory. This gives you a sense:
"The movie itself feels like an overstuffed burrito: Nicola Pecorini's cinematography has verve but no visual sense, and the film's self-important pace turns deadening over the long haul. The best thing here is Ferland's performance -- the 10-year-old actress is able to play knowing and naive, nice and nasty. She's an Alice that Lewis Carroll might have admired, for good reasons and for creepy ones."
Last night, Heroes broke up an otherwise tragic night of television. It¹s bad when NBC not canceling Studio 60 would be an improvement right? So when I stopped by CBS briefly catching Doogie Howser - er Neil Patrick Harris - talking about Halloween it was clear that Mondays have but 60 minutes saving them. But the observation about what exactly is the deal with Halloween being an excuse for women to dress like complete "hobags" is still valid. When he said something like this, "When they dress like a witch it¹s a slutty witch. A cat? It¹s a slutty cat. A nurse. A slutty nurse." Actually you can read more about this phenomenon at Barney's Blog about Halloween sluts.
Listen up my little pretties. A year ago, The Vancouverite was born. A year ago I was all, thanking my design team for making a damn fine blog, and all that kind of crap. And I would be again too if weren't for those kids and that dang dog. Anyway, we were young then, and we'd be celebrating the wonders of The Vancouverite redesign on our first birthday, but when you pay your staff with peanuts, no literally nuts, it is really hard to get things done on time, unless you are a squirrel I guess. Thanks, Graham! So that glorious baby Jesus-like rebirth will have to wait until later in November, prolly. I'm sure you're all glued at the edge of your seats anyway.
But in a rare momment of sort of non-irony and anti-snark I wanted to take the time to thank all the people who I've dragged into helping make this site what it is. I want to thank Graham and Carter for making The Vancouverite (redesign or not) look so effing good. There, I said it, stop screwing around now. Honestly. You're both lucky I can't even spell the word "code". Bastards.
And while I was traveling around the world during the summer the worker bees Luke and Josee somehow managed to keep the site more than just alive, even although Luke probably pissed off 1/2 the city and Josee got obsessed with those damned Spirit Bears. Now there is also Katherine our Canucks Blogger, who keeps me from actually having to follow hockey, which is perfect since I only like it when the Canucks lose. Anyway, Thank you. Serioously. But could you all post more and fill in those TPS reports, that'd be great.
Oh, and thanks to the readers who for some reason keep coming back day after day and in bigger numbers. It's like the freaking Sand people. How is that even possible I ask?
PS: I hate Halloween. More on this later. Also I've pretty much lost that bet I was telling you about. When I see the aforementioned Jack Layton costume this morning I'm going to be singing the glory of the Democrats. See what this website has done to me?
*If you can imagine a better way to start the week off than some political humor, you're still drunk. Saturday Night Live had a great bit on Republican attack ads, those bastards. (As you can see, I've already conceded defeat on my Halloween bet. Go Democrats.)
*Having just watched the first three episodes of the first season of Arrested Development, it is good news that creater Mitchell Hurwitz is planning a new series based on Britcom "The Thick of it". Come on this is amazing: "The British series follows members of Parliament, so presumably the US version will be about Washington DC bureaucrats."
*Quote of the morning: "Consider this: Hilary Swank, that deceitful little bitch, has 2 Oscars. Kate Winslet, the beautiful, the talented, the incomparable Kate Winslet, has none." [Lainey Gossip]
*And finally, I leave you with the two most disturbing ads I've seen in a long time. Mustache 1. Mustache 2.
The above video is quite amazing. A video audition of a "young Alec Guiness" for Stanley Kubrick. He's also a "Trekkie" and performs the most amazing Outsiders performance, EVER.
*My goodness, "a Romeo- and-Juliet story of a Republican man who falls into a politically forbidden relationship with a Democrat woman who is protesting the Bush agenda." Sounds gripping? Conventioneers trailer.
*Combining two of the great things on TV, Lost and Survivor, and you get Lost-vivor.
Vincent Gallo is completly mad. But that makes him a star. And damnit if he isn't so sweet-assly quoteable. For Instance there is this:
"With the psychotic, middle-aged Madonna out there on the loose buying up all the stolen Negro babies in Africa, I felt it my social and humanitarian duty to take in any young, beautiful and sexy orphaned Jew teens running wild in Beverly Hills. Cory's a great kid, and I'm proud to be her daddy."
Nothing screams melting pot like a fusion restaurant - fortunately, in the case of Clove, this has resulted in a melt-in-your-mouth deeeeelite. While I'm not necessarily a huge fan of the whole geometric/Ikea chic decor, I was won over by the charmingly casual server. Despite the fact that he was pretty much there to hang out with his friends at the bar, when he did come over, he was actually quite nice. Or maybe I'm just biased by the fact that he thought it was really awesome that we were rushing through dinner to get to a dodgeball game.
But really, Clove is pretty much about the food, and that's where the place really won me over. Always a fan of the deep-fried, the bhajis were crispy on the outside and tasty on the inside. They were also full of about eighteen different kinds of vegetables, which made me feel healthier than I should have. For a main course I tried the kofta, which had all the elements of a divine spread: dumplings and creamy curry goodness. My dinner companion had the beef salad, and while as a vegetarian I wasn't able to give it a taste, the words "ridiculously tender" were uttered enough times that I was pretty sure she liked it.
Being the world class dodgeball players that we are, we stayed away from the wine for the evening, but I could definitely head back there for a few drinks and some more yummy goodness. Did I mention that there were cushions strewn throughout? I'm not actually a restaurant critic but I know what I like, and Clove definitely gets a gold star from me.
"Dude". Lost starts in just over 13 hours. I know, I have a very serious problem. Insane promo. Trust me. ABC Promo here. Canadian Promo Here. And spoilers crazy for those not watching, but here's the previously on Lost bit. Some people at my Bruce Wayne-like job tried to plan some sort of work event tonight. That is nuts! Almost as nuts as Two and a Half Men being 12th in the Nielsens and Lost being 13th.
*Good news? Vanessa Minnillo is joining the cast of Fantastic Four 2 currently shooting here. I hope Jessica Alba turns her into a complete bitch, and then they fight, on Robson, with their mini dogs pooping everywhere. That would be awesome.
Having a George Foreman Grill in your kitchen is like having perforated toilet paper in your bathroom. Not really a necessity, but a necessity all at the same time. It's what we educated people call a paradox.
I made this last night on my George Foreman grill:
2 Slices of thick bread. Preferably something dense just not crusty
Some smooth peanut butter
Some strawberry jam
Some really soft butter
Start by smothering 1 piece of bread with peanut butter up to the edges. About 1 cm in thickness. Then the other piece with jam, again up to the edges just not as thick as the PB. Now butter the outside of the bread. And lastly, like with any sandwich, you need to create a butter fortress by buttering the sides and filling gaps like mortar.
Place sandwich on center of hot GFG and close lid. (the ideal bread would have been thick enough for the top of the grill to touch the top slice of bread)
In about 6 minutes get ready for the end of that tight body as you know it. You are about to eat what the immortals eat for breakfast probably every day; like Santa Clause, God, his hippy son and of course any surviving Highlanders.
I kept trying to take pictures of the sandwich with my new cyber shot so I could share it, but something wasn't allowing the image to be captured. I could take pictures of other things though.
The Province has this story, "Naked dad fights off home invader" which should totally be on the cover, but isn't. And the Canucks coverage, obviously tries to make lemonade out of lemon, or not: "That's why he wasn't sweating a power play that could barely stay out of its own way, or an offence that still struggles to score goals the way an old guy struggles to pass a kidney stone, or one of the 132 details in a one-goal game that could have swung the balance in the Canucks' favour." PS: Province editorials entitled, "Ugly celebrity splits show need for divorce reform" are hilariously fun.
The Sun has a bunch of things that are bringing me down. So let's focus on the Canucks coverage. Brad Ziemer writes, "With Monday Night Football being played across town, the Vancouver Canucks decided to get into the spirit of things at the American Airlines Center.They went into their prevent defence. For two periods, it worked wonderfully.Unfortunately, it wasn't so effective against a five-on-three Dallas power play in the third period."
24 Hours has a double shot of non-fluff news today. It draws you in with the "Deadly Drug Deal" but you stay for the "Squat for a cause." At least that must be their thinking.
*It's probably too early for this, and heartbreaking for those who live out near Langley, but "Why There Almost Certainly Is No God." " "We cannot, of course, disprove God, just as we can't disprove Thor, fairies, leprechauns and the Flying Spaghetti Monster. But, like those other fantasies that we can't disprove, we can say that God is very very improbable." Wow, Ned Flanders is going to be pissed about this...
*And oh my god, oh my god, new Bloc Party February. Hit that. And in Vancouver December 2nd with Panic! at the Disco. Art Director Graham says "There is no way I would pay to see Panic! at the disco."
The Province is on it's game today. The front cover headline of "Beaten to death over a billiard ball" is a tragic story of a 20-year old who died in hospital after being beaten up in Nanaimo this weekend. Meanwhile on the back we have Sami Salo, "Salo's Biggest Shot." And the two overtime win euphoria this weekend is now quickly moved into, if Salo keeps it up he will be priced out of Vancouver next season. It's always something in this damned city isn't it?
Over in The Sun there is this 'only in BC' story about confused crows, "The destruction of the roost site earlier this year for development of a Costco outlet and new Keg restaurant has left one researcher concerned and more than a little saddened." Damn you big boxes this is a total crow slaughter. And then they have a big story about Polygamy on the cover too. But if you dig into the paper you get this, "MPs, pages partied at Ottawa pubs" which is gold because of this, "graduates of the Canadian program say pages and MPs routinely partied together and some had romantic entanglements."
24 Hours has protestors this fine Monday morning. "Six people have barricaded themselves inside an upper floor of the old North Star Hotel at 5 West Hastings Street, a heritage-listed building that has been vacant since 1999."
I almost forgot about this one. Saturday night, a friend took me to a wine tasting. I should have known that this would be extremely creepy because a.) It was in Capilano Mall (North Vancouver’s 2nd most ghetto mall after the awesome Lynn Valley Centre) b.) It was Saturday Night in North Vancouver and c.) Did I mention it was in a Mall?
On one hand the people were ridiculous – I mean a Rotary Club Gala Wine Festival in a freaking mall brings out the freaks. And by freaks I mean drunks that looked like they don’t normally go out, or drink wine. The guy in the sweatpants and old Canucks Halloween logo jacket took top prize. And yes, it was for charity. And yes, I am a total jerk. On the other hand, there was plenty of free food, although mostly from places I would never eat at. But Starbucks was giving out pounds of coffee, which is kind of a nice freebie. But if you want to find cheap wines for drinking everyday, this could be the venue. I’m not kidding. Your “hobo wines of the week”:
Okay. It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve been able to devote any quality time to The Georgia Straight. But the lure of the City Single of the Week was just too much and here we go again with ‘The 5’ – a look at the best n’ maybe no-so-best of Vancouver's entertainment weekly.
5. Let’s start with The Gothe. Dudes, he’s making pronouncements about the next big thing in wine, the south of France, so listen the hell up. Quite frankly what had me at hello this week was the idea of the perfect phrase in the universe, “meat wine.” You know what to do…
4. In honor of his new album “The Information”, Beck gets served this tasty bit of dish: “There aren’t any blunders on Beck’s latest, but there sure are a lot of bleeps à la R2-D2. And last I checked, the mid-’90s Atari sound is still too recent to count as retro. Consequently, this album feels, at times, pretty dated for someone touted as one of the great revolutionary musicians of our time.”
3. The cover article is about local actor turned war movie playa, Barry Pepper. This part from Pepper is hilarious: “It seemed like at that time in the industry there wasn’t much thinking out of the box. If you were going to hold a casting session, you got out your casting manual, and if you were going to direct, it was going to be linear directing. If you were a Canadian bad boy, then you had a coonskin cap and cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt and you had tattoos of an anchor. Since then, that has changed, but at the time that was kind of what motivated me to move to L.A.” Of course that article about Pepper is accompanied by another about how some local actors have to fight stereotypes to achieve Pepper-like success, actors like the darling Lanette New and her fancy website.
2. This week’s City Single of the Week calls himself J.T. And I bet he's been going around the city telling girls that he will bring “Sexy Back” too. Then again anyone who has photos of themselves lying around like that, and describes his job as “Keeper of the FUNK/DJ” is beyond simple mockery. Here’s the thing, when someone asks you who your ideal partner would be, how can you answer Krista Allen and Sara Silverman. Why in the hell would you cross the sexy and hilarious Silverman with a D- list actress? It makes no sense PS: people who use words like “unhypeness” can shampoo my crotch.
1. Yes! Finally. Best headline: “B.C. mulls new atomic age.” I wish this was about Gordon Campbell obsession with nukes, Kim Jung Il style. Sadly it is not.
I’m really not sure which is worse. That when I go to Vancouver Magazine’s website that they still have the last month’s issue - and by last month, I mean September – featured. So that means I guess by November they’ll be ready to tell you all about their October Issue. Or is it the fact that in said October issue, you can read a completely ridiculous article entitled, “Allergic Reactions – You’re not a real Vancouverite, it seems, if you’ve never been an extra” by Chris Smith. This is particularly offensive:
“I’d lay money that buried somewhere in the city code is an obscure law to the effect that everyone living in Vancouver must appear in the background of a commercial/film/sci-fi series at some point during their residence. It’s a rite of passage for Vancouver insiderdom, like doing the Grouse Grind or having your bicycle stolen.”
Come on, If these are the rites of passage, we're in serious trouble. But then again, that sort of thing overshadows the fact that they have a story about the Mayor of Surrey for some reason. Although props must be given for another amazing photo of former B.C. Premier Mike “Let’s Boogie” Harcourt in a flower shirt in the “Green Dream” feature story. The guy is a legend. PS: Seeing David Suzuki’s creepy gnarled toes – because he is wearing sandals in the same photo as Mike – was, well, how can I put this, unsettling.
As you settle into your chair at work or if you’re an unemployed douche sitting at home, consider the following throughout the day.
As a parent of a young child we thirst for the next milestone because we assume the grass is always greener on the other side. That's a myth. Here are some greener's and browner's on that exciting other side:
1. Babies that can't move are far better than babies that can. You should cherish the days when baby is just a floppy head attached to an even floppier body. It's basically like feeding a pillow, how hard can it be. Much more difficult when they can move. Don't push them. Think how many pillows you have seen stick their frillies into an electrical outlet?
Yeah, sure, this misleading political ad will send the masses to the polls. But it sure is nice to see Daphne Zuniga working again. Seriously when did she suddenly turn 50?
*Am I the only one who thinks that John Mayer's latest song, "Waiting for the world to change," which is enjoying its fifth week at #1 in Canada is completely annoying? What a winey, wannabe, greaseball, jerkoff. We have the worst taste ever. And there this is this at Rolling Stone: "One of the most annoying things about John Mayer is that he’s really smart. He’s funny and quoteable and is always writing/doing/saying amusing stuff that we are forced to enjoy, subsequently creating shame in our hearts. Here’s yet another example." Because the dirtbag put on a bear suit? Please.
*Apparantly people dress like total slobs, even at benefit dinners. "...as we pulled up to the event with her husband, Billy, in a gleaming black Porsche, instead of seeing unsurpassed casual elegance we saw baseball caps, Hawaiian shirts and women in denim jackets undermining their outfits. What is it about dressing up that sophisticated people now find so off-putting? And who needs guests showing up at Halloween parties who are too cool or smug to bother wearing anything but black? Black is not a costume. It’s a downer." [New York Times]
*I can see why NBC wanted Studio 60to take a break this week - although it seems to be not the case anymore. The show within a show comedy sketches are actually worse than the real Saturday Night Live. Not even sure how that is possible. Saturday is a good example: At least Will Ferrel cameo'd as James Lipton (and that was the funny high-water mark) PS: next week SNL has Hugh Laurie, which means only good can happen.
*Speaking of fake late night TV shows. I think I like 30 Rock, but it is solely because Alec Baldwin is kind of on fire. This week's Must List in Entertainment Weekly calls it like this, "Because we can't get enough of the cocksure alpha-male aggression currently seen on screens both big (The Departed) and small (30 Rock). Alec Baldwin...comic genuis? Okay fine, I mention this only because cocksure is a great word. It's cocksure week here at The Vancouverite. Enjoy it bitches. Here's a taste of Baldwin
Friday night I made the mistake of having some dinner at The Yaletown Brewing Company. Now, the food was fine, nothing special - actually the Mac & Cheese with chorizo was a bit ridiculous - enough cheese in there to kill a Frenchman, or at least a Swiss Frenchie, which is quite frankly good. On the other hand, the only thing good I heard said about the chicken satay was that it was dry. I'm presuming that is bad. But being away from the city for so long, you simply forgot how utterly absurd it is to watch Yaletown douchebags high five every time the Canucks score. If that is your bag, this is your place. Let me explain:
It was 7:00 pm and the place was packed as usual. Full to the brim with, well, you know the types. The guys that spend more time working out than anything else, you know them as the big necked, tight shirted wankers in leather jackets. They have midget (sorry: petite) looking, flat chested, blond girlfriends with crazy bra setups to make them look 19 rather than 14 and they do big "Oh Yeahs" and then tell their girlfriends why they "Oh yeah'd." Thankfully in this urban jungle nightmare there was the Yaletown "fembot" waitress who was serving on the patio. This girl was amazing, in that Deal or No Deal model kind of a way. She must have been French since she was completely indifferent to everyone she was serving with an almost vacant Katie Holmes deadeye stare. I didn't enjoy the service I got, but seeing her completely ignore the high fivers was quite incredible and well worth it.
PS: If you ever want to make some quick money, put on a Firefighter t-shirt and bring around an old gumboot collecting money for charity, any charity - it's clearly a money maker with the drunks in Yaletown to make them feel good about themselves.
Air Care needs to be taken out of commission. Or instead of the test, we just pay $23 a year more on insurance and the insurance clerk asks if the car is relatively clean and not emitting black smoke. We nod and away we go. I could care less about the money, I spend that much on candy in a week. I just don't want to have to go find one of these centers and wait for 30 minutes.
I feel bad for the last post. And at somepoint last night I made some sort of insane bet with someone - it involved a 5-minute pinky swear, so it must be serious. Apparently if she dresses up as Jack Layton for Halloween - including mustache - I will spend the week after up to and until the November 7th mid-term elections in the USA professing my love for the Democrats. Clearly only Nixon could go to China, and this one is on like Donkey Kong, Layton! Too bad I can't cheer Joe Lieberman on - the Joementum has hit a 17-point lead. This was better than the first bet which involved me baking Gerard Kennedy cookies for some reason.
Wow. You don't post for like 24 hours and people start sending you cat videos. That's incredible. And since I'm a total jerk, I share with you. You brought this on yourselves.
Last night I actually watched the CBC mothership. I know. I know. But come on, Rick Mercer telling new Green Party leader Elizabeth May "Take that beeatch down" as she was using a chainsaw to cut down a tree was priceless. Bonus points for the Mercer Report Audio Challenge which could become a ticket to political comedy gold.
Intelligence moved along way quicker this week and the fact that Jimmy Reardon didn't jump at the chance to get back together with his tramp of a wife was pure entertainment. And really, anytime you can ratchet up the stripper plot lines, ratings will increase. I even tried to watch The Hour, but the interview between George Stroumboulopoulos and Beck was a bore - what happened Beck? And must "Stombo" always be so hunched over with a concerned look on his face when he attempts to ask "tough-ish" questions?
I almost gave up on covering the papers this morning. But The Province changed my mind. The "Brace for Gang War" cover, including bullet holes is quite amazing. Possibly not as amazing as the story's photo of Vancouver police Det. Const. Doug Spencer who has an amazing mustache. ""There will be shootings for sure. For the most part, it's bad guy versus bad guy but if you interfere in their business, if you are in the wrong nightclub at the wrong time, you're totally at risk," said Spencer. "They really don't care. They're not good with verbal skills, these guys."
On the backside of the tabloid it's Canucks and "Oilers finish it early". This kind of sums it all up, "As for the rest of the Canucks, it remains unclear why they hit the ice flatter than a paper doll under a briefcase in a 2-1 loss to the Oilers, supposedly their heated rival. News that Roberto Luongo wasn't starting seemed to take the air out of their tires faster than police-issued road spikes."
But I think what really takes the cake is the editorial, "Don't sneer at celebs for trying to help the people of Africa". "So it is hardly fair to criticize celebs like Madonna and Jolie (whose child, Zahara, was adopted from Ethiopia) for refusing to remain indifferent and sit smugly on the sidelines."
According to ICBC it is OK to crash into another car in November, or any other month except this one. This month is "No Crash Month". And since I usually get in a mild fender bender every other week, I haven't yet, so I am doing my part. Good thing they are spending millions on ridiculous ads and Prime Time TV spots. "Dude you can't drive drunk tonight, it's October...WTF is wrong with you?" That really is the conversation I had last night at the game with my buddy.
Also this is "Homeless Week", which means that during the other 51 weeks, everyone has a home and we shouldn't care. So today I will be giving the guy in the wheelchair on Cordova a shiny Toonie but next week I might only call him a dirty beggar. Perhaps I will even kick the little cup out of his hand and suggest he get a job.
Why the hell do we promote these special weeks, days or months? What an absurd society that we can't always be concerned about homeless people growing in numbers and/or starving in the wet and cold. Or that for one month you should give a rats ass about driving drunk or too fast or showing off your real sweet 'stang and how it burns out. My ECHO burns out bitch, every car does. Jesus!.
If we feel the need to promote abstaining from the unlawful or restraining ignorance for only a short while, why don't we have something actually doable. Something like "Zero Cigarette Butts on the Ground Month", or "Take Your God Damn 24 Hours Paper With You When You Leave the Skytrain Week", or "Don't Pinch Your Kid When They Eat All Your Candy Because They Bruise Easily And Daycare Will Question Mom And Then She Will Give You Shit For It And Then She Will Tell Her Mom And Then They Will Gang Up On You And Ask If You Really Want Your Kid Remembering You As Abusive Just Because He Ate The Candy You Certainly Didn't Need Anyways Fatty Month." I could actually use a reminder like the last one.
While the rest of the city begins to enjoy the day after happy pills from last night's Canucks victory, Orland Kurtenblog gives us What Would Joey Jeremiah Do? Reading about Ryan Kesler as Melanie Brodie is priceless:
"Sweet, innocent Melanie. Tall, skinny Ryan. We remember them fondly. A couple nice kids with great futures ahead. But, oh, how the peer pressure took over. The next thing we knew Melanie was stealing from her mom's wallet, smoking weed and telling everyone Kathleen's mom was an alcoholic. And Ryan? Well, Ryan got mixed up with the wrong crowd and started extorting the very same people that had stood by him for so many years. Also, he got stoned and told everyone Morrison was anorexic."
Surely this is better than Cam Cole's introduction today: "There isn't a lot in it, yet. You hear that, and you tell yourself that the season is young, but when you watch a hockey game, whether it's in October or December or March, you still want to leap to conclusions based on what looks good enough, and what doesn't."
Translation:" I could tell you what I really think, but that would expose me to possibly being dead wrong, or worse, kind of a douchebag, and I don't effing roll like that."
Although I did enjoy hearing Garry Valk this morning on CKNW talk about Sami Salo's soft groinal region and whether or not he could play tonight as well as he did last night. But here's the key, apparently the Canucks have manufactured a second line or as the Province tells it, "Second line doesn't slack or lack." And my favorite post game thought from Tony "Skelator" Gallagher:
"For the first time this season, the Vancouver Canucks looked as though they might have stumbled onto a configuration of players that has a chance to thrive for longer than it takes to pronounce Anze Kopitar.
While they only won by a goal at home and must go to Edmonton tonight to prove it wasn't just an off night for the slovenly Oilers, the Canucks generated some scoring from lines three and four while -- as always -- the Ikea line and a new second line offering on Brendan Morrison, Jan Bulis and Ryan Kesler looked like a goal was at least possible."
When the first thing you read in a day is this: "This year, Donnie Deutsch, the biggest douchebag in the advertising industry, started "writing" a Gotham magazine feature for the Napoleonic-complexed Jason Binn, the biggest douchebag in the magazine industry." You know it's going to be a pretty good day. And let's be honest, after last night's Heroes was effing unreal. If I only I could bend the space time continuim, it would make it a lot easier to blog and figure out how to get Ali Larter to come over to my place and discuss philosophy and whatever.
*Start the day off right by watching the new Sony Bravia ad. Warning, a clown has a cameo, but other than that this is a pretty good follow up to their last spot with the bouncing balls.
This past week the Canucks kicked things off with a 2-1 shootout loss to Minnesota. A shootout loss? Really? Luongo, this is why you get the big bucks. Screwing up shootouts is not ok sweetheart. Considering that we have 1 line capable of scoring, I think shootouts are going to be kind of key for us this year. It would be pretty awesome if our goalie knew how to work them.
The streak continued with Friday’s home opener loss to the Sharks. That one hurt, but the silver lining to this 6-4 punisher was definitely the next day’s headlines. Seriously, could the sports pages have featured any more hungry shark puns? I think my personal favorite had to be “The Canucks’ thin back-end proved too tempting for a hungry Sharks side”. Honorable mention goes to “Blood was in the water — and the sharks were circling.” So sexy.
Tonight we face the Oilers and it looks like we’ll be doing it without Salo and his injured groin. I’m predicting a massacre. I don’t think this one will even make it to the shoot out. Unless perhaps our new CEO (Chris Zimmerman, ex-head of Nike Bauer Hockey) can light a fire under the team’s ass with some of that ‘Just Do It’ sis boom bah bullshit. Honestly, those Bauer ‘Earn your ice-time’ ads make me feel like I could score and I can’t even skate. Now you get those on a loop in the locker room, get Zimmerman shouting out some Nike taglines and you’ve got yourself a little game night magic. I’m sensing serious secret weapon possibilities here. And he’s not even Swedish.
I take transit every day. It's fun. It's made me fall in love with Vancouver all over again. I mean you can actually smell the compassion oozing out of the Skytrain's riders. It's true, you can smell it, because compassion on transit tends to smell a wee bit like a mixture of rotting celery and prawns.
If I sat in Malcolm Brodie's chair, or in his lap, here are some things I would do:
- Skytrain doors open out-wards really really fast, like lightening fast...no more sissy doors sliding to the side. Then for those that feel the need to stand with their nose right at the door obstructing those trying to get off, you will likely miss that train while you deal with that jelly donut you used to call your face.
- I would write a common courtesy pamphlet in every known language. Maybe include some pictures of what a pregnant lady looks like. Or maybe what a person with crutches might look like or even an elderly person because apparently the vast majority of riders haven't a freaking clue. I will never sit on a bus or train again because I am not physically stressed and need to sit. 80% of people sit while they work, so why would you need to sit on your way home to go and sit some more? I am a fat pig of a man and I don't feel the need to sit. I also stand taller than the ceiling on the train, yet I choose to stand. F**kers, you make me so mad.
- Backpacks bigger than 4 gallons must be strapped onto a rack outside the bus. If your bag is that big then you are probably a hobo or nomad anyways therefore no one cares about you and your belongings. You smell like garbage anyways and whatever that is living in your pocket, it just gave me the evil eye.
You know this comment about the above video of the Canucks opener light show kind of says it all. "[T]he light show was better than the team that night." Anything that features a whale on skates with a flag is pure fantastic-ness. It is almost as good as Garry Valk telling Neil Macrae this morning that the fiasco that was the Canucks this weekend was, and I quote, "nerves".
PS: Posting might be a little slow this morning/afternoon.
A friend forwarded this to me. Basically it is a Strongly worded letter to John Madden from Redskins Ethan Albright for giving him such an awful rating in his latest Madden NFL series.
His use of the four letter words is inspiring as seen here:
"I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is fucking bullshit and you should kiss my mother-fucking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80."
If this wasn't Ethan and was actually some idiot like me then it is still pretty great. I give it a 78 on the sweetness scale and 100 if it was actually written by Ethan.
What this letter really did for me was it reminded me that I need to start swearing way more...
Don't tell me that starting your day off with Hall and Oates isn't fantastic? This one goes out to the head of a boiler room operation I know.
And, not really sure what's going on in the Fantastic Four filming world, but Jessica Alba is apparently still a total bitch, and her blond hair and ugly faces is sweet justice since she still is trying to tell the world that she won't do nudity. [Yeeeah]
The Province is amazing this morning. It's party on the front with "Crackdown on Walk-in Clinics" And on the back it's "Friday The 13th Guess Who's Home" with the hockey mask/Jason montage as the Canucks return home for two home games starting tonight at GM Place when they take on The San Jose Sharks.
The Sun gives Vancouverites happy thoughts going into the weekend with the big cover story, "Slow Justice: Trial delays could put B.C. criminals back on street." Great, that's all we need. But it was day three at the teacher sex trial, "Teacher seduced girls on his boat, trial told." Today's trial fun climaxed when defence lawyer Bill Smart tried to tell one of the women testifying that she was a willing participant. And in unintentionally related and funny headlines, Brad Ziemer's "Canucks finally just do it" as Chris Zimmerman a former New York Rangers Fan becomes the new suit overlord of Ocra Bay.
And the good news continues on 24 Hours with their cover story, "Bubble Trouble". "Housing starts in Vancouver fell for the second straight month in September, while the Fraser Valley continued to see jumps, according to the Canadian Mortgage and Housing Corporation." Meanwhile the unfortunetly named Food Bank apparently doesn't have any food after record low donations.
Over at Metro Vancouver, they put Rob Feenie on the front talking about how cooking is a tough job, and that restaurants across the province are facing shortages of workers.
This hurts me just as much as it will hurt you. Maybe it's the Blind Melon. Maybe it is just how creepy this is. But it's still flip flops, in Vancouver. In October. And the idea that there is actually a YouTube channel devoted to this creepy fetish is mind blowing. Nice to see that Google paid over a billion for some flip flop videos.
