It's Thursday December the 28 around 11:28AM and

Are You On The List?

"Save the Cheerleader, Save the World" leads us to "Are you on the list?" Damn you Heroes. Damn you to hell. 25 more days? Longest 25 days, EVER.

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link |

It's Tuesday December the 26 around 10:52PM and

A Full Frontal Attack On Christmas

Self-righteous know it alls who said I was stupid to save all of my Christmas shopping until the last minute: 1.

Katherine:0.

So I decided to launch a full frontal attack on Christmas shopping this weekend and get it all done in a day. No list, no major plans, I went totally rogue. I thought I would get so caught up in the Christmas spirit that my day would be a completely Cinderella-esque and everything I needed would just kind of appear. Unfortunately, instead of helpful animal friends I had bitchy sales people and instead of a fairy godmother I had old ladies who kept getting in my way. By the end of shopping day 1 I had collapsed on a mall bench where I sat chewing the same piece of Christmas cookie over and over, trying to figure out where things had gone so terribly wrong.

By the end of day two I had started smoking again. Cinderella? Try Apocalypse Now. Looking back on the situation I see that it was mostly my fault, a result of very poor planning. However, as I sat in my daze on that very uncomfortable bench I came up with a few helpful suggestions that I think may help the general mall going public in the future:

Continue reading "A Full Frontal Attack On Christmas" »

Posted by Katherine | Link | Comments (38)

It's Tuesday December the 26 around 10:32PM and

Brown and Ford Check Out

I hate the fact that you take a couple of days off, and you lose some good people. First James Brown and now Gerald Ford. Wonkette reports on the passing of the man who "first gained fame for whitewashing the assassination of John F. Kennedy":

"But even though Ford was respected by Democrats and Republicans back in the day, and even though he finally ended America’s pathetic horror in Vietnam, historians will remember Gerald Ford as the man who clumsily empowered America’s greatest villains: Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney. Oh, and he gave a complete pardon to Richard Nixon. Whip Inflation Now!!!"

Well, at least Saddam is almost dead too. It may be Wednesday already, but it feels like a really bad Monday.

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link |

It's Sunday December the 24 around 12:08PM and

Merry Christmas

Looking for posts? I know this is a bit of a sweatshop, but even I don't expect posts during Christmas. So enjoy the traditional Yule Log.

The Peter Griffin Christmas Album.

Yule Log III Director's Commentary...

Burl Ives Holly Jolly Christmas

The Hoff. In German. 'nough said.

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link | Comments (1)

It's Sunday December the 24 around 8:53AM and

Don't miss Christmas or there will be hell to pay

If I hadn't waited until this day to buy gifts or waited until today to plop junior on Santa's lap at the mall, I would write more. Luckily there is always time for YouTube clips.

BTW this has got me so pumped with yuletide awesomeness, late tonight I plan on using a brand new million candle led flashlight to hunt a baby dear so I can use it's head as a candle holder for dinner tomorrow. It's a family tradition, so it's okay.

Posted by Luke McCullum | Link |

It's Thursday December the 21 around 9:08AM and

Harry Potter and the Pregnant Third Year

JK Rowling unleashed the new title of the last book. She finally went with this scary name - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Now as far as childrens books go that's as good a title as you will get if you don't go with one of my suggestions:

Harry Potter and the Curse of Puberty
Harry Potter and the Violent Monkey
Harry Potter and the Christian Overlord
Harry Potter and the Book Burning Sadist
Harry Potter and the Gossip Gansta
Harry Potter and the Premature Magical Explosion

I admit I have read some of the HP books and I know some of you might be shocked to learn I can read at all. I'm not the hardened man beast you might have thought. Though I do beleive that she is a great writer so regardless if the series was about young fluffer Harry Handjob, it still would have been thrilling. The movies would be way awesome though!! "You're a fluffer Harry, and a darn good one at that...Your dad was a fluffer and your mom was a bukkake star!"

Posted by Luke McCullum | Link |

It's Wednesday December the 20 around 8:50PM and

Mother of God - Posted twice because it's so awesome

My brain says it's going to suck. My heart tells me it will be pure awesomeness. My pee pee tells me there is no nudity so let's wait for DVD.

Here's a you tube copy in crappy quality:

And here is the link to a premium but small screen copy on Yahoo: http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/transformers.html

Posted by Luke McCullum | Link | Comments (1)

It's Wednesday December the 20 around 8:50PM and

Mother of God - Here again if you skipped over it

My brain says it's going to suck. My heart tells me it will be pure awesomeness. My pee pee tells me there is no nudity so let's wait for DVD.

Here's a you tube copy in crappy quality:

And here is the link to a premium but small screen copy on Yahoo: http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/transformers.html

Posted by Luke McCullum | Link |

It's Wednesday December the 20 around 1:12PM and

Miley Cyrus is Ridiculously Fabulous

Featuring the classic tale of good girl by day and teen pop sensation by night, this show is so full of fluff and ridiculousness that it actually bolts straight across that line that separates the bad from the fabulously kitschy. Not that Hannah Montana is a show for everyone - if you're not prepared to learn a valuable moral lesson you might as well stay far, far away. But if you're interested in checking out the next Hilary Duff (seriously, folks, she's going to be dating Joel Madden as soon as Nicole Ritchie is done with him), Hannah Montana is where it's at. And if you have the Disney Channel, you can watch it like eight times a day. This is exactly why god invented PVR.

Posted by Josee Thibault | Link | Comments (2)

It's Wednesday December the 20 around 6:46AM and

A Strongly Worded Letter Because "She" is Coming Back For More

Maybe no one has ever spoken out against her because they are scared. She seems to be a real bitch and as they go, no one wants to stand in their wake and tell one off. I will.

She just killed all these trees. I am sure baby birds are dead too as their nests fell to the ground and exploded. She also messed up everything real bad a few weeks back with the snow. No one pointed the finger then either. We have to unite as one and tell her to leave and never come back. We do this by paving over the green with a coat of fresh asphalt.

Oddly enough the tree huggers that opposed the trees getting cut down in Stanley Park for the Aquarium, are NOT up in arms with conspiracy theories about how the Aquarium and Dr. Nightingale were behind the wind storms. It;s okay when man isn't the culprit apparently.

Anyways...

Continue reading "A Strongly Worded Letter Because "She" is Coming Back For More" »

Posted by Luke McCullum | Link |

It's Tuesday December the 19 around 8:16AM and

The Vancouverite Holy Crap Gift Guide: The Soundtrack of Christmas

After all that Nazi Gingerbread Men stupidity, you really need something actually festive. Yeah, even I can only bitch about Christmas so much. if you could get one album of Christmas music what would you pick? For my money it would be either Christmas with the Rat Pack, Linus, er, Vince Guaraldi's "Charlie Brown Christmas," or Burl Ives. Bottom line this music should be played for about 7 days - from the 19-26th and then its done.

But this morning, you know what, you could just have the delighful Zooey Deschanel singing "Baby it's Cold Outside" with Leon Redbone. [Via BuzzSugar]

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link | Comments (4)

It's Tuesday December the 19 around 8:15AM and

Disturbing Holiday Festivus: December 19th Edition

1. Can I just say that Christmas window displays featuring Nazi Gingerbread Men are, well, how do you say C-R-A-Z-Y. This is just messed up douchebaggery. And Nazis? I hate those guys... Suggested alternative window display, "gay far-right wing evangelical pastor gingerbread men". Ahhh...Christmas good times.[Via the Gridskipper Nazi Santa Tracker which has other examples too]

2. Can John Mayer just shut the hell up already.

3. OMG. The Duff sisters are in the Vancouver area. Sweet.

4. The Onion's AV Club has the requisite Cheap Toy Round-Up for 2006. Favorite:

Lovely Baby ($1.99, from $2.99) Okay, seriously, what's creepier, the Lovely Baby's swollen ankles and clearly deformed, twisted legs, or the "TRY ME" label positioned above its crotch? (Poke it there, and it plays a tinny version of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star," just like a real baby.)

5. Brigitte over at TV Squad has a fun video blog debating the yule log. Original vs. High-Def? Hmmm...HD yule log. Yeah!

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link | Comments (2)

It's Monday December the 18 around 7:17AM and

The Vancouverite Holy Crap Gift Guide: Nog-a-sake

"One part egg nog, three parts sake!" The Nog-a-sake was the call to arms in last week's holiday episode of The Office. Best Christmas episode of the season. I dare you to try this at a Japanese restaurant this week - although if a place would do this, it's got to be Kobe. Throw that bad boy into a Moose mug - as seen in Christmas Vacation - and you've got a can't miss holiday treat.

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link | Comments (1)

It's Monday December the 18 around 7:11AM and

A Special Christmas Box?

Every once and a while Saturday Night Live does something good. Not surprisingly, JT was involved.

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link |

It's Thursday December the 14 around 8:00AM and

Guest Blogger: Anthony's Excellent Russian Adventure Part IV

"Seriously. If you ever want something to be way harder than it should be...do it in Russia.

They have ways of dismissing you when you ask for something, as if to say "no problem" and you're insulting me by your very presence. Of course, sure enough "no problem" means "big fucking problem" in English. It's like a 2 year old child lying and then getting caught...

The other day I watched as the Russian Special Forces got their tank stuck in the mud for 2 hours. For real. I know, I know...how did this crack team of gun nerds ever lose the cold war? At about 45min into this fiasco, everyone standing around became a bloody "getting a tank out of the mud" expert. They finally did what they should have done right away...got another tank to pull it out. But, they had to make it hard...and at least try to get it out with the Russian version of the "yaris"...because you never know.

Continue reading "Guest Blogger: Anthony's Excellent Russian Adventure Part IV" »

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link | Comments (6)

It's Thursday December the 14 around 7:34AM and

The Vancouverite Holy Crap Gift Guide: Scarlett Johansson or Louis Vuitton

If you woke up on Christmas morning and found Scarlett Johansson or a bunch of smug Louis Vuitton crap would you be terribly upset? Or maybe you can have both?

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link |

It's Wednesday December the 13 around 12:56PM and

Nanny Spike

Thanks to Jackson's earlier post with the Opera Big Foot Unicorn thing, I found this gem. This is pee inducing awesomeness with whipped topping and a brownie bit sprinkle. I don't know who Spike Feresten is but he is fantastic.

Posted by Luke McCullum | Link | Comments (1)

It's Wednesday December the 13 around 6:10AM and

Disturbing Holiday Memories, December 13th Edition

1. Reader 'Rib' sent this one in. Christopher Walken's Twelve Days of Christmas. "The Third Day. The three French hens have been prepared and dressed for oven or broiler, as you will. But the holiday fun does not stop there, my friend. I have removed the heads myself. With an axe. And I have decorated them, festively, as Mary, Joseph, and the Baby Jesus. Please, enjoy."

2. Have you had your office Christmas party yet? If it looked anything like the one at Lucasfilm i feel for you. I don't see an Ewok anywhere, but the whole photo with the Stormtrooper infront of the Christmas tree is creepy. Not as creepy as the C3P0 cupcakes, but what could be?

3. Perhaps your life is so pathetic and lonely that you need a DVD that allows, "a lonesome dinner to become one full of holiday fun and good cheer with dinner companions eating, drinking, and engaging in conversation. The DVD will feature actors reading out different scripts in other for people to pick out which type of people they would want best." The Dutch always think of the best stuff.

4. Whitney Matheson over at Pop Candy has a pretty amazing bad holiday outfit of the day described as, "We had the ugly sweater aspect and added the element of terrible mustaches." That's it. I need a fake mustache and a bad sweater right now...

5. I really have no idea about this, but had to post. This one goes out to a dear friend/unicorn lover of The Vancouverite currently in the Mother Land. Bigfoot Unicorn Opera.

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link | Comments (2)

It's Wednesday December the 13 around 6:04AM and

Vancouverite Quickie Brunch Review: Cassis

The bacon was double smoked, and full of just plain yum. The free range eggs were perfect - the yokes a ridiculous golden colour - and the hash browns were awesome. The bonus fruit salad and the best french loaf toast ever was kind of a cheerry on top of a slice of heaven. I felt like a bit of a moron for asking for ketchup, but they had it, and it wasn't a big deal. If I had been in Paris, my guess is I would have gotten a really great snotty, "non." One friend from Wineglow had the Cassis Rissole which looked quite hardcore. Massive bacon bits, mushroom potato hash, swiss cheese and eggs. It was big and looked great. The only question that remained was why the place wasn't completely packed. Still not sure the salt and pepper on the table is sanitary in the long run.

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link | Comments (4)

It's Wednesday December the 13 around 6:03AM and

Guest Blogger: Anthony's Excellent Russian Adventure Part III

Comrade Karl Pilkington, er, Anthony is still in St. Petersburg, Russia and we are pleased to bring you another one of his vodka soaked ramblings from the Mother Country for your reading pleasure. Well, except those of you who just don't seem to get this new series of amazing adventure posts. We can actually hear you writing the hate emails now. Spasiba!

'OK. So I was guilted into going to visit one of the largest collections of art in the world...St.Petersburg's very own "Hermitage".

First off, let me say the price of admission was very reasonable. It was 350 rubles to get in and another 100 if you wanted to take pictures. Now, 100 rubles are only about 4 bucks US. I would have paid 20 if I could've used my flash so I could see any of the pictures I took.

We had walked about 80 feet into the "winter palace", which smugness knows no bounds, before our translator...sorry, "interpreter", decided to stop us all and give us the entire tour.

Continue reading "Guest Blogger: Anthony's Excellent Russian Adventure Part III" »

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link | Comments (2)

It's Wednesday December the 13 around 6:02AM and

The Vancouverite Holy Crap Gift Guide: Campari

If the idea of these Campari ads featuring Salma Hayek doesn't make your season bright, I don't know what will. [See them all at GoldenFiddle] It gets better/creepier at the website, Hotel Campari. Sure this isn't as cool as this compilation of 1968 Campari ads, but, the what could be?

A bottle for your smugest friend? Make it so. So you can roll Steve Zissou style:

Steve Zissou: Hey intern, get me a Campari.
Intern #1: On the rocks?
Steve Zissou: [gives him the "gun" thumbs up salute]

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link | Comments (1)

It's Wednesday December the 13 around 6:01AM and

Vancouver Magazine's "Power-less 50"

But the Power 50 is quite a let down. Maybe we only need a power 25 or maybe a power 10, since most of the people on this list would hardly qualify as powerful in any other city. I mean David Baines (25) is a pretty good writer but let's not jump overboard here, he's not Walter Lippmann or anything like that. His personal highlight from the last year, "Having exposed some of the questionable claims behind Cold FX—the popular Don Cherry-touted herbal cold and flu remedy." Really? It screams power.

Sam Sullivan is #7. Because he is mayor? Come on. The hard hitting question he is asked, "What’s your best stress-reliever?" The answer: Mashed potatoes. Wow, it's times like these when you actually long for the tender hand of Mike Harcourt in a flower shirt back running the city.

And tied for most powerful? CEO of Translink Pat Jacobsen and Minister of Transportation Kevin Falcon. "There’s little doubt that transportation is the central issue of the day, or that the minister’s the dominant force shaping the city’s transportation future. The province brought TransLink into this world, and Kevin Falcon has the power to take it out." Right, well I guess that settles it then. With all that power you'd think they could get the Skytrain to work in the snow, or enough buses out there. Sadly, no. But I guess when an accompanying article features the corny hosts of Urban Rush, Michael Eckford and Fiona Forbes, calling them the " reigning couple of Vancouver chat" you realize the whole power "issue" is a bit much.

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link |

It's Wednesday December the 13 around 6:00AM and

The Vancouverite Holy Crap Gift Guide: Wii

I generally don't like video games. Sure, about once every three years 15 minutes with some sort of shoot 'em up game can be a nice release. But basically I kind of stopped playing video games just after Sega. I know. Mostly they seem very complex. Last week I was in Toronto and had the chance to play with the Wii - Nintendo's newest game console. And there is a lot to like.

First I just like their "Wii would like to play" commercials. They are damned good.

Second, I just read Marty Neumeier's new book, "Zag" and it certainly is a radical differentiation from PS3 and Xbox. (So for my money an even better present might be this book. Cheaper too.)

Lastly, this goofy game box and the controllers make it both easy to play and fun. Even for an idiot like me. Sure the graphics are a little cheesy, but that's not the point. PS: 1/2 the price of PS3 means no wonder people are doing this.

MORE:
*"Why You shouldn't buy the Nintendo Wii" [Slate]
*"The Nintendo Wii is better than the PS3 and the XBox 360" [Slate]

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link |

It's Tuesday December the 12 around 9:18PM and

The Vancouverite Top 15 Albums Of 2006

Here is our list from Number 15 to Number 1. No explanations, just an MP3 from each album. Listen to them, they should explain everything.

15) Tokyo Police Club - A Lesson In Crime (Cheer It On)

14) Cat Power - The Greatest (Willie)

13) Midlake - The Trials Of VanOccupanther (Roscoe)

12) Malajube - Trompe-L'Oeil (Montreal-40ºC)

11) Peter, Bjorn & John - Writers Block (Amsterdam)

10) Pheonix - It's Never Been Like That (Consolation Prizes)

09) Neko Case - Fox Confessor Brings The Flood (Maybe Sparrow)

08) The Dears - Gang Of Losers (You And I Are A Gang Of Losers)

07) Band Of Horses - Everything All The Time (The Great Salt Lake)

06) TV On The Radio - Return To Cookie Mountain (Province)

05) Candy Bars - On Cutting Ti-Gers.. (The Flood In Your Old Town)

04) Beirut - Gulag Orkestar (Brandenburg)

03) Joanna Newsom - Ys (Emily)

02) Destroyer - Destroyer's Rubies (European Oils)

01) The Most Serene Republic - Phages (Jazz Ordinaire)

Posted by Graham MacInnes | Link | Comments (1)

It's Tuesday December the 12 around 7:30AM and

The Vancouverite Holy Crap Gift Guide: Lost Action Figures

At Golden Age Collectables (850 Granville) - a place where you literally need to shower or at least do some serious Purell-ing after visiting, to clean the nerd/geek scent off of you - had some kind of crazy Lost action figures. Well, maybe "action" is a stretch if this Shannon version is any indication. But when you can get the hatch boxed set, who cares. Well these toys could help you pass the time until the February 7th kick off of the next 16 new episodes.

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link | Comments (1)

It's Tuesday December the 12 around 7:28AM and

Smug Mac 'n Cheese vs. Dirty Mac 'n Cheese

Over at Urban Diner, Lorna Yee in her latest Food Porn column writes about a Mac 'n Cheese cook off and gives her own recipe. It's a little dissapointing. Don't get me wrong, the Mac n' cheese sounds more than great, it's more that there just isn't any photos of Lorna actually making said awesomeness. Tease.

The amount of bacon and cheese and cream is pretty amazing, but lets get real, it is no $55 Mac and Cheese at the Waverly Inn in New York. It's 55 bucks because of the mountain of shaved truffles over it. Now that is, smug. "To its credit, the Waverly gave the couple several free glasses of vino. The price probably works out in the end, considering the waiter came by and sneezed caviar in their wine." [More at Eater]

All I can say is, You just knew Graydon Carter had to be involved here. Totally smug. [More smug Graydon Carter here]

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link | Comments (4)

It's Tuesday December the 12 around 7:27AM and

The Vancouverite Drinking Game, Canucks Edition!

So the Canucks are 14-15-1 and a spectacular 2-8-1 against the division. Constantly trying to claw your way out of last place…neat goal. Honestly, they’re like the slow kid at school that everyone runs by and kicks. Then the kid gets confused, thinks it’s a fun game and starts kicking himself. COME ON. Are they even trying to win anymore? The only time these boys pull off a W is when the other team totally fucks things up. And even then you can actually see the surprise on their faces when they manage to score.

The worst part of the Canucks’ season though is not all the losing. It is that they are boring. I mean, I may be able to get on board with this whole underdog thing if they could at least lose in style. Say the Sedines get drunk before the game and score on Luongo. Now that would get people excited about hockey again.

Continue reading "The Vancouverite Drinking Game, Canucks Edition!" »

Posted by Katherine, The Vancouverite Canucks Blogger | Link |

It's Tuesday December the 12 around 7:25AM and

Disturbing Holiday Memories, December 12th Edition

And more classic Clark W. Griswold. Classic.

1. Can you even believe that Steamworks has both a short version and a longer, directors cut three minute and 16 second version of this awful New Years Eve party video up at You Tube? Bwhahahahahahahaahahah!

2. If you have the chance, messing around on 30 Rock's website this week, you can get Alec Baldwin to email or call your friends with some sort of targeted messages. It's just the right amount of creepy, and Baldwin is on fire these days.

3. Best Week Ever summed the following clip up with this, "If there’s one thing your semi-apocalyptic post-Holday Party scotch-soaked Monday afternoon hangover needs, it is this:" Now you totally want to click it don't you?

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link |

It's Tuesday December the 12 around 7:21AM and

Canucks vs. Coyotes: Everything is going to be okay

Hot off thier last game lost, The Canucks faced off against long time rival the Calgary Flames at the Saddledome Saturday and came up short, again. Last night the Canucks website seriously tried to pull this tease/bait & switch on us, "Trevor Linden will attempt to lead a refreshed Canucks attack against the visiting Phoenix Coyotes Tuesday. Vancouver's offence has produced seven goals in the past two games - a win over the Hurricanes and a loss to the Flames." Tonight they face Phoenix and former Defensive player Jovo at GM Place. [Game Preview]

And the above video is the cutest thing ever, as Vancouver Canucks fans try to maintain the fact that everything is indeed going to be okay. I hear James Baker and Lee Hamilton fresh from their Iraq Study Group tour are ready to investigate the Canucks lack of scoring in an exciting "Canucks Study Group".

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link |

It's Tuesday December the 12 around 7:01AM and

Vancouver Papers: Fake Holiday Dramas

The Sun keeps the panic and fear going with "Forecast points to a hairy week ahead". "The high winds that left 190,000 homes without power and caused commuter gridlock on Monday are likely to strike again this afternoon, and then again on Thursday, Environment Canada forecasters have warned."

The Province follows suit with a cover proclaiming "Wind Warning". "Batten down the hatches. Another storm is due to blast into B.C. today, following a big blow yesterday that knocked out power to 190,000 B.C. Hydro customers"

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link |

It's Monday December the 11 around 8:02AM and

Buzz Dump: Morning Euro-Trash Pop

Monday should really start off with some crazy Euro-pop. And after reading this review at Perez Hilton who is mostly posting about himself these days, i was hooked: "It's like cheese in a can. We feel really naught about eating it, but every once in a while it's fun to have a Britney Spears moment." And seriously the Tron-esque theme is kind of pretty totally awesome. Catchy, non?

*The new film from the makers of Shaun of the Dead have a new one, Hot Fuzz. You can get the trailer action here.

*Please tell me I'm not the only one is just sick of Angelina and Brad? Especially when they are posing for photos in front of one of the greatest houses ever.

*Even I think this is priceless. Wonkette summing up the situation in Iraq in one picture, "So this is pretty much why we’re losing the war in Iraq."

*Top 10 reasons Gwyneth Paltrow might be right.

*Bookslut offers the best covers of 2006.

*Barney's is offering a pretty smug, pretty cool, pretty ridiculous Limited Edtion Andy Warhol Campbell's Soup Can set. $48 will get you 4 cans.

*Mandy Moore really is the anti-Britney Spears.

*But its not a phone. The Helio. Crazy, creepy, and potentially fun?

*Reading Vanity Fair this week. Saw an ad for DKNY fragrances. The question: How exactly do you "experience the fragrance at DKNY.com" Still unclear. Very unclear.

*Best movie posters of 2006.

*It's been done, a lot, but SNL celebrates Mel Gibson's #1 Box Office Apocolypto with a recut trailer. "I smell bagels".

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link |

It's Monday December the 11 around 7:52AM and

Worst Christmas Song of All Time?

You be the judge. Or possibly just worst song of all time, period. Thank you Paul McCartney. Certainly a candidate for worst video of all time. That much is certain. Then again, don't look over here. Too late. [Via RetroCrush]

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link |

It's Monday December the 11 around 7:48AM and

Georgia Straight Watch: Heineken Ad Invasions

What can I say, I’ve been a tad bit busy working for the man recently and I haven't had time for my weekly check in with The Georgia Straight. As usual the lure of the City Single of the Week was just too much to take and here we go again with ‘The 5’ – a look at the best n’ maybe no-so-best of Vancouver's entertainment weekly. What can I say, I'm a Grinch.

5. See what happens when I take some time from riding The Single of the Week, they actually get more normal. Sure, Germaine is 39 (she's an 'oldie') and playfully confused ("92.3% straight, the rest bent") but other than her comment about Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth" she's oddly normal. What gives? I think this must be some kind of a trick.

4. Contender for best sentence in paper this week: "In any case, it does feature a bull mastiff with very large testicles. And the dog’s accent is perfect." (From the Van Wilder 2 review)

3. Unintentionally funny headline: "Impotent Canucks have to learn how to score". Learning that this article was actually about the Vancouver Canucks and hockey was a bit of a bummer, since it started out so strong.

2. Jurgen Gothe has kind of a red wine cheat sheet for the holidays, which is helpful as usual. And the descriptor of the Bonny Doon Big House Red - a favorite of ours - gets you this, "Plenty of prune Danish in the first taste settles into lots of deep red-berry flavours." Prunes, I can usually take or leave, but wines that taste of Danish are, well, good.

1. Don't go to the Straight's website. Just Don't. You will be attacked repeatedly with Heineken beer ads. Nearly every damned page of the site you get burned with beer bottle snowflakes that rain down on you while you read articles. This is a useless Happy Holidays message from the beer maker and I will slap the next person I know who drinks this beer in front of me.

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link | Comments (2)

It's Monday December the 11 around 7:45AM and

Guest Blogger: Anthony's Excellent Russian Adventure Part II

Our friend Anthony is currently in St. Petersburg, Russia and we are pleased to bring you his vodka soaked ramblings from the Mother Country for your morning reading pleasure.

"Into my second week in St.Petersburg, Russia. There is more backwards here than their alphabet. Today we shot some footage at this amazing military museum. It was full of tanks, guns, and missiles. Then I realized...most of these things were built to kill us. And Hitler. Well, one out of two ain't bad. There were school children running around and playing with some of the huge rocket launchers, which by the way were all pointed at "freedom".

At one point the army man who was watching us became extremely upset. With the help of a translator, and my "da" and "nyet" facial expressions, I understood why...

He did not like that we were shooting the older models of tanks. He thought we should be showing the newer and better capitalist killing machines. Then went into all of the specs...I lost him there. If someone’s giving me measurements they better be simple ones. 36-24-32 for example.

Continue reading "Guest Blogger: Anthony's Excellent Russian Adventure Part II" »

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link | Comments (3)

It's Monday December the 11 around 7:43AM and

Disturbing Holiday Memories, December 11th Edition

1. Can you even imagine waking up on Christmas morning to find Celine Dion under your tree singing trying to look, gulp, sexy. This could very well be the biggest lump of coal in all of history. I have a unified theory that Celine Dion is the worst advertising spokesperson in the world. Her work for Air Canada is still legend. Thank you baby Jesus.

2. The fact that BC Hydro has some wierd "people powered billboard" with a light up reindeer on it. Yes, that really does sound as stupid as all that. [Ad Rants]

3. Have you seen this? One more reason to completely loathe our transit system. As a friend coined late last week on a different topic, this could very well be in the 'lamestream'.

4. That ABC really tried to pull a special 2-hour Extreme Makeover Home Edition last night. No, I didn't watch the show, it is way too much for me. Ty Pennington is a real Grade-A clown. But here is what I did see, the TV listing on Shaw, "A home is built for the Ripattis whose police-officer mom was shot in the line of duty leaving her paralyzed from the chest down. Dad is a cop, too, and they have a baby daughter." It's like a show designed by TV execs purposely to prey on your tear glands. it's too much and things like this are the reasons we invented happy pills. Bah.

5. I made a serious mistake of going to the Future Shop on Granville and Robson Sunday. Too busy. Too full of people that don't go shopping, ever. Uncomforatable.

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link | Comments (1)

It's Monday December the 11 around 7:20AM and

Vancouver Papers: Injections, Canucks, Singles

The Province is particularly useless this morning. Monday is the worst paper day anyway. Ben Kuzma in the sports section goes for potential Canucks trade talk. "Trade Brendan Morrison for Mike Comrie. Deal Matt Cooke for Ryan Malone. Sign free-agent Jason Allison. You name it and Vancouver Canucks general manager Dave Nonis has heard it this season -- especially during his weekly radio exchange with furious fans."

24 Hours gives the cover to another attempted 'squat' yesterday by housing advocates. "ix people out of about 30 protesters were arrested when police moved in. The protesters, made up of a group called the Anti-Poverty Committee, say they're now setting their sights on the province to solve homelessness, after two previous squats targeted the City of Vancouver." The key word is 'solve' which seems like a stretch for any government. Meanwhile there is a really great article on "Being...single for the holidays" that offers up such great advice as "be jolly" and "leave the elves at home".

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link |

It's Sunday December the 10 around 9:08AM and

Vancouverite Best Albums Of 2006

We are busy hacking and slashing our lists to come up with what we think were the best albums of 2006. While we argue over that, we also want to know what our readers think were some of this years best offerings. So even though we rarely get comments here on the site, we want to either post your personal top 10 list in the comments section, or email us at vancouverite@thevancouverite.com. The readers who post the best lists will be featured on the site.

Posted by Graham MacInnes | Link |

It's Friday December the 8 around 8:46AM and

Guest Blogger: Anthony's Excellent Russian Adventure Part I

Our friend Anthony is currently in St. Petersburg, Russia and we are pleased to bring you his vodka soaked ramblings from the Mother Country for your morning reading pleasure.

"Russia. What can I say? Sorry about that whole "communist" thing...but would it kill you to smile?

Most tourists I've ever met in Vancouver just smile and nod like an idiot when they've tried to ask me "where time chicken"? I usually smile back, and simply point in a randomly selected direction, and say "the pony midnight". They thank me for not ignoring them, we go our seperate ways and we both make fun at how ignorant and uncivilized the other is. It's a sweet deal.

Now, I'm that tourist...with that dumb look on my face smiling saying the three words of russian I know, then getting frustrated and start playing a game of charades all the while instictively blurting out words in my own language...which for the first time in my life is useless to me. Unlike my morning karate dance fighting.

Continue reading "Guest Blogger: Anthony's Excellent Russian Adventure Part I" »

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link | Comments (12)

It's Thursday December the 7 around 8:22AM and

Thursday Robot Chicken You Tube Filler Post-squared

I always suspected Barney was nuts.

Like it or not this is actually pretty cool.

Posted by Luke McCullum | Link | Comments (4)

It's Wednesday December the 6 around 3:14PM and

Just Say Yes

Please tell me that someone else remembers this *amazing* anti-drug PSA. Because of this ad I have always wanted to buy drugs from the underside of a garbage can lid while dancing around in leg warmers. This explains so much of who I am today. Wow.

Posted by Josee Thibault | Link | Comments (5)

It's Wednesday December the 6 around 3:02PM and

TVI: Vancouver news so fresh you could brush your teeth with it

Richmond is upset about the Canada Line bringing them criminals. Apparently they don't have any and want to keep it that way. Or maybe they are all stocked up? I mean when was the last time you read about crime in Richmond...did I say that right?

West Vancouver Police Force is falling apart. Lighting off fireworks, having staff parties and getting drunk and driving drunk. Spending money poorly. Abusing services because they have the power. Damn this Liberal government...I mean West Vancouver Police Force. Why is this an issue?

Richmond criminal pirating DVD movies, again. Let me do the math here. Man makes $15K a month stealing. He gets fined $11K for doing it. He is not behind bars. Is this guy a genius or is our justice system really that pathetic. Can anyone let me know how to get this kind of business started. Thanks.

Pickton Trial. Murdering scum costs the taxpayers millions, and now a handful of those same taxpayers will have the role as juror. $10 a day to be a juror. $10 a day to not see your family. $10 a day to pay your rent? $10 a day to pay your bills? I am sure you can cancel your car's lease, or your cell phone contract, oh wait you can't. Guilty until proven innocent yes, but you won't find 12 people in this city that DON"T want to see him hung right now. Good luck finding those unbiased citizens that have been living in a hole for the last 4 years.

Smile! you're on public transit. Drivers have been pushing for cameras on transit for some time. I think this doesn't need to be tested out and should in fact be applied to all transit vehicles, trains included. Then not only is it used for the purposes of keeping the drivers safe, or catching the dirt bags that assault them, but it could be a TV show! That would be super. Then people could see themselves keep their head down when a pregnant lady or elderly person gets on so they don't have to relinquish their seat. They could see what scum they truly are and that I haven't been making this shit up.

Yay more Gay Marriage Debate. People are dying all around the world every day because of Gay Marriages. Our homeless population surges every time two men or woman look each other in the eye and say "I Do". Our Economy gets a swift kick in the nuts every time two men or woman so happily in love apply for a marriage license. Who REALLY feels the burning desire to stand in the way of two people that love each other regardless of the total combined penises in the relationship. It's a real fucking sorry state of affairs in this world that this is or ever has been an issue to be voted upon. BTW, are woman still not allowed to vote?

Posted by Luke McCullum | Link |

It's Wednesday December the 6 around 10:30AM and

New Canuck's Casual Tees

Vancouver Canucks introduced three new awesome Casual Tees! Long sleeved in white, blue and depressing grey. Featuring realistic renditions from famed Vancouver Sketch artist Gord Swick.

Casual Tee 1. Taylor Pyatt lying on a gurney holding his shoulder in agony staring at a small TV highlighting the 4 - 0 loss they suffered that same night to the coilers.

Casual Tee 2. Salo sitting in a chair with his face in his hands listening to Pratt talking about the 4 - 0 loss they suffered to that same night. He isn't wearing a shirt, it's so hot.

Casual Tee 3. Rick Rypien leaning up against the entrance to the dressing room holding a large sack of frozen peas between his legs, stuffed high into his crotch.

This is sad. I may try for the first time ever to scalp my Canucks tickets. I have a ticket for Friday against the Hurricanes and being at a losing game is such a downer. I can only hope someone starts a fight with me.

Posted by Luke McCullum | Link |

It's Tuesday December the 5 around 9:05PM and

Come a long way

Posted by Luke McCullum | Link |

It's Tuesday December the 5 around 5:31PM and

Damn You Tube Family Guy Clips

It's a god damn virus...it's web cancer...

Posted by Luke McCullum | Link |

It's Tuesday December the 5 around 7:39AM and

To The Vancouver Canucks, With Love

The opener of Brad Ziemer's Vancouver Canucks story about last nights 4-0 blowout loss to Edmonton.

"Here's an idea on how to solve the Canucks' chronic goal-scoring woes.Their offensive numbers certainly wouldn't be the worst in the NHL if they could count the shots that bounce off their own players and past goalie Roberto Luongo."

HEH.

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link |

It's Tuesday December the 5 around 6:50AM and

A few Holiday Memories, December 5th Edition

Lets just start off this day with a couple of short rants - and the above video explains much. Ho Ho Ho.

1. Advertising agency TBWA is clearly insane - I've met some of these people, they roll hard. But seriously it's holiday party season and this video is a good indicator of what is basically going on. But did anyone but me try to find a cab this weekend? Holy crap. Did the snowfall or water spore scare wipe out like 1/2 the cities cabs or what? Friday night was ridiculous, as was Saturday. I hate you Vancouver cabs. You are useless. [via Consumerist]

2. But when the cabs failed on Saturday, and slummed it briefly on a bus - worst. idea. ever. - down Hastings St. (Don't ask) something magical happened. Miracle on 34th Street? There was an amazing guy with a crazy mullet hair cut wearing the most incredible bad assed He-Man "Masters of the Universe" satin jacket in the whole lower mainland. It looked like this one. Mullet + He Man Jacket = Amazingness. And here are 14 Life Lessons from He-man. I bet that Jacket wearing dude lives his life by these rules.

3. As we know well, Granville Street is kind of a crazy mess on Friday/Saturday nights. But thank goodness they are cracking down on those cute girls who take drinks out of bars in their purses and drink them on the street. You know who you are especially the ones who break them on Nelson St. As i was finally getting a cab for a couple of friends I saw another friend in front of Ginger 62 getting a ticket from the cops for drinking on the street. It was quite amazing. The cops clearly were enjoying the holiday spirit of ticketing a birthday girl. And why shouldn't they, it was hilarious.

4. Stop talking. Watch the Sin Destroyers' - the world's Christianest Rock Band - music video about Jesus saving Christmas or blowing it up. Either way this is perfect, and full of really fantastic beards.

5. Christmas Season 2006 is already ripe with just plain excellent gossip. This morning Gawker has the best three blind items, like ever. Particularly this part in particular: "WHICH hard-partying Hollywood starlet has club cocktail waitresses fueling rumors of rehab by whispering that the actress cuts her coke with strawberry Quik?" It's a Christmas miracle people, thank you baby Jesus.

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link |

It's Tuesday December the 5 around 6:40AM and

Pass Me Down the Shark Repellent Bat Spray

When this generations TV shows become as action packed and as thrilling as this clip, I might spend an hour watching something start to finish. I did catch the last 15 minutes of Heroes last night though and it was my first glimpse into the show other than what Jackson shares. I have to admit I liked what I saw. It's like Xmen/Power Rangers for adults.

Posted by Luke McCullum | Link | Comments (6)

It's Tuesday December the 5 around 6:38AM and

To Danny McGee, With Love

This is just plain fairly amazing. And it's so darn catchy. And the You Tube description, "Here is the Two Scoops of Raisin Bran Ad i know everyone is dying for" is bang on. Funny thing is, those crazy people at Kellog's are back running this ad which is, well, completely amazing. [More here]

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link | Comments (1)

It's Tuesday December the 5 around 6:36AM and

Tuesday Morning Cheese

This is amazing, and seriously the perfect way to start the day off. I have been waiting for this clip since i first saw it. And here it is. I give you the Family Guy and Chester Cheatah. Ahhhh...

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link | Comments (1)

It's Monday December the 4 around 7:04PM and

AAAIIIEEEEEE! Seven

If you like things that are stupid, slow and don't make sense too, then go download and install Internet Explorer Seven. Then go punch yourself in the face for downloading and installing Internet Explorer Seven.

If I am missing something please comment. If it works brilliant for you, which I suspect it does, tell me where to go. It's driving me bonkers. Maybe it's just not compatible with my copy of Tony Gee's Anti Virus: "187'em virus"

*UPDATE*
Issues I am experiencing:
- Takes approx 30 seconds to open IE. My computer can kick your computers ass so it's not a hardware thing.
- Took me an hour to write this rant. I press a letter on the keyboard, it takes 2 seconds to show up. I could write a whole line and then it slowly comes up in front of me letter by letter.
- When I try to stream porn from a site it is choppy if it even shows up, IF I can even log in.
- Fire fox works like a charm as does everything else when I have IE closed.

I will uninstall it when I get home this evening. Might give it a go again if I can find something on the boards.

Posted by Luke McCullum | Link |

It's Monday December the 4 around 5:27PM and

Just a Bit Off The Top Please

I was having this discussion with a co-worker who is soon to be the father of a pre-determined baby boy. As a father I have been through it all already and am a pro, as you will.

He asked for advice and I was expecting:
- "What kind of Stroller should I get?"
- "Do you still, you know....do it?"
- "What's the, you know...milk taste like?"

I was prepared for these questions as these were my specialty, having asked everyone I knew before I had one. But he asked about Circumcision and that caught me off guard. His prenatal course teacher and his medulla oblongata or whatever told him that circumcision is the devil. These rather pushy opinions coming from non other than females.

Follow the link to read more about circumcisions:

Continue reading "Just a Bit Off The Top Please" »

Posted by Luke McCullum | Link |

It's Monday December the 4 around 6:57AM and

Save the Cheerleader, Save the World

Um. Ya. Okay so there is a 5-minute preview of tonight's Heroes episode. Not sure how much work is going to be getting done today with this looming.

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link |

It's Monday December the 4 around 6:55AM and

Time for a little Beer Ape

It's Monday. So I ask, why not. Apes are cool.

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link |

It's Monday December the 4 around 6:20AM and

Vancouver Papers: Dion vs Dion and More

The Sun is truly miserable this morning. When skiing is the featured story on the front cover you know nothing good can come of it. Mostly it is in the fact that the paper is really focused on the news of what happened over the weekend - the Dion Liberal Leadership victory in particular - that underscores the problem of newspapers in a digital world.

24 Hours tries for heavy Monday morning issue with a Call to Action. "One year after he was gunned down on a Vancouver street, Lee Matasi's family and friends are working hard to turn his violent death into something positive, and fighting to finish what Matasi had started - turning a neglected access tunnel into a skate-park oasis." Although the teaser for a page two story, Britnies undies which goes like this, "Britney Spears reportedly spent $3,800 on a whole bunch of new panties." I do also appreciate the page five Stephane Dion vs. Celine Dion comparisson. Don't forget the wisdom of Tamara Taggart in the weather section, "A bit warmer this week," Wow thanks Tarmara.

Posted by Jackson Murphy | Link |

It's Friday December the 1 around 1:57PM and

I'm Still in love wit chew

Transit sucked this week but I wouldn't lay blame on Translink for the performance. 24Hours readers wouldn't shut up about it though, negative jerks. Seriously what company could double their volume during harsh weather and keep things running perfectly? I don't think any could. We should be thrilled we made it from point A to B in one piece.

I think what Transit failed to do though was win over potential new riders. Those that wouldn't normally take transit but during snowy weather chose not to brave the streets. These could have been future park and riders, but now don't have the kind of faith in the system to get them to work on time and home within a reasonable hour. What a shitty first impression of what is normally a decent commute.

Though you have some shortfalls, I am still in love with you transit. Actually it's more a love-hate relationship. I love you, I just dislike many of the other riders.

Posted by Luke McCullum | Link |