Strongly Worded Letters
It's Wednesday December the 20 around 6:46AM and
Maybe no one has ever spoken out against her because they are scared. She seems to be a real bitch and as they go, no one wants to stand in their wake and tell one off. I will.
She just killed all these trees. I am sure baby birds are dead too as their nests fell to the ground and exploded. She also messed up everything real bad a few weeks back with the snow. No one pointed the finger then either. We have to unite as one and tell her to leave and never come back. We do this by paving over the green with a coat of fresh asphalt.
Oddly enough the tree huggers that opposed the trees getting cut down in Stanley Park for the Aquarium, are NOT up in arms with conspiracy theories about how the Aquarium and Dr. Nightingale were behind the wind storms. It;s okay when man isn't the culprit apparently.
Anyways...
Continue reading "A Strongly Worded Letter Because "She" is Coming Back For More" »
It's Friday November the 17 around 12:00PM and
I watched the news last night regarding the local water issues. My favorite part of course was the fact some well known coffee shop shut down because they couldn't keep up with the need for filtered water. Is this because they have been giving us tap water all along? Well there wasn't a filter outage so I would say you better believe they were.
I don't drink coffee there any more because the Coffee Cup Cafe below my office charges the same price and I get better coffee which supports a family, not a conglomerate. I just had a grilled ham and cheese sandwich there, and a free trade organic coffee and am ready to spew in the forthcoming Strongly Worded Letter.
Continue reading "A strongly worded letter to a mermaid" »
It's Wednesday November the 15 around 1:58PM and
This entry may be an abuse of power, but I don't care. I have worked for the past year with a lovely man by the name of Derrick who has been a fabulous boss. Not only is he a delightful person, but he has put up with any number of ridiculous comments and ideas on my part. So yay Derrick!
Did I mention that I have a performance review with him tomorrow and he reads The Vancouverite? Shameless.
It's Thursday November the 9 around 2:21PM and
I am sick and tired of protestors. I can understand there is those that need help because they can't speak up and I understand there are cases where cruelty has run rampant. What I don't understand is why some would believe that an Aquarium with a solid history would be a horrible place for an animal. I would get it if we never hear about people shooting bears, or boats killing whales or the continued rape of the ocean period.
But that happens anyways so god forbid there is a place where animals have around the clock medical care, fresh food, safety and security and most likely a really good pension plan, which for animals would mean not rotting away while seagulls pick at you.
Here's a letter to those opposed to the Aquarium expansion. Those that can't stomach the fact the majority of people want to see the plans come to fruition. Those that hate children and puppy's and the happiness of a complete stranger.
Continue reading "A Strongly Worded Letter to Those Protesting the Aquarium Expansion" »
It's Sunday October the 15 around 2:13PM and
http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=3159&SectionID=2&LayoutType=1
A friend forwarded this to me. Basically it is a Strongly worded letter to John Madden from Redskins Ethan Albright for giving him such an awful rating in his latest Madden NFL series.
His use of the four letter words is inspiring as seen here:
"I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is fucking bullshit and you should kiss my mother-fucking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80."
If this wasn't Ethan and was actually some idiot like me then it is still pretty great. I give it a 78 on the sweetness scale and 100 if it was actually written by Ethan.
What this letter really did for me was it reminded me that I need to start swearing way more...
It's Friday September the 22 around 2:08PM and
Should Lu Lu Lemon have to screen customers? Should anyone be allowed to walk in and buy their awfully stretchy clothing regardless of body type or, dare I say, species...(I'm a dead man for saying this stuff btw)
Here is a store that obviously didn't consider the entire public when they said let's make hot pants for already attractive people. Not, "Well there's some skinny girls out there, and there is some fatty's and some average girls, tall girls, short ones, pregnant girls, halfy's...uhhh yeah...let's just stick to baggy sweat pants shall we?, yeah no stretchy materials. Okay good, let's start making these things, okay great..." That's the conversation that should have happened...but it didn't. I think greed was the driving force here...Where the hell is Bill Hicks when we need him?
Read on...
Continue reading "A Strongly Worded Letter to Lu Lu...If That is Her Real Name" »
It's Friday September the 15 around 4:18PM and
Have you ever been to the Blockbuster on Oak and 17th? Have you been there so many times that you have had the opportunity to deal with the subject of this letter...if you found a certain employee there nauseating enough to make you want to vomit uncontrollably, then yes you know who I am talking about.
And if you want to borrow my copy of Breast Men, you know how to get a hold of me.
Read on cupcake, read on...
Continue reading "A Strongly Worded Letter to Blockbuster" »
It's Friday September the 8 around 12:52PM and
We never gave my son dairy because it always bunged him up down there something fierce. We assumed he had an allergy so we gave him soy ( which explains his raging emotions ). His doctor said that is utter poppycock and insisted we put dairy into his diet poste haste and just increase his fiber intake with ruff-age.
For about 3 weeks we had been giving him homo milk ( look Douglas and J, I said Homo ) and cheese, all infused with ice cream, whipped topping and some more cheese. Within a couple days you would swear there was a traffic accident in his little rectum and the poop was actually cars that had all stopped to see what happened, because nothing was moving, even after 10 days.
I went to London Drugs and asked for something strong to help him get this blockage out. The lady suggested some glycerin suppositories. Then when she explained how that works and where it goes I almost vomited all over the counter. Then she came back with this stuff called Peg 3350 from what I think was the restricted section of the pharmacy. I figured the 3350 meant they had tried 3,349 times previously to get it right, and now they did or it was made in the year 3350 and then transported back through time. Whatever it meant It must be wicked awesome.
There was no dosage suggested, no warning labels, so I used Google to find an answer. I figured since we didn't know what to expect I would take some just to test it out. Hilarity and near death followed swiftly:
Continue reading "A Strongly Worded Letter to London Drugs" »
It's Tuesday September the 5 around 12:50PM and
We have a new addition to already stellar Fall Initiatives. Strongly Worded Letters will feature real letters written to Vancouver Companies or Conglomerates with Stores in Vancouver. Apparently Jackson got the idea after writing a pretty hateful letter to Parliament asking where the hell all the French people are in France.
We figured that we are not alone in getting the shaft so hopefully you can use these letters and take select paragraphs from them that help you fight your cause. Maybe forming some kind of Supreme Ultra Worded Letter that will cause the reader's head to explode...wouldn't that be something. You can also comment on an issue that's grinding your gears and we will help you form a letter that is sure to get you some freebies or sued for threats of violence.
So to start off I have a letter to Home Depot. Whom was once my savior is now my cancer. Enjoy!
Continue reading "The Vancouverite Fall Season Addition: Strongly Worded Letters" »
