My wife knows Family guy so I can't watch it with the kids. She suspects our 4 year old understands Quagmire's ulterior motives but I don't. I could be watching Family Business on Showcase but I don't. Anyways at least I am spending time with the kids so don't judge me.
Luckily she hasn't clued into Robot Chicken yet, I tell her it's on Treehouse.
Cereal is not a laughing matter. It is serious business. So for those that don't get much variation, or are stuck eating stillborn chickens for breakfast, here is a handy countdown of the top cereals on the market last year.
Using the following scoring system:
10/10 Taste
5/5 Toys and included goodness/contests
5/5 Complete Lack of Nutritional Value
5/5 Ability to eat without Milk
5/5 Bowls per box
1/1 Price
10. Kellogg's Special K Red Berries Total Score 13/31
Highlights - Dehydrated fruit just like the astronauts eat
Downside - Box is too small, maybe 3 bowls full. Too much nutritional value here. It even smells healthy.
9. Cocoa Krispies Total Score 17/31
Highlights - Chocolate. Super Toys. 7 bowls per box. Fuckin super rice krispies squares.
Downside - Not hardcore enough, too childish.
8. Kellogg's Special K Vanilla Almond Total Score 18/31
Highlights - Nuts Almonds, stays super crispy. Makes great squares. Bigger box than it's fairy Red Berries partner.
Downside - Too much nutritional value. Kind of a girly cereal and box.
7. Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds Total Score 19/31
Highlights - The sheer awesomeness of the taste destroys the healthiness of it.
Downside - Oatmeal is cold cereal's bitter rival. So you are a fence sitter by eating this.
6. Frosted Flakes Total Score 22/31
Highlights - Got on this list because of sweet toys and even sweeter loads of sugar.
Downside - My teeth hurt after a couple bowls.
(note* - a low sugar version was produced but it tastes like plastic)
5. Golden Grahams Total Score 23/31
Highlights - So sweet. Like candy for breakfast wasn't the greatest thing ever.
Downside - You have to eat it in approx 63 seconds after coming into contact with milk or it goes soggy.
4. Post Oreo O's ( found stateside only unfortunately ) Total Score 25/31
Highlights - The creator of this cereal had some serious balls.
Downside - Can't find it in Canada. But you could just crush Oreo cookies and put in milk.
3. Kellogg's Smorz Total Score 27/31
Highlights - Makes good milkshakes - can be eaten anytime, anywhere.
Downside - Gets soggy way to fast - also hard to find in most stores.
2. Nesquik Total Score 30/31
Highlights - Cereal in chocolate milk seriously pwns cereal in regular milk
Downside - Eating without milk is totally pointless
1. Reese's Puffs Total Score 1,000,000/31 ( ridiculous yes, but then you have never tried them )
Highlights - This is what awesomeness tastes like as solid matter sprinkled with sheer delight. A viable cure for cancer and depression.
Downside - You won't find a bowl big enough
JK Rowling unleashed the new title of the last book. She finally went with this scary name - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Now as far as childrens books go that's as good a title as you will get if you don't go with one of my suggestions:
Harry Potter and the Curse of Puberty
Harry Potter and the Violent Monkey
Harry Potter and the Christian Overlord
Harry Potter and the Book Burning Sadist
Harry Potter and the Gossip Gansta
Harry Potter and the Premature Magical Explosion
I admit I have read some of the HP books and I know some of you might be shocked to learn I can read at all. I'm not the hardened man beast you might have thought. Though I do beleive that she is a great writer so regardless if the series was about young fluffer Harry Handjob, it still would have been thrilling. The movies would be way awesome though!! "You're a fluffer Harry, and a darn good one at that...Your dad was a fluffer and your mom was a bukkake star!"
Richmond is upset about the Canada Line bringing them criminals. Apparently they don't have any and want to keep it that way. Or maybe they are all stocked up? I mean when was the last time you read about crime in Richmond...did I say that right?
West Vancouver Police Force is falling apart. Lighting off fireworks, having staff parties and getting drunk and driving drunk. Spending money poorly. Abusing services because they have the power. Damn this Liberal government...I mean West Vancouver Police Force. Why is this an issue?
Richmond criminal pirating DVD movies, again. Let me do the math here. Man makes $15K a month stealing. He gets fined $11K for doing it. He is not behind bars. Is this guy a genius or is our justice system really that pathetic. Can anyone let me know how to get this kind of business started. Thanks.
Pickton Trial. Murdering scum costs the taxpayers millions, and now a handful of those same taxpayers will have the role as juror. $10 a day to be a juror. $10 a day to not see your family. $10 a day to pay your rent? $10 a day to pay your bills? I am sure you can cancel your car's lease, or your cell phone contract, oh wait you can't. Guilty until proven innocent yes, but you won't find 12 people in this city that DON"T want to see him hung right now. Good luck finding those unbiased citizens that have been living in a hole for the last 4 years.
Smile! you're on public transit. Drivers have been pushing for cameras on transit for some time. I think this doesn't need to be tested out and should in fact be applied to all transit vehicles, trains included. Then not only is it used for the purposes of keeping the drivers safe, or catching the dirt bags that assault them, but it could be a TV show! That would be super. Then people could see themselves keep their head down when a pregnant lady or elderly person gets on so they don't have to relinquish their seat. They could see what scum they truly are and that I haven't been making this shit up.
Yay more Gay Marriage Debate. People are dying all around the world every day because of Gay Marriages. Our homeless population surges every time two men or woman look each other in the eye and say "I Do". Our Economy gets a swift kick in the nuts every time two men or woman so happily in love apply for a marriage license. Who REALLY feels the burning desire to stand in the way of two people that love each other regardless of the total combined penises in the relationship. It's a real fucking sorry state of affairs in this world that this is or ever has been an issue to be voted upon. BTW, are woman still not allowed to vote?
It's a god damn virus...it's web cancer...
Transit sucked this week but I wouldn't lay blame on Translink for the performance. 24Hours readers wouldn't shut up about it though, negative jerks. Seriously what company could double their volume during harsh weather and keep things running perfectly? I don't think any could. We should be thrilled we made it from point A to B in one piece.
I think what Transit failed to do though was win over potential new riders. Those that wouldn't normally take transit but during snowy weather chose not to brave the streets. These could have been future park and riders, but now don't have the kind of faith in the system to get them to work on time and home within a reasonable hour. What a shitty first impression of what is normally a decent commute.
Though you have some shortfalls, I am still in love with you transit. Actually it's more a love-hate relationship. I love you, I just dislike many of the other riders.
Ahh sweet You Tube filler....
If J.K. Rowling was a 30 year old prepubescent Hollywood actor, this is what Harry Potter would be today...The students would be conjuring up cans of tap-ass and teacher-student naughty time relationships would flourish thanks to memory charms.
The only thing icier than the streets of the lower mainland right now is the glares of those riding the sky train at peak times these last few days. If you want to see what Vancouverites really look like, take a ride from Waterfront to Stadium at 5:30pm and you will wish you were only a tourist of this fine city.
Last night for example at waterfront an elderly man, though he didn't look old, just fat, yelled at a lady next to him for not giving up her seat to him. She quickly played the race card yelling back that he expects her to move only because she isn't white, she was Asian. She also brought up a great point that she wasn't sitting in an elderly/handicap seat so she shouldn't have to move. After all common sense and courtesy are only required when a sign is present. He was rude though and I felt bad for her, but race had nothing to do with it, simply enough, this winter sky train is making us all crazy. Snow brought us the dark ages folks, this really is chaos 2000.
I like Transit and I do it because I am able to and driving would make no difference in time, just sanity. You know a few years ago I had an interview with a man in black and he told me something that is so true I threw up when I choked on the awful thick and meaty truthfulness of it:
"A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it"We should get that painted on all the trains.
If we don't allow private clinics to open and serve those with the money then we should also ban BWM dealerships and Audi dealerships and Fancy restaurants ( So long Weenie ) and close Holt Renfrew’s doors to make way for a Wal-Mart. I mean if everyone can't afford it, then no one should have access to it. Who cares if you can afford it, there is someone out there that can't. So take your elitist front of the line expectations and stick them in your pampered poo hole.
Why is private healthcare so horrible? Why should Mr.X that pays $2,300 a month in Income tax plus MSP get the same care as Mr.Y the welfare deadbeat? They are both human beings and residents of this fine province, that's why. That should be enough. But if Mr.X goes to a private clinic isn't that one less bed being used in a hospital? Isn’t that him spending money here instead of over the border? That’s one less person in the long line for any number of surgeries and tests?
Before you get all huffy and pissy let me remind you that I don't have a clue why I should not be for private clinics. What does Jack Layton know that I don't and does this mean I am as smart as Gord? Enlighten me. Blind me with your light.And tell me where Vancouverites stand on this?
*Update* - I am not for or against private care. In fact I voted for this article being stupid.
I don't know the facts, all I know is that I do pay MSP and I do have $2,300 a month coming off my salary alone, not including what the wife who works at VGH pays ( wife thinks I am retarded for writing this BTW ). I have been to a doctors maybe 5 times in 15 years and twice was for a chocolate covered peanut making a nest in my sinuses. And I have always received exceptional service, I am not complaining.
I asked for feedback because I truly don't know why there would so many reasons to be against it. Don't judge me for my ignorance, judge me for my outer beauty or don't judge me at all. Do I have to remind you what column I post under....duh.
It just hit me that he is gone. Was watching this clip and never saw him like this, not in a humourous setting. Seeing really what the potential was, and perhaps I missed him doing bits like this for ages, but now that clip made it really hit home. I haven't cried like this since my son was born or when my first ever McDonalds McGriddle hit my lips.
I think we would have been good buds and now I want to destroy Bill Maher...what stage of grieving is this?
I can't not post this clip but by doing so I understand I am more or less spilling the fact I do regular searches on youtube for "boobs". Of course honey I wasn't though, I was searching for Bob Barker to do a sort of send off for him leaving the PIR. Best Misspelling Ever Dammit!
Can someone lend Belinda Stronach a copy of the Butterfly Effect starring that handsome scamp Ashton Kutcher, or explain the phenomenon? Apparently she doesn't quite understand that whole cause and effect thing or the term "Spiral out of Control" as her public life is doing now. I would suggest if that's not possible that you simply shut your pie hole, or should I say your Tie hole. People will forget you as your 15 minutes winds down to a close.
I don't agree with what she has been labeled though. I think McKay was offside and so was that douche Specter. But getting upset at Ralph Klein is making you look worse than anything. His rather funny punch was apparently not becoming of a public figure as you say. I am sure if he nailed a public figure's wife that would have landed him in your good graces instead. I think princess, that whole "Pot/Kettle Black" saying has never had a better subject than you.
I am sick and tired of protestors. I can understand there is those that need help because they can't speak up and I understand there are cases where cruelty has run rampant. What I don't understand is why some would believe that an Aquarium with a solid history would be a horrible place for an animal. I would get it if we never hear about people shooting bears, or boats killing whales or the continued rape of the ocean period.
Here's a letter to those opposed to the Aquarium expansion. Those that can't stomach the fact the majority of people want to see the plans come to fruition. Those that hate children and puppy's and the happiness of a complete stranger.
Continue reading "A Strongly Worded Letter to Those Protesting the Aquarium Expansion" »
Idiot 1:I have a heart and you would be surprised how much I have done personally for those less fortunate. Especially those that are hot and less fortunate and wear tight shirts. But you sir when you asked me for some change and you saw me carrying 6 bags of groceries and a 3 year old trying to gouge my eye out, you pretty much proved why you are living in an alley somewhere. No no no let me put everything down to get you some change genius, here can you hold my son so he doesn't run away while I sift through this lint for a quarter?
Idiot 2: This past Tuesday I noticed there was hundreds of kids out in the neighborhood knocking on doors. At first I thought this was a serious mass home invasion by some ruthless gang so I instinctively went for my gun, all of them midgets dressed as Harry Potter or Spiderman. Then I realized it's Halloween so I threw junior in his super bunny outfit, put the gun back under my pillow and we went out looking for candy. This goes out to the lady on Heather and 18th that gave my son a Christian Comic (tract) book for Halloween. Thanks Lady for making this night special. I took junior home and we burned all his dinosaur books and threw out his Curious George DVD because the mixed signals might make his tiny head explode.
Idiot 3: Thanks for commenting on my cologne. It's Called Subway foot long BMT. Who the hell comments on how a total stranger smells? Unless that stranger is sitting on your face, you keep your mouth shut and mind your own business.
Idiot 4: Everyone that hasn't seen Borat and has something negative to say. Also anyone that has seen Borat and has something negative to say. Both of you are idiots or at the very least, slightly less fun than a Christian tract. Unless you are Jewish or salute the Kazakh Flag then it's okay, you should be pissed off.
I'm a cereal freakazoid, maybe even a connoisseur. I eat cold cereal at least twice a day, sometimes more. I grew up on hot porridge and it sucked ass because it tasted like dirt, moist dirt to be exact. I didn't get any of the good stuff until I moved out and did my own shopping.
This is what I am currently eating for breakfast these days. It's great and I bet if you try it you will love it too. You will also love hearing the sounds of yourself getting fatter as you eat!
To start:
-Always freeze your cereal bowl for at least 30 minutes. It keeps the cereal crisper and the milk colder which is perfect for when you make your milkshake directly after.
Ingredients:
- Use Reese's Puffs Cereal or another sweet one. (I use my own home made cereal called "Butter Crunches")
- 6 cups homogenized milk or cut half and half cream with 2% because anything else is just sissy milk
- 1 cup Egg Nog
- 2 tbsp chocolate chips or Oreo crumbs. Either will work
Bon Appetit!
Olympic cities always get faced with the dilemma of where to put X number of ugly homeless people. Do we hire the Pied Crack Piper to lead them into the inlet to drown. No because that's a horrific idea. Charter some buses and haul them out of town like Atlanta did? Rent a warehouse and stash them in there for 3 weeks like they did in Salt Lake?
Here are my top five cheaper ideas for how best to deal with these little gems for three weeks, all without hiding them:
1. Can you say 5,000 Street mimes? I can, it's easy, say it with me!
2. DTES For A Day Tours. Rent one of our 5,000 experienced guides to show you the safer parts of Oppenheimer and the best places in the Square to score good meth for oral sex, or vice versa.
3. Did I mention 5,000 street mimes? That would get us in Guinness maybe? Is this not the same thing as teaching a man to fish or what?
4. 5,000 IV's + 5,000 cans of charcoal grey spray paint + 5,000 cement boots = 5,000 statues surrounding the city which further equals photo's and postcards galore! I can only imagine a tourist talking to themselves about the statue that smelled like vomit. As if the rest didn't.
5. Squatters Story Time and Foot Rub Down. Huddle up with our 5,000 story tellers to hear ephemeral stories of good times gone bad and get your painful stubbly's rubbed by one of our gloved derelicts.
A Dutch woman who had spent probably the last months of her life preparing for her death, passed away this week. She was old so it's kind of okay, though still sad of course.
She passed away at the cemetery beside her late husband's grave, directly in front of her own, which had her name already inscribed, just no end date. She had with her the last will and testament and what appears to be a program for her own service including the music she wanted played, which was oddly enough "I'll be missing you" by Diddy.
Who the hell gets that ready to die? I can't help but think that when this lady was alive, she would have made Martha Stewart look like a dirty color blind hobo with no opposable thumbs. I'll be sending this to my mom as well with an extra big ;-) winky wink all at the same time proving I really have no soul.
More and more I want to move to Dutchland if I could only find it on a map. When Dutch soldiers go to fight in Iraq they are accompanied by Dutch prostitutes. That shit is hot man!
That Diet Coke and Mentos phenomenon is sure something else huh? The only down side is that millions of starving people, and actresses, would have loved to get their hands on all that diet pop and candy. Nothing wipes out the smell of hunger like a minty fresh chew.
This is the new Eepy Bird experiment, the sequel to the first one which started it all. Pretty sweet.
This is the byproduct of making chemical reactions look awesome. Cleverly titled "diet coke mentos with my daughter". What's clever is the little girls face being blown right off in front of her idiot father. Well that doesn't happen but I am sure we will get to see something like it when Coke or EepyBird gets taken to court.
When Lukey Junior grows up he will be home schooled without TV or a Computer. If he is anything like his idiot father and has the chance, I am sure he will be all over making these cute and entertaining fun bombs. Hopefully the new cool includes uranium and glass jars of turpentine so while the world loses a few thousand idiots, my little idiot will be safe at home with all his thirteen fingers and toes, a byproduct of me experimenting with drugs as a young teen.
As you settle into your chair at work or if you’re an unemployed douche sitting at home, consider the following throughout the day.
As a parent of a young child we thirst for the next milestone because we assume the grass is always greener on the other side. That's a myth. Here are some greener's and browner's on that exciting other side:
1. Babies that can't move are far better than babies that can. You should cherish the days when baby is just a floppy head attached to an even floppier body. It's basically like feeding a pillow, how hard can it be. Much more difficult when they can move. Don't push them. Think how many pillows you have seen stick their frillies into an electrical outlet?
Continue reading "Early Morning Parental Advice From an Idiot" »
According to ICBC it is OK to crash into another car in November, or any other month except this one. This month is "No Crash Month". And since I usually get in a mild fender bender every other week, I haven't yet, so I am doing my part. Good thing they are spending millions on ridiculous ads and Prime Time TV spots. "Dude you can't drive drunk tonight, it's October...WTF is wrong with you?" That really is the conversation I had last night at the game with my buddy.
Also this is "Homeless Week", which means that during the other 51 weeks, everyone has a home and we shouldn't care. So today I will be giving the guy in the wheelchair on Cordova a shiny Toonie but next week I might only call him a dirty beggar. Perhaps I will even kick the little cup out of his hand and suggest he get a job.
Why the hell do we promote these special weeks, days or months? What an absurd society that we can't always be concerned about homeless people growing in numbers and/or starving in the wet and cold. Or that for one month you should give a rats ass about driving drunk or too fast or showing off your real sweet 'stang and how it burns out. My ECHO burns out bitch, every car does. Jesus!.
If we feel the need to promote abstaining from the unlawful or restraining ignorance for only a short while, why don't we have something actually doable. Something like "Zero Cigarette Butts on the Ground Month", or "Take Your God Damn 24 Hours Paper With You When You Leave the Skytrain Week", or "Don't Pinch Your Kid When They Eat All Your Candy Because They Bruise Easily And Daycare Will Question Mom And Then She Will Give You Shit For It And Then She Will Tell Her Mom And Then They Will Gang Up On You And Ask If You Really Want Your Kid Remembering You As Abusive Just Because He Ate The Candy You Certainly Didn't Need Anyways Fatty Month." I could actually use a reminder like the last one.
I take transit every day. It's fun. It's made me fall in love with Vancouver all over again. I mean you can actually smell the compassion oozing out of the Skytrain's riders. It's true, you can smell it, because compassion on transit tends to smell a wee bit like a mixture of rotting celery and prawns.
If I sat in Malcolm Brodie's chair, or in his lap, here are some things I would do:
- Skytrain doors open out-wards really really fast, like lightening fast...no more sissy doors sliding to the side. Then for those that feel the need to stand with their nose right at the door obstructing those trying to get off, you will likely miss that train while you deal with that jelly donut you used to call your face.
- I would write a common courtesy pamphlet in every known language. Maybe include some pictures of what a pregnant lady looks like. Or maybe what a person with crutches might look like or even an elderly person because apparently the vast majority of riders haven't a freaking clue. I will never sit on a bus or train again because I am not physically stressed and need to sit. 80% of people sit while they work, so why would you need to sit on your way home to go and sit some more? I am a fat pig of a man and I don't feel the need to sit. I also stand taller than the ceiling on the train, yet I choose to stand. F**kers, you make me so mad.
- Backpacks bigger than 4 gallons must be strapped onto a rack outside the bus. If your bag is that big then you are probably a hobo or nomad anyways therefore no one cares about you and your belongings. You smell like garbage anyways and whatever that is living in your pocket, it just gave me the evil eye.
One of the most depressing, yet humorous, stories I have read in months was in the Province today, also on News1130.com here. The article tells of a Coquitlam man that fell for a Chinese email scam. An ALL CAPS letter promising a big windfall for doing jack shit, just acting as a transfer point for $100K. Similar to the Nigerian Scam, the Coca Cola Scam or the letter from Health Canada telling me that I have a new strain of a Herpes/HIV blend. Something called the Herve. Good one...whoever sent that.
I can understand the bank taking back the $100K from this poor dude. But why is he left bankrupt now and why when I have deposited checks over $10K I had to wait two weeks for them to clear, yet his $100K goes through swiftly? You would think that when a Teller gets a check for $100K put in his/her hands and she doesn't think to raise a red flag or say "Sir for your own protection can you give us some background on what's going on here." Instead they don't, they are mindless drones that could care less about you and should be held just as responsible for the cash.
I don't watch the Trailer Park Boys because I don't have time and don't really like TV. I have a hyperactive attention deficit disorder child that would make a hummingbird look like a sloth, a dead one at that. Because of this, sitting through 5 minutes let alone an hour of the same thing hasn't happened in over a year. Just have to thank god every day that porn still does its trick in less than two minutes.
Continue reading "Trailer Park Movie Will Die Like SOAP Did, If You Let It" »
Every so often a man comes along (Robert Rainford, Ron Howard, Jessica Simpson's Dad, etc..) that makes me think about jumping off the "good ship hetero" and onto the deck of the "man love dingy". I'm talking about Prince Lorenzo Borghese, the new bachelor on that crummy show the Bachelor.
I guess the problem is in getting him to swing this way, or both ways. I guess I might have to pitch a few sliders first to see if he can even hold a bat, or maybe see the current balance in his checking account.
These might not make the cut to be Olympic Mascots though my son already has a Sticky and Roley doll set. He stepped on Sticky and we had to rush him to emergency. Roley only scratched the paint off our car door before spitting on the windshield.
My Sissy Ideas:
1. Earth, Water, Fire and Wind.
Because the elements are what makes Vancouver great. You can swim in the ocean, golf on a world class course and go skiing all in one day. That's awesome, I love this place!
2. Sequoia and Cedar.
Two happy go lucky trees because trees make the province so wonderful.
3. Spirit and Cinnamon. Calgary did bears for their games and we should too. For spirit bears and other bears that are all different shades of brown.
I think these could be a contender...if not though I have some backups after the link:
Continue reading "The Vancouver Idiot: Proposed Olympic Mascots" »
This is weak and I know it is. I elaborated on some things to help form visuals and mood and make my life look more exciting, because it's not. For example, the pregnant lady was actually a homeless guy and I don't have stage fright, I am actually a woman.
Jackson asked that I not take up so much space on the site so for now on you can find the gist of my junk, following the link...
Continue reading "TVI: Stage Fright, The Other Jerk in the Echo, and Running Whilst Pregnant" »
There must be more to this Border Guard story than the media let out. It just makes better news that this Country's *first* line of defence has the will of wet toilet paper. The Border Guards are part of a union though and you do as you are told in a union. I bet many would have stayed if given the choice because it's true that people aren't going to respect them anymore even after they get their guns.
Hopefully a Guard or someone with the answer speaks up because some people as stupid as me might disregard their power in light of these events. I might say something to a guard next time I cross like "Hey tough guy, would you run if killer bees were heading up here?" or "If a homicide suspect was on a train going 225km and it left a Portland station at 7:30am, at what time would you and all the other border guards run into a corner and pee yourselves?"
Imagine if everything was settled in the ring or the octagon. "Oh you think this site is like a Badly Written High School Paper? Thanks for the feedback, now shut up, put this helmet on and protect your satchel because I'm going to violate you in front of an audience."
I don't like your movies Uwe because I am scared of the dark, I sleep with a bicycle helmet on to protect my brains from zombies...But I have great respect for you as a person now.
Should Lu Lu Lemon have to screen customers? Should anyone be allowed to walk in and buy their awfully stretchy clothing regardless of body type or, dare I say, species...(I'm a dead man for saying this stuff btw)
Read on...
Continue reading "A Strongly Worded Letter to Lu Lu...If That is Her Real Name" »
Continue reading "TVI: CBC Chair Resigns Despite Being so Damn Awesome" »
It was a light week...I had some US frozen spinach so I was sick with the runs...green runs...
Idiot 1. This could be a toss up as to whether I am the idiot here or you are. You are in a wheelchair so it's unlikely people vote for you. All I asked was if you thought it was appropriate that handicap people have to pay for two transit fares because you take up so much god damn room on the sky train. Then as you started to boil I thought asking if you took that thing off any sweet jumps lately would calm things down, I was wrong. You flipped out, obviously though in your case you can't really flip out, or can you... I guess you would have to be going pretty fast huh? Yeah I think I take the cake here...
Idiot 2. I can understand that when you buy fruits and vegetables you want to make sure it smells right and feels good. Who wouldn't. But you groped that mango with your dirty calloused hands and when you sniffed it, it touched your beard, your beard for goodness sake and you weren't even a dude. You were breathing all over it, steamy grossness all over that mango. Then when you put it back with the others, you contaminated the whole lot, then you moved onto the gala apples. I think my EWWWW could have been much louder, you were so in the wrong here, you're such an idiot. A gross idiot, a gridiot.
Idiot3. If the Grocery Store wanted you to bring your 71 kids to shop with you, they would have a ball room or a storage locker to stuff them in. They are not meant to be in the aisle. The last jar of Nutella, sweet Nutella, and your offspring knocked it onto the ground which as you know is a double edged sword. I will not be eating Nutella tonight and that store did not get to sell it to me thus not making money, thus not thriving in this economy allowing them to order more Nutella. Get a babysitter or stop humping, or start doing it in other holes. Famidiots!
Don't eat US Spinach unless you want a week off work with the runs. One lady died, 94 others are seriously ill and millions with it stuck in their teeth. This stuff is deadly.
Bus Driver takes the law into his own hands and then gets strongly worded letter from his employers, also elderly victim offers herself as a reward. A Bus driver watches a thief lift a wallet from an elderly passenger. He darts off the bus and retrieves the wallet. Apparently rather disgusted to see the lady's purse was stuffed with ribbed condoms. Gross.
Olympic spending is getting out of hand. Whining about the budget is even worse. God forbid this city have any class or the ability to host a number of World Championship Events. Also the Sea to Taco Bell Highway has needed an overhaul for eons so put that in your bong and smoke it you hippies. Squampton must be thrilled with the new faster and safer highway.
Nut Job's from the states have created the US Border Backup. Should the Border staff not do their job, these Vigilantes will be sure to shoot you and your children if you make eye contact with them or look like a threat. They want everyone to know that "We are not racially motivated, whatever the hell that means."
Owner of pot cafe sentenced to 15 months in jail for selling, get this...Pot. A pot shop that doesn't sell pot, good one VPD. Glad to see anyone with a cash register and an open sign can get a business license.
Someone at St Paul's is going to fry for using equipment that just sat there in the dark. Someone with training was generating revenues for the hospital and using equipment that just sat in a dark closed room, with permission from the hospital, obviously. This is an outrage, absolute outrage.
Have you ever been to the Blockbuster on Oak and 17th? Have you been there so many times that you have had the opportunity to deal with the subject of this letter...if you found a certain employee there nauseating enough to make you want to vomit uncontrollably, then yes you know who I am talking about.
And if you want to borrow my copy of Breast Men, you know how to get a hold of me.
Read on cupcake, read on...
Continue reading "A Strongly Worded Letter to Blockbuster" »
My Stinky brethren, have I got a ploy for you that is so cunning you might wet yourself, again, in sheer excitement.
Your repetitive diatribe needs an extension. You ask for change, and we say we don't have any which is BS because we always do. What you should say is "Do you have any change...for a toonie?" Then we pull out our change without thinking and you say "Sorry, what I meant to say originally is "Can you spare some change." WALKING GOLDMINES YEAH?
Dude, it is perfectly okay for your significant other to put Justin Timberlake pictures all over the computer or on the wall, the fridge and even her wallet because that's just innocent fun, according to her.
It is apparently not okay for you to replace them with filthy, but still weirdly hot, girl on girl scat pictures no matter how freakin funny it actually is, to you. Trying to explain where you found those pictures will only sound like verbal diarrhea...believe it.
* Richmond Counsel thinks that our Airport should include their name, after all it is in Richmond. And just like the dump, Richmond is also a destination, not just for pirated DVD's, cheap faulty computer parts, getting lost, or risky food choices from the night market. People come for the acres of old growth trees and wildlife, and by trees and wildlife I mean ditches and concrete.
* ICBC wants to sue you if you steal a car. One particular addition to this project I would like to see is allow the accused, or convicted, to choose severe beating over restitution. That way if it was a crappy car like a Hyundai Pony, these scum can still pay their debt, in blood.
* Hippies are mad that the Aquarium has 32 trees slated to be removed for the proposed expansion. Let's see what the kids think, you know, tomorrows hippy. Junior says he wants to see the entire park become an Amusement Park completely void of trees altogether. You can't see it but I am nodding in agreement, ferociously.
* More Gay News from the Gay couple wanting to fill your kids head with gaynousness. I am all aboard the Gay Train to Fort Tolerance don't get me wrong, but I think there are groups that have a much tougher time than those lovable gays. When this goes through, how long before Canadian Muslims, Canadian Asians and more cultures want their own course covering the subject of tolerance. Lump it all together.
* BioDeisel...yummy. This stuff is so hot and exciting and if in five years if this isn't being served in school cafeterias, then we have no conscience when it comes to the environment. Cars and trucks like it too apparently, but I love it.
*Heritage Christian Online School is pushing it's crack on BC Youths. The BC Govt passed a law allowing BC students to take online courses so it was only a matter of 4.3 minutes before they started spreading out letters to other schools advising their students take these courses or burn in hell. If kids take these courses, and the mandatory Gay is A-Okay course, they will explode.
This has nothing to do with Vancouver but it's bizarre. I didn't know Mr. Hubbard allowed this kind of activity on his spaceship?
Idiot 1. Lady if you let your teen daughter dress like a ho, people are going to treat her like a ho. But then again, if she is going to look even remotely like you do in the future, just like death if death was pushing 400 pounds, you may as well let her show some skin now. Just don't get your enormous panties in a bunch because some...uh...guy was staring at her...uh...stuff...You ma'am are an overbearing idiot.
Idiot 2. Mr. Bus Driver. I appreciate you letting Mr.Homeless Man on the bus because I know some of these people can't walk all the way from Burrard to Seymour. What I don't understand is why you let him on with 4 half full containers of pop from various fast food joints ticked under his arm, AND a handful of cigarette buts. What bothered me the most is that he was evidently happier than I am and he knew that, smug homeless bastard.
Idiot 3. You were smoking on the sky train platform because apparently you couldn't read the sign that said red circle surrounding cigarette with red cross through it. I could care less that you smoke but I am not sure the very pretty and obviously pregnant lady in the nurse scrubs appreciated that you lit up beside her. I hope that when you do get lung cancer it spreads to your ass first and the cancer's first order of business is too grow itself over your asshole causing you to have to pass fecal matter through your pee hole. Then I would give you some Peg 3350, idiot.
Idiot 4. Dude, welcome to Vancouver dude. Do you have all your other hippy friends in that mammoth backpack? It was big enough to fit an average family in there. You smelled like a petting zoo too so I know it wasn't full of clothes or soap, so why did you need to haul it on the sky train at 8:30am? Did you have to be at work at 9am like the rest of us? Work? BWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Idiot 5. If you don't have children and you feel this dying need to comment on someones parenting skills, then you my friend, are an idiot. Only if you have kids of your own can you tell a complete stranger that they are miserable at raising their young. I tell people every chance I get that they are half the parent I am. Not because they did something wrong but because it honestly makes me feel better about the job I am doing.
We never gave my son dairy because it always bunged him up down there something fierce. We assumed he had an allergy so we gave him soy ( which explains his raging emotions ). His doctor said that is utter poppycock and insisted we put dairy into his diet poste haste and just increase his fiber intake with ruff-age.
For about 3 weeks we had been giving him homo milk ( look Douglas and J, I said Homo ) and cheese, all infused with ice cream, whipped topping and some more cheese. Within a couple days you would swear there was a traffic accident in his little rectum and the poop was actually cars that had all stopped to see what happened, because nothing was moving, even after 10 days.
I went to London Drugs and asked for something strong to help him get this blockage out. The lady suggested some glycerin suppositories. Then when she explained how that works and where it goes I almost vomited all over the counter. Then she came back with this stuff called Peg 3350 from what I think was the restricted section of the pharmacy. I figured the 3350 meant they had tried 3,349 times previously to get it right, and now they did or it was made in the year 3350 and then transported back through time. Whatever it meant It must be wicked awesome.
There was no dosage suggested, no warning labels, so I used Google to find an answer. I figured since we didn't know what to expect I would take some just to test it out. Hilarity and near death followed swiftly:
Continue reading "A Strongly Worded Letter to London Drugs" »
*Make sure you turn your engine off when waiting to pick up the kiddies from school. You may be subjected to a $50 fine or 6 months in jail. All depends on whether you tell the cop to go fuck himself first and go fight real crime.
*The Vancouver Police Force is concerned with two recent beating delivered to street people. When the VPD was asked what they plan to do about it, they replied "As soon as we get this idling problem taken care of, we will be all over it"
*Credit Card Scams are sweeping the city. If someone from a Card Company playing the role of Security and Fraud investigator calls, you tell them to go die. When the VPD was asked what they plan to do about it, they replied "As soon as we get this idling problem taken care of, we will be all over it"
*Bus Driver attacks are increasing and Drivers are pissed nothing is being done to stop it. When the VPD was asked what they plan to do about it, they replied "As soon as we get this idling problem taken care of, we will be all over it"
* Fat Toddlers are more likely to become fat teens. Skinny toddlers are more likely to do hardcore drugs to stay slender. When the VPD was asked what they plan to do about it, they replied "As soon as we get this idling problem taken care of, we will be all over it"
I feel safer already that these scumbags aren't idling in their cars for more than 3 minutes. The worst part about this is kids in High Schools are pressuring other kids into sitting in their cars and leaving the engine running for more than 3 minutes. Apparently this is a real problem with Inner City youths. "Hey man can you keep watch while my friends and I idle for slightly more than a few minutes" I overheard that on my way home. Scares me that my kid may be an idler one day too.
Steve Irwin - He was not an idiot but some of the things he did would say otherwise. I was upset to read he passed away from a Sting Ray, I would have assumed he would die from choking on a grape or bad clams. Just not death by Wildlife. He had command over the Wild for Christ's sake. Here's the bastard responsible, or is it this one...I'm so confused.
He was a pioneer in doing idiotic stunts and for that I salute him. I tried wrestling a turtle into the toilet once because it was his time to move on and that was killer. I can't imagine pulling the stunts he did.
He has two young children and a lovely wife. Hopefully she hangs up her idiot hat and never ventures out into the wilderness like she and her husband had done so gallantly in the past
See you later alligator...
Some good news though this weekend that could cheer us all up. I discovered that cold cereal is ten times better if eaten out of a frozen bowl. Go put your bowl in the freezer and then chow down on your Reese's Puffs cereal. It's like heaven.
Idiot 1. You were driving down Thurlow with two kids in the back seat and you were smoking that cigarette with the smug look of invincibility. You deserve the most horrible bout of ass cancer that only an angry god can create. SUCH AN IDIOT!...
Idiot 2. You're dog is not more important than me and my kids time at the park. Your dog deserves the worst case of diarrhea that only an angry god can create. I will cry for your dog but smile that you are cleaning it up...good luck with that Safeway bag, maybe you should bring a mop next time. Idiot...
Idiot 3. That's a sweet car and that burn out was really great Magnum. I know that car is leased and I know you live at home and I know that if neither are true your still a flaming douche. I also am putting your Licence plate on Johnwatch because you look slimy enough to have picked up a pro only recently. Go get an echo like me and do your part or Al Gore will rip out your heart and use it as an alternative fuel. You're a super duper idiot...
Idiot 4. The guy with the coat hanger dragging the dead cat off the road. You left a big streak of cat guts and while your intentions were evidently good, you're still an idiot. It doesn't harbour crazy germs otherwise there wouldn't be a gazillion of them, just in my parents house alone. I hope to god it was dead before you got to the scene. Partial idiot...
That's it. That's all I have noticed this last couple days. Big shout out to Doug for letting me use that Ass Cancer bit. I wish I could point and click and it would start growing out of their pants. That would be awesome. More to come.
Picture in your head a box of Bridge Mix or any large chocolate coated substance, roughly that size though. Now imagine tipping it over very slowly so they start to fall out a couple at a time. You would be staring at the opening watching them drop.
Now have you ever been to a petting zoo and seen a goat go number 2. It's the same thing. The petting zoo at Stanley Park is a great place to go see this marvel of nature. You would swear there was elves in there rolling it into little balls and pushing them out one by one and then you would ask where you can get some of those elves.
I'm sorry. SOOOO Sorry. But check out what it looks like here if a petting zoo is not on the weekend's agenda:
I think the police force needs more loose cannons. More cops capable of pulling the trigger on these dastardly villains. Take the case of Danny Perrault, you would think the time he was arrested for murder of a 72 year old man, a cop would have just shot him in the eye or gut and said, "whoops, thought my safety was on..." Then the chief would say, "You need to take a break Mcglarsky, it's Tuesday right, lets go to Casa de Amigos." After some tacos and a serious round of high fiving the case would be closed.
It's cheaper to suspend a cop with pay while he "gets over" shooting a murdering scumbag than it has already cost us to process said scumbag. And I guess he wouldn't have been able rape a 28 year old at knife point if he was rotting in a casket somewhere.
"It's amazing this guy that takes all those lives and decides to save one" this quote from today's Province. The story is regarding the Angel of Death giving a kidney to save a Long Island Resident. Well if that's not the sweetest thing I have ever heard.
Why oh why isn't it mandatory that these life sentence murdering scumbags have to donate at least something back to humanity. Why don't we start with body parts, kidneys, eyes, livers, etc...Take a penny leave a penny right. For every body part they donate they get a little time taken off their sentence or they get the good ice cream or they are promised no touchy touchy from other inmates. Maybe tobacco companies can sponsor this?
In order to avoid flushing out the fervor that is Jackson Murphy's TheVancouverite, or discredit it because I am a hateful douche, we have created a cage/category for my ranting and raving. We are pleased to present The Vancouver Idiot. A place where I can say whatever the hell I want and it won't be detrimental to the health of this site. Got a problem with Gay people? Too bad cause I'm posting hard core images...Don't like off color bacon jokes regarding dead hookers? Too bad cause I'm not done with that subject either.
Check out what is pushing this idiot's button's when you have time!
If shooting a bear is okay if it is endangering the public, then why can't it be open season on aggressive panhandlers, violent youths or everything else that threatens the public. I can understand shooting a bear because millions(est) of Canadians have died from bear attacks every year. I mean have you checked out the killing fields or mass burials on the island? I cry every time I pass a Spirit Bear because it reminds me of all those that died at the paws of these ferocious whack jobs.
I'm no animal rights nut by any means, but bears aren't eating our taxes, killing tourism, stealing(well at least not your car) or threatening people cuz they don't got's no spare change. A bear could get ornery if you have no spare twinkies or bread though. But why can't cops just start firing away at these few outliers that give panhandling or youths such a bad name?
I'm just kidding. If you can tell me anything on this planet that is more of a baby making deterrent than the PNE, I will buy you a Slurpee. These parents with their 23 kids all screaming and jumping in and out of line and trying to steal from the vendors and fighting and screaming more and then trying to break things and even, save me Jesus, poking a baby goat in the eye on purpose...Yeah I witnessed all of this happening. There is also the fact you would need to re-mortgage just to afford a decent visit with 2 kids, let alone 50 or whatever number of children these psycho's had made...
I feel bad though because there is lots to keep someone entertained and if you can see everything it is so worth every penny. Maybe they have one day where kids between 6 and 20 are not permitted inside the park?
The source for your daily double shot of hyper caffeinated snark-ridden commentary, news, events, and trashy gossip about Vancouver.
"...Gets my nod of approval as a real Vancouverite" - [Dock Currie, Metro Vancouver]
"...one of the online tastemakers driving buzz in Canada" - [Misty Harris, CanWest News Service]
"Best Way To Stay Humble" - [Georgia Straight]
Send Tips, News, Ideaas, & Smut here:
vancouverite@thevancouverite.com
Editor:
Jackson Murphy
Contributing Editors:
Luke McCullum and Josee Thibault
Art Direction:
Graham MacInnes
Published by:
Dog Red Media © 2005 - 2007.
Media
Pop Candy
Upcoming (Van Events)
Cinematical
TV Squad
The Shotgun
Inkless Wells
Reason "Hit And Run"
Bourque Newswatch
Ad Rants
News 1130
24 Hours
CKNW AM 980
Vancouver Sun
Vancouver Magazine
Georgia Straight
The Province
Recommended Goodness
Egotastic
Design Observer
Exquisitely Bored in Nacogdoches
Pajamas Media
Grid Skipper
The Gutter
Cool Hunting
Golden Fiddle
Un-Vancouver
US Weekly
Defamer
Seattlest
Gothamist
Gawker
Vancouver Blogs
Raincoaster
Gus's Place
Purrrlescence
John Bollwitt
DingoRue
Meg Fowler
Jonathon Narvey
Really Smooth Music
Vancouver Events
Susan Natalie
Industrial Brand Creative
Gus Greeper
Miss 604
Mike Browne
VanRamblings
Metroblogging Vancouver
Jak's View From Van
Immutably Me
Kitsilano.ca
Public Eye Online
Urban Vancouver
Beyond Robson
Darren Barefoot
Breebop
Vancouver Food & Drinks
Urban Mixer
Urban Diner
Vancouver's CityFood
Wineglow
Waiter Blog
Vanvouver Coffee
Vancouver Gossip
The Commodified
Rant Vancouver
Joy's Journal
Haute Gossip
Overheard In Vancouver
Chasing Vancouver
Lainey's Entertainment Update
Hollywood North Report
Craigslist
Vancouver Sports
The Pink Seats
Canucks Hockey Blog
Notes From The Nat
Orland Kurtenblog
Vancouver Canucks Oped
Vancouver Style & Cool
Tourfilter Vancouver
Vancouver Sweetspot
Vanmega
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 2.0 Canada License.
