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It's Monday October the 23 around 7:39AM and

Early Morning Parental Advice From an Idiot

As you settle into your chair at work or if you’re an unemployed douche sitting at home, consider the following throughout the day.

As a parent of a young child we thirst for the next milestone because we assume the grass is always greener on the other side. That's a myth. Here are some greener's and browner's on that exciting other side:

1. Babies that can't move are far better than babies that can. You should cherish the days when baby is just a floppy head attached to an even floppier body. It's basically like feeding a pillow, how hard can it be. Much more difficult when they can move. Don't push them. Think how many pillows you have seen stick their frillies into an electrical outlet?

2. Solid food time at four months. Yes it's much easier to make cereal or strained pees or slave over a stove than stuffing a boob or a bottle in a baby's mouth. Yeah right. We used those cans of cheese that pump out sweet cheddar and just gave it to baby like it was milk. Required no cleanup at all and he's doing okay now.

3. Diapers or potty train? Hmmmm. Potty training means every hour taking them to the toilet. Up the stairs, down the stairs. A diaper means 8 hours of no maintenance. I'll let you decide.

4. Children should be seen, not heard. They don't stop talking once they learn how. Just like everything they do, once they start it, they don't stop. Take a sign language course and pass that onto baby.

5. Walk like a man child. Walking is a good milestone and should be urged and pushed because the sooner they can walk, the less you have to carry them. You should have a game plan ready around the start of the third trimester how to get them walking ASAP.

6. It's Smoothie time. Since you skipped the solid food stage and at 18 months baby is still on liquids only, doesn't talk and can either walk like a pro, or can't even roll over you can crack out that blender and start making milkshakes and smoothies. For baby of course, but since there will be some left over, you get some too! Just make stuff you would eat and assume they will like it too. Oreo milkshakes have only one enemy, Vegans!

7. Get to bed...no no, YOUR BED! Get them to sleep in their own bed as soon as possible so that when the day comes they can sleep through the night. Now you can watch Friday night Showcase which is essentially guilt free porn. Just don't fall asleep on the remote cranking the volume to max. Having your baby’s momma wake to the sound of Marlon Brando screaming for butter, racing down the stairs to see that scene or worse if you were watching something like Golden Balls.

8. At age three you can turn off Tree House and start watching real TV. My son loves NASCAR, though I hate it, he loves watching the cars whiz around the track. I should have gotten him hooked on Hockey and Football, and then I might spend some time with him.

9. The fun toy era. When I was 4 or five the only games I played was with my brothers. It was called: How Quickly Can We Make Luke Cry or Pass Out With This Pillow Over His Face Game. It sucked but I am stronger and as you can tell from above, perfectly balanced mentally. Anyways, at this age of 3 - 4 is grown up kid’s toys time. Remote control cars and the small Lego that he could swallow and NOT choke on therefore it is safe. This is the 2nd best milestone.

10. Hallo' muther f**kin' ween. This is where it all comes together, years of training. Junior can walk on his own two feet. He can carry a bag. He will say whatever you tell him too, "trick or treat you cheap bastard" sounds half as cheeky as it looks when a 3 year old says it. You can dress him however you like; he is your pug for one day. He is cute enough to get a load of candy but not strong or smart enough to hide it from daddy. Oh yeah this fat beast of a man is aiming to surpass the 300 mark this year, again.

-note from the Webmaster: it is imperative you strike this from your memory as this is ridiculous and was written in spite because little Lukey Junior only woke up 10 times during the night because apparently watching Hostel with daddy gave him nightmares...I didn't find it that scary though.