It's Tuesday October the 3 around 8:17AM and

The Vancouverite Interview: A Conversation with Mike and Jason From Orland Kurtenblog

Recently we had the sheer pleasure, well, as much as firing off some questions via email can offer, past the cool kids over at Orland Kurtenblog. Since OK's Jason Brough and Mike Halford are all about the Vancouver Canucks, then it was a perfect opportunity to ask really dumb questions about the city's favorite team. Finally the city has the blog it's underachieving team deserves.

Of course, in the process we get to hear about the Canucks prospects for the season and along the way we'll hear about Dave Nonis stuffing his face with Nachos, the idea for the Surrey Canuck Mascot, why Orca Bay doesn't care about black people, lingonberry jam, and the fact that Roberto Luongo is going to be a legend at the Roxy in about six weeks. This is everything you were afraid to ask about the Canucks this season but should just keep to yourself. Prepare yourself for hockey talk people and think of that post-game hockey bag smell too to set the, er, mood. Maybe light a few candles. Voila:

The Vancouverite: Alright boys. So what made you guys finally put on the proverbial Speedo’s and jump into the blog world and start Orland Kurtenblog?

Mike: I’ve never been overly amused by mainstream hockey coverage…I’m a big fan of websites like Deadspin, Free Darko and Kissing Suzy Kolber – they entertain by denouncing the lofty status professional athletes have in society. It’s a dynamic sorely lacking in local media circles and especially within the NHL – the game and players are so revered in Canada. In this light, it’s almost blasphemous to say certain shit, like how I think Bobby Clarke is a huge douchebag, or how Trevor Letowski looks like Scotty Hamilton. So I guess that’s what the B in KB stands for – blasphemy.

Jason: As for me, I came for the blogging, but I’m staying for the groupies. So, ladies, come one, come all to the KB Groupie Tryout, to be held at the main ballroom of the Sheraton Wall Centre next Saturday at 11am. And, remember, looks count most, but enthusiasm is the tie-breaker.

TV: Why Orland Kurtenblog? Why not TonyTantiblog? Or HaroldSnepstsblog?

Mike: I thought “Butchering Garth” was going to stick, but once Orland Kurtenblog first got mentioned we both knew it was the one. Any decent Canucks fan should know the legacy of Big O and get the reference. I mean, “Orland Kurtenblog” is pretty damn funny. Nobody can deny that.

Jason: Gotta give Mike the credit for the name. My best attempt? Robert Nordblog.

TV: Okay, enough Barbara Walters fluff, lets cut to the chase. The Canucks grand poobah Dave Nonis made a lot of changes. Let’s start with the coach. So we’ve hired a coach, Alain Vigneault, with a spectacular 109-118-35-4 record. On the other hand he’s French. Discuss.

Mike: My initial response to the Vigneault hire was “Zut Alors!” but was recently downgraded to “Comme Ci, Comme Ca”. It’s easy to poke holes in his stint with the Habs (especially with only one playoff appearance and a sub-.500 record overall) but he was nominated for the Jack Adams in 2000 and went on to have great success with the Moose. He’s known as a hardass who can get a lot of out marginal players. I won’t start keying on buzz terms like “accountability” and “changing the culture” because they don’t really mean anything, but I do think he’ll make or break a few guys this year, especially the younger players and AHLers he worked with in Manitoba. I bet we see a couple of the farmhands (Bieksa especially) really make the leap under Vigneault.

Jason: Just adding to Mike’s comments, I think the key to the Canucks’ season will be the play of the young and/or fringe guys. Look at Edmonton last year with Ales Hemsky, Jarret Stoll, and Shawn Horcoff. Those three combined for 95 points in 03-04. They put up 218 last year. It’s those kind of guys that give you the most upside potential. So, yeah, I like the Vigneault call. Besides, after last year, even the older players could do with a refresher course on some of the basics (like team defence) and that’s where task masters can be useful.

TV: In Goal, it’s been said that, “It has been a long time since Vancouver didn't have questions in goal, but the arrival of Roberto Luongo should put those on the backburner for the next several years.” Is this really going to solve the goalie problems?

Mike: Oh ya. Luongo is the absolute truth. Nobody in Vancouver can actually fathom having a goalie as the best player on the roster, mostly because it’s never happened here before. Think of it like this – under normal circumstances, your star forward will play 20 minutes per night max, and a star defenseman maybe 30. Luongo is your best player and he’s on the ice for all 60 minutes, overtime and shootouts. And when you think of all the mediocrity Vancouver has thrown between the pipes in the last 10 years – Auld, Cloutier, Snow, Irbe, Potvin, Essensa – they make Luongo look like God in shoulder pads. I figure he’ll attain legend status at the Roxy by December.

Jason: Agreed…about the Roxy especially. Although Bryan Allen left some big shoes to fill. As for Luongo’s play, the one thing the Canucks have been without is someone who can steal them a game. And that’s the thing about having a great goalie: You can get outshot 50-5 and still win. Unless Ryan Kesler is your shooter. Then you’re hoping for a tie.

TV: They got rid of that knuckledragging goon Todd Bertuzzi, but we still have that Swed, Marcus Naslund. How does Nasland adjust to the post Bertuzzi world? Is he still wearing the “C” when the season starts? Is he playing with the Sedins for a ridiculous all Swedish line?

Mike: I do think he’ll get a lot of ice with the Sedins (insert “Swedish Touch Line” joke here). They’ll build chemistry over their shared love of lingonberry jam, Volvos and IKEA. Bertuzzi will become a distant memory. The captaincy issue is so overrated and only of consequence to the Don Cherry neophytes out there who are lining up to teabag Doug Gilmour. I mean, Minnesota has rotated captains for what feels like six years now and their locker room has yet to implode due to a lack of leadership. So yeah, Naslund will probably keep the C, and that’s fine.

Jason: There’s no way Naslund surrenders the C. Why stir up that kind of controversy? Sports call-in shows suck enough without adding that debate to the pile.

In all honestly, I think Naslund got used to playing without Bertuzzi last year. Take that, Bert apologists.

I think the Sedins will get some power play time with Markus, but I can’t see them all sticking as a line the whole season. If scoring actually turns out to be a challenge - which is likely - Vigneault will have to juggle. Or, hide.

TV: Thankfully we did resign Sedin Twins. I think they were the best thing about the Canucks last year, which isn’t saying much. Even though they have lost their funk soul brotha, are they the first line now and who the hell is going to play with these two?

Mike: What you saw last year was 27 years of sleeping in the same bedroom finally paying dividends. Sure it was creepy for a while, but if that’s what it took to develop a move as lethal as the power play slap-pass, then Jan Bulis and Brendan Morrison should be sharing a bunk bed. I guess what I’m trying to say is that you can pretty much play anybody with the twins, so long as they have a slumber party the night before the game.

Jason: Besides their horrendous skating, the first thing anyone who knows hockey noticed about the Sedins when they were rookies was that they know the game. Unfortunately, they weren’t strong enough to show it. It’s a different story now. If it’s my team, they’re the first line. Just like last year. Yeah, you heard me.

Granted, I don’t think you could put them with just anybody and expect success, because not every player can anticipate their moves and get to the right spots (translation: the front of the net). What fans should keep in mind is that, despite what happened with Anson Carter, good line combinations rarely happen overnight, even with the help of slumber parties.

TV: And speaking of Anson Carter, were the Canucks just not willing to have a black player on the ice? Be honest.

Mike: Orca Bay doesn’t care about black people.
-Kanye.

Jason: No, they just weren’t willing to be extorted….by anyone who wasn’t Ryan Kesler.

TV: How come Nonis didn’t manage to trade or un-sign that stupid Orca mascot?

Mike: Or have him turned into a delicious can of albacore tuna? Your guess is as good as mine. Mascots are better suited for sports where then can perform at field level, not in the stairwell of Section 301. What Orca Bay should really do is implement an authentic “Surrey Canuck” mascot, one outfitted with a denim tuxedo and one of those mesh Molson Canadian hats you get free in a case of beer. He can drive around the concourse in his Z28 Camaro blaring Ratt’s 1984 smash hit “Round and Round”. Now THAT’S a mascot we can all relate to (and buy hash from at the intermission).

Jason: I kinda like Fin. There, I said it.

TV: Defense. Let’s talk about our Defense for a bit. We let Ed Jovanovski go, and have a whole new look defense this year, so is our defense good right, or is it total crap?

Mike: Somewhere in the middle. It’s scary that so much rests on the shoulders of Luc Bourdon. When I was 19, I was working at HMV, trying to scam Bone Thugs-n-Harmony CDs. He’s dealing with the pressure of being anointed JovoCop 2.0 and trying to crack an NHL roster. They need him to step in and pull a Dion Phaneuf, something I’m not sure he’s ready to do. If not, Vancouver will to have to rely on the Rory Fitzpatricks, and Yannick Tremblays of the world to play over their heads, something I’m not sure they’re ready to do either. So I guess my final answers are “wait” and “see”.

Jason: Probably the most under-rated aspect of a defenceman is his ability to move the puck. Jovo was good at this. Allen was terrible at this. Bourdon was supposed to be good at this. Bieksa has been good at this (in the preseason). So like Mike says, we shall see. And by the way, if you don’t really know hockey and you want to impress hardcore hockey experts around you, if the Canucks are having trouble breaking out of their own zone, shake your head and mutter, “Gotta make that first pass…just gotta.” Instant respect.

TV: I think I read on your site recently, after a prayer to baby jesus that, “WE CAN'T SCORE GOALS. WE ARE SO SCREWED.” So, here’s the big question…will theCanucks be able to score goals to win games cause I’m worried now? For real?

Mike: Still too early to be freaking out. Vigneault isn’t even close to exercising all his line options yet, and my Sedin Sleepover idea will probably turn one of Ryan Kesler, Jesse Schultz, Alex Burrows or Rick Rypien into a 20-goal scorer (and, perhaps, a deeply disturbed adult male). Keep in mind that Bertuzzi and Carter did combine for 58 goals last year, and that’s not something you simply replace. I don’t foresee the offense taking a total plunge, but they’ll certainly be a more defensive-minded squad.

Jason: Again, it all depends on the fringe guys…and, of course, baby Jesus.

TV: Dave Nonis? More evil than Brian Burke or mini-me Pat Quinn? Sidequestion: are Canucks GM’s getting fatter or is that just the pounds the camera adds?

Mike: Nonis is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Systematically picked apart the flawed team Burke left him with, but did it without all the media hoopla and grandstanding his predecessor was known for. By now, you’ve noticed that Nonis never once alluded to driving guys to the airport, or challenged Al Strachan to a throwdown on Satellite Hotstove. He also negotiated the Luongo deal for nearly half a year without wavering in front of the public.

And no, you can’t blame it on the camera. Nonis likes his nachos.

Jason: We all know Bobby Clarke would kick his grandmother down the stairs if it meant it would give his team a better chance to win. My question to Dave Nonis is this: Where is your grandmother? And is she in traction?

Final Pre-season Prediction Time:

1. Canucks Record at the end of Season is… 43-30-9
2. Playoffs Yes or No…Yes, 8th spot.
3. Leading scorer… Markus Naslund
4. First to get traded…Brendan Morrison
5. Orland Kurtenblog will be…facing a massive defamation suit.

Thanks very much boys. Don't forget to read Orland Kurtenblog.

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