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It's Wednesday December the 21 around 1:26AM and

Bill Tieleman Writes Letters to Santa

Bill Tielelman's column in yesterday's 24 Hours was a trainwreck of pre-Christmas cliche. Read his introduction:

A good many things go around in the dark besides Santa Claus. - U.S. President Herbert Hoover
On the eve of Christmas, 24 hours has uncovered secret letters sent to Santa Claus by all four major political party leaders back when they were children. Surprisingly, even at this tender, innocent age it is clear from the letters that these youngsters had already formed life-long political views:

Smug quote from somebody famous. Check. Mentioning own publication 24 Hours. Check. Jumping on the great week-of-Christmas-Santa-Claus-is-a-fatty content bandwagon. Check. Trying to make fun of the four major political leaders. Check.

This works for, oh, say Thomas Friedman. But barely. Very few writers should ever try the "what if," or "the I'm another writer," or the "fake letter" column. It is almost always a complete disaster. Case in Point, Tieleman writing the Paul Martin Dear Santa letter, "Listen - I want to be very, very, very clear about this, uh, this fabulous holiday that we call Christmas. Look it, I have been a very, very, very good boy. Make no mistake."

Dear Bill Tieleman. Please don't try this again. Thanks.

UPDATE: And Mr. Tieleman stops by for a comment - that's so hot!! Thanks man! And you're totally right, I should have written the same thing about the far more tragic Erin Airton column, "'Twas the time before the election" which actually tried to do this: "Twas the night before Christmas and all through the House, Not a politician is stirring, not even a Louse. The elections signs are hung all over with care, In hopes that the voters soon will be there." Which was far more egregeous for sure. But how much can one man read 24 Hours we ask?

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Comments

Posted by: Bill Tieleman

December 28, 2005 11:44 PM

Thanks for noticing my column Jackson, even if you didn't enjoy it. You may have missed that two of my colleagues did "Twas the Night Before Christmas" parodies in the VERY SAME edition of the paper later in the week, but no criticism noted on your blog.

As to my own column, several other readers noted that I had nailed Paul Martin down to a T, so my batting average is still pretty decent.

Keep swinging for the fences.