« The Vancouverite Canucks Blogger: ‘all our Swedish eggs in one basket’ | Main | Erica Durance: Lois Lane, Nudist Edition »

It's Wednesday October the 11 around 6:06AM and

Vancouver Papers: It's Not Easy Being Green

The Province was made for this teacher on trial for sex charges story, so it comes as a bit of a surprise that the best they could muster was, "Former teacher on trial for sex charges". They bring the heat, "The Crown alleged that Ellison, now 63 and white-haired, lured the girls by engaging them in slow dancing and summer adventure trips, which would lead in some cases to massaging, kissing, fondling, mutual oral sex and intercourse." But surely they could have sold twice the papers with a racier headline. And on the back it's Canucks-a-thon coverage. First, did Tony "Skeletor" Gallagher really just say, "Having digested over the last couple of games that their swashbuckling approach to penalties was resulting in their demise, they quickly amended their ways and could have turned Tuesday's game tape over to the league officials as an instructional video on the way to play the game cleanly." $5 Tony was watching Pirates of the Carribbean last night.

Meanwhile, the first injury scare of the season for the Canucks: "Kesler appeared to suffer a concussion-like ailment when he lost his balance while being heavily checked into the corner in the offensive zone by defenceman Kurtis Foster.Kesler slowly got up from the hit, skated a few woozy strides toward the Canucks bench and then flopped forward to the ice at 19:11. He had to be helped off the ice and didn't return." Sami Salo also didn't return after a "lower-body injury midway through the second period ", so Canucks coach Alain Vigneault instantly benched Kesler for getting hit and not working hard enough.

The Vancouver Sun went with the onlylede they could, "'Naive Girls' had first sex with teacher" which is as close to the perfect storm of sex, crime, and creepy old man that you're likely to see in the near future. "In both cases, the contact began when the women were students in the school's outdoor education program known as Quest and Tom Ellison, a head teacher, invited them to slow waltz at school dances, where the lights were low and the sexual energy high, the women told B.C. Provincial Court.From there, it progressed to body massages and intimate touching, they told a small, packed courtroom." In related news, Prime Minister Stevesy Harper, not to be confused with the naive girl groping teacher, has gone green. And then there is the story of the spawning Adams River sockeye salmon, which is just plain gross, and reason #322 why nature scares us.

And two days in a row it's MacIntyre: "Well, this kind of goaltending just isn't going to cut it. Roberto Luongo has been exposed. He's a fraud. Sure, he can stop a BB in the dark. Yes, he takes away more goals than instant replay. So maybe his save percentage -- .941 -- reads like the humidity in Hugh Hefner's grotto. But if he's going to stop only 35 of 36 shots, then get beaten three times in a shootout, how are the Vancouver Canucks supposed to win anything?" They still lost right, Iain. One point, I'm just saying.

24 Hours tries to downplay the teacher sex scandal for some reason. I guess since they give the paper away, they don't have to worry about selling lots of copies with juicy coverage of real news. Cute. Instead they offer, "Battle to protect farm land." Clearly Translink is evil, since they are building a 4-lane connector through "the only certified organic farm in Pitt Meadows and Maple Ridge." Personally I enjoy the perfect protestor signs on the cover photo - too perfect if you ask me.