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It's Wednesday December the 13 around 6:03AM and

Guest Blogger: Anthony's Excellent Russian Adventure Part III

hermitage.jpg

Comrade Karl Pilkington, er, Anthony is still in St. Petersburg, Russia and we are pleased to bring you another one of his vodka soaked ramblings from the Mother Country for your reading pleasure. Well, except those of you who just don't seem to get this new series of amazing adventure posts. We can actually hear you writing the hate emails now. Spasiba!

'OK. So I was guilted into going to visit one of the largest collections of art in the world...St.Petersburg's very own "Hermitage".

First off, let me say the price of admission was very reasonable. It was 350 rubles to get in and another 100 if you wanted to take pictures. Now, 100 rubles are only about 4 bucks US. I would have paid 20 if I could've used my flash so I could see any of the pictures I took.

We had walked about 80 feet into the "winter palace", which smugness knows no bounds, before our translator...sorry, "interpreter", decided to stop us all and give us the entire tour.

11 minutes later when she finally gasped for air, I moved on ahead past the group only to discover that place was a goddamn rabbit hutch. The only way out, short of running string or leaving breadcrumbs, was to listen to this lady who had the cadence of Ben Stein sucking helium.

Too words I never want to hear again...gilded or opulent. Or the phrase "...in the world-ah."

It was nice of them to display millions of dollars worth of art for us in the Impressionist wing, but would have killed them to paint the fucking dry wall it hangs on? Classy, Mother Russia, classy.

At the end, 3 hours later...which could have very easily ended like another famous "3 hour tour...a three hour tour...” I was choked to realize that there is a movie "filmed-ah" called "Russian Ark" which in one shot takes you through the joint. It's probably available at Blockbuster-sky for 110 rubles.

All I did was make a giant X in the air on my invisible checklist of life and learn when it comes to smug art museums...look outside the cracked panes of glass first. When old Boris and Natasha never smile cause their brittle vitamin c depraved bones keep a rattlin' because of the terrible economic structure...it's nice to know that Mother Russia has a magical place with solid gold walls and '2 of the 14 Da Vinci paintings in the whole world-ah.'

PS: I think they should start with a simple " to do" list...

#1 - don't put fucking icing sugar on my ravioli dinner again or I will punch you in the throat. For real...I know karate dance fighting."

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Comments

Posted by: Luke

December 13, 2006 07:51 AM

FIRST!!! BITCHES!!

There is a radioactive lake in Russia that you could cook a chicken in, in about an hour. All these things and more in the Guinness book of records currently sitting on the tank of my throne.

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