It's Tuesday August the 3 around 3:42PM and

24-7 Yaletown Gym Fail?

For a 24/7 fitness club, the whole hours thing is pretty hilarious. Fail.

It's Tuesday July the 13 around 7:48AM and

The Boss, George Steinbrenner, Dead at 80

Respect. George Steinbrenner, dead at 80. The man turns an $8.8 million investment into a $1.6 billion virtual ATM machine of money. Even if they are the dreaded Yankees. He's right owning the Yankees is a bit like owning the Mona Lisa. It's epic. And they don't make characters like this guy anymore, sadly. Only Larry David could play him with any justice.

Update: "Steinbrenner just offered Babe Ruth a $140 million dollar contract, I keep telling him US dollars don't work up here." - Jesus.

It's Thursday July the 8 around 9:08PM and

Lebron is Jessica Alba With a Boob Job

Favorite quote about Lebron James going to Miam via Gregg Doyel at CBS Sports:

"When LeBron James wins the 2011 NBA title with the Miami Heat, it'll be like a breast augmentation for Jessica Biel. Sure, she'd be even sexier with bigger boobs. I guess. But it wouldn't be sincere. She'd no longer be real."

I mean, really.

It's Sunday June the 27 around 1:37PM and

England & America Both out of World Cup

Well, at least England is still funny. Have they burned down parliament for this yet? Monty Python covers the Greece vs Germany game.

It's Tuesday June the 15 around 7:16AM and

Dealing with the World Cup

Look, I didn't even think Paraguay was a real country until yesterday. Seriously. But, how can you not love this country after seeing their passionate World Cup fans like this young patriotic lass? (via Deadspin) But wait, there's more. The real shame of sporting events like this is that you actually hear people in offices, here in Vancouver, say things like. "Well, there's a big Cameroon/Japan match today. Yeah, totally, That should be good." Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

No wonder soccer has come out of the closet. Meanwhile Jon Stewart weighs in on all things World Cup.

So remember, if that office poseur comes in talking about the Brazil-North Korea match-up today saying stupid things like, "these commie David Beckhams are going to get smoked today," you have my full permission to slap them in the face without receiving any red cards.

It's Wednesday June the 2 around 4:55PM and

The Kid Retires

Wow. Ken Griffey Jr. retires at 40 tonight, with 630 home runs, batting .184 this year. It's a little sad that he didn't have that final swan song that so many greats have - that one final summer of excellence before retiring off into the sunset. That has to suck since his Dad went out with a bang, as Junior had to settle for 5th all time on the Home Run list. I guess that is cool too.

Not sure what is more crazy:

A. Ken Griffey Jr is 40-years old right now (the hell you say)
B. His Upper Deck rookie baseball card came out in 1989 (21 years ago)

It's Tuesday June the 1 around 9:33AM and

Jumping off the Eiffel Tower? For fun?

This world record by French crazy person Taïg Khris Saut, who jumped from the first floor of the Eiffel Tower (That's 40 meters up to you and me) this past weekend. PS: The chugging of Red Bull just prior to the jump is a nice touch. Well played sponsor dudes. Insane.

It's Thursday May the 6 around 7:43AM and

The greatest Job In the World?

Baseball announcers are the best. I could listen to the play-by-play all day long. I think it really would be the best job in the world. And clearly, as this tribute video to Detroit Tiger broadcaster Ernie Harwell, who died at 92 this week, can attest, it seems like it would be the most amazing thing to do in life.

It's Thursday April the 15 around 8:08PM and

Finally, Canuck Fan Tracker

Love the internet. Love that people can take Google Maps and create a simple, easy to use tool that enables you to track down and monitor those Canucks fans around the globe. Now you can hunt them down and spam them. Question can somebody out there build an option to isolate the jersey wearing people? Vancouver was way too jersey today.

It's Wednesday April the 14 around 7:39AM and

Nike: The Empire Strikes Back

Nike has really stepped up an entirely new kind of ad, lets call it "dark side advertising". They take the most loathsome characters they can find, and then taunt the world with them in ads. Effective and evil. Just do it, indeed.

Exhibit A: The Tiger Woods masters ad.
Dark Side Score: 9/10.
A Total creepfest. Use of Tiger's out of context dead father + instant parody worthy = 2.8 million views on YouTube.

Exhibit B: The Sports Illustrated runs Nike's Duke NCAA Championship ad.
Dark Side Score: 8/10.
That is just cruel, if you are a Butler fan. This is like stroking white cat and laughing evil.

(Photo Via DeadSpin)

It's Monday April the 12 around 5:15PM and

Wake Up! He's a Shapeshifter

Hot New Relationship Book Warns Women: 'Wake Up! He's A Shapeshifter' PS: I love that this video was all sponsored by Jack Links Beef Jerky. Amazing + delicious.

It's Wednesday April the 7 around 7:29AM and

Obama Love Baseball?

I know hockey is still in full force and stuff, but it's like 90 degrees in Washington DC this week and even Obama is faking his interest in America's pastime. The above clip is pretty funny since Obama spends his time avoiding the question of who his favorite players on his favoritist team, The Chicago Whitesox, are. Seriously, he couldn't name Frank Thomas, or Carlton Fisk? No Blackjack McDowell or Robin Ventura? Not even Bo Jackson? Some people are calling it a case of some fake macho. Hilarious.

Meanwhile this play by White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrie is what baseball is all about people.

It's Wednesday January the 27 around 6:45AM and

2010 Olympic Shirt: Nobody Cares

When does VANOC shut down this awesome shirt from BustedTees? "It's not just you, Vancouver, we haven't cared for a long time."

It's Wednesday January the 27 around 6:32AM and

2010 Olympic Promos: CTV vs NBC vs BBC

Dear CTV, I don't believe. In fact I believe your ads asking us to do so are terrible. It's about sport right? The closer we get to the games the less we see the actual stars of the show. What gives? Even after ditching that smug bore of a voice in Donald Sutherland, you replace them with Bill "Helmet Hair" Good and the guy who lit the rings in Richmond? I'm sure hearing Tamara Taggert saying, "It's going to be the BEST" really grabs people, but take a lesson from what gets people more pumped and see how to do an Olympic sporting event ad:

Of course, you could see it on the BBC and 2010 is about an animated Inuit hockey goalie/snowboarder/skeleton riding dude "curl fighting" a Grizzly bear. Which is just plain rad. I most definitely believe this.

That is all.

It's Wednesday January the 20 around 9:30PM and

Praying for 2010 Hilarity and Wardrobe Malfunctions

Bobsled Wardrobe malfunctions. Who knew. let's hope for lots of this kind of shenanigans when the games start. And here I thought Bobsled wasn't very funny or potentially sexy.

It's Tuesday November the 24 around 8:46PM and

2010 Olympics: Torch Fail

Wait, what, cold, windy weather has turned the Olympic flame, in the Olympic Fail:

The Vancouver 2010 Olympic flame has been extinguished a dozen times so far due to cold, windy weather, said torch relay officials.
But while 2010 relay boss Jim Richards said he plans to discuss "solutions" when the torch reaches Fredericton, N.B., Wednesday, Bombardier's top engineer said Tuesday there are no plans to re-design it.

It's Tuesday November the 10 around 8:03AM and

Robot Phone Overlords Rule

You know, I like Apple and all, but I do kind of like this new, more sinister, evil looking ass kicking kind of phone too. Love this bit of a write up by AdFreak:

"The new spot stars intimidating robots who crush rocks and punch holes to assert their metallic superiority. And unless I've missed the point (unlikely, as I never have on AdFreak before, at least not that I'd admit), humans will do these droids' bidding once Earth is enslaved, toiling in factories and slugging it out in bloody boxing matches for their overlords' amusement. This isn't a smartphone, the ad warns, it's a robotphone. You don't talk to the boss on a Droid, the phone is your boss."

I, for one, welcome our robot overlords.

It's Monday November the 2 around 7:58AM and

Olympic Hating Halloween Tricks

The cover story of 24 Hours today is amazing. Turns out, some anti-Olympic amateur propagandist spent Halloween handing out notes to trick-or-treaters saying, "I hate the Olympics, send Car 87 for Gordon Campbell." Halloween political campaign. Love it.

Meanwhile The Province spent the spooky night aftermath with Galleries of The Felions in various costumes, entries from their Sexy Halloween Costume Contest, and even a post Halloween Craigslist missed connections. 24 Hours doing more original stories than Province? You be the judge. At least they are both smutting it up and trying to move papers.

It's Friday October the 23 around 8:57AM and

24 Hours: Canucks Hottie Cover

Well played 24 Hours. That is how you sell, er, giveaway newspapers. You throw a local Maxim Hometown Hottie in a Vancouver Canucks bathing suit/bra and with a Canucks belt buckle. The only disappointment was by the time you get to the story on page 28, you are seeing a piece more about trash talking with people like Miss 604. Enough.

It's Thursday October the 22 around 10:40PM and

Canucks Need Finn to get on this bandwagon

Seeing this clip makes me think about how awesome the Canucks would be if they could get an orca to skate and shoot a puck. I'd actually go see that. Technically a bear like this ate some people or something in Russia, but seriously no less awesome. Think about it. (Via With Leather)

PS: This also makes me want to watch. Pretty sure the last two seasons the Canucks ad creative has been about as interesting as an infomercial. I mean really. Bloggers last season? Gross.

It's Thursday October the 22 around 9:36PM and

VANCOUVERITE WEEKENDER: TOP PICKS FOR THE WEEKEND OCTOBER 23- 25

Friday
Kick off your 3-martini Friday lunch in style. 11:30 AM at the Hyatt Regency (655 Burrard St) you can go deep inside the vast right wing conspiracy and do lunch at the Fraser Institute. It's a lively discussion on how awesome the new HST Tax is. Enjoy a table for $650 or a seat for $65 while lighting cigars with $100 bills y'all.

If that is too "highbrow" for you. Try new movie openings of Saw IV (They've made 6 of these?), Astro Boy, or catch the bearded Salma Hayek in Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant.

Friday is also a bit of throwbacker. You got Blue Oyster Cult at Red Robinson Show Theatre (Boulevard Casino). All you need to know about Blue Oyster Cult I learned from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. And over at the Commodore, Collective Soul the band from the early 90's is back. I mean do you even remember Shine? That was 1993 friends. Wow. And I think they still have that terrible hair.

Lastly, you could escape from all of these with Grape Expectations. This is the adult version of Science World. Wine + Science = Fun! (7-10 pm)

Saturday
Yaletown might still be busy with Taste of Yaletown. Over 20 of Yaletown's joints are still offering special three-course tasting menus for set prices of $25, $35 and $45. Make it drinking game: every time you see small dogs, Lululemon pants, or Ed Hardy shirts you do a shot. Repeat.

But then you could get out of Yaletown and go suburban and see Bob Saget at the Red Robinson Show Theatre. Um, awesome. And maybe if you are opting for the Sagat, you might want to just wait for the banner to be dropped on the Cambie St. Bridge for the Bridge to a Cool Planet enviro-stunt (seemed to have lost the link, too bad). Save on Foods (or Whole Foods for the organic jerks) is just up the street for a dozen of eggs to throw at them for closing the bridge. What for, it might be anyone who follows this part of the bridge shut down, "You can also dress up as your favourite endangered species." Fire away!

Sunday
If you're recovering from the Saturday, you could catch brunch and then rock over the 5th Avenue Cinemas and see Audrey Tatou in Coco Avant Chanel (2110 Burrard at W. 5th)

And what would this weekend be with out kicking it with Peter Mansbridge giving The Bill Duthie Memorial Lecture at the Vancouver International Writers Festival. Wait who's going to do The National? (8:00 pm, Stanley Industrial Alliance Stage, Tix: $27)

It's Tuesday October the 6 around 8:49PM and

2010, A missed opportunity for small dogs with Brazilians

OMG. Well played Rio. Well Played. Look at this photo! Remember back in 2003, when we had just won the 2010 Winter Games? It was all red and white, but I do not, I have not, seen the crass exploitation of the small dogs with shaved areas in themed maple leaf clothing. We've been wasting our time up here. Unleash the themed cats. (Via Best Week Ever)

It's Monday October the 5 around 11:49PM and

Canucks Continue Season of Loserdom: Now 0-3

Well, it's game three of the season and the Canucks are still perfect. I don't care how many Canucks/1994/Trevor Linden references there are on How I Met Your Mother, they are still 0-3. And I'm sure that Robert Luongo the 12-year, $64 million man is now going to be the hot topic of the city until they manage to stop the bleeding. As he was yanked out of the game. Not good.

"The Canucks captain has surrendered 11 goals on 68 shots this season, including four goals on 12 shots in the loss to Columbus." (Via CBC)

PS: Fairly certain the idiot couple on The Canada Line in jerseys and Canucks capes feel even more like douchebags right now on the way home to Richmond.

It's Sunday October the 4 around 8:19AM and

Twitter Reaction to Canucks 0-2 Season Winless Opening

Two games into the NHL season and the Canucks are already 0-2. I wouldn't say panic has set in the city, but there sure is some very good Twitters because of it. At this rate, the season is going to be awesomely fun. Check out the best five Twitters after the shutout loss yesterday.

5. Bill Stoddard writes that the Hockey Gods seem to be punishing Vancouver for not sending the A-team to preseason game in Terrace.

4. "Did you hear that? The collective sound of everybody in Vancouver falling off the #Canucks Bandwagon after only two games." - Apeman_org.

3. "Avalanche power play storms Canucks: The Vancouver Canucks remain winless to open the 2009-10 season, falling ..." - SigourneyWeave

2. "Vancouver Canucks for Stanley Cup Champs 2020. Sigh." - Kirbeep.

1. "The Vancouver Canucks are just doing a rope-a-dope!! They're not this bad!!" - Scott Dizzo

It's Friday October the 2 around 6:52AM and

Canucks Open Season by lowering expectations (L 5-3)

First game of the NHL season for the Vancouver Canucks last night. They lost to Calgary 5-3. And that loud thump sound you are hearing this morning is the first of many hopes, dreams, and people jumping off the bandwagon coming out of the preseason and high expectations that this could, again, be the year. Even the team's Twitter seems to denote a foreshadowing of doom.

PS: Fans watching at The Lamplighter last night seemed a little to invested in Game 1. Standing up at close plays? Give it a rest. I hate hockey season in Vancouver. Every place needs the sound on these games? It's so lame. Stay home you deadbeats.

It's Friday October the 2 around 6:26AM and

Hedy Fry: Conservatives Playing Politics with Olympic Logo

While many have playfully begun calling the new Canadian Winter Olympic gear and logo, "Hoser Chic" leave it to Vancouver Member of Parliament Hedy Fry to continue to press the tough issues that need pushing. Her response, in the House of Commons yesterday:

"Canada’s Olympic Games belong to all Canadians. While it is clear that the Conservative government’s multimillion-dollar infrastructure campaign is crassly partisan, can the prime minister at least stop trying to politicize the Canadian Winter Olympics?" (Vancouver Sun)

Of course, this because the new Team Canada logo looks similar to the Conservative Party logo. This is what they are doing in Ottawa right now? Non-confidence votes, and logo critiques? Stephen Harper is a freaking genius.

It's Wednesday September the 30 around 9:47PM and

Quatchi Gets Frisky With Tamara Taggart?

Tamara Taggart and Olympian Veronica Brenner do the weather. Is it JUST me or does it Looks like Quatchi has his hand somewhere? So naughty. Don't let that sly grin fool you, he's like a furry Polanski.

It's Thursday September the 24 around 9:11PM and

Vancouverite Weekender: Top picks for the Weekend September 25 - 27

Movies
The choices of new movies this week completely suck. Between a completely awful looking Dennis Quaid movie, Pandorum, a ridiculous looking Bruce WIllis movie, Surrogates, and Fame. At least Fame has Kherington from SYTYCD. Jesus, what an awful weekend of new movies. Willis' movie goes down like this "Set in a futuristic world where humans live in isolation and interact through surrogate robots, a cop (Willis) is forced to leave his home for the first time in years in order to investigate cases of surrogate murder" just to give you an indication.

Do yourself a huge favor and screw all those movies and catch the
ski vacation from hell movie that features Nazi zombies in Dead Snow at Tinsletown. Nazis. I hate those guys. Oh, and you can check out Fifth Avenue's 10am movie of the week on Saturday morning which is jack Lemon in 1960's The Apartment.

Music
GM Place will rock out with Pearl Jam and Ben Harper on Friday September 25. Or you can kick it way old school and see Vancouver founders of hardcore, D.O.A., SNFU and The Jolts. For some reason I'm seeing pop-folk-singer Mason Jennings on Saturday. Both this last acts are at the Commodore Friday and Saturday respectively.

Random or Geekdom
Appy Hour. The Social Agency is doing the Mad Men of Apps kinda thing Friday at 4:00PM at The Diamond (6 Powell Street) Apps + Appies = Appy Hour. $20. I'm going so Draper on these geeks. On Sunday, Vancouver's Annual book & magazine dead tree festival, Word on the Street is happening at Library Square.

It's Monday September the 21 around 11:08PM and

Cobie Smulders: Canucks Fan

I'm gonna give Vancouverite Cobie Smulders a pass, like a D- for tonight's season premiere of How I Met Your Mother. Enough with the hockey references already and her wearing the Vancouver Canucks jerseys. I get it, she's Canadian, but putting a fine woman like Smulders in a hockey jersey is just bad TV. Get with the program CBS. Please also see above. At least shes from here.

The episode was still good. Loved the use of Gremlins as in why girlfriends are like Gremlins tonight. Never get them wet.

1. Never get them wet — don’t let her take a shower at your place
2. Keep them away from sunlight — never see them during the day
3. Never feed them after midnght — she doesn’t sleep over and you don’t have breakfast with her — ever

It's Wednesday September the 16 around 9:59PM and

Watch your back young Quatchi: 2016 Has Obama

So we've been readying ourselves for the 2010 Olympic Winter Games for like 74 years or whatever, and we have Quatchi, Miga, Sumi, and some other animal promoting us. And for the 2016 Games, Chicago gets President Obama to reenact the Star Wars Kid on the White House Lawn? What went wrong? (Best Week Ever)

It's Tuesday September the 15 around 9:11PM and

Next Big Thing: Competitive Bear Outrunning

I think they should let bears chase people up and down the Grouse Grind for sport. Too harsh? I'd probably watch that. (Via Ad Freak) God I hate nature.

It's Sunday August the 30 around 7:44PM and

Deer Leap Fail.

This is much cooler than a cat or dog fail. Ass over teakettle. Oh deer.

It's Monday May the 4 around 8:31AM and

Game #2: Great Momments in Canucks Twitter

If there is a place for the most banal and worst sports commentary in the world it must be Twitter. And like a Green party leadership candidate dressed like a hippy and Carole James makeup, I cannot look away:

5. grafinator: @ThatKevinSmith everyone knows the Canucks are going all the way this year. Reach out with the Force and you will feel it.

4. All hope is lost if Joan Rivers is a solution. NucksBandwagon: "Watching Celebrity Apprentice (not sure why). #Canucks should look to Joan Rivers for inspiration. She's a tough and nasty veteran."

3. Already using the game as a way to describe epic failure. jnadiger: "I am the Game 2 Canucks of scriptwriting tonight."

2. Loss triggers long lost Arsenio Hall speculation for no reason whatsoever. benbisset: "is back from Vancouver, disappointed with the canucks and wondering what arsenio hall is doing right now."

1. Sign of future doom/apocolypse. alvinsingh: "Here's hoping the Canucks play more like Carole James on Tuesday and just blow away the competition!" Um, er, awkward.

It's Friday May the 1 around 10:29AM and

Vancouver News: Boring Province Headline #278

Saturday Night Fever? Are you serious? That is what you came up with, The Province? And you wonder why newspapers are dying.

It's Friday May the 1 around 9:56AM and

Press Release Hall of Fame: Vancouver 2010

This headline for today's press release from the media mavens at VANOC is just so awesome:

If a ticket could inspire your life, would you buy one? Ticket sales for the Vancouver 2010 Paralympic Winter Games open this Wednesday, May 6 at www.vancouver2010.com; prices start at $10 for groups

On the upside, tickets! To inspire your pathetic worthless lives.

It's Friday May the 1 around 8:45AM and

Game #1: Great Momments in Canucks Twitter

If there is a place for the most banal and worst sports commentary in the world it must be Twitter. And like a car wreck and Lindsay Lohan, I cannot look away:

5. Christine Milloy: "woke up with towel arm." That's what she said. "had an awesome time at the #Canucks Game GO VANCOUVER!"

4. Chad Pilkington takes time out from stalking young liberal fresh meat to tweet: "Canucks won Very exciting! I am at Friday at the Convention looking for young Liberals meeting and breakfast, very little time to eat #van09"

3. Mayor Gregor is betting a case of Molsons. MOLSONS? Are you serious juice boy? Richard Loat: "RT @molsonmoffat: Vancouver Mayor betting a case of Molsons. that #Canucks beat B'hawks in 2nd rd of the playoffs."

2. As the Canucks barely slipped through this game, Tim P thanks the heavens, "#Canucks win again! No riots to date." To date! LOL.

1. And my favorite use of Twitter after the game is From Tracy, "Just to spite all the fucking morons still honking and shouting out on the streets- I hope the #Canucks LOSE!"

It's Thursday April the 30 around 8:27AM and

Hockey Fans + Twitter: Don't Cross the Streams!

Photo Credit: Miss604

Round 2 of the NHL Playoffs start tonight. The above is what happens when two things come together that, unlike chocolate and peanut butter, shouldn't. In the immortal words of Ghostbusters famed Dor peter Venkman, "'Scuse me Egon? You said crossing the streams was bad! " It's jersey wearing sports fans + twitter.

Good clean fun or pure evil? You be the judge.

It's Wednesday March the 11 around 9:59PM and

Olympic Syrup?

Really Vancouver Olympics? Really? Mascot themed maple syrup? The fact that the Quatchi one is bigger is amazing. But I'm torn by both the crass exploitation of the olympics versus the conundrum of who would buy this at Choices? Explain.

It's Tuesday February the 17 around 7:23AM and

Snowboard Event: Fail

I can haz snow? Vancouver's Cypress Mountain melted from the mild weather resulting in a cancellation of the final two Olympic snowboard test events. But rest assured Vancouverites, this won't happen in 2010 when the world is really watching. Promise. For reals. [CBC & Seattle Times]

It's Thursday February the 12 around 11:19PM and

Countdown to the 2010 Olympics

One more year until the Olympics will clog this city. (CBC) Not sure that was really news, but then again maybe it was one day of non economic calamity. Nice to see that it only mustered about 100 protesters (kind of a fail). The highlight - beyond seeing Gordon Campbell riding in a Bobsled - was Colin Hansen, minister responsible for the Olympics:

“...the NDP are the type of people that go to a 2-year-old’s birthday party and douse the candles. I find it so sad that the Leader of the Opposition and her opposition colleagues cannot for just one day join in the celebration. Instead, they continue to bash the Olympics. It’s very regrettable.”

It's Tuesday January the 6 around 8:55PM and

Greatly Overblown Quote of the day: We All Hockey

In response to the Canadian Junior Hockey victory Stephen Taylor writes:

"We’re a nation bound by our love of hockey."

It's a little much, non? I mean yeah, at its high point 4.7 million people were watching - a total of 9.3 million watched some of it - about 30% of the population. I'm not that good at math but that means an astonishing 70% of Canada couldn't give a damn about the gold medal game, or hocket at all okay.

It's Monday August the 11 around 11:22PM and

Quote of the day: On Olympic Style

"Not surprisingly, Britain, France and America dressed like rich dicks."

- Street Carnage in a post all about Opening Ceremony fashions.

It's Monday August the 11 around 11:16PM and

Photo of the week: Bush Does the Olympics

George W. Bush. The visor. The un-tucked casual & wrinkled shirt. The goof ball grin. The clowning with beach volleyball girls. This is genius lame duck presidency photo ops at their highest level. Love it. Stevsie, you're like totally missing out.

Runner up: Bush again, sad this time, but with Henry Kissinger cameo.

It's Monday August the 11 around 10:42PM and

Red Alert: Vancouver Olympic Opening Ceremony Envy

Now that there has been a few days for the hype to die down, can we take a moment and just talk about how ridiculous the opening ceremony was for the 2008 Beijing Olympics? Did it blow your mind? So what does this mean for our little Olympic games?

1. Um. How can I say this delicately. You poor bastards. Whoever is leading/doing the opening ceremony to the 2010 Vancouver games should just quit now. You will be remembered forever as a complete failure. Just stop. Now. Unless this fireworks fiasco story is remembered. But really who cares if some of the fireworks were digitally enhanced. Its hopeless.

2. More Damning Evidence, The Opening Ceremony Budget breakdown: In Beijing: $100 million. Set for Vancouver, well we've budgeted $58 Million for all ceremonies. Thanks, China. Overachievers.

3. Seriously. We're doomed. Damn you Stupid technology.

4. The Birdsnest vs. BC Place. Wow, that seems like kind of ill-advised choice now doesn't it kids? Maybe it will be good, because we'll be able to keep the smog out. Oh, never mind.

5. Worst. Olympic. Stadium. Ever. Unless: We Hire Michael Bay, Quentin Tarantino, James Cameron, and possibly Nigel Lythgoe from So you think you can Dance and give them $200 million and you might have a chance. And of course, at the end, they simple blow BC Place sky high after a giant dance number. Better start sourcing like 5,000 drummers.

It's Thursday July the 3 around 10:08PM and

Canucks lose: Markus Nasland

So the "rebuilding" of the Canucks is in full force tonight kids. Captain Markus Naslund is headed to the Big Apple to play for the Rangers.

"The franchise leader in goals and points for the Vancouver Canucks is heading to the New York Rangers. New York signed unrestricted free agent Markus Naslund on Thursday to a two-year deal. Naslund, who turns 35 on July 20, has spent the last 12 seasons with the Canucks, seven as team captain." [CBC]

For context and fan reaction on this story, we turn to the internets, and the comments section on an article at the Nanaimo Daily News:

"~ WOW !!!! the canucks are done. Brendan Morrison will be gone to. Sundin NOT i repeat is NOT going to sign with us either. I'll put money on it he going to end up in NY with his ":sweed" brother NAZI. Gillis- give your head a shake and get the hell out of Vancouver before you burn the organization to the ground... ooops you already have. Whats next move the Canucks to Oklahoma City like the sonics??????"

Um, wait, Nazi? I hate those guys. Oh, wait, it's supposed to be "Nazzy". Awkward. Hilarious. For more coverage head over to Orland Kurtenblog where they are starting with "Top 10 Consequences of the Markus Naslund Departure" (No. 9: YouTube flooded with Markus Naslund tributes using Sarah McLachlan's "I Will Remember You.")

PS: This new General Manager Mike Gillis is kind of amazing. And clearly evil. The force is stong with this one.

It's Wednesday July the 2 around 9:48PM and

Michael Lewis Reports Golf Not A Sport

(Photo: Airstream Life, Flickr)

"One of the amazing things about golf is how many people have been fooled into believing it is actually a real sport. All over the world people now talk and think about golf as if it's more like football or basketball than, say, bird- watching." - Michael Lewis.

It's Tuesday July the 1 around 10:33PM and

Canucks Find Own Nuke The Fridge Opportunity?

Yes. I know its July. Yes. I know it was actually summery today. Yes. I was "over" hockey blogging. But seriously, what is with the news that the Canucks have offered 37-year-old Mats Sundin $20 million over 2-years to play. That's more than the top scorers in the league. Can you say Nuke-The-Fridge? [CBC]

It's Tuesday January the 15 around 10:23PM and

Canucks Lose 3-2: To the Blue Jackets. Really?

I'm not even sure I've posted a single item about the Canucks since the season began. My bad. But I'm pretty sure without paying attention that them losing to the Blue Jackets is kind of not cool. But they really did lose 3-2. PS: I saw "CBJ" on the TV (don't ask, I was in the office of one of the suits) and at first was like, "that's a real team, seriously" before just snickering a lot as i tried to figure it out. I'm in a shame spiral about enjoying the loss so much, and i potentially think I'd care more about hockey if there was more dancing girls. I'm just saying.

It's Sunday January the 6 around 8:49AM and

Pam Anderson Upgrades to Furry Orca

Pam Anderson Makes Out with Vancouver Canuck Mascot Finn

I guess it shouldn't be all that shocking to see Pam Anderson all over Vancouver Canuck's mascot Fin. She's not quite Brit-Brit crazy, yet, but Pammy will literally sleep with pretty much anything, including a terrible mascot."The Canucks' mascot gets it on with Pam Anderson," writes With Leather, "ensuring a future generation of whorcas."

Gross.

It's Sunday October the 7 around 8:38PM and

Ryan Dempster Is A Bit of An Autograph Legend

Really? Baseball blogging? I know, but here goes. The Chicago Cubs may be out of the playoffs already but the best thing about baseball I've seen in years is Gibson's BC native Ryan Dempster's ball signing abilities. The "To Christine, Take Your Damn Top Off!" signing is so clearly legendary. Like Barney style. You can read the story that goes along with this signature move at Deadspin.

It's Thursday September the 27 around 8:01AM and

The Only Canucks Blog You'll Need to Read

The Canucks lost 4-3 last night to the San Jose Sharks. And I only really mention this because the famed and no-longer short lived Orland Kurtenblog is back! So catch up on the blogs mythology and

"Orland Kurtenblog was originally developed as a video sharing website where users could upload, view and share video clips. Its co-founders, Jason Brough and Mike Halford, soon decided that such a website would never work and sold the concept to three software engineers from Silicon Valley. In return, Brough and Halford received two popsicles, an old bird cage and rights to the KB moniker. Several failed suicide attempts later, they decided to use Orland Kurtenblog to write about the Vancouver Canucks. It was a heady time for independent bloggers like Brough and Halford. No longer were aspiring writers forced to align with the politicized crusades of mass media outlets. They could set up a blog for free and speak to the world."

As always with the KB, you're not going to find breaking Canucks news (thank god), but lots of useless candy and hilarity. And this time with KB 2.0 you get the possibility of them entangling themselves and big media in fun new ways. Perhaps they'll make good on their promise of an exciting lawsuit. Excellent! And so it begins my annual hate-hate-dislike relationship with the world of the Vancouver Canucks. Lock and load.

Previously:
The Vancouverite Interview: A Conversation with Mike and Jason from Orland Kurtenblog

It's Monday August the 20 around 5:17PM and

New Canucks Look Coming Wednesday

Can you contain yourself for the new Canucks jersey look coming on Wednesday? Well, I know I can. But according to the new blog at The Province, The Newsroom, "The party starts on Wednesday at 11:30 a.m. (free hot dogs!), with the big jersey unveiling at 12:30 p.m. Tickets are free, but you have to go through Ticketmaster to get them. There will be free parking undeground at GM Place."

Well, I can.

It's Wednesday August the 15 around 6:06AM and

Inside Alain Vigneault's Golf Game

If you thought articles about hockey in August are just annoying, you'll love The Sun's Brad Ziemer's ground breaking Q&A with Vancouver Canucks coach Alain Vigneault. Of course, it's not about hockey at all, it's about his golf game in the off season. Amazing! This is like reading about someone watching paint drying. Bravo Ziemer.

It's Friday June the 29 around 2:52PM and

Simply Irresistible

I got nothing, again. But this is enough to counter the miserable long weekend weather I see. Blah.

It's Wednesday May the 9 around 7:15AM and

Hooray! 2010 Olympics Will cost $1.6 Billion

Let us rejoice! The blessed 2010 Olympics - the wreckers of human rights and the environment among other things (probably global warming and the war in Iraq too- will only cost us $1.6 Billion:

"The committee, VANOC, originally estimated that the operating cost of the games would be $1.7 billion, but the 200-page plan puts it at $1.63 billion, $70 million less.
There was even mention of a possible surplus after the Games during Tuesday's news conference. The extra cash would be used to fund sports in Canada."

Sure. Sure we will come out ahead. Bwhahahahahahahaaha. Sorry. It's funny. We call this "wishful thinking", but its so adorable, and will drive the anti-Olympic crowd pretty, well, how you say "crazy". Speaking of which, I've never understood how you can be against Olympics anyway? Indifferent, certainly. But against? Come on. That can't be a serious position, its like being against global warming. Look, even the babies are angry.

It's Tuesday May the 8 around 6:34AM and

Olympics Gets "D"

Love this. The Olympics still over two years away is already in hot water for not meeting environmental and social promises. "A watchdog group has given Vancouver 2010 Winter Games organizers a grade of D for nearly failing to keep their commitments to protect housing, the environmental, and civil liberties. The group, called Impact of the Olympics on Community Coalition, (IOCC) says it isn’t for or against the Olympics but its research has concluded the Games rank only a D minus." More at CTV.

This is good. By the time the games roll around I'm sure the death toll will be massive, the environment destroyed, and Vancouver will lay in ruins. We're all doomed. That is all.

It's Sunday May the 6 around 11:29PM and

Naslund Promises to Play Better, For Real This Time

As much as I am quietly pleased that there is no more hockey, and my watering holes and streets have returned to their formerly indifferent self, this had me wondering what the hell. Apparently Markus Naslund promised Sunday night to play better next season:

"I know I can do better, that's the bottom line. I'm proud of what I do. I want to show I can still perform. I'm going to come back and prove that I can play better."

I would call this kind of rambling nonsense, um, unhelpful sir.

It's Monday April the 30 around 6:15AM and

Canucks Lose 3-2: Apparently Need to Fix Power Play

The Province's Ed Willes tries to state the obvious problem of last night's Canucks loss (Game Recap):

"And all that good work was wasted because their own power play continues to look worse than the guests on Jerry Springer while the Ducks produced two man-advantage goals without much of an argument from the Canucks’ vaunted penalty killing."

Willes goes on to drop a serious of further backhanded slaps. In response to the one power play goal he writes, "It should have been like the moment when prehistoric man discovered fire." And in comparrison to the Ducks power player, "that continues to manufacture goals the way rabbits manufacture babies."

It's Monday April the 23 around 10:01PM and

Honk if the Canucks won Game 7...

Okay, this is the lamest intro to a Canucks victory article, ever: "In a series with more momentum shifts that the Grouse Mountain gondola in a stiff wind, the Canucks did the unexpected Monday." Was that really on the Canucks website right now? Why yes, yes it was. And come on, did anyone really think Luongo could lose three straight? Please.

Meanwhile, The Canadian Press nails the game thusly: "The Canucks were able to win their first Game 7 in three attempts because they finally were able to put some pucks past Turco and get some production out of a power play that entered the game scoreless in 23 chances." You mean they won because they scored goals? WOW.

Now here's what I don't really understand. In no order:

-hey flag waver, who exactly do you think will see your blessed Canucks flag when you are on the 20th floor? Even after 45 minutes nobody cares.
-what kind of person gets in their car to drive around honking after this? (and of course not everyone is down with the honking.)
-okay, very funny, what was the guy who pulls out the big novelty horn and seemed to be going down Smithe street thinking.
-I guess he was trying to keep up with the cool guy with the air horn.
-tales of the honking on Scott Road are pretty amazing. Really.

It's Monday April the 23 around 7:24AM and

Canucks Ready For Do or Die?

Ready for tonight's game 7? Don't read Iain Macintyre in the Sun:

"Vancouver has lost its last two Game 7s, both at home. Eight Canucks remain from the 2003 team that smoked the exhaust pipe after leading Minnesota 3-1 in games. The Canucks have lost six straight playoff games when they had a chance to advance from a series, and are 2-8 at home since the first game of the Minnesota playoff. No National Hockey League team has ever been shut out four times in a seven-game series. No team has ever scored fewer than nine goals in a seven-game series.
And on it goes, layers of blackness deep enough to suffocate them."

Comforting, yes?

It's Sunday April the 22 around 9:02PM and

Canucks Nation Awaits Monday Game 7

So the only real question is, after two straight shutouts against Dallas, will Canucks fans be celebrating in the streets tomorrow? Or will Tuesday morning sound something more like this reaction to the Stars or this great use of Youtube - showing yourself watching the game. How creepy.

Or will the city turn Luongo into our own little 2nd coming of Jesus? Personally I prefer baby jesus, but plastic jesus is cool too. Either way, tensions are how shall we say it, high.

And no, sir, with 24, Heroes back on, and reality TV i'm not really keen on talking about (fine, The Bachelor is the most unintentionally hilarious show on TV right now.), yours truly won't be watching the potential carnage, er, glorious victory.

It's Friday April the 13 around 11:21AM and

The Brent Sopel Cracker Excuse

My friend Liam smuggly asked me to give him props for sending this information along. I considered ignoring it, but the fact that he has some sort of playoff handlebar moustache supposedly to raise money for Agents of Change. I'm not buying it, it looks like he's ready to play the cop in the Village People. I digress.

Anyway, Liam passed along this tidbit from the The Province reporting on this most ridiculous of injuries: "Brent Sopel is also questionable for tonight's game. He hurt his back trying to pick up a cracker at home. 'It's the truth,' Sopel said. 'For some of you guys who think I was a healthy scratch, you think it's all fun and games but ... being keeled over, I couldn't walk. It wasn't fun.'"

Oh Brent Sopel, will you ever win? I dread the thought of 6PM and Canucks fever this evening already.

It's Wednesday April the 11 around 8:05AM and

Canucks Playoff Run Begins Tonight

It's videos like this Ulitmate X-Treme MakeOver: Vancouver Canucks Edition which make me proud to be officially OVER hockey. Dear Ultimate fan: A. Your Dog is ridiculous B. What are you, 12? C. Just dump this idiot Krista, now. Seriously. (More from the CBC) This is pure evil.

To appease all the geeky hockey lovers, go to Go Canucks and see how you could win a Canucks Jersey. And just to see if you are paying attention, this could be the difference in the series. The Dallas Stars Ice Girls.

PS: Thank the lord and praise baby Jesus that Lost is on tonight. Don't go out to any public watering holes if you have any self respect. The jersey wearing zombies will get you. Seriously.

It's Monday April the 9 around 7:26AM and

Canucks Playoffs Schedule Or When Not to go out in the next week...

Can you handle the excitement Vancouver? Oh brother. "This series pits the two lowest-scoring teams in the Western Conference and, outside of New Jersey, the two lowest-scoring teams in the whole playoff grid," writes Scott Burnside of ESPN.com. "That means mistakes will be costly and discipline will be at a premium. It also might be a bit like watching two blades of grass grow."

Canucks Round One Playoff Schedule/The Don't bother going out in Vancouver because of the Hockey Schedule:

GAME 1: STARS @ CANUCKS WED 7:00 PM
GAME 2: STARS @ CANUCKS FRI 6:00 PM
GAME 3: CANUCKS @ STARS SUN 5:30 PM
GAME 4: CANUCKS @ STARS TUE 5:00 PM
GAME 5: STARS @ CANUCKS THU TBD
GAME 6: CANUCKS @ STARS SAT 5:00 PM
GAME 7: STARS @ CANUCKS MON TBD

It's Monday March the 12 around 11:18AM and

Dear Canucks Ultimate Fan Contest...

Earlier this season the folks at Orca Bay had a brilliant idea: Hold the “Ultimate Canucks Fan Contest”. While the team is still winning, I’m pretty sure they saw a slump coming and just wanted as many fans on record as possible...but maybe that‘s just me. Anyway, the slump never came and the contest continues. Quick bit of advice though. If you want your video posted on their site, you better be boring and/or freakishly annoying.

So far the top 2 appear to be a small child (no jokes, she really is adorable [Ed: This is just shameless. And Gross]) and some guy that claims to be a lifelong fan (this one’s great because he’s clearly from Boston. See above.) .

I think Vancouver can do better. However, due to the absolute lack of nudity on the site I suspect the really good stuff is in a private collection somewhere. Note to Nonis’s wife: You may want to take a quick peak through any boxes entering the house labeled ‘camping gear’. Just saying…

It's Wednesday January the 10 around 7:11AM and

Vote For Rory Fails to Create All Star

It’s official. Rory Fitzpatrick will not be suiting up for the NHL All Star game. THANK GOD.

Seriously, I’ve just started to recover some Canucks pride. If Fitzpatrick had hit the ice on the 24th, well that really would have just shit all over this miracle on ice last 7 games.

For all you non-hockey fans out there, Rory Fitzpatrick is your basic 2nd rate Canucks defenseman. Great guy by all accounts, but the man has 1 point to his name this season. A total unknown until some Rochester, N.Y. douche bag started a Vote for Rory‚ campaign to send Fitzpatrick to the All Star game (exposing flaws in the new voting system).

Continue reading "Vote For Rory Fails to Create All Star" »

It's Tuesday December the 12 around 7:27AM and

The Vancouverite Drinking Game, Canucks Edition!

So the Canucks are 14-15-1 and a spectacular 2-8-1 against the division. Constantly trying to claw your way out of last place…neat goal. Honestly, they’re like the slow kid at school that everyone runs by and kicks. Then the kid gets confused, thinks it’s a fun game and starts kicking himself. COME ON. Are they even trying to win anymore? The only time these boys pull off a W is when the other team totally fucks things up. And even then you can actually see the surprise on their faces when they manage to score.

The worst part of the Canucks’ season though is not all the losing. It is that they are boring. I mean, I may be able to get on board with this whole underdog thing if they could at least lose in style. Say the Sedines get drunk before the game and score on Luongo. Now that would get people excited about hockey again.

Continue reading "The Vancouverite Drinking Game, Canucks Edition!" »

It's Tuesday December the 12 around 7:21AM and

Canucks vs. Coyotes: Everything is going to be okay

Hot off thier last game lost, The Canucks faced off against long time rival the Calgary Flames at the Saddledome Saturday and came up short, again. Last night the Canucks website seriously tried to pull this tease/bait & switch on us, "Trevor Linden will attempt to lead a refreshed Canucks attack against the visiting Phoenix Coyotes Tuesday. Vancouver's offence has produced seven goals in the past two games - a win over the Hurricanes and a loss to the Flames." Tonight they face Phoenix and former Defensive player Jovo at GM Place. [Game Preview]

And the above video is the cutest thing ever, as Vancouver Canucks fans try to maintain the fact that everything is indeed going to be okay. I hear James Baker and Lee Hamilton fresh from their Iraq Study Group tour are ready to investigate the Canucks lack of scoring in an exciting "Canucks Study Group".

It's Wednesday December the 6 around 10:30AM and

New Canuck's Casual Tees

Vancouver Canucks introduced three new awesome Casual Tees! Long sleeved in white, blue and depressing grey. Featuring realistic renditions from famed Vancouver Sketch artist Gord Swick.

Casual Tee 1. Taylor Pyatt lying on a gurney holding his shoulder in agony staring at a small TV highlighting the 4 - 0 loss they suffered that same night to the coilers.

Casual Tee 2. Salo sitting in a chair with his face in his hands listening to Pratt talking about the 4 - 0 loss they suffered to that same night. He isn't wearing a shirt, it's so hot.

Casual Tee 3. Rick Rypien leaning up against the entrance to the dressing room holding a large sack of frozen peas between his legs, stuffed high into his crotch.

This is sad. I may try for the first time ever to scalp my Canucks tickets. I have a ticket for Friday against the Hurricanes and being at a losing game is such a downer. I can only hope someone starts a fight with me.

It's Tuesday December the 5 around 7:39AM and

To The Vancouver Canucks, With Love

The opener of Brad Ziemer's Vancouver Canucks story about last nights 4-0 blowout loss to Edmonton.

"Here's an idea on how to solve the Canucks' chronic goal-scoring woes.Their offensive numbers certainly wouldn't be the worst in the NHL if they could count the shots that bounce off their own players and past goalie Roberto Luongo."

HEH.

It's Wednesday November the 8 around 8:18AM and

The Vancouverite Canucks Blogger: Dry Heaving For Taylor Pyatt

So the other night I decided to be adventurous and try out one of those crazy boot camp classes. Well shit. 2 charley horses and a dry heave later my friends and I regained our sanity and went for a beer. We hit up a bar that was playing the game but unfortunately I was with non-hockey fans who wanted to talk about their relationships.

Dry heave #2. I improvised by keeping one eye on the game while pretending to engage in girl talk. My plan was working until Taylor Pyatt scored the game winner with 45 seconds on the clock. I tried to cover my reaction by pretending I was really excited about what my friend was saying. Totally inappropriate point in the conversation for that response and now I’ve been labeled the insensitive bad listener of the group. However, this win over the Stars put an end to the Canuck’s 3 game losing streak, so I say fair trade.

Anyway, it was a great game, and even more impressive considering Salo and Mitchell are still out with injuries. The Swedish band-aid Vigneault stuck on the defensive line (Manitoba Moose call up Alexander Edler) seems to be holding, and last night he even managed to pick up a point. Hope you’ve got a place to stay in Manitoba Bourdon.
Oh and in a fun turn of events, just as things are picking up for us, they’re turning crappy for Florida. Turns out they traded us a kick ass goalie for damaged goods (Bertuzzi’s out for 8 weeks with a pre-exisiting back injury and Auld just scrapped with his teammate in a hotel lobby). I especially love that this is the second time we’ve screwed them. Did ’98’s trade of a healthy Jovo for a hella injured Bure teach them nothing? Fool you once shame on us, fool you twice…..you’re a sucker. Nicely done Nonis.

It's Tuesday October the 17 around 8:57AM and

Skelators, Joey Jeremiah's, and Other Cancuks Fun

While the rest of the city begins to enjoy the day after happy pills from last night's Canucks victory, Orland Kurtenblog gives us What Would Joey Jeremiah Do? Reading about Ryan Kesler as Melanie Brodie is priceless:

"Sweet, innocent Melanie. Tall, skinny Ryan. We remember them fondly. A couple nice kids with great futures ahead. But, oh, how the peer pressure took over. The next thing we knew Melanie was stealing from her mom's wallet, smoking weed and telling everyone Kathleen's mom was an alcoholic. And Ryan? Well, Ryan got mixed up with the wrong crowd and started extorting the very same people that had stood by him for so many years. Also, he got stoned and told everyone Morrison was anorexic."

Surely this is better than Cam Cole's introduction today: "There isn't a lot in it, yet. You hear that, and you tell yourself that the season is young, but when you watch a hockey game, whether it's in October or December or March, you still want to leap to conclusions based on what looks good enough, and what doesn't."

Translation:" I could tell you what I really think, but that would expose me to possibly being dead wrong, or worse, kind of a douchebag, and I don't effing roll like that."

Although I did enjoy hearing Garry Valk this morning on CKNW talk about Sami Salo's soft groinal region and whether or not he could play tonight as well as he did last night. But here's the key, apparently the Canucks have manufactured a second line or as the Province tells it, "Second line doesn't slack or lack." And my favorite post game thought from Tony "Skelator" Gallagher:

"For the first time this season, the Vancouver Canucks looked as though they might have stumbled onto a configuration of players that has a chance to thrive for longer than it takes to pronounce Anze Kopitar.
While they only won by a goal at home and must go to Edmonton tonight to prove it wasn't just an off night for the slovenly Oilers, the Canucks generated some scoring from lines three and four while -- as always -- the Ikea line and a new second line offering on Brendan Morrison, Jan Bulis and Ryan Kesler looked like a goal was at least possible."

It's Monday October the 16 around 6:15PM and

The Vancouverite Canucks Blogger: Just Do it With Blood in the Water

This past week the Canucks kicked things off with a 2-1 shootout loss to Minnesota. A shootout loss? Really? Luongo, this is why you get the big bucks. Screwing up shootouts is not ok sweetheart. Considering that we have 1 line capable of scoring, I think shootouts are going to be kind of key for us this year. It would be pretty awesome if our goalie knew how to work them.

The streak continued with Friday’s home opener loss to the Sharks. That one hurt, but the silver lining to this 6-4 punisher was definitely the next day’s headlines. Seriously, could the sports pages have featured any more hungry shark puns? I think my personal favorite had to be “The Canucks’ thin back-end proved too tempting for a hungry Sharks side”. Honorable mention goes to “Blood was in the water — and the sharks were circling.” So sexy.

Tonight we face the Oilers and it looks like we’ll be doing it without Salo and his injured groin. I’m predicting a massacre. I don’t think this one will even make it to the shoot out. Unless perhaps our new CEO (Chris Zimmerman, ex-head of Nike Bauer Hockey) can light a fire under the team’s ass with some of that ‘Just Do It’ sis boom bah bullshit. Honestly, those Bauer ‘Earn your ice-time’ ads make me feel like I could score and I can’t even skate. Now you get those on a loop in the locker room, get Zimmerman shouting out some Nike taglines and you’ve got yourself a little game night magic. I’m sensing serious secret weapon possibilities here. And he’s not even Swedish.

Tonight: Vancouver Canucks (2-2-1) vs. Edmonton (3-1-0), 7:00 pm PST.

It's Monday October the 16 around 9:09AM and

Canuck's Lightshow of Awesome

You know this comment about the above video of the Canucks opener light show kind of says it all. "[T]he light show was better than the team that night." Anything that features a whale on skates with a flag is pure fantastic-ness. It is almost as good as Garry Valk telling Neil Macrae this morning that the fiasco that was the Canucks this weekend was, and I quote, "nerves".

PS: Posting might be a little slow this morning/afternoon.

It's Tuesday October the 10 around 6:53PM and

The Vancouverite Canucks Blogger: ‘all our Swedish eggs in one basket’

Game 1 of the season saw The Canucks take on the Red Wings and walk away with a 3-1 win. Luongo lived up to expectations (aka: carried the team) and Naslund, Linden and Salo each chipped in a goal. Linden’s was his 300th as a Canuck, and not to be outdone, Nazzi scored his with his head. I’m definitely a fan of that jazzy new move. Now if we can only get Mitchell to strap his figure skates back on, I think we could have quite a show on our hands. I see spandex and sequins…

I'll get back to that after the jump, but really it's 0-0 at the 2nd, and the best stat on the Canucks home page right now is, "Canucks 0-for-2 on the power play in the first, but match an up-tempo Wild team shot-for-shot through 20 minutes." Completely inspiring.

Continue reading "The Vancouverite Canucks Blogger: ‘all our Swedish eggs in one basket’" »

It's Wednesday October the 4 around 12:41PM and

The Vancouverite Canucks Blogger: Matt Cooke, Shiny Canucks Chew Toy?

I thought I’d disguised my small hockey town roots but apparently Jackson is too clever for me. So now I’ll be putting my shameful past to good use, writing about the Canucks for The Vancouverite. I will cover the odd stat, but I prefer discussing salacious team gossip. I mean really, would you rather know who’s leading the team in points, or that Nonis maintains his girlish figure with secret ballet classes? That’s what I thought. And now you’re picturing Nonis in tights. I’ll tell you right now, you don’t get that kind of mental treat from a stat.

Ok, so I don’t have anything quite that good but you get the idea. I do gossip. Not stats. And if you're lucky, and well behaved, I'll be dishn' out some hockey about once a week, since the "suits" here at The Vancouverite pay about as good as Socialist Worker.

Continue reading "The Vancouverite Canucks Blogger: Matt Cooke, Shiny Canucks Chew Toy?" »

It's Tuesday October the 3 around 8:17AM and

The Vancouverite Interview: A Conversation with Mike and Jason From Orland Kurtenblog

Recently we had the sheer pleasure, well, as much as firing off some questions via email can offer, past the cool kids over at Orland Kurtenblog. Since OK's Jason Brough and Mike Halford are all about the Vancouver Canucks, then it was a perfect opportunity to ask really dumb questions about the city's favorite team. Finally the city has the blog it's underachieving team deserves.

Of course, in the process we get to hear about the Canucks prospects for the season and along the way we'll hear about Dave Nonis stuffing his face with Nachos, the idea for the Surrey Canuck Mascot, why Orca Bay doesn't care about black people, lingonberry jam, and the fact that Roberto Luongo is going to be a legend at the Roxy in about six weeks. This is everything you were afraid to ask about the Canucks this season but should just keep to yourself. Prepare yourself for hockey talk people and think of that post-game hockey bag smell too to set the, er, mood. Maybe light a few candles. Voila:

The Vancouverite: Alright boys. So what made you guys finally put on the proverbial Speedo’s and jump into the blog world and start Orland Kurtenblog?

Mike: I’ve never been overly amused by mainstream hockey coverage…I’m a big fan of websites like Deadspin, Free Darko and Kissing Suzy Kolber – they entertain by denouncing the lofty status professional athletes have in society. It’s a dynamic sorely lacking in local media circles and especially within the NHL – the game and players are so revered in Canada. In this light, it’s almost blasphemous to say certain shit, like how I think Bobby Clarke is a huge douchebag, or how Trevor Letowski looks like Scotty Hamilton. So I guess that’s what the B in KB stands for – blasphemy.

Jason: As for me, I came for the blogging, but I’m staying for the groupies. So, ladies, come one, come all to the KB Groupie Tryout, to be held at the main ballroom of the Sheraton Wall Centre next Saturday at 11am. And, remember, looks count most, but enthusiasm is the tie-breaker.

Continue reading "The Vancouverite Interview: A Conversation with Mike and Jason From Orland Kurtenblog" »

It's Wednesday September the 20 around 2:37AM and

Exact Moment When Cancucks Lost Last Season

It's almost time for hockey. Are you pumped? Our smutty Cancucks blogger is about to grace us with her presence in the next few days. So let's turn the clock back to last season and show you the exact moment where the Vancouver Canucks officially lost the season. I believe it was five seconds into this video, where the live flute jam session started what is most likely the worst psych-up/sports introduction video, EVER. Pretty sure this wholesale suckage was reason they lost, since nothing is really ever as thrilling on paper as when a bald guy is actually playing his flute (or whatever) at a Hockey match.

At about 1:27 into this epic tale you can actually see where a little part of Trevor Linden actually dies. And somehow the rabid Vancouver Canuck crowd didn't do anything to stop this. Stunning. Absolutely stunning.

It's Thursday August the 31 around 4:44AM and

Stephen Harper Hearts Olympic Medal Winner Hotties

Metro News fronted this amazing photo this morning from the 2010 Olympic news conference with Prime Minister Harper and Gordon Campbell yesterday. To which we have three comments:

1. What kind of amazing ensemble is Gordo wearing? Is that like a grey-blue tweed?

2. Let me get this straight, the girl, Mellisa Hollingsworth-Richards won a bronze medal for the pant soiling Skeleton and yet she looks just like when Katie Holmes gets to leave the Tom Cruise bunker/mothership. She looks petrified with fear. "Get your hand off my back Mr. Premier"

3. What is Stephen Harper looking at exactly? I think the PM is checking her out. (see: 2)

It's Friday August the 4 around 2:12PM and

The shame of being #52

You get so used to the rest of the known world kissing Vancouver's ass, that it is sometimes a wake up call when The Sporting News labels you #52 in its annual rankings of sports cities. Not only that we fee 11 spots from last year. Oh the shame. Wait a second, people still read the Sporting News? Wierd.

Anyway, Orland Kurtenblog sums up the reasons for our poor showing, since The Sporting News doesn't give any reasons.

As for Vancouver, I think hosting the most successful Grey Cup in recent years should count for something, as well as selling out every single regular season Canucks' game. And don't forget about hosting the Canadian Open. But the fact remains: win-loss records and playoff appearances are at the top of the list, and the Lions and Canucks both bit the big one in 2005.

Apparently this means that the Canucks need to actually win, and not just talk about giving 110% for the regular season and then choke. I get it now. This is a coded message for that empty suit Nonis who is embarassing the entire city, thanks a lot, jerk. Over to you Dave.

It's Thursday August the 3 around 7:59AM and

A New Canucks Blog In Town

Obviously Miss 604 was correct when she said, "it's never too early/late to talk about hockey." And to prove the thesis, a new Canucks blog has launched. Orland Kurtenblog promises that they're "Kind Of A Big Deal" suggesting, ""People know the Kurtenblog. We're very important. We have many leather-bound books and this blog smells of rich mahogany."

Mmmm. rich mahogany. And they seem to speak the truth, and a lot of trash, having already been noticed by Deadspin, American Hockey Fan, and Off Wing Opinion.

But golden nuggets of Canuckistan lore like what Jim Sandlak has been doing, Garth Snow being kind of a pimp, and the legendary tales of Petri Skirko are no doubt only the beginging.

Welcome to the party pals. I like it.

It's Thursday August the 3 around 7:50AM and

Lame Sport Promotion: Pony Tail Night

I'm pretty sure the Vancouver Whitecaps need to fire their promotions director. They just don't get it:

The Whitecaps are offering a free ticket to the first 500 girls accompanied by a paying adult wearing a ponytail for their game on Friday against the Seattle Sounders Saints.
"The ponytail is symbolic of women in sport, combining femininity and athletics," said Bob Lenarduzzi, the Whitecaps director of soccer operations. "We have a number of players on our team that wear ponytails on the pitch."

How totally lame. Deadspin finds the gems of Minor League Baseball this week for a quick comparisson of fun promotions. They include: Napoleon Dynamite Night with Efren Ramirez, Superhero Saturday, College Course Giveaway, and my favorite Britney Spears Baby Safety Night. The key being fun Whitecaps.

It's Wednesday August the 2 around 11:20AM and

Vancouver Canucks Rumour Central

It's only 63 days, 4 hours and 30 something minutes until the NHL season begins on October 4th. Vancouver Canucks Oped is already on the case. First Discovering the new Vancouver Canucks Rumours blog and then discussing the potential trade of the Sedins Sister. Yep, Its still too early to talk about hockey.

I wonder if Vancouver Canucks Rumours will figure out what the latest is in the Dan Cloutier story. That would be excellent.

It's Tuesday August the 1 around 5:51AM and

Notes from the Nat

This is pretty hot. Just noticed that there is a Vancouver Canadians blog: Notes from the Nat: Vancouver Canadians Unofficial Blog. I kind of like the no holds barred opinion and frequent use of player nicknames, Berman style. Here's a couple of clips:

Cobb, Sulentic, Dowling - those are the three position players capable of turning around any game this season's Vancouver Canadians play, and it's no surprise that, once again, those three were the only ones showing real life out there tonight at The Nat as the Tri-City Dust Devils beat the living crap out of Inoel Deaza and Derrick Gordon to toast the good guys 8-1.

From this moment on, Howling Greg Dowling will be known as Prowling Greg Dowling. Dude's an assassin right now. Rosie Rosendo started for a second straight game, giving Jake Smith a much-needed rest - let's see if The Rake can come back tomorrow with a little steel in his garden tools.

Note: I've linked the posts at Urban Vancouver since the actual site seems to down currently. But cool. Hopefully the real site will come back.

It's Thursday July the 27 around 10:41AM and

Vancouver Canadians Need Mullets

One side effect of being a travelling hobo and missing summer in Vancouver is missing the entire season of Vancouver Canadians games. There is nothing better than minor league baseball. It's best served up, how Deadspin sees it, with Mullet nights, and Dukes of Hazzard nights.

"Although now nearly extinct in the wild, the mullet once roamed in great herds across the North American continent. And thanks to the Portland Beavers of the Pacific Coast League, you can relive the glory on Thursday during Miller Lite Mullet Night, as the Beavers take on the Oklahoma RedHawks. Among the Mullet Night activities in previous years have been hubcap-tossing, toilet-seat horseshoes, a redneck dress-up contest and demoltion derby. Or wait, that last one may have been just the clearing the parking lot at the end of the game."

The C's could maybe use a mullet night perhaps to jolt them into first place - they are currently 1 game behind Salem-Keizer. And with a 14-5 home record, chances are you could see a W. But as far as I can see Friday is Fireworks night - not exactly a big draw during the real fireworks we suspect - and then on Saturday it's "Ladies Night" - free roses to the first 1000 ladies fellas! Show us a Ladie's Mullet Night and you have a deal partner.

It's Monday June the 12 around 3:42PM and

Hooligans on the Drive

How amazing is it that the World Cup is finally here? Not so amazing unless you really like soccer... Fortunately, they appear to have quarantined a special part of the city just for those wacky football fans. Not surprisingly, this bastion of the world's most popular sport is to be found down at Commercial Drive, where just about every cafe, restaurant and corner store will be showing all the games live.

They've even got this fancy thing set up called the Soccerio, where you can watch some of the games in an old movie theatre. Kind of cool, but in my opinion the best part of the World Cup is being able to drink beer at inappropriate hours of the morning, and the movie theatre isn't licensed. Perhaps this is some kind of attempt to keep down any potential hooliganism, but unless a lot of English fans arrive to take on the Italians, Brazlians and Portuguese who basically own the space right now, it's not likely to be a huge problem. Damn.

It's Tuesday April the 25 around 11:08PM and

Nonis Fires Crawford

Well, it is done my pretties. Marc Crawford was finally fired today by The Family Guy’s Peter Griffin, er, I mean Dave Nonis. We get them confused all the time. Not sure how many hours after the news breaks that this will finally hit the site, since it is (as of 11:29 PM, still down for some reason).

Sure Crawford’s 246-197-70-24 coaching record sets the clubs record for wins, but it just wasn’t getting the job done. Nonis goes on about how Crawford took the news in this amazing audio clip. Now the search is on for the new coach. Some yahoos are throwing around getting recently fired Leaf coach Pat Quinn back here, but good lord that sounds reckless at best.

How can sports let fired coaches ever coach again. You weren’t good enough to coach, and you were fired, but hey, it’s not you, it’s us. Riiiighhhttt.

It's Tuesday April the 11 around 7:34AM and

Canucks, The Morning After

If you read this blog often, you might get the sense that I take much glee in those times when the Canucks lose. Not true. Really. I just really like the post-game depression and self loathing in the locker room and city, and then the fresh chum in the water for the press. I'm sick. I know.

The Province devotes both the front and back page to the loss last night. The front has the headline of "Another nail in Canucks' coffin." Ben Kuzma describes the game this way, "instead of barging through the door of opportunity, the Vancouver Canucks quickly tripped and fell flat on their faces Monday before regaining their composure in a crucial 4-2 loss to the Ducks at GM Place."

Over in The Sun, Iain Macintyre talks about the elusive puck luck, "Darn. This thing might be harder to fix than we thought. Turns out it wasn't the uniforms. Anyone thought about changing the stick tape?
Maybe it's the colour of the ice. Or the colour of the blue lines. Maybe it's the players."

Vancouver Canucks Oped goes the other way. Not the players, not the puck luck, not the uniforms. It's the coach. "If the Canucks miss the playoffs, I think we just watched the game that gets Canucks’ coach Marc Crawford fired next week." And then there is this, "That might have been the most poorly coached game that Crawford has ever anchored in Vancouver. And at the worst time possible."

Slightly related: Hockey Dirt finds that the NHL on NBC ratings are down 21% from 2-years ago on ABC before going on to say this, "Ratings in Canada have reportedly been solid, but will take a big hit in the Leaf-less playoffs. If the Canucks also succeed in playing themselves into an early golf season CBC executives will feel downright Bertuzzi'd." Bertuzzi'd. That's brilliant.

Totally unrelated: A good metaphor for the Canucks this season might to visit the Kevin Federline Myspace page. Complex. Frightening. Incompetent. Useless. Popozow.

It's Monday April the 10 around 11:24PM and

Canucks Lose 4-2: When 110% Isn't Enough

The vintage jereseys didn't help much tonight even if the Canucks did play hard. Sometimes hard isn't enough. Sometimes it isn't your night. Or as 'The Stranger' would say in The Big lebowski, "Sometimes you eat the bar, and sometimes, well, he eats you." Anyway, Vancouver lost to the Mighty Ducks 4-2 as they clinched their playoff spot tonight. Pretty sure this quick first period summary from the Canucks Blog tells the entire story:

"don’t know what it is, but the Canucks could have been up 3-2 in this game with a couple of bounces……. That being said, they could also have been down 4-0……. Vancouver applied pressure on the Ducks and just couldn’t beat Giguere…….. The Canucks outshot the Ducks 12-7 but every turnover Vancouver made turned into a goal for Anaheim."

Look, if you can outshoot the other guys 21-3 in a period (33-10 in two) and still can't catch a "break", you should have thought about winning some more games in, say, January, February, or March rather than scrambling just to sneak into the playoffs in April. You see, now you don't control your destiny anymore boys. PS: I'd hate to be Keith Carney tomorrow morning in this city, with his amazing goal on Auld last night. Whoops!

It's Monday April the 3 around 10:30PM and

Canucks Lose 1-0: Polishing Golf Clubs?

Not even the 36 saves by Alex Auld could save the Canucks from themselves tonight. In honor of their late season collapse, we give you a picture of golf-babe Natalie Gulbis - gotta have something to cheer the city up. I'm shameless. The L.A. Kings only won 1-0. But, really, it could have been much, much, worse. In the 2nd alone the Kings outshot the 'Nucks 19-5.

The Canucks blog was hilarious tonight. From the complaints about the crappy Pay-Per-View debacle to the officiating, and then the final 5:33 of the game where they "can’t get anything going here." No kidding - and they even pulled Auld! Although that was trying to be nice. Over at the Canucks Forum you get, "time for golf", and "Did they even shoot the puck in the last 5 min?" I think somewhere I also read about "Floatuzzi". Oh my.

Here's the bad news:

Canucks are in 8th with 87 pts and 5GR; Edmonton is 7th with 88pts and 6GR; Both SJS and LAK are tied for 9th at 85pts - SJS has 8GR, while LAK has 6GR…… Canucks next game is Saturday against the Flames in Vancouver

Guesses on requisite Province Back Cover headline tommorow? Drop 'em in the comments.

It's Sunday April the 2 around 9:15PM and

Canucks Lose 6-2: Just Ducky...

The Canucks have slipped rather quickly back into must-win territory after todayt's 6-2 loss at the hands of the Mighty Ducks. There hasn't been this much of a turkey shoot since Dick Cheney went hunting with his buddy. Gulp.

It's Saturday April the 1 around 9:50AM and

Canucks Lose: 2-1 in a Shootout

The Vancouver Sun's Cam Cole starts his post loss article with a bang. The headline: "Canucks recipe for egg salad". Here's the lede:

"It took 10 days -- five games, four of them wins -- for the Vancouver Canucks to get themselves out of intensive care, their condition upgraded from critical to serious but guarded. One shootout loss, and they're back on close supervision. Several hundred thousand nurses are watching them like hawks."

Meanwhile, over at A Canuck's Fan, it's "Brokeback Canucks" time.

It's Friday March the 31 around 6:19AM and

Bertuzzi Speaks

They have jumped up in the NHL Power rankings ("Gotta thank Danny and Hank") from 16 to 12, so naturally The Province is ready to feed the hype - with a back cover and big story on Todd Bertuzzi. Ed Willes asks us to put ourselves in Bert's stinky shoes. He's quite the philosopher-knuckle dragger our Bertuzzi:

"I don't like to hear I'm s--t, that I shouldn't be in this city, that I'm a bad player. Nobody likes to hear that. But being told that for a full season absolutely sucks. It's not fun. I can't say I've had fun playing in this city this year. But I have a loyal following and we have great fans here. That, in the long run, makes it worthwhile."

Of course you do Bert. Of course you do.

More: Game Preview for tonight's Mild Wild matchup.

It's Tuesday March the 28 around 8:36AM and

Canucks Win: 7-4, Kings for a Day

I'm not going to make excuses for no posting yesterday. Just know that it hurts me as much as it hurts you. Anyways, the Canucks gave another "hey this is really a hockey team" performence last night with a 7-4 win over the L.A. Kings. Have you caught Alex Burrows fever yet? Guy doesn't score for 22 games, then unloads with a hat trick. Ridiculous. Or are you in full on Canucks White Towel fever:

With nine games to go, the Canucks are now three points clear of L.A., which has a game in hand.
The win moved the Canucks back into a playoff position, but all the teams they're competing against for a postseason spot have at least a game in hand.

Apparently all this playoff excitement makes The Sun's Brad Ziemer think of Snakes and Ladders. What a terrible lede. If you want to do it right it has to be something more like this one: "Lately, I’ve been having this recurring dream where I’m alternately beating up and making out with Jonathan Safran Foer." (Via Gawker - Of course it was at the NY Post, a real paper anyway.) Now that's a lede. So if I was writing about the Canucks maybe I would start with a "Lately, I’ve been having this recurring dream about the Canucks where I’m alternately beating up and making out with Markus Nasland." Or not. That sounds way too creepy come to think of it.

Meanwhile, Vancouver Canucks Oped has an amazing Kings Fan Quote of the day: "The Kings Are Nothing More Than a Gigantic Disappointment. They’re like the girlfriend you just can’t get rid of. The sex is great, but then you have to put up with the rest… but the sex is worth it. Or is it?" Wow, and I thought Canucks fans were a tough crowd.

It's Sunday March the 26 around 12:15PM and

Canucks Lose 3-2: Sp-Oilers

Kind of off to a slower start today, so you'll be over this stuff by the time you read it, but I feel we should post about the Canucks anyway. Sure they took two of three from the Edmonton Oilers, but the momentum killer could be the 3rd game 3-2 loss. I think this sums up what is at stake for the Canucks and why they are in such trouble: "Lay off the whip for a moment down the stretch drive and you'll lose ground to hard-charging competition."

So the Canucks are in 8th place and the playoff race is getting tighter and tighter. That's what happens when you play inconsistently. The Kings are just 1-point behind the Canucks now. Hey guess what they play them on Monday too, so that's something right? Even if they do make it, let's just say they won't have to worry about being the team to watch me thinks. Duke they ain't to use the March Madness analogy.

It's Thursday March the 23 around 10:22PM and

Canucks Win 4-3, #1 line Not Dead Yet

Only the Canucks could take fans to the brink of total collapse and the agony of total breakdown and then start winning games again. And could it be? They beat the Oilers 4-3 and the 2nd time in a row. Only Saturday's big third test remains of this must-win series.

The big line of Naslund and Bertuzzi put the puck in the net a couple of times tonight, and did it when it counted in the shootout too. Never mind the 2nd period fiasco of leading 2-0, and then going into the 3rd down 3-2 when they were outshot 15-5. So here's the hard part. Is Bertuzzi back? One forum poster suggested, "thats about the bizzilionth time that he's been declared "back" now..." It's kind of like that scene in Star Wars:

Luke: Got 'im! I got 'im! Han Solo: Great, kid. Don't get cocky.

More: Vancouver Canucks Oped

It's Tuesday March the 21 around 8:41PM and

Canucks: Win 4-1 "My Name is Trevor"

I could probably make up some elaborate excuse as to why I haven't posted yet today, and you'd probably buy it. Something like how I was supporting the Canucks by not posting anything negative. Whatevs. Truth is i was too busy. Turns out the Canucks won anyway. They beat the Oilers 4-1, which probably means Trevor Linden slapped some of the players around the locker room in some weird/aggressive "My Name is Earl" pay it back strategy. Maybe the team needs handlebar moustaches? Just a thought.

Linden started things off with his 7th in the 1st, then added another helper point in the 3rd playing nice with the Sedins. Daniel scored twice. Hell even Bertuzzi got a point. It is always like the Canucks to push fans to the brink before throwing them a bone.

It's Monday March the 20 around 6:17AM and

Canucks Lose 7-3: Golf Season To Start Soon?

You know, when you get beat down 7-3, there are other headlines I would think The Province could have come up with over, "Season Slipping Away." Especially when you read this bit: "Not only did the Canucks give the league's top-rated power play six chances in the opening 20 minutes, they couldn't even defend well 5-on-5 in what was easily their worst period of the season, and were greeted by a chorus of boos."

The Sun offers the more hard hitting headline, "Back off track: Detroit dismantles Vancouver". "he Canucks now have something in common with Gordie Howe. They're both No. 9. For the first time all season, Vancouver is out of the top eight in the NHL's Western Conference standings."

Vancouver Canucks Oped says, "Why - in the name of all that is good in the universe - do you put Naslund and Bertuzzi on the ice with less than a minute to play? Defense is not their forte by any stretch of the imagination. And so the puck ends up in the net with only seconds on the clock."

Personally I like CKNW's Neil Macrae's summary judgement this morning: "The Canucks are all playing they call Rick Tocchet and bet against themselves." He added, "If this were Toronto they would be run out of town." Nice.

It's Wednesday March the 15 around 6:33AM and

Morning In Canuckland: Taco Time

The Province kicks things off this morning, or just kicks the Canucks when they are down depending on how you look at it. They give the back page the Canucks treatment with a "How Low Can They Go" Headline.

*I don't even get this Iain Macintyre Vancouver sun column today. Well, I get the article, but what an AMAZING Title: "Taco time bites for Canucks. Predators fans enjoy Mexican treats at expense of starving Canucks."

*In another article Macintyre starts off this way, "Mathematically, the Vancouver Canucks are doomed. If the best they can hope for is a 0-0 tie, there's no way they'll make the National Hockey League playoffs."

*Vancouver Canucks Oped sums the situation up like this: "Nashville looks like the 2002-03 Canucks, and Vancouver looks like the 2002-03 Predators. *gulp*"

*It's gotten so bad, that even the Canucks broadcasts are moving radio stations. After 30-years on CKNW, the Canucks broadcasts are moving to CHUM's Team 1040.

It's Tuesday March the 14 around 9:49PM and

Canucks Lose 5-0: Shooting Blanks

This wasn't pretty. At all. Even the Canucks own website game recap for tonight's loss to the Nashvillians failed to accentuate the positive. Sounds like everyone has pretty much had enough.

They've lost five straight games and have struggled to muster any meaningful offence.
It's safe to say it's getting very cold in the shadows of the Western Conference playoff race.

A 5-0 loss in Nashville and another doughnut on the power play dropped a frustrated Vancouver team right down to the cut-off line.

The Canucks have scored just six goals in their past five games.

But wait, there's more:

Bruised Canuck confidence wasn't getting any help from the power play. They finished 0-for-9 and were held scoreless with the man advantage for the seventh time in 10 games. It's an ugly spree that's prompting squeals of delight in Calgary, Edmonton, and Colorado.
With 15 games remaining, the Canucks are seven points back of the Northwest Division-leading Flames. More frightening, the Canucks are just two points out of ninth.

Now with 15 games left is there anything the Canucks can do? Perhaps some smoke and mirrors type promotions to distract the fans until Crawford (...DaysAreNumbered. Cough. Cough.) gets a handle on things. Something like say, Dick Cheney hunting vest give-away nights? Panic is about to grip the city. Hospitals are going to fill up with those jumping off the Canucks bandwagon. Watch yourselves.

It's Tuesday March the 14 around 8:25AM and

Canucks Lose, GM Place Has HazMat Scare

While the Canucks were getting schooled in Dallas 4-2, GM Place went into quarantine after, "A letter containing suspicious white powder" was found.

"The letter referred to Canucks star Todd Bertuzzi, although no other details were released. Bertuzzi was suspended and reinstated by the NHL for his on-ice attack of Steve Moore in 2004. He played for Canada at the Turin Olympics."

PS: The Canucks have only one line. Vancouver Canucks Oped just says it. The 2nd line is the 1st line. "In the last 4 games, the Canucks have produced 6 goals & 12 assists. 16 of those points were earned by the SCS trio mentioned above."

[More: CKNW]

It's Thursday March the 9 around 9:21PM and

Canucks: The Dealer

The Canucks made one last deal on what the NHL is now claiming as the biggest deadline day in history. The got more defense by picking up Eric Weinrich from St. Louis for a prospect and a 3rd Rounder. Who knew GM Dave Nonis had this much hardcore action up his sleave? Honestly I bet most of the city is pretty happy with the deals, although the costs might hurt the old farm system. Oh well, the Moose get screwed.

Meanwhile Vancouver just lost 3-2 in Overtime to Nashville. So what are you going to do.

It's Thursday March the 9 around 12:31PM and

Cloutier Is Alive & Lovin' It

It sure is nice to see the photographic proof that injured and often rumoured Canuck goalie Dan Cloutier took time out from his hermit lifestyle to do an event at a McDonalds.

Cloutier was awaited by a huge lineup of fans who waited outside the building in order to get a chance to see him. Many fans were especially excited to see Clouts as this will be the first time they have seen him in months. In order to show his appreciation to fans who have supported him through this tough time, Dan chatted with some of the kids and signed autograph cards and jerseys.

It's Thursday March the 9 around 12:19PM and

Canucks Make Some Moves

Finally the Canucks make some moves - and just before the deadline. "General Manager Dave Nonis announced Wednesday that defenceman Sean Brown has been acquired from the New Jersey Devils in exchange for a fourth round pick in the 2006 NHL Entry Draft."

Nonis also acquired, "goaltender Mika Noronen has been acquired from the Buffalo Sabres in exchange for a second round pick in the 2006 NHL Entry Draft."

And then just for good measure one more deal. According to Vancouver Canucks Oped, "The Brian Burke - Dave Nonis Connection might have paid off - we’ve got another defenseman. This time, it’s from the Anaheim Ducks, in the form of Keith Carney."

Mmm...what do we think? We couldn't dump Bertuzzi on anyone?

It's Monday February the 27 around 11:39PM and

Canucks: Mid Point Spin

Spin: "To provide an interpretation of (a statement or event, for example), especially in a way meant to sway public opinion: “a messenger who spins bogus research into a vile theology of hatred” (William A. Henry III)." Okay - maybe not the vile theology of hatred bit, but it is spin, I can assure you of that. You can tell by Friday dump time. Whatever I think, it is what the Canucks' own Kevin Kinghorn was serving up this weekend. [Via Vancouver Canucks Oped]

But yeah, it is a bunch of good news. That a about $4 will get you a coffee at Starbucks. Nothing to see here. Everything is fine. Don't panic.

Sports Extra, Extra: 1. Is it too late to trade Bertuzzi for some meat? 2. At least we aren't the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, right? 3. Hoth 2014.

It's Sunday February the 26 around 5:59PM and

Countdown to 2010 Olympic Hell

Okay, I stomached the Olympic Closing ceremonies. Dear god. My eyes. Is this really what we have to look forward to in 4 years? At least NBC's lame delayed coverage cuts a lot of the boring parts out. But still.

What was with the clown marching band doing The Village People's YMCA? That was totally c-r-e-e-p-y. In fact, there was WAY too much "clown," period.

Ahhhh...One last look at Skeleton Bronze Medalist hottie Mellisa Hollingsworth-Richards. Still disapointed that she's married to some rodeo clown named Billy. And same goes for Sasha Cohen - pardon me, but how was she just walking around the closing ceremonies by herself?

Two words. Fiat? Really? How the hell did that get in there? Sorry my bad forget about that, how is Ricky Martin singing here?

Avril Lavigne looked great. Although some suggested she didn't. "What's with the Farrah Fawcett hair and froofy look? Looks like the 3rd Olsen twin. Get the handlers away from her!" What really was lame was that Avril followed a fish onto stage.

I thought this review of the thing was amusing. "Great... Igloos, salmon and eskimos... being presented as part of Canada's welcome to the world," writes GungHaggisFatChoy. "At least Avril Lavigne isn't dressed up in a parka." I would suggest that whoever organized the Vancouver portion of entertainment should go out for a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.

Am I the only one who thinks Mayor Sam Sullivan is going to come back to Vancouver with his head crammed full of all the shameless brown nosing that NBC gave him? God help us if he wins a 2nd term and gets to do it all over again in 2010.

And meanwhile, over on ABC's Dancing with the Stars, I can actually see Nick Lachey's brother Drew finally figuring out that this gives him permanent membership on the D-list. Way to go Drew. Enjoy.

Final 10-word review of the presentation Vancouver bored the world with: ice fishing, fake ice block dance sequence, a fish, Avril Lavigne. Translation: total embarrassment. Don't look at us. We're hideous. On the one bright spot, yes Avril's hair was massively 70's hot.

It's Wednesday February the 22 around 6:31PM and

Torino Olympics Eat Canucks Up

Wow. Torino was dead anyway, right? Team Canada just wasn't up to the task as they lost 2-0, again, this time to the old Cold War foes of Russia. Kind of takes the lustre off the new CBC movie "Canada Russia 72". Ouch that burns.

Anyway, here are three things to consider for the Vancouver Canucks when the NHL resumes.

1. If Todd Bertuzzi plays like he did during the Olympics, he be more helpful on the bench. I think the fork is in this guy, please tell me when he's done.

2. Sami Salo got a really nice seperated shoulder in todays game, where he and the Finns ousted the Americans. Gulp.

3. Mattias Ohlund suffered some bruised ribs for Sweden today. Double Gulp.

It's Sunday February the 19 around 7:18PM and

Is This What 2010 Looks Like?

I would say that the coverage and the experience of the Torino Olympics has been, well, mixed to say the least. But there are some things I'd like to discuss in light of the Winter Games next stop, here in Vancouver 2010 and what we can expect.

Snowboard Cross. Over at Slate, where there is some of the smartest Olympic coverage going on, Troy Patterson describes the sport as a, "Mountain Dew commercial directed by David Lean: Four snowboarders simultaneously negotiate a twisting 900-meter course, taking jumps, taking spills." I agree, this sport would only be better if they added guns, and possibly Dick Cheney. And anything that prompts people to compare it favorably to NASCAR, is worrysome at best.

NBC's coverage, what up dog? The Olympics are not testing the waters of high ratings on TV. CBC is getting some thumbs up for their coverage, but NBC has hit rock bottom with the taped delayed prime time content. And to think they have Bob Costas too. It makes no sense. Back to Slate for yet another one-liner: "next week NBC will pull all sorts of ratings stunts. They'll prod the female figure skaters to tongue-kiss each other. They'll force the ski-jumpers to eat maggots on camera. They'll award a gold medal to any athlete who can pick the correct briefcase from an identical array. Is there some means by which Johnny Weir and Seth Westcott might be marooned on a tropical island together?" See also, TV Squad who bemoans the superflouos NBC coverage of curling, describing it as combining: "the heart-pounding pace of horseshoes with the excitement of...sweeping your kitchen floor." Ouch.

Flakes like Johnny Weir. Can you wait for the 2010 version? I think not. Gawker explains, "The man describes himself as 'princessy,' applies self-tanner before performances, compares the competition to a 'shot-of-vodka-and-a-snort-of-coke kind of thing,' and skates wearing a single red glove named 'Camille.'" Seriously? Then there is the images of him showing up in a CCCP sweatshirt for practice. I totally heart you Soviet Union. Come on Johnny, grow up. [MSNBC]

What's the deal with biathlon? For some it's the quirky Zooey Deschanel event of the Olympics. And yes, it does feature guns - something snowboard cross unfortunetly does not. But this sport is the European equivalent of televised bowling - or possibly poker (okay it's not that bad). Whatever you get my drift.

Send in the Clowns. Is it me or are the costumes for the figure skaters actually getting worse? Today's New York Times asked if "Ronald McDonald became a sportswear designer." The Washington Post, not to be outdone, adds, "Oh, the horror! Enough Day-Glo to light up a small village. Tattered numbers that look like ragbag rejects. More fringe, sequins and sparkles than even a circus act would find acceptable. And colors so wild they're not even in Crayola's 64-pack." Thank goodness for Sasha Cohen.

It's Sunday February the 19 around 2:44PM and

Torino Update: Canada Loses 2-0, Again

Pretty sure that Wayne Gretzky and the Canadian Olympic overlords are popping Imodium AD and Tums like they are candy right now. The Canadian Men's Hockey team just lost 2-0, again, this time to Finland. As Scott Bakula would say on Quantum Leap, "Oh, Boy." Team Canada is totally stealing plays directly out of the Canucks inconsistent playbook which at the best of times is unadvisable. No reports on the health of coach Pat Quinn - truthfully we suspect that his head must have popped off his body after this game. Not good.

Vancouver Canucks Oped has a funny post suggesting that "Canada’s offense couldn’t find a puck in the slot in front of an open net if you gift-wrapped it, and sent it air-mail to the tape on their sticks." Zing!

Meanwhile the downfall of Gretzky continues over at Sports Goons, "Wayne Gretzky, the best hockey player in history, had his legend further tarnished on Thursday when it was discovered he ate a bag of Cheetos and had a chocolate chip cookie at lunch nearly a week ago."

Bonus: Why is the "Great One's" website so lame? We're just saying.

It's Sunday February the 12 around 9:54PM and

Canucks Win 3-2 in OT

Well it would seem that the Canucks have found thier ability to win, again. Which is just Vancouver's luck getting the groove back just before a break. And of course, it was the Sedins rising to the occasion yet again. "Daniel Sedin, with his 16th of the year," reports CBC Sports, "Gave the Canucks a key two points on a setup by Henrik and defenceman Bryan Allen, beating Manny Fernandez at 1:26 of the extra frame."

Now we the Vancouver head office can spend the next two weeks praying to the hockey gods that neither Sedin comes back hurt while they play in the Olympics in Turin. How will they play the rest of the year being two points behind the Flames at this point?

It's Wednesday February the 8 around 10:17PM and

Canucks Lose: 4-2

What do you suppose, that in the morning at least two newspapers will use the 'blues' in talking about the Canucks loss in their story headlines (like this Denver site). Of course, the St. Louis Blues comes to Vancouver with the 3rd worst road record, 10 straight road losses, a place where they haven't beaten the Canucks in five years and they win 4-2.

Game Notes: Richard Park (after a 13 game absense) and Todd Bertuzzi score goals, Marcus Naslund has two helpers, the Sedin's didn't score, Anson Carter didn't play (oh crap!) so no wonder the Sedin's were silent, the Blues scored 4 times on 24 shots, and the Canucks scored twice on 33 shots on net.

More: Vancouver Canucks Oped summed up the game like this, "Done like Dinner" Meanwhile, keep in the bowels of Canucks.com, the posting forum asks, "what would Brian Burke do?"

It's Monday February the 6 around 10:01PM and

Canucks Win 7-4

With the Sedin's rise to power taking hold, Henrik wins the Offensive Player of the Week award as brother Daniel is a runner up. Then Daniel ads another goal and a helper, while Henrik added two more assists himself to tonight to continue the Sedin-ization of the Canucks offense. But lest we forget about the other brother, Anson Carter who had a goal and a helper too. Vancouver wins 7-4 over the Columbus Blue Jackets. Seven goals are good.

Your water cooler stats for the AM: Alex Auld get's 2nd assist, Power play was big tonight (5-11), Sedin's assist on Carter's goal was his 200th point, Vancouver improved to 82-21-14 when both twins record a point,

Bonus Talking point: Todd Bertuzzi was the first star, Dan Russell claims Sports Net was whoring the love to Bertuzzi, discuss.

It's Sunday February the 5 around 9:29AM and

Canucks Fizzle In Edmonton

You could blame it on the 7 game road trip. You could blame it on the back-to-back games in Alberta, no less, to end said roadtrip. Then again maybe the fact that tired or not, they have to show up and being outshot 40-17, losing 72% of the faceoffs, and having to spend most of the game in your own you kind of deserve to lose dontcha. But the reality is, that Edmonton simply earned their 3-1 victory last night over the Canucks. They wanted it, we didn't.

The Province's Jason Botchford sums up the game nicely. "Somehow the Canucks managed to follow up an impressively diligent and industrious win against the Flames Friday by going AWOL."

The biggest news in the game seems to be that Alex Auld was the only thing that kept this game from being 6-1 or 7-1. Cloutier who? That and the continuing play of Vancouver's Number One Line - Anson Carter, Daniel Sedin, and Henrick Sedin - who had the lion's share of Vancouver's offensive chances and the lone goal. Bertuzzi huh? Nasland wha? Oh sweet fickle Vancouver. If there ever is a bandwagon to jump onto we do it with a certain carefree gusto.

It's Friday February the 3 around 10:14PM and

Canucks Win 3-1 Calgary

The Canucks are grinding themselves into first place (31-18-5) in the Northwest. Tonight Vancouver beats Calgary 3-1, on Marc Crawford's 400th career victory, and as the Sedins seem to be gaining new confidence by the game. Tonight Henrik Sedin had a goal and an assist while brother Daniel Sedin added three assists. What sort of crazy world are we in now?

Adding to the Sedin show, was Ryan Kesler who scored the deciding goal and fighting Jermoe iginla with entertaining results according to the ticker. The Canucks Blog, "5:45 - WHAT A FIGHT….. Ryan Kesler to ok on Jerome Iginla right off the faceoff and both guys threw some good punches and both connected as well…… I would call it a draw, but Kesler shouldn’t even be in the same class as Iginla……. A great tilt. They fought for 1:03!" You have to love dropping the gloves down with another team's star.

It's Tuesday January the 31 around 9:07PM and

Wonder Sedin Twin Powers, Activate!

Wow. Jovo is out, but just like Rory Gilmore saved Paris's ass and the Yale newspaper tonight, the show must go on. I'm pretty sure that this is officially the first Gilmore Girls - Vancouver Canucks cross blog posting mess ever. The Wonder Twins are just in here for good measure, you dig.

Where was I? Right, Vancouver soundly beat Phoenix 7-4 in Glendale Arizona tonight.

Game highlights: Auld saves 42. Sendin Sister Henrik had 4-points. Nasland returns with Goal. Bertuzzi scores (empty net, lame). Even Tyler "I haven't scored a goal since March 2004" Bouck scored. Trevor Linden and Ryan Kessler each had two helpers. 7-goals on 26 shots = scary efficient.

Nice to see Crawford scold the team anyway, that's hot:
"We have to be better than we were today," said Vancouver head coach Marc Crawford. "We took too many dumb penalties. We keep doing that; we keep giving teams a chance to get back in games."

It's Monday January the 30 around 8:14PM and

Canucks Update: Fun With Vancouver Sports Writers

With Ed Jovanovski out of the Olympics and gone from the Canucks for at least 6-weeks for abdominal surgery, Vancouver Canucks Oped has a fun game to play in the morning. And we're so in! "Which morning newspaper has the bigger disaster-ready headline on Tuesday morning? The Vancouver Sun or The Province?"

In other Canucks news, Hockey Dirt is getting all Moneyball - er Moneypuck on us - calculating goalie win-costs. The league average win-cost for goalies is $123,545.58. And of course everyone's favorite Canuck whipping boy Alex Auld is a total bargain at $24,428.57 per win - making him #1. I bet this is his first kick at "it" status. Auld, call your agent man.

It's Saturday January the 28 around 10:45PM and

Colorado Still Hates Bertuzzi

So miracle of miracles, the Canucks battle with Colorado into a shootout, and manage to come out victorious 4-3 halting the 3-game slide. Of course now that Alex Auld is making 40 saves in a night, playing what some called the best period of hockey in his career, and all that, we can now concentrate on wondering which is the real number one line on this team right?

In other game news, the Ave's fans really went out of their way to roll out the red carpet for their favorite nemesis, Todd Bertuzzi. Starting with a slash on Bertuzzi late in the 2nd period the Canucks Blog reports, "The fans in Colorado are cheering…" And then midway in the 3rd from Vancouver Canucks Oped: "More awesome stuff from Denver. A couple of idiot Avs fans throw an item over the glass at Bertuzzi mid-way through the 3rd period. After much debate, arena officials decline to eject the fans, and then the rest of the building starts booing Bertuzzi again. (Because, you know, it’s really his fault that they’re acting like such total freaking morons.)"

It was apparently giveaway night - Rob Blake nesting dolls in fact. Is that not the worst giveaway in the world, or is it just me? PS, Colorado hockey games sound like a Jerry Springer show taping: "I saw a guy with a Nuks Suck shirt. Oh and some girl in a section near me came to the game way drunk and threw up all over the place in the 1st...... it was just an eventful night in the stands I guess... lol. Fight, flipping off/throwing stuff at bertuzzi, and puking all over the place." You stay classy.

It's Thursday January the 26 around 10:12PM and

Three And Counting...

Highest highs. Lowest lows. That is the true Canucks game. Tonight was no exception either. Vancouver drops another one 2-1 to the Detroit Red Wings and can this stat be right - they had only 15 shots on net. If you are trying to keep score at home, that means three loses in a row, but don't sweat it, it wasn't Auld's fault - he stopped 33 shots.

Ya, right, sure, and just like Mr. Blonde in Reservoir Dogs says, "Either he's alive or he's dead, or the cops got him... or they don't. "

In other game notes check this out: "Every single time Todd Bertuzzi touched the puck, the Joe was filled with boos," writes Christy Hammond at Behind the Jersey. "In between the 1st and 2nd period, they brought out a Toyota truck and the entire time it was on the ice, the crowd booed their heads off. But when a Jeep was brought out in the next intermission, no problems at all. Quite entertaining."

Wow Bertuzzi hating plus Toyota hating. That's really quite something, but the real question is how Bertuzzi could have possibly been overlooked for GQ's 10 Most Hated Athletes list. Worse, listen to this from Hockey Dirt:

"What does it say about the NHL or GQ that not a single hockey player made the cut but some guy named Michael Iaconelli did? Michael Iaconelli? A professional bass fisherman? Number 6 on the list? What could a fisherman possibly do generate hatred? File down opponents' hooks? Tangle their fishing lines? Cut holes in their nets? Shake up their Budweisers? Tell the truth about how big it is?"

It's Thursday January the 19 around 10:28PM and

Canucks Win 4-1, Auld Fever Builds

The Canucks kept pace the Calgary Flames at the top of the Northwest Division as they beat the Buffalo Sabres tonight 4-1. While the big guns for Vancouver weren't really firing tonight, the grinders of Alexandre Burrows and Nolan Baumgartner.

Post game talking points: Alex Auld is playing like he wants be the guy. So is he? Afterall, he did add an assist tonight, right. Basically he's saving Dave Nonis' ass and buying him some time - but the question on everyone's mind is whether or not he could go 4 rounds in the playoffs? Talk amongst yourselves. Ah, you gotta love Vancouver fans: always wanting to jump on a bandwagon, and always ready and eager to snap necks jumping off. Plenty of room on Auld's wagon folks, step right up.

Overtime: I don't think I saw this DDB ad for the World Juniors. It's called "Dirty Shirt" and makes me dry heave. (Via Ad Jab)

It's Monday January the 16 around 9:25PM and

March of the Losing Penguins

The Canucks played rope-a-dope with Pittsburgh rookie sensation Sidney Crosby as they cruised past the Penguins 4-2. Crosby scored for the first time during his teams now 7-game losing streak but Brendan Morrison and Todd Bertuzzi put pucks in the net for the win. I sure bet the team would like to play all the time vs. Eastern Conference teams - their now 8-1.

Post Game Rumors Galore Mosh Pit:
*Over at Canucks Corner, they want you to put Buffalo goaltender Martin Biron on your radar. Canucks GM Nonis has apparently be talking the talk with the Sabers.
*In a brief slow down in Cloutier rumors we dove into the Canucks posting forum. Wow that is a dark and dirty place you need scuba gear to navigate. Ed Jovanoksi is not injured. His groin is totally faked and he is resting for the Olympics.
*Forget getting a goaltender or offense, what we need is to get Cliff Ronning (preferably the 1994 version), or any other available over the hill midget, perhaps Theo Fleury. Bwhwhahahahahahaha. And now an official response from Professor Frink: "You've got to listen to me. Elementary chaos theory tells us that all robots will eventually turn against their masters and run amok in an orgy of blood and the kicking and the biting with the metal teeth and the hurting and shoving."

It's Saturday January the 14 around 6:34PM and

Canucks Find Big Guns

This morning, after a 3-0 loss to the New Jersey Devils, Canucks fans must have been moping around complaining about the smelly, dirty, ugly loss last night. But tonight they took advantage of the New York Islanders as former player Todd Bertuzzi unloaded his big guns for the first time in 10 games in the form of a hat trick, and the Canucks slaughtered the Islanders 8-1.

Where the hell did that come from? And one more question - why would the Islanders ever think that these awful oragnge jerseys should get brought out?

This is amazing:

"The 14,203 fans in the stands were left to unleash nonspecific boos at their unproductive team. With Stirling already fired and Milbury on his way out, there was no remaining villain to chant against. They resorted to cheers of "U-S-A! U-S-A!" in the third period."

It's Thursday January the 12 around 8:35PM and

The Puck Stops Here: Dan Cloutier Update

You would think when Global News, The Province, and the Canucks all have denied that Dan Cloutier was in some sort of drunk driving accident, the rumours would just go away. And can we add the Police to this denial now:

Police issued a statement last week to dispel rumours that a Vancouver Canucks player was involved.The statement said: "Investigators will confirm that no members of the Vancouver Canucks' hockey team or their family members have been involved in this accident and/or investigation in any capacity."

Case closed. But you sure would think that Cloutier has been working as a cabinet minister for Paul Martin's Liberal government based on how this rumour keeps going. And scratch your head if you can figure out why I am still getting and reading daily comments about this. Someone suggested, "You may want to pay close attention to the news tomorrow as it is expected that charges are to be laid in this investigation, and it appears the rumors will be substantiated at tha time."

Dude, page 11 already man.

It's Tuesday January the 10 around 9:43PM and

Back to Grinding It

Three in a row? The Canucks beat the Leafs 4-3? Nasland who? Apparently rookie Alex Burrows with his first goal and a helper - along with some big ups with his 4th line hard work of Kesler and Cooke - and Anson Carter's 16th have established a new regime in the Canucks. Hopefully Leaf Nation (what are they the Red Sox now?) really enjoyed this:

"The Leaf nation was out in full force among the sellout crowd of 18,630 for Toronto's only visit of the season. Chants of "Go Leafs go" were quickly countered with a chorus of "Leafs suck.""

HEH.

It's Tuesday January the 10 around 6:14AM and

Welcome to Vancouver Hates Toronto Day

Tonight, the Canucks play the Leafs. Today the city really hates Toronto. Of course the papers are all over this one. 24 Hours's cover leads with "Love to Hate" - and shows a burning of a Leaf jersey. The cover story, goes with a simple, "Dear Leafs - you suck." This is good.

If you hail from Hogtown, dust off your now-unused earmuffs and cover your leathery, frostbitten ears: Toronto would surely be a superb place to live - if it was on the West Coast of Canada and called Vancouver... But please, don't get your double-knit CN-Tower toque in a twist just yet; we love Toronto. We really do. We just hate those Maple Leafs.

Now, only in Canada can you have it both ways like that. That's so nice. But to really set the record straight, we don't have to like Toronto. Meanwhile The Province turns up the cute and turns down the hate while they take the time to report that Anson Carter is a closet Leaf fan. Oh my.

More: Deadspin on the best of the webs Leaf Hating.

It's Saturday January the 7 around 10:59PM and

Canucks Play Flames, No Burns!

Hockey Day in Canada was good to the Vancouver Canucks. They are now on an actual, real live, winning streak (well, 2 games in a row isn't exactly a streak, but it's a start) as they cameback to beat Calgary 4-3 in overtime.

But before you get too excited about this, let's remember why two wins in a row lately are cause for such joy. Read up on the Canuck's mid-term report from today's Sun. If this were a report card, Mom wouldn't be happy with this. Centers: D, Wingers: B, Defence: C, Goaltending: C, Coaching: C, Management: C.

It's Thursday January the 5 around 9:01PM and

Canucks Win, Canucks Win

Cloutier rumours aside, the Canucks had to go to work tonight in the windy city. Older brother Jarkko Ruutu showed his little brother how it is done with a goal on a penalty shot in the third as Vancouver beat Chicago 3-2. That's win number 2 in the last 10.

Plenty of room back on the bandwagon kids. But let's face it, they beat a team that is on an eight game slide too, so let's not get too crazy about this one game winning streak.

It's Thursday January the 5 around 12:29PM and

Canucks Response to Cloutier Rumours

So, the Vancouver Canucks media relations team responded to our interest on the Dan Cloutier rumours we posted last night. It's short and sweet and should help to end the story:

"Thank-you for your interest in the Vancouver Canucks. We too have heard the rumours, and don't know how they are getting around, but can assure you they are false. Cloutier had major knee reconstructive surgery, and was not in any car accident."

It's Wednesday January the 4 around 10:15PM and

Awful Dan Cloutier Rumors

Jennifer Good, who's Official Canuck Blogger status is in question during the current losing streak, ain't going to be too happy about this Canucks rumor. For the past week or so we've been getting a slow and now steady trickle of visitors coming here searching for some awful news about injured Vancouver Canuck goalie Dan Cloutier. There isn't much but rumors so far, but there is a posting on Craiglists today suggesting that Cloutier was in very bad car accident back in November, that resulted in two deaths. Here's the rumor:

"Cloutier is not injured. He is being investigated for drinking and driving accident where he ran a road block in his Porsche Cayanne then later got in a bad accident where he hit a car with 3 people in it. 2 died instantly and 1 is still in critical condition. Supposed to immerge in the news within a week or so."

And we've had a few comments in some posts here on the Vancouverite that have said much the same including this one from today:

I heard that Dan Cloutier was involved in an auto accident causing the death of 2 people (hit and run), one of whom was a friend of mine. When I heard this rumour (that is all this is at this point) I was shocked as it was my friend Stanley Wong who was mowed down by a Porsche Cayenne outside the Aqua night club. The papers said it was a hit and run. I have heard no updates to this point. I heard this from a so called Canuck insider who did not know I knew the victim, but it all makes sense given the time of the his injury, car involved, and apparent cover up

So, what's the deal with this and when is the mainstream media going to get on the case? Let's see if the Canucks have anything to say.

It's Wednesday January the 4 around 8:02PM and

Alex Auld Gives 93%, Canucks Lose 3-1

The Vancouver Canucks seemingly played 4 periods of hockey in a row that could potentially win actual games. Too bad it was the end of Monday's game and the beging of tonight's game. Tonight the Canucks took a 1-0 lead in the 2nd period. But when you have 7 or less shots on goal each period, you're not going to win games.

The Canucks played a "tight" third period allowing three goals and a finishing with a final 3-1 loss to Dallas. Would suggesting that at least they didn't lose by only one goal this time, be the wrong thing to say right now?

And the gloves are off this ticker intro: "Alex Auld was less than 10 minutes away from his second career shutout. In a span of less than 5 1/2 minutes, the Dallas Stars squashed the goaltender's hopes in a big way." And at least tonight was a new stat breaker, as the Canucks have been 12-1-1 when they have the lead going into the third period. Zing!

Continue reading "Alex Auld Gives 93%, Canucks Lose 3-1" »

It's Tuesday January the 3 around 8:15AM and

The Morning After Blues

Dave Nonis, call your office, "your honeymoon as general manager may be over." Well, it only took a 7 of 8 slide to get the commentators to move on from Crawford to Nonis to fix the Canucks. Plenty of next day arm chairing and critics suggestions. Nonis is today's target.

*"How Blue Can you Get?" (The Province)

*"Canucks Can't Beat League's Worst" (The Sun)

*"Dave Nonis Your Move" (Vancouver Canucks Oped)

*"Grading the Canucks" (The Sun)
Meanwhile Brendan Morrison is very smart. "It's no secret that hockey is the sport in Vancouver. We are under the microscope. When things are going well you're the best guys in town and when things aren't going so well then you are the biggest dogs. And right now it would almost be embarrassing to go out in public."

It's Monday January the 2 around 7:36PM and

Canucks New Years Blues

Did the Canucks not figure out some resolutions or even better yet, some mantras, for 2006? Tonight the Canucks lost 4-1 to the St, Louis Blues. Leave it to the Canucks to get out hussled in the first period (3-1) by a team that had been outscored 42-28 in the first period this season. And Auld, who let in 3 goals from 10 shots in that period stopped everything after that - maybe that is a sign of good things to come.

PS: How do you get beat by a team that is 9 and 22(27) and only 4 wins at home? Just asking. I guess the Canucks really dug deep and found that extra 5% of terrible tonight to impress us. Looks like things are going to have to get much worse before they get better buddies.

It's Thursday December the 29 around 12:10AM and

Canucks Win 4-3, Must Have Given Extra 5%

When the Predators scored 38 seconds into tonight's game the crowd must have gulped back thier beers and prepared for the worst. But miracle of miracles, they won - which is timely since 14 of the next 18 games are on hostile territory. Even Crawford's crazy line shake up seemed to knock some sense into the team - especially if people are throwing out words like "leading the hit parade" and "physical final 40 minutes" about the team. Seriously, Richard "I hadn't scored since grade 11" Park put one in the net for god's sake.

"Ask anyone. (Scoring) is a good feeling," said Park. "You relax out there, play more confident. You just have to build on it."

So, as you were people, no need to break your neck jumping off the bandwagon. Yet. And as a last note - Bertuzzi is like the Reggie Dunlop mixed with equal part Yoda and Sun Tzu, "It was a gut check, coming in after the first (period) down two (goals), not too many people in the building being happy. We knew that we'd have to change it around." Gut check? Come on Todd, really that's like the other side of giving 110%? Totally can't wait for the morning paper love in.

It's Wednesday December the 28 around 8:01AM and

Crawford Wakes Up, Smells Coffee

Finally Marc Crawford is doing, something. For tonight's game he's actually really shaking things up. Although this should not give The Sun's Elliott Pap the right to use puns like, "Look out, Nashville. It could be a fight to the Finnish." (Maybe the Sun needs to shake things up too.)

Trying to get at the root of their five-game nosedive, the Vancouver Canucks are turning to Jarkko Ruutu. The feisty Finn is being promoted to the team's first line and tonight will skate -- at least for starters -- on right wing with Todd Bertuzzi shifting to centre and Markus Naslund at his usual spot on the left side.

And showing even more tough, Crawford calls out Brendan Morrison and puts him on the third line with Matt Cooke and Richard Park. It's also encouraging to note that Crawford has dropped the, we-just-need-to-play-5-percent-better, routine. This could be good.

It's Tuesday December the 27 around 6:33AM and

Post Canucks Game Hangover Reactions

Vancouver Sun's Iain Macintyre has at the Canucks this morning: "They were home for Christmas, but only in their sleep. The Vancouver Canucks, facing more road gigs in January than the Rolling Stones, sunk deeper into one of their most bewildering and disappointing home stands in years by losing 2-1 Monday to the Calgary Flames at GM Place." Macintyre, who John 'Shorty' Shorthouse says is Canada's greatest hockey writer, goes on to say, "...the Canucks can't blame turkey's tryptophan for their stupor because their Swedish players eat ham at Christmas. Besides, Vancouver has been serving up foul fare all season within their division."

Meanwhile over in Vancouver's greatest paper, The Province, Tony Gallagher is hilarious on the subject today as well. "Trying to outcheck this bunch is like trying to outthink Bobby Fischer at the chess board. It's taking on Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday at the OK Corral with a slingshot and bad intentions. If the Flames have any identity at all, and, boy, does this team have identity, it's lunchpail, barroom brawler, destroyer of pretty boys."

Then back at the Sun, the 2nd stringer, Brad Ziemer goes for the whole Boxing Dale sale metaphor. "Nearly everything was on sale Boxing Day. Everything, that is, except NHL victories. Those fetch full price, something the Canucks were apparently unable or unwilling to pay Monday night as they fell 2-1 to the Calgary Flames."

Vancouver Canucks Oped does it's morning after column entirely with idioms and cliches. "After a bad week, they seem to be behind the eight ball, under the weather, under the gun, and yet absent without leave. Even though their balls are to the wall, it's like the blind leading the blind up a blind alley. "

It's Monday December the 26 around 9:54PM and

Flames 2, Canucks 1, Crawford Clueless

Did the Canucks eat too much turkey over the holidays? It's probably just as well for Canucks fans, that when the papers roll in Tuesday morning Team Canada at least won in World Junior Hockey action (5-1 over Finland). That may just keep some people from doing anything rash. But the reality is that the Canucks just got beat by Calgary, again, 2-1.

Kudos to Coach Marc Crawford for holding the worst post-game presser of the year (quite possibly ever). Can you really complain about officiating, power plays, and the need to play 5% better? 5% better are you nuts? You lost Crawford, wake up. I think Dan Russell on CKNW called it just about right after the game tonight, the season is nearly half over and let's face it: the Canucks are 20-16 (not 20-11-5 - that's loser talk), 4 games over .500, and now running third in the Northwest behind two teams they can't beat.

It's Saturday December the 24 around 9:28AM and

The Canucks are in a Burned, Napalmed, Free Fall

The Canucks lost to Calgary last night, 6-5 in a shootout. But wait, there's more.

-The Canucks have lost all seven games this season against Alberta-based, divisional rivals Calgary and Edmonton.

-Vancouver is 5-8-4 against the Northwest Division and 15-2-1 against the rest of the NHL.

-Good news for the Canucks is that they play Calgary again Monday. Ouch.

-The Canucks, who have lost four straight at home after starting the season 13-1 there.

-Two of the losses were in the shootout and another was in overtime.

-Vancouver has blown nine leads and given up 20 goals during that stretch.

-The Vancouver Sun's, Elliot Pap, meanwhile, is lobbing softballs rather than grenades at these bums. How about a trade?

It's Tuesday December the 20 around 5:39AM and

The Canucks Give Another One Away

Ben Kuzma of The Province has a fun holiday wrap up of last night's Canuck loss to the Los Angeles Kings 4-3. "In the spirit of the season, the Vancouver Canucks were in a giving mood Monday. For the gesture, they received a lump of coal as Alexander Frolov scored the only shootout goal to give the Los Angeles Kings a 4-3 win."

But the key part to the whole two game slide is this:

For the second straight game, the Canucks blew an early 2-0 lead and surrendered a shorthanded goal. After the Canucks talked themselves hoarse about improving special-teams play -- they allowed three power-play goals and went 0-for-6 with the man advantage Saturday in a 5-4 overtime loss to Edmonton -- they didn't deliver.

Ouch.

It's Tuesday December the 13 around 9:19PM and

The Province Downplays Cloutier Injury

The New York Post of publishing here town, The Province, went off it's meds this morning and presents readers with a warning, "Don't Panic." How reassuring. Maybe it's the 42 games the backup goalies have collectively played, or maybe it's the devil may care "it's just a flesh wound" black knight attitude of Canucks management, but we find it hard to believe that this isn't a problem:

"The fact is we're not going to go out and sign someone or trade for someone just for the sake of it. We're not in that position," said General Manager Dave Nonis. "We have a chance to use Alex, who has proven he can play at this level. If something comes up that's better then we'll take it. Just to make a deal to say you did it makes no sense. To compound the problem with a bad deal is just foolish."

Vancouver Canucks Op Ed downplays it with this calm posting headline: "How screwed are we?" No pressure Auld. Screw it up and the Canucks will make a trade, they promise, this time - for real. They really, really, really will.

It's Tuesday December the 13 around 7:45PM and

The Good, The Bad, & The Ulgy

Good News: The Canucks won another one 3-2 over the Rangers.

Bad News: Oh no! Dan Cloutier is out for the next four months. Before we get to the nuts and bolts of this, I have two things to say. 1. Can somebody please make sure Jenny Good is taking this news well. 2. I think we can make the most of this - let's get Cloutier to do gameday podcasts with Jenny. That's gold baby. Get on it Jenny & Canucks. Gosh.

Here's the real details. "[F]urther consultation with team doctors today, goaltender Dan Cloutier will undergo knee surgery to repair a damaged Anterior Cruciate Ligament... Cloutier will have the procedure don on Thursday, December 15th and is expected to be out of the Canucks lineup for up to four months."

Ugly News: The NHL webiste may take 1st prize in a beauty contest. No, wait, that's Monopoly. The NHL website may have the worst holiday treatment ever. Yes! Raining stars and a nice light bell and bow. What the hell? Just don't do it.

Oh and since we're here talking about ugly - are we the only ones who noticed the Hasbro tv commercials and ads featuring an ancient looking Jamie Lee Curtis?

It's Monday December the 12 around 8:36PM and

And Todd Bertuzzi Doesn't Want to be Traded, Really.

The Canucks are doing their very best to create some amazing drama off the ice. Todd Bertuzzi, articulate as ever, denied that he wants to be traded (yummy audio Bert) yesterday. They just beat the best team in the league and this is the Vancouver Canucks media spin of Monday. He wants to finish what he started here, he really really respects Marc Crawford, he has trouble expressing himself, and he is speaking the "truth. Particularly great about this interview was how Bertuzzi suggested it isn't just him playing average, there are lots of good players totally playing like crap. That is called spreading the blame around Todd. And we love that about you!

“I don’t want people to go around and speculate and talk about it anymore, cause it’s not true,” Bertuzzi told John "Shorty" Shorthouse on CKNW. “I have not ever asked for it and I don’t want to go anywhere. It’s a place I want to play and like I said, I want to finish what I’ve started here.”

It's Friday December the 9 around 6:58AM and

City on Edge as Senators Come to Town

The Province bows to the awesome power of the Ottawa Senators overlords with a back cover headliner of "In presence of greatness." To think that Jason Botchford could begin a story like this, "There's a certain scent the Ottawa Senators are wearing in Vancouver. Eau de awesome. And it's strong enough to put the Canucks on their heels before the game even begins." When Iain MacIntyre writes in The Sun, that the "Ottawa Senators Jason Spezza, Daniel Alfredsson and Dany Heatley are the best forward line since various combinations of Wayne Gretzky, Jari Kurri, Esa Tikkanen, Mark Messier and Glenn Anderson played together in Edmonton two decades ago."

Meanwhile, also in the pages of The Province is Ed Willes asking some tough questions. "So here's today's discussion question, sports fans: Are the Canucks now at the same point the Sens were at the close of the '03-'04 season? Is there still room for growth on this team or has it gone as far as it can? Can the Cloutier-Jovanovski-Ohlund-Bertuzzi-Morrison-Naslund core deliver a deep playoff run or has it stagnated?"

Nothing to see here Vancouver. Except that Ottawa has had the benefit of a week of shock and awe hellfire from 70,000 feet via the media love for the Senators. PS: it's the 100th sell out in a row at GM Place.

It's Tuesday December the 6 around 7:24AM and

Dan Cloutier, Secret George W. Bush Lover

24 Hours spends 24 seconds with Vancouver Canuck goalie Dan Cloutier. But it turns out that if he could spend time with anyone in history, he'd like to pal around with George W. Bush.

24: If you could spend time with anyone in history, who would you choose?
#39: "I wouldn't mind spending a day with President Bush to see what he's like. Just because everyone's not the same as they are on TV."

And on another question about reading, Dan sweetly adds, "I like to play other games like war games." See he's a secret hawk. Awesome.

It's Tuesday December the 6 around 7:07AM and

Canuck Spin Zone

Today's Brad Ziemer Vancouver Sun article on the Canucks feels more like reading political spin, than sports. Brendan Morrison first pumps up the Ottawa Senators, ""That will be a big test. I think they're the premiere team in the league right now. You'd better be ready to play or you'll get blown out. We'll have a couple of good days of practice here and we'll be ready."

Then coach Marc Crawford keeps spinning: "Ottawa is a premiere team. I'm sure they are getting hyped no matter where they go. It will be a great challenge for our club, but we have a number of days to think about it."

Translation: We could lose this game. We could lose this game in a very big, embarassing way. This is our way of lowering your expectations. Please don't expect us to win. Not even if we give 110%.

It's Sunday December the 4 around 10:00PM and

Say Chowder: Canucks Beat Boston 5-2.

So the Canucks beat the Boston Bruins 5-2 tonight. The Sedin's, fresh from their success at the skills competition yesterday (more on that from Vancouver Canucks Op Ed) connected for two (Daniel's 7th & 8th, Henrick with helpers on both). Talk about that amongst yourselves.

It's Saturday November the 26 around 7:51PM and

Todd Bertuzzi: Doesn't Use Steroids. Likes Shirt Off!

We are pretty lapse followers of The Canucks at best, so we are trying to keep up with them for our readers. Jeff and Alanah at Vancouver Caunucks Op Ed is a good place for Canucks news. Tonight they have the goods on the unintentionally hilarious public exchange of words between Todd Bertuzzi and Dick Pound.

Bertuzzi's quote is totally hilarious: "Who's Dick Pound? Tell him to come in our dressing room with our shirts off and we'll see how performance enhanced we are. Tell him he can come hang out with me and see my workout. Trust me, we're not [using steroids]."

Oh my that is so awesome (Oddsnark has more commentary). PS: Thank god for Canucks Op Ed, since there are websites out there like this: The Canuckfanatic's World which are hurting both my eyes and ears. Oh and there are trade rumors about Bertuzzi too.

More: Here's tonight's GLOG at Canucks.com.

It's Monday November the 21 around 10:56AM and

They Should Have Won...

One thing we really like about Vancouver is the often funny front pages of the NY Post-esque "Province". Today's front page is totally incredible. The thing about losing in the playoffs is that a headline like "So Close" is such a silly thing to say - sort of like saying you finished second out of a field of two. The And it's pretty hot that some of the fans feel like they were robbed. "The Lions should have won," said one longtime fan of the Lions.

And here's a quick reminder of the awesomeness of the upcoming Grey Cup: "The streets of downtown Vancouver will be turned into a festival beginning Thursday, with pancake breakfasts, concerts, block parties and boat cruises on an entertainment schedule that should peak around halftime on Sunday, when The Black Eyed Peas take the stage at B.C. Place."

It's Monday November the 14 around 6:36AM and

Tales of the Official Canucks Blogger 2

Or should that be cheerleader? My goodness, shameless Jennifer Good will do pretty much anything to become the Official Vancouver Canucks blogger - including posting a photo of her dressed as The Canucks Cheerleader that should pretty much seal the deal if you ask us. Best. Canucks. Blogger. EVER.

Oh yeah. Bertuzzi. Hat trick. Canucks win 4-1. Everything back on track. Blah. Blah. Blah.

It's Saturday November the 12 around 9:47AM and

Tales of the Official Canucks Blogger

I know you're still smarting from the Canucks loss two days ago. But thankfully Jennifer Good is still plugging away on becoming the Canucks blogger. What do we have to do to make this happen? Seriously. If only to hear more of this, "Tonight was an embarrassment. I used to get very defensive and quite mad when people called #55 Jovo “Special Ed”, but tonight I’ll let that slide."

Love it. This really shouldn't be much of a sell to get Jenny to do this Canucks blog thing. We here at The Vancouverite are certainly doing our part. And the worst part is how bad the Canucks blog is - I think it was renamed GLOG because Bill Ranford was doing it. So call them at 604-899-7400 or email them at info@canucks.com to tell them why Jennifer Good should be thier official blogger. For god sakes she'll do a better job than Elisha Cuthbert is on NHL.com. What a joke. Elisha Cuthbert? What the hell? We are confident that Jenny could give that puckslut a run for her money.

And Fin, you gross bastard, please leave Jenny alone. "Within the first 2 minutes of sitting down during the pre-game warm up Fin totally molested* me while Matt was in the bathroom. *By molested I mean he had his arm around me yelling at the AV’s, I just said “molested” for emphasis." Fin is a reason why Whaling should be allowed in Vancouver.

...Special Ed... HEH.

It's Tuesday November the 8 around 11:07PM and

The Canucks Are Still in the Top 5

I'm no hockey numbers expert but this week's NHL Power Rankings write up for the Vancouver Canucks seems unintentionally calm: "The Canucks drop a spot after losing two straight to the Calgary Flames. A good sign -- Todd Bertuzzi scored his first goal in 10 games for Vancouver. Big two-game home stand this week against Colorado and Detroit."

You mean another game against Colorado, like the two we lost to them in October? Yikes. I know, I know they are 10-4-2. I totally agree... Must. Not. Jump. Off. Bandwagon. Yet. Must. Resist.

At least one lovely Vancouver fan, Jennifer Good, isn't losing faith. In fact she wants to become the official Canucks blogger. "[H]ockey is the new black - always in style. Instead of talking actual stats I would create my own. Instead of knowing how many goals they got in a season people will know their astrological signs, birthdays, favorite pick up lines, you get the idea. I will talk about all the puck sluts. I’ll mock the other teams. It’ll be great." This is a total no brainer by the way.

It's Monday October the 31 around 9:33PM and

Todd Bertuzzi is the Devil

It's pictures like this that make you wonder if Todd Bertuzzi really is just waiting to sacrifice some puppies or something before a game. Too bad he couldn't take down that damned infernal "Fin".

But seriously maybe Bert has finally found his groove and can start playing his game again. And he certainly was sounding like the old Bertuzzi in this Vancouver Sun opener this morning: "In the monosyllabic words of Todd Bertuzzi, who declined to engage the press in conversation Saturday but said the phrase often enough two nights earlier for it to be stockpiled and used when needed at a later date, like now: "It is what it is.""

I guess we'll see Wednesday. Meanwhile The Vancouverite has equalled the posting pace of the official Vancouver Canucks blog for the entire month of October. We have a new friend. Hello there Canucks blog buddy. Trick or treat.