I'm not even sure I've posted a single item about the Canucks since the season began. My bad. But I'm pretty sure without paying attention that them losing to the Blue Jackets is kind of not cool. But they really did lose 3-2. PS: I saw "CBJ" on the TV (don't ask, I was in the office of one of the suits) and at first was like, "that's a real team, seriously" before just snickering a lot as i tried to figure it out. I'm in a shame spiral about enjoying the loss so much, and i potentially think I'd care more about hockey if there was more dancing girls. I'm just saying.
I guess it shouldn't be all that shocking to see Pam Anderson all over Vancouver Canuck's mascot Fin. She's not quite Brit-Brit crazy, yet, but Pammy will literally sleep with pretty much anything, including a terrible mascot."The Canucks' mascot gets it on with Pam Anderson," writes With Leather, "ensuring a future generation of whorcas."
Really? Baseball blogging? I know, but here goes. The Chicago Cubs may be out of the playoffs already but the best thing about baseball I've seen in years is Gibson's BC native Ryan Dempster's ball signing abilities. The "To Christine, Take Your Damn Top Off!" signing is so clearly legendary. Like Barney style. You can read the story that goes along with this signature move at Deadspin.
The Canucks lost 4-3 last night to the San Jose Sharks. And I only really mention this because the famed and no-longer short lived Orland Kurtenblog is back! So catch up on the blogs mythology and
"Orland Kurtenblog was originally developed as a video sharing website where users could upload, view and share video clips. Its co-founders, Jason Brough and Mike Halford, soon decided that such a website would never work and sold the concept to three software engineers from Silicon Valley. In return, Brough and Halford received two popsicles, an old bird cage and rights to the KB moniker.
Several failed suicide attempts later, they decided to use Orland Kurtenblog to write about the Vancouver Canucks.
It was a heady time for independent bloggers like Brough and Halford. No longer were aspiring writers forced to align with the politicized crusades of mass media outlets. They could set up a blog for free and speak to the world."
As always with the KB, you're not going to find breaking Canucks news (thank god), but lots of useless candy and hilarity. And this time with KB 2.0 you get the possibility of them entangling themselves and big media in fun new ways. Perhaps they'll make good on their promise of an exciting lawsuit. Excellent! And so it begins my annual hate-hate-dislike relationship with the world of the Vancouver Canucks. Lock and load.
Can you contain yourself for the new Canucks jersey look coming on Wednesday? Well, I know I can. But according to the new blog at The Province, The Newsroom, "The party starts on Wednesday at 11:30 a.m. (free hot dogs!), with the big jersey unveiling at 12:30 p.m. Tickets are free, but you have to go through Ticketmaster to get them. There will be free parking undeground at GM Place."
Let us rejoice! The blessed 2010 Olympics - the wreckers of human rights and the environment among other things (probably global warming and the war in Iraq too- will only cost us $1.6 Billion:
"The committee, VANOC, originally estimated that the operating cost of the games would be $1.7 billion, but the 200-page plan puts it at $1.63 billion, $70 million less.
There was even mention of a possible surplus after the Games during Tuesday's news conference. The extra cash would be used to fund sports in Canada."
Sure. Sure we will come out ahead. Bwhahahahahahahaaha. Sorry. It's funny. We call this "wishful thinking", but its so adorable, and will drive the anti-Olympic crowd pretty, well, how you say "crazy". Speaking of which, I've never understood how you can be against Olympics anyway? Indifferent, certainly. But against? Come on. That can't be a serious position, its like being against global warming. Look, even the babies are angry.
Love this. The Olympics still over two years away is already in hot water for not meeting environmental and social promises. "A watchdog group has given Vancouver 2010 Winter Games organizers a grade of D for nearly failing to keep their commitments to protect housing, the environmental, and civil liberties. The group, called Impact of the Olympics on Community Coalition, (IOCC) says it isn’t for or against the Olympics but its research has concluded the Games rank only a D minus." More at CTV.
This is good. By the time the games roll around I'm sure the death toll will be massive, the environment destroyed, and Vancouver will lay in ruins. We're all doomed. That is all.
As much as I am quietly pleased that there is no more hockey, and my watering holes and streets have returned to their formerly indifferent self, this had me wondering what the hell. Apparently Markus Naslund promised Sunday night to play better next season:
"I know I can do better, that's the bottom line. I'm proud of what I do. I want to show I can still perform. I'm going to come back and prove that I can play better."
I would call this kind of rambling nonsense, um, unhelpful sir.
"And all that good work was wasted because their own power play continues to look worse than the guests on Jerry Springer while the Ducks produced two man-advantage goals without much of an argument from the Canucks’ vaunted penalty killing."
Willes goes on to drop a serious of further backhanded slaps. In response to the one power play goal he writes, "It should have been like the moment when prehistoric man discovered fire." And in comparrison to the Ducks power player, "that continues to manufacture goals the way rabbits manufacture babies."
Okay, this is the lamest intro to a Canucks victory article, ever: "In a series with more momentum shifts that the Grouse Mountain gondola in a stiff wind, the Canucks did the unexpected Monday." Was that really on the Canucks website right now? Why yes, yes it was. And come on, did anyone really think Luongo could lose three straight? Please.
Meanwhile, The Canadian Press nails the game thusly: "The Canucks were able to win their first Game 7 in three attempts because they finally were able to put some pucks past Turco and get some production out of a power play that entered the game scoreless in 23 chances." You mean they won because they scored goals? WOW.
Now here's what I don't really understand. In no order:
-hey flag waver, who exactly do you think will see your blessed Canucks flag when you are on the 20th floor? Even after 45 minutes nobody cares.
-what kind of person gets in their car to drive around honking after this? (and of course not everyone is down with the honking.)
-okay, very funny, what was the guy who pulls out the big novelty horn and seemed to be going down Smithe street thinking.
-I guess he was trying to keep up with the cool guy with the air horn.
-tales of the honking on Scott Road are pretty amazing. Really.
"Vancouver has lost its last two Game 7s, both at home. Eight Canucks remain from the 2003 team that smoked the exhaust pipe after leading Minnesota 3-1 in games. The Canucks have lost six straight playoff games when they had a chance to advance from a series, and are 2-8 at home since the first game of the Minnesota playoff. No National Hockey League team has ever been shut out four times in a seven-game series. No team has ever scored fewer than nine goals in a seven-game series.
And on it goes, layers of blackness deep enough to suffocate them."
So the only real question is, after two straight shutouts against Dallas, will Canucks fans be celebrating in the streets tomorrow? Or will Tuesday morning sound something more like this reaction to the Stars or this great use of Youtube - showing yourself watching the game. How creepy.
Or will the city turn Luongo into our own little 2nd coming of Jesus? Personally I prefer baby jesus, but plastic jesus is cool too. Either way, tensions are how shall we say it, high.
And no, sir, with 24, Heroes back on, and reality TV i'm not really keen on talking about (fine, The Bachelor is the most unintentionally hilarious show on TV right now.), yours truly won't be watching the potential carnage, er, glorious victory.
My friend Liam smuggly asked me to give him props for sending this information along. I considered ignoring it, but the fact that he has some sort of playoff handlebar moustache supposedly to raise money for Agents of Change. I'm not buying it, it looks like he's ready to play the cop in the Village People. I digress.
Anyway, Liam passed along this tidbit from the The Province reporting on this most ridiculous of injuries: "Brent Sopel is also questionable for tonight's game. He hurt his back trying to pick up a cracker at home. 'It's the truth,' Sopel said. 'For some of you guys who think I was a healthy scratch, you think it's all fun and games but ... being keeled over, I couldn't walk. It wasn't fun.'"
Oh Brent Sopel, will you ever win? I dread the thought of 6PM and Canucks fever this evening already.
It's videos like this Ulitmate X-Treme MakeOver: Vancouver Canucks Edition which make me proud to be officially OVER hockey. Dear Ultimate fan: A. Your Dog is ridiculous B. What are you, 12? C. Just dump this idiot Krista, now. Seriously. (More from the CBC) This is pure evil.
To appease all the geeky hockey lovers, go to Go Canucks and see how you could win a Canucks Jersey. And just to see if you are paying attention, this could be the difference in the series. The Dallas Stars Ice Girls.
PS: Thank the lord and praise baby Jesus that Lost is on tonight. Don't go out to any public watering holes if you have any self respect. The jersey wearing zombies will get you. Seriously.
Can you handle the excitement Vancouver? Oh brother. "This series pits the two lowest-scoring teams in the Western Conference and, outside of New Jersey, the two lowest-scoring teams in the whole playoff grid," writes Scott Burnside of ESPN.com. "That means mistakes will be costly and discipline will be at a premium. It also might be a bit like watching two blades of grass grow."
Canucks Round One Playoff Schedule/The Don't bother going out in Vancouver because of the Hockey Schedule:
GAME 1: STARS @ CANUCKS WED 7:00 PM
GAME 2: STARS @ CANUCKS FRI 6:00 PM
GAME 3: CANUCKS @ STARS SUN 5:30 PM
GAME 4: CANUCKS @ STARS TUE 5:00 PM
GAME 5: STARS @ CANUCKS THU TBD
GAME 6: CANUCKS @ STARS SAT 5:00 PM
GAME 7: STARS @ CANUCKS MON TBD
Earlier this season the folks at Orca Bay had a brilliant idea: Hold the “Ultimate Canucks Fan Contest”. While the team is still winning, I’m pretty sure they saw a slump coming and just wanted as many fans on record as possible...but maybe that‘s just me. Anyway, the slump never came and the contest continues. Quick bit of advice though. If you want your video posted on their site, you better be boring and/or freakishly annoying.
So far the top 2 appear to be a small child (no jokes, she really is adorable [Ed: This is just shameless. And Gross]) and some guy that claims to be a lifelong fan (this one’s great because he’s clearly from Boston. See above.) .
I think Vancouver can do better. However, due to the absolute lack of nudity on the site I suspect the really good stuff is in a private collection somewhere. Note to Nonis’s wife: You may want to take a quick peak through any boxes entering the house labeled ‘camping gear’. Just saying…
Seriously, I’ve just started to recover some Canucks pride. If Fitzpatrick had hit the ice on the 24th, well that really would have just shit all over this miracle on ice last 7 games.
For all you non-hockey fans out there, Rory Fitzpatrick is your basic 2nd rate Canucks defenseman. Great guy by all accounts, but the man has 1 point to his name this season. A total unknown until some Rochester, N.Y. douche bag started a Vote for Rory‚ campaign to send Fitzpatrick to the All Star game (exposing flaws in the new voting system).
So the Canucks are 14-15-1 and a spectacular 2-8-1 against the division. Constantly trying to claw your way out of last place…neat goal. Honestly, they’re like the slow kid at school that everyone runs by and kicks. Then the kid gets confused, thinks it’s a fun game and starts kicking himself. COME ON. Are they even trying to win anymore? The only time these boys pull off a W is when the other team totally fucks things up. And even then you can actually see the surprise on their faces when they manage to score.
The worst part of the Canucks’ season though is not all the losing. It is that they are boring. I mean, I may be able to get on board with this whole underdog thing if they could at least lose in style. Say the Sedines get drunk before the game and score on Luongo. Now that would get people excited about hockey again.
Hot off thier last game lost, The Canucks faced off against long time rival the Calgary Flames at the Saddledome Saturday and came up short, again. Last night the Canucks website seriously tried to pull this tease/bait & switch on us, "Trevor Linden will attempt to lead a refreshed Canucks attack against the visiting Phoenix Coyotes Tuesday. Vancouver's offence has produced seven goals in the past two games - a win over the Hurricanes and a loss to the Flames." Tonight they face Phoenix and former Defensive player Jovo at GM Place. [Game Preview]
And the above video is the cutest thing ever, as Vancouver Canucks fans try to maintain the fact that everything is indeed going to be okay. I hear James Baker and Lee Hamilton fresh from their Iraq Study Group tour are ready to investigate the Canucks lack of scoring in an exciting "Canucks Study Group".
Casual Tee 1. Taylor Pyatt lying on a gurney holding his shoulder in agony staring at a small TV highlighting the 4 - 0 loss they suffered that same night to the coilers.
Casual Tee 2. Salo sitting in a chair with his face in his hands listening to Pratt talking about the 4 - 0 loss they suffered to that same night. He isn't wearing a shirt, it's so hot.
Casual Tee 3. Rick Rypien leaning up against the entrance to the dressing room holding a large sack of frozen peas between his legs, stuffed high into his crotch.
This is sad. I may try for the first time ever to scalp my Canucks tickets. I have a ticket for Friday against the Hurricanes and being at a losing game is such a downer. I can only hope someone starts a fight with me.
"Here's an idea on how to solve the Canucks' chronic goal-scoring woes.Their offensive numbers certainly wouldn't be the worst in the NHL if they could count the shots that bounce off their own players and past goalie Roberto Luongo."
So the other night I decided to be adventurous and try out one of those crazy boot camp classes. Well shit. 2 charley horses and a dry heave later my friends and I regained our sanity and went for a beer. We hit up a bar that was playing the game but unfortunately I was with non-hockey fans who wanted to talk about their relationships.
Dry heave #2. I improvised by keeping one eye on the game while pretending to engage in girl talk. My plan was working until Taylor Pyatt scored the game winner with 45 seconds on the clock. I tried to cover my reaction by pretending I was really excited about what my friend was saying. Totally inappropriate point in the conversation for that response and now I’ve been labeled the insensitive bad listener of the group. However, this win over the Stars put an end to the Canuck’s 3 game losing streak, so I say fair trade.
Anyway, it was a great game, and even more impressive considering Salo and Mitchell are still out with injuries. The Swedish band-aid Vigneault stuck on the defensive line (Manitoba Moose call up Alexander Edler) seems to be holding, and last night he even managed to pick up a point. Hope you’ve got a place to stay in Manitoba Bourdon.
Oh and in a fun turn of events, just as things are picking up for us, they’re turning crappy for Florida. Turns out they traded us a kick ass goalie for damaged goods (Bertuzzi’s out for 8 weeks with a pre-exisiting back injury and Auld just scrapped with his teammate in a hotel lobby). I especially love that this is the second time we’ve screwed them. Did ’98’s trade of a healthy Jovo for a hella injured Bure teach them nothing? Fool you once shame on us, fool you twice…..you’re a sucker. Nicely done Nonis.
While the rest of the city begins to enjoy the day after happy pills from last night's Canucks victory, Orland Kurtenblog gives us What Would Joey Jeremiah Do? Reading about Ryan Kesler as Melanie Brodie is priceless:
"Sweet, innocent Melanie. Tall, skinny Ryan. We remember them fondly. A couple nice kids with great futures ahead. But, oh, how the peer pressure took over. The next thing we knew Melanie was stealing from her mom's wallet, smoking weed and telling everyone Kathleen's mom was an alcoholic. And Ryan? Well, Ryan got mixed up with the wrong crowd and started extorting the very same people that had stood by him for so many years. Also, he got stoned and told everyone Morrison was anorexic."
Surely this is better than Cam Cole's introduction today: "There isn't a lot in it, yet. You hear that, and you tell yourself that the season is young, but when you watch a hockey game, whether it's in October or December or March, you still want to leap to conclusions based on what looks good enough, and what doesn't."
Translation:" I could tell you what I really think, but that would expose me to possibly being dead wrong, or worse, kind of a douchebag, and I don't effing roll like that."
Although I did enjoy hearing Garry Valk this morning on CKNW talk about Sami Salo's soft groinal region and whether or not he could play tonight as well as he did last night. But here's the key, apparently the Canucks have manufactured a second line or as the Province tells it, "Second line doesn't slack or lack." And my favorite post game thought from Tony "Skelator" Gallagher:
"For the first time this season, the Vancouver Canucks looked as though they might have stumbled onto a configuration of players that has a chance to thrive for longer than it takes to pronounce Anze Kopitar.
While they only won by a goal at home and must go to Edmonton tonight to prove it wasn't just an off night for the slovenly Oilers, the Canucks generated some scoring from lines three and four while -- as always -- the Ikea line and a new second line offering on Brendan Morrison, Jan Bulis and Ryan Kesler looked like a goal was at least possible."
This past week the Canucks kicked things off with a 2-1 shootout loss to Minnesota. A shootout loss? Really? Luongo, this is why you get the big bucks. Screwing up shootouts is not ok sweetheart. Considering that we have 1 line capable of scoring, I think shootouts are going to be kind of key for us this year. It would be pretty awesome if our goalie knew how to work them.
The streak continued with Friday’s home opener loss to the Sharks. That one hurt, but the silver lining to this 6-4 punisher was definitely the next day’s headlines. Seriously, could the sports pages have featured any more hungry shark puns? I think my personal favorite had to be “The Canucks’ thin back-end proved too tempting for a hungry Sharks side”. Honorable mention goes to “Blood was in the water — and the sharks were circling.” So sexy.
Tonight we face the Oilers and it looks like we’ll be doing it without Salo and his injured groin. I’m predicting a massacre. I don’t think this one will even make it to the shoot out. Unless perhaps our new CEO (Chris Zimmerman, ex-head of Nike Bauer Hockey) can light a fire under the team’s ass with some of that ‘Just Do It’ sis boom bah bullshit. Honestly, those Bauer ‘Earn your ice-time’ ads make me feel like I could score and I can’t even skate. Now you get those on a loop in the locker room, get Zimmerman shouting out some Nike taglines and you’ve got yourself a little game night magic. I’m sensing serious secret weapon possibilities here. And he’s not even Swedish.
You know this comment about the above video of the Canucks opener light show kind of says it all. "[T]he light show was better than the team that night." Anything that features a whale on skates with a flag is pure fantastic-ness. It is almost as good as Garry Valk telling Neil Macrae this morning that the fiasco that was the Canucks this weekend was, and I quote, "nerves".
PS: Posting might be a little slow this morning/afternoon.
Game 1 of the season saw The Canucks take on the Red Wings and walk away with a 3-1 win. Luongo lived up to expectations (aka: carried the team) and Naslund, Linden and Salo each chipped in a goal. Linden’s was his 300th as a Canuck, and not to be outdone, Nazzi scored his with his head. I’m definitely a fan of that jazzy new move. Now if we can only get Mitchell to strap his figure skates back on, I think we could have quite a show on our hands. I see spandex and sequins…
I'll get back to that after the jump, but really it's 0-0 at the 2nd, and the best stat on the Canucks home page right now is, "Canucks 0-for-2 on the power play in the first, but match an up-tempo Wild team shot-for-shot through 20 minutes." Completely inspiring.
I thought I’d disguised my small hockey town roots but apparently Jackson is too clever for me. So now I’ll be putting my shameful past to good use, writing about the Canucks for The Vancouverite. I will cover the odd stat, but I prefer discussing salacious team gossip. I mean really, would you rather know who’s leading the team in points, or that Nonis maintains his girlish figure with secret ballet classes? That’s what I thought. And now you’re picturing Nonis in tights. I’ll tell you right now, you don’t get that kind of mental treat from a stat.
Ok, so I don’t have anything quite that good but you get the idea. I do gossip. Not stats. And if you're lucky, and well behaved, I'll be dishn' out some hockey about once a week, since the "suits" here at The Vancouverite pay about as good as Socialist Worker.
Recently we had the sheer pleasure, well, as much as firing off some questions via email can offer, past the cool kids over at Orland Kurtenblog. Since OK's Jason Brough and Mike Halford are all about the Vancouver Canucks, then it was a perfect opportunity to ask really dumb questions about the city's favorite team. Finally the city has the blog it's underachieving team deserves.
Of course, in the process we get to hear about the Canucks prospects for the season and along the way we'll hear about Dave Nonis stuffing his face with Nachos, the idea for the Surrey Canuck Mascot, why Orca Bay doesn't care about black people, lingonberry jam, and the fact that Roberto Luongo is going to be a legend at the Roxy in about six weeks. This is everything you were afraid to ask about the Canucks this season but should just keep to yourself. Prepare yourself for hockey talk people and think of that post-game hockey bag smell too to set the, er, mood. Maybe light a few candles. Voila:
The Vancouverite: Alright boys. So what made you guys finally put on the proverbial Speedo’s and jump into the blog world and start Orland Kurtenblog?
Mike: I’ve never been overly amused by mainstream hockey coverage…I’m a big fan of websites like Deadspin, Free Darko and Kissing Suzy Kolber – they entertain by denouncing the lofty status professional athletes have in society. It’s a dynamic sorely lacking in local media circles and especially within the NHL – the game and players are so revered in Canada. In this light, it’s almost blasphemous to say certain shit, like how I think Bobby Clarke is a huge douchebag, or how Trevor Letowski looks like Scotty Hamilton. So I guess that’s what the B in KB stands for – blasphemy.
Jason: As for me, I came for the blogging, but I’m staying for the groupies. So, ladies, come one, come all to the KB Groupie Tryout, to be held at the main ballroom of the Sheraton Wall Centre next Saturday at 11am. And, remember, looks count most, but enthusiasm is the tie-breaker.
It's almost time for hockey. Are you pumped? Our smutty Cancucks blogger is about to grace us with her presence in the next few days. So let's turn the clock back to last season and show you the exact moment where the Vancouver Canucks officially lost the season. I believe it was five seconds into this video, where the live flute jam session started what is most likely the worst psych-up/sports introduction video, EVER. Pretty sure this wholesale suckage was reason they lost, since nothing is really ever as thrilling on paper as when a bald guy is actually playing his flute (or whatever) at a Hockey match.
At about 1:27 into this epic tale you can actually see where a little part of Trevor Linden actually dies. And somehow the rabid Vancouver Canuck crowd didn't do anything to stop this. Stunning. Absolutely stunning.
Metro News fronted this amazing photo this morning from the 2010 Olympic news conference with Prime Minister Harper and Gordon Campbell yesterday. To which we have three comments:
1. What kind of amazing ensemble is Gordo wearing? Is that like a grey-blue tweed?
2. Let me get this straight, the girl, Mellisa Hollingsworth-Richards won a bronze medal for the pant soiling Skeleton and yet she looks just like when Katie Holmes gets to leave the Tom Cruise bunker/mothership. She looks petrified with fear. "Get your hand off my back Mr. Premier"
3. What is Stephen Harper looking at exactly? I think the PM is checking her out. (see: 2)
You get so used to the rest of the known world kissing Vancouver's ass, that it is sometimes a wake up call when The Sporting News labels you #52 in its annual rankings of sports cities. Not only that we fee 11 spots from last year. Oh the shame. Wait a second, people still read the Sporting News? Wierd.
Anyway, Orland Kurtenblog sums up the reasons for our poor showing, since The Sporting News doesn't give any reasons.
As for Vancouver, I think hosting the most successful Grey Cup in recent years should count for something, as well as selling out every single regular season Canucks' game. And don't forget about hosting the Canadian Open. But the fact remains: win-loss records and playoff appearances are at the top of the list, and the Lions and Canucks both bit the big one in 2005.
Apparently this means that the Canucks need to actually win, and not just talk about giving 110% for the regular season and then choke. I get it now. This is a coded message for that empty suit Nonis who is embarassing the entire city, thanks a lot, jerk. Over to you Dave.
Obviously Miss 604 was correct when she said, "it's never too early/late to talk about hockey." And to prove the thesis, a new Canucks blog has launched. Orland Kurtenblog promises that they're "Kind Of A Big Deal" suggesting, ""People know the Kurtenblog. We're very important. We have many leather-bound books and this blog smells of rich mahogany."
The Whitecaps are offering a free ticket to the first 500 girls accompanied by a paying adult wearing a ponytail for their game on Friday against the Seattle Sounders Saints.
"The ponytail is symbolic of women in sport, combining femininity and athletics," said Bob Lenarduzzi, the Whitecaps director of soccer operations. "We have a number of players on our team that wear ponytails on the pitch."
How totally lame. Deadspin finds the gems of Minor League Baseball this week for a quick comparisson of fun promotions. They include: Napoleon Dynamite Night with Efren Ramirez, Superhero Saturday, College Course Giveaway, and my favorite Britney Spears Baby Safety Night. The key being fun Whitecaps.
This is pretty hot. Just noticed that there is a Vancouver Canadians blog: Notes from the Nat: Vancouver Canadians Unofficial Blog. I kind of like the no holds barred opinion and frequent use of player nicknames, Berman style. Here's a couple of clips:
Cobb, Sulentic, Dowling - those are the three position players capable of turning around any game this season's Vancouver Canadians play, and it's no surprise that, once again, those three were the only ones showing real life out there tonight at The Nat as the Tri-City Dust Devils beat the living crap out of Inoel Deaza and Derrick Gordon to toast the good guys 8-1.
From this moment on, Howling Greg Dowling will be known as Prowling Greg Dowling. Dude's an assassin right now. Rosie Rosendo started for a second straight game, giving Jake Smith a much-needed rest - let's see if The Rake can come back tomorrow with a little steel in his garden tools.
Note: I've linked the posts at Urban Vancouver since the actual site seems to down currently. But cool. Hopefully the real site will come back.
One side effect of being a travelling hobo and missing summer in Vancouver is missing the entire season of Vancouver Canadians games. There is nothing better than minor league baseball. It's best served up, how Deadspin sees it, with Mullet nights, and Dukes of Hazzard nights.
"Although now nearly extinct in the wild, the mullet once roamed in great herds across the North American continent. And thanks to the Portland Beavers of the Pacific Coast League, you can relive the glory on Thursday during Miller Lite Mullet Night, as the Beavers take on the Oklahoma RedHawks. Among the Mullet Night activities in previous years have been hubcap-tossing, toilet-seat horseshoes, a redneck dress-up contest and demoltion derby. Or wait, that last one may have been just the clearing the parking lot at the end of the game."
The C's could maybe use a mullet night perhaps to jolt them into first place - they are currently 1 game behind Salem-Keizer. And with a 14-5 home record, chances are you could see a W. But as far as I can see Friday is Fireworks night - not exactly a big draw during the real fireworks we suspect - and then on Saturday it's "Ladies Night" - free roses to the first 1000 ladies fellas! Show us a Ladie's Mullet Night and you have a deal partner.
How amazing is it that the World Cup is finally here? Not so amazing unless you really like soccer... Fortunately, they appear to have quarantined a special part of the city just for those wacky football fans. Not surprisingly, this bastion of the world's most popular sport is to be found down at Commercial Drive, where just about every cafe, restaurant and corner store will be showing all the games live.
They've even got this fancy thing set up called the Soccerio, where you can watch some of the games in an old movie theatre. Kind of cool, but in my opinion the best part of the World Cup is being able to drink beer at inappropriate hours of the morning, and the movie theatre isn't licensed. Perhaps this is some kind of attempt to keep down any potential hooliganism, but unless a lot of English fans arrive to take on the Italians, Brazlians and Portuguese who basically own the space right now, it's not likely to be a huge problem. Damn.
Well, it is done my pretties. Marc Crawford was finally fired today by The Family Guy’s Peter Griffin, er, I mean Dave Nonis. We get them confused all the time. Not sure how many hours after the news breaks that this will finally hit the site, since it is (as of 11:29 PM, still down for some reason).
Sure Crawford’s 246-197-70-24 coaching record sets the clubs record for wins, but it just wasn’t getting the job done. Nonis goes on about how Crawford took the news in this amazing audio clip. Now the search is on for the new coach. Some yahoos are throwing around getting recently fired Leaf coach Pat Quinn back here, but good lord that sounds reckless at best.
How can sports let fired coaches ever coach again. You weren’t good enough to coach, and you were fired, but hey, it’s not you, it’s us. Riiiighhhttt.
If you read this blog often, you might get the sense that I take much glee in those times when the Canucks lose. Not true. Really. I just really like the post-game depression and self loathing in the locker room and city, and then the fresh chum in the water for the press. I'm sick. I know.
The Province devotes both the front and back page to the loss last night. The front has the headline of "Another nail in Canucks' coffin." Ben Kuzma describes the game this way, "instead of barging through the door of opportunity, the Vancouver Canucks quickly tripped and fell flat on their faces Monday before regaining their composure in a crucial 4-2 loss to the Ducks at GM Place."
Over in The Sun, Iain Macintyre talks about the elusive puck luck, "Darn. This thing might be harder to fix than we thought. Turns out it wasn't the uniforms. Anyone thought about changing the stick tape?
Maybe it's the colour of the ice. Or the colour of the blue lines. Maybe it's the players."
Vancouver Canucks Oped goes the other way. Not the players, not the puck luck, not the uniforms. It's the coach. "If the Canucks miss the playoffs, I think we just watched the game that gets Canucks’ coach Marc Crawford fired next week." And then there is this, "That might have been the most poorly coached game that Crawford has ever anchored in Vancouver. And at the worst time possible."
Slightly related: Hockey Dirt finds that the NHL on NBC ratings are down 21% from 2-years ago on ABC before going on to say this, "Ratings in Canada have reportedly been solid, but will take a big hit in the Leaf-less playoffs. If the Canucks also succeed in playing themselves into an early golf season CBC executives will feel downright Bertuzzi'd." Bertuzzi'd. That's brilliant.
Totally unrelated: A good metaphor for the Canucks this season might to visit the Kevin Federline Myspace page. Complex. Frightening. Incompetent. Useless. Popozow.
The vintage jereseys didn't help much tonight even if the Canucks did play hard. Sometimes hard isn't enough. Sometimes it isn't your night. Or as 'The Stranger' would say in The Big lebowski, "Sometimes you eat the bar, and sometimes, well, he eats you." Anyway, Vancouver lost to the Mighty Ducks 4-2 as they clinched their playoff spot tonight. Pretty sure this quick first period summary from the Canucks Blog tells the entire story:
"don’t know what it is, but the Canucks could have been up 3-2 in this game with a couple of bounces……. That being said, they could also have been down 4-0……. Vancouver applied pressure on the Ducks and just couldn’t beat Giguere…….. The Canucks outshot the Ducks 12-7 but every turnover Vancouver made turned into a goal for Anaheim."
Look, if you can outshoot the other guys 21-3 in a period (33-10 in two) and still can't catch a "break", you should have thought about winning some more games in, say, January, February, or March rather than scrambling just to sneak into the playoffs in April. You see, now you don't control your destiny anymore boys. PS: I'd hate to be Keith Carney tomorrow morning in this city, with his amazing goal on Auld last night. Whoops!
Not even the 36 saves by Alex Auld could save the Canucks from themselves tonight. In honor of their late season collapse, we give you a picture of golf-babe Natalie Gulbis - gotta have something to cheer the city up. I'm shameless. The L.A. Kings only won 1-0. But, really, it could have been much, much, worse. In the 2nd alone the Kings outshot the 'Nucks 19-5.
The Canucks blog was hilarious tonight. From the complaints about the crappy Pay-Per-View debacle to the officiating, and then the final 5:33 of the game where they "can’t get anything going here." No kidding - and they even pulled Auld! Although that was trying to be nice. Over at the Canucks Forum you get, "time for golf", and "Did they even shoot the puck in the last 5 min?" I think somewhere I also read about "Floatuzzi". Oh my.
Here's the bad news:
Canucks are in 8th with 87 pts and 5GR; Edmonton is 7th with 88pts and 6GR; Both SJS and LAK are tied for 9th at 85pts - SJS has 8GR, while LAK has 6GR…… Canucks next game is Saturday against the Flames in Vancouver
Guesses on requisite Province Back Cover headline tommorow? Drop 'em in the comments.
The Canucks have slipped rather quickly back into must-win territory after todayt's 6-2 loss at the hands of the Mighty Ducks. There hasn't been this much of a turkey shoot since Dick Cheney went hunting with his buddy. Gulp.
The Vancouver Sun's Cam Cole starts his post loss article with a bang. The headline: "Canucks recipe for egg salad". Here's the lede:
"It took 10 days -- five games, four of them wins -- for the Vancouver Canucks to get themselves out of intensive care, their condition upgraded from critical to serious but guarded. One shootout loss, and they're back on close supervision. Several hundred thousand nurses are watching them like hawks."
Meanwhile, over at A Canuck's Fan, it's "Brokeback Canucks" time.
They have jumped up in the NHL Power rankings ("Gotta thank Danny and Hank") from 16 to 12, so naturally The Province is ready to feed the hype - with a back cover and big story on Todd Bertuzzi. Ed Willes asks us to put ourselves in Bert's stinky shoes. He's quite the philosopher-knuckle dragger our Bertuzzi:
"I don't like to hear I'm s--t, that I shouldn't be in this city, that I'm a bad player. Nobody likes to hear that. But being told that for a full season absolutely sucks. It's not fun. I can't say I've had fun playing in this city this year. But I have a loyal following and we have great fans here. That, in the long run, makes it worthwhile."
